I know It's Over - The Smiths
I know it's over, still I cling. I don't know where else I can go.
HARRY
Days went by. With each day that passed, I felt like I was even more trapped in my fucked-up mind. The covers that surrounded me in this pent up cocoon I had created with heavy duvets and pillows had become my safe haven. It had become this wall that I needed to protect me from the realities of life. It hid me from all the shit I had found myself in. The problems I had caused. Every cell in my body screamed "Idiot" while laughing hysterically.
The weeks dwindled away and soon enough a month had come and gone. May had arrived but I still stayed in the same place. A smell had somehow developed inside the confines of my sweet escape. It was a mixture of old take out, stale cologne, and cigarette smoke. There was a slight underlining of laundry detergent but it was masked away by the stench of my misery.
With every day that had gone by, I was left with my thoughts. My mind was a place that I hated being left in. A place that I avoided at all costs because I knew of the dangers it held. It was the breeding ground for my demons. A meeting place for them to conspire even more ways to screw me over.
I hated it. I fucking hated that it held this power over me. This pull. These demons that I fought powerfully to destroy had managed to resurrect themselves from the dead, but only to pull me back under. Insecurity was their loaded gun. I had become captive under their spell and there was no way in hell I'd be able to get away from them now.
Isabella's memory is the only thing that kept me alive... but even that was beginning to destroy me. I had ruined us... I knew that. I knew that there was no way that she would be okay, even though I did this for her. I did this so that she could find someone that would fit into her world... her family. As much as she claimed that she wanted to distance herself from their lifestyle, they still had influence on her. She has so much going for. I will only keep her from fulfilling that potential.
Even amongst all the shit, there was still that one voice. A meek voice that kept telling me it could still be me. That everything was going to be fine. That Isabella loves me very much and wants to spend her life with me. For some unknown, fucked up reason she had wanted me... even though I had nothing to offer her. But that voice... that meek, little voice... was shouting as loud as it could, telling me that I could be that for her. I could be the man that she needed. There was still hope for me... for us.
But the voices... the demons... they overrode that meek, hopeful voice. Their shouts were demanding. They were louder than the small sliver of hope that I held in the back of my mind. They knew me much better. They knew I would never be good enough. Their hold on me was disgusting but powerful. Their grip firm. They knew the game and they were damn champions at it.
I was in a game of mental stability and confidence but so far I was losing.
Small knocks came from the bedroom door. I don't say anything. I don't answer it. I knew that there was no point in yelling at the intruder to not come in because she would do it anyway. It was 3:15 in the afternoon which meant one thing - Maddie's daily check ups.
"Harry?" Her small voice calls out to me, like she did every day since I arrived. She runs over to the bed, her careful steps no longer hesitant. "Are you awake?"
"No," I groan. I can hear her childish giggles as she crawls up and under the covers. I don't stop her. I learnt the hard way that she was too stubborn. It freaked me out how much she was like me. The similarities that we shared. I thought that I'd dislike her. I wasn't the biggest fan of kids, but she was different. She was smart, witty, naive... reminded me of Isabella in that way.
"C'mon Harry, get up! You've been in this bed for so long! It really stinks in here too..." her voice trails off. Her little hands pinching her small nose. "Did a dog die in here? Our neighbor's dog Sweetie ran away. I think Sweetie died under your bed. Would explain the smell..."
Snarky little thing. Always saying shit to try and get under my skin. Too damn clever for an eight year old.
"You caught me. I smuggled Sweetie and suffocated her with my dirty socks."
"It's a boy," she chuckles as she shakes her head. Her brown curls were tied up into a high pony tail and smacking me in the face.
I bite my tongue holding back the string of curses that fight to escape me. If I knew that I'd be spending every damn afternoon with an eight year old, I would have never came here in the first place.
"Where's Dylan?" I ask her, shutting her up from the high pitched giggles that erupted from inside of her.
"Dad went to go buy dinner. Do you like burgers? He said we're having burgers tonight. I don't really like burgers unless they put cheese in it. That's the only way it tastes good," she rambles on. That was one thing I had noticed about Maddie... she was a consistent rambler.
"Great."
There's a silent pause that falls over us. I don't say anything to her and she doesn't say anything to me. I sit up in bed, unraveling myself from my cocoon of blankets. A layer of goosebumps cover my bare chest. "Fuck, it's freezing," I mutter. "Why is it so cold in here?"
I look over at Maddie who has a sheepish smile on her lips.
"What did you do?"
She shakes her head. Her lips fighting to smile. Her cheeks turn a soft pink, her hazel eyes dancing in sheer amusement.
"I turned off your heater," she giggles.
"Why would you-"
"You need to get out of this bedroom Harry. Please!" She pleas, her lips dropping into her attempt at a puppy dog look. Damn her for being really good at it. "You haven't even explored Toronto yet!"
Ignoring her, I wrap myself back up in my blankets. She doesn't take my silence as a no. Instead of getting up and leaving like I hoped she would, she pulls the blankets with as much might as she could muster up. She heaves her small body across the bed. Once she realizes that was of no use, she stands up.
"Don't..." I give her a warning glare. She ignores me and continues on with her plan.
Maddie jumps on top of me earning a loud oomph. "Bloody hell!" I shout, pushing her small body gently off of me. This only riles her up more causing her to jump on me once again this time continuously.
"Get up! Get up!" She shouts, her little hands smothering my face. "Get up!"
"I-carnt-brrth," I shout but fail miserably. Her hands covering my mouth, blocking the words to form properly. This only encouragers her even more. My hands move from it's tight confines of the heavy blanket and wrap around her tiny wrists. I pull her hands off of my face, allowing the air to easily flow through my breathing passages. "Damn it, Maddie!"
"Language Harry! Daddy says those words are bad," she scolds. Her pointer finger shaking at me. I roll my eyes, pushing the tiny girl off of me.
"I thought you wanted to be punk rock. Punk rockers swear."
She only shrugs, "I'll be a non-swearing punk rocker."
I snort, biting back my amused chuckle. She glances back at me. Her small legs criss crossed in front of her as she sits back down on the bed. Her arms folded in her lap. She watches me. Her stare not once wavering away. Curiosity is written over her features, "So?"
I knew how bad she wanted me to go out but had never pushed it. Ever since I got to their home from the airport, both her and Dylan had been more than accommodating towards me. Not once asking questions or forcing me to do shit that I didn't want to do. Except for going outside of bed... Maddie couldn't quite grasp that I didn't feel like doing anything other than wallowing in my self misery. Yet the more I staid cooped up in this bed the more I knew I had to get away.
"Fine," I finally answer her. She lights up, a smile spreading across her lips.
"Really?"
"Yeah. Fine but I need to shower first," I say to her. She nods with excitement, her lips still spread out into a shit eating grin. I push the blankets off of my body once again, pulling a dirty t-shirt over my head. I sniff my clothes and grimace.
Pulling out a fresh pair of jeans, boxers and a sweater from the hamper in the bedroom, I step inside the adjoining guest bathroom. The reflection in the mirror is something that I did not recognize. The man in front of me was dull. Pale skin, dull sunken eyes and chapped lips. Brown hair was pushed back in a greasy mess. Shit... I looked like absolute shit.
I run my tongue along my lips. My fingers running through the grease soaked locks. Slowly, I pull my shirt off of my head revealing my tattooed inked skin. Bending down, I pull off my sweats.
The hot water scorches my skin, but I feel numb to it. Suddenly, a sharp pain shoots through my side. "Fuck," I seethe, the pain rushing up my side and down my back. I step further into the shower allowing the hot water to mend my sore muscles. The pain slowly disappearing...
"Harry!" A loud pounding comes from the other side of the door. "Hurry up! Hurry up! A snail is faster than you."
Ignoring her high pitched yells, I shut the hot water. I wrap the towel around my body, drying ever inch. I pull the jeans and sweater on, checking myself in the mirror. The reflection was still someone I did not recognize. This guy was not me. His cheekbones were too prominent, his skin too pale. The stubble that attempted to grow against my chin looked out of place. Opening the cabinet I find a razor. Splashing some water on my face I run the razor dry across it, careful to not cut myself. I hated doing it this way but I had no other choice.
"Harry," Maddie yells once again causing me to almost cut myself.
"Shit," I say under my breath, rolling my eyes at her incessant pleading. "Fuck. Whatever..."
On the bed sat my impatient eight year old sister. Half sister... fuck that was weird to think. She was my sister. We shared the same damn DNA, the same father... "What took you so long? The day is only getting older! Stop being so lazy and get moving," Maddie demands, pushing against the bottom of my back.
I slip on a pair of boots and a blue beanie. The long, wet curls tucked away from my face. "It's really cold out today. I'd wear a jacket if you have one." The brown jacket is warm against my arm and I know it will work.
Following Maddie out of the bedroom, my eyes focus on what's in front of me. The same pain that shot through my side earlier returns causing me to stoop over in pain. "Shit," I groan, my eyes shutting. "What the hell."
"Are you okay?" Maddie asks, fear rushing into her voice. She's quickly by my side, her small hands reaching out to touch my arm. I flinch, the pain hitting my back.
"I just need to stretch," I tell her. She moves away to allow more space to surround me. I move my arms over my head and move my hip out. The pull feels great against my muscles. I inhale a deep breath and hold the pose. I release my arm and repeating the same motion onto the other side.
"Feel better?"
I let go of my arms, allowing them to fall to my side. The temporary pain that rushed through my body easing away. "Yeah," I answer her slowly. My eyes transfixed on the wall in front of me. Deep breaths being inhaled and exhaled.
"You need fresh air," she states, pulling my hand into hers.
As we walk to the front door, it suddenly opens revealing Dylan. He looks at me, his eyes widening in shock. "Oh! Harry, you're up."
"Yeah."
"We're going to go for a walk," Maddie cuts in. Dylan looks down at her, a gentle smile on his lips.
"Do you want to eat dinner first?" He asks her, holding up the fast food bags.
"After our walk!" She giggles, pulling me along with her. I shrug, not saying much else.
"Alright, just uh... take my cell with you, alright? I know yours is still long distance. Call the house if anything happens." He hands the phone to me in which I accept.
Nodding, I mutter a quick "Sure," and follow Maddie out of the house.
She skips down the steps, her feet clad in a pair of white sneakers. I follow close behind her, my lungs not used to the fresh, crisp air. Everything is unknown to me. A contrast to all that I was used to. It was foreign... unusual.
Maddie leads us down the street. We pass by different homes and shops until she suddenly stops, turns around and faces me. A big smile is etched across her face. She is quick to grab my hand, my own looking like one of a giant. She doesn't seem to mind though. Too preoccupied on the journey in front of us. We continue to walk and I begin to feel uncomfortable holding on to her hand. This whole situation was uncomfortable and to put it frankly... weird.
I didn't know why I was here. That was a lie, I knew why I was here but I still felt uneasy about it all. Dylan was a stranger. He was kind though, allowing me to stay in his home because here I was. I was here, staying at his house and away from all the bullshit that I left behind. Away from the beautiful woman I used to call mine. But regardless of what the DNA tests said and the kindness he showed me, he was still a stranger.
"Harry, I'm your dad." He says to me slowly.
Dylan was my dad. My dad. My fucking father. The words repeat over and over again, each time tasting bitter against my tongue.
"What?"
"I know that this is sudden-"
"The fuck it is," I say, my voice growing loud.
"But-" he quickly interjects, "I wanted you to know. I've been wanting to talk to you for years. When your mum told me..."
"You still talk to mum?" I ask him, completely bewildered by everything that was happening.
"Not so much anymore. But when I saw you I went to her. She told me that you were living in London and I wanted to see you. Both you and Ben are my sons... my boys. I miss you both. I'm a better man now, not like what I was before. I want to get to know you-"
"Stop!" My voice breaks, the volume superseding my own expectations. "Fucking hell! Just... stop! I don't need you in my life. You left us... you left my mum, and Ben...and me. We were kids and you left us. I don't need you in my damn life. Get out! Get the fuck out of here and away from me."
He looks down at me, his dull eyes brimmed with sheer sadness. "Son-"
"Don't fucking call me that," I saw lowly. My fists are shaking at my sides. My breathing coming out in quick puffs of air. I was angry. God, I was beyond angry. I needed Izzy...to calm me down. I was absolutely, fucking livid. How dare he come to my home... to go to my mother...
"Get out now."
Dylan nods slowly. He reaches into his pocket, pulling something out. A piece of paper is in his hands. He offers it to me slowly, his eyes judging me wearily. "Please. Take this."
A few moments pass before I take the paper from his hand. It's a phone number. "It's a Canadian number... That's where I live. If you change your mind, please call me. I want to get to know you Harry. I really do..."
"Harry, this way!" Maddie snaps me from my memory, pulling me down the street.
Following her, I shake my head clear of the day. The night everything changed.