Title: Our Differences
Author: thesoupernovva
Reviewer: SilasNevrin
Cover Art: 2/5
Your cover just made me think of one word. Eh. It feels like no effort was put into this, maybe there was—but it doesn't feel that way.
It looks like you just slapped text with two types of font onto a photograph of two girls and a sticker as well.
This is my first impression, without having read the summary. Now at this moment in time I don't know anything about your story apart from the title and the author's name.
The stock image shows two girls, both appearing different at first glance. But that's just about everything I get from the photo. If I had seen that cover as I was scrolling through my home page—I would keep scrolling.
So here's what I think you should do:
Find an image that clearly represents your story but doesn't overload the reader visually. The image you used while including two different girls-so I see the reasoning- gives many different colours as well and just doesn't look clean cut enough for a book cover. You don't have to just have two girls in the same setting they were photographed in—try using some photo editing (I recommend PicsArt) to chop some girls from different photographs, place them onto a less crowded background and create a sort of theme with your colour scheme. The colours should try and match the interpretation of your novel.
For example: I wouldn't use the colour pale pink for a title such as- Murder at 9. It just doesn't fit.
It's nice when colours compliment each other on covers like white and pink, blue and black etc. I do not like seeing orange and bright green on a cover unless it's about a fire princess sitting in a field.
Now, the fonts you used on the cover. Granted the necessary information was there but I honestly hate the font you chose for the extras.
The main title font—I like. It's cute and rounded, gives you a nice feeling of neatness and makes you think of girls essentially. But when put infront of a crowded picture with no cohesion, you lose the ability to see what the font clearly says. This is the trouble with using a font that takes a second longer to understand. Your font fades into the background and it honestly just looks like a bunch of squiggles.
Keep the font—ditch the photo.
Your extras, I like the phrase two cliques, one friendship it's nice and gives me a little teaser before I read the summary. But that font, holy mother of Mary are you trying to give me a heart attack? Ditch it, ditch it now. For your extras like your author name and excerpts you should use a simplistic, small font if you're going for something different to the title font.
It shouldn't stand out more than the title. That's a big red flag. The title is the big shazam of your cover and if it's being overshadowed by an excerpt? Oh dear no.
Choose a small font, clean cut with harsh lines, not squiggly or round and fluffy.
Title: 5/5
Sometimes it's really easy to get the title wrong for your novel.
But in this case—I like the title, it's short, it's snappy. It tells me exactly what I need to know without stuffing a whole bunch of fluff down my throat.
It explains clearly what the story will be about, the differences between two or more people and it shows that the book will highlight these issues.
I have to wonder if this was your first choice or if you had some others before this. Otherwise, good job!
Summary: 3/5
The cover was all in, the title pulled back and now we're at the summary.
You've included everything you need to, but it just needs a little tugging at the reigns. You introduced your MCs, you've set the stage so to speak, you've introduced conflict and lightly touched upon why the reader should read this book.
I like that you've highlighted each girl and given them a little spotlight to showcase themselves and the specific things about these characters that the reader should know before reading the story.
I recognise that you've highlighted the stakes at risk: their secrets being revealed. And I appreciate how you've revealed how the budding friendship will begin but left it at a mystery as to how exactly the secrets will come to light other than it being a twist of fate.
Now let's get into the critiques:
Immediately I notice that Chloe has more lines of description than Felicity. You should try and equal this out as much as possible so you don't overload with unnecessary information on one character while the other is left without any time to shine.
You've given way too much information for both girls regardless. I'd like to see you try and compact their descriptions into three/ four sentences each. This will really challenge you to discover exactly what it is you want the reader to know without telling them everything about the character before they've even opened the book.
I like how you've introduced Chloe in the beginning as rich, popular and fashionable. It's again, short and sweet which I like. You're giving me a taste and making me want more. Like a cinnamon roll. All the info about Chloe having the best friends and being on top of the social food chain is completely unnecessary. Don't need it.
Chloe Jefferson; Rich, popular and fashionable.
You use a semi colon incorrectly here. A semicolon is used when attaching two singular sentences together that make sense on their own without the other. In this instance, that is not the case. Also you do not use a capital letter after a semicolon. The use of a colon would be more appropriate, as you are listing things about the character.
Chloe Jefferson: rich, popular and fashionable.
Immediately the flow is there, it's more seamless and most importantly—it makes sense.
She's so pretty, one wouldn't be surprised if she appeared on the front cover of Seventeen magazine. Her life seems perfect.
Along with the first sentence of descriptors, I've cut out the fluffy information and kept what I deemed necessary. You're not overloaded, just given enough of one side to Chloe that it makes you want to know more.
Chloe has a secret; One she'd try to keep hidden at all costs.
Again it's the incorrect use of a semicolon. You just need to brush up on your grammar a little. This is important as this summary is one of the first things people see before reading your book. If they don't see something they like and can point out more mistakes than positives in your writing—they'll be swiping left on your book.
Perfect people like Chloe have secrets, secrets that should stay buried at all costs.
In this example I've rearranged some words and added some. I've established Chloe is seemingly perfect but she has a secret, and established what she'll do to keep it hidden. Again, the flow is better and easier for the reader to get through.
Like a creamy cheesecake.
With Felicity, I feel like you're not giving her the justice she deserves.
Felicity Bloom was labeled a nerd from day one at Evermore high for always being in the library reading and hardly socialising with anyone.
Okay first of all, take a breather. Just looking at the sentence gives me anxiety. We've all been there, it's like carb-loading. Sometimes we just can't stop ourselves. But you need to stop. For the greater good.
There's a mis-spelling of labelled so just make sure you check over your work with grammar-ly or any free spellchecker you can find online.
In my eyes it would seem more natural and snappy if you had said:
Felicity bloom: labelled outcast at her high school for sticking her nose in books instead of socialising.
I just swapped out some words and condensed the sentence to make it more engaging. I don't think mentioning the specific high school is necessary so I just said high school. If you wanted to introduce the name of the high-school then a sentence should have been put before chloe's introduction. Something like:
Two girls in Evermore high are about to discover the true meaning of friendship and secrets.
Or something along those lines so you don't crowd Felicity's intro with that information.
She puts up with every insult thrown at her and everyone thinks she just doesn't care about what anyone thinks of her.
It's obvious that she's not a very well liked character and I like that you've established the clear difference between the two girls. However, this sentence is too informal for a book summary.
You're writing a novel, not texting your friends.
It's the part "everyone thinks she just doesn't care" that makes me think this. It has a derogatory tone to it already but it makes the narrator sound like a 15-year-old girl.
Practice is key. The more you write, the more naturally it will come to you. And one tip I have about narrators. You do not want an unreliable narrator. An unreliable narrator can be often described as someone with little knowledge, is biased or is naive.
Wording it like this will help your description come out clearer and more professionally:
She deflects every insult and everyone assumes they do not affect her.
This example uses more sophisticated language and again shortens to clip out words that aren't necessary.
But sometimes, when people act like they're fine, they're usually not.
I like what you were trying to do here—but I just have a few tips.
Essentially this is grammatically correct but the first comma really just gives an unnecessary pause in the sentence. You really only need a pause for the last half, where the more interesting part of the sentence is revealed. Do it slowly, don't rip it off like a bandaid.
When fate unravels both teens' secrets to each other, they make a promise they'll keep each other's secrets hidden for as long as necessary while at the same time helping each other cope with their pasts. But promises were meant to be broken and not all secrets can stay secrets forever.
Mamma Mia.
I like the idea but it's the common theme of too much information and too many words. I'll show you a shortened version to help explain.
When fate reveals both the girls secrets to each other, they make a promise to keep them hidden—while dealing with their destructive pasts.
But promises can be broken, and not all secrets stay secrets forever.
This version is just what's necessary without all the fluff. It's more cohesive, flows better and is overall easier to swallow. Like I said, practice practice practice.
Description + Imagery: 2/5
There's not much to say about this.
I'm a sucker for a great description, one that's got a wide variety of small and unique details that makes it stand out from being just another classroom or just another park.
It's how you want your characters to view the world, and themselves in it. You've made a minimal effort to describe Chloe and Felicity but that's about it. You can't expect me to believe that the characters just coast through life not bothering to look and interpret what's around them?
Try this: for place descriptions, try and think about the four Ws, where, when, what and why.
Where are they in that moment, a sunken submarine plunging into the depths of the unknown? A massive corn field ready for harvest?
When are they? The season, what's the weather like? Time or day anything like that.
What are they doing? Are they waiting for someone? Are they getting lost in a book like felicity in the library?
And why are they there? What's the purpose for their visit to this particular place.
I love a good monologue inside a characters head, like a running conversation between them and their subconscious. So utilising this will really help you, considering Chloe and Felicity both seem like they need proper friends and have some pretty strong personalities.
Now...character descriptions.
All I remember from reading your book is that Chloe had on pink, sparkly nail varnish in the first couple of chapters and has blonde hair.
I won't lie, because I'm not here to lie to you. I'm here to help you. If I don't remember anything about your characters, apart from a few small details then you're not trying hard enough.
Give me how they feel about themselves when they look in the mirror, give me what they think of other characters. Every perception is different, just again utilise this to really bring your characters to life.
Dialogue: 3/5
Okay. Your dialogue isn't bad. That said, it's not great either.
You've got a cohesiveness to your speech and you mostly follow the proper technique of starting a new paragraph and using the comma at the end of the dialogue continuing on with he/she (speech related term: e.g. said, yelled Etc...) you've got some slip ups here and there so a quick edit is needed.
What I have a problem with is the actual words.
It's elementary in a way. Yes, your dialogue between characters moves the story along but (this ties in with character relationships) your characters don't interact the way people would in real life.
When Felicity and Olivia have an argument in the flashback (also Olivia called Felicity by Chloe's name so I just assume this is an error) Felicity goes straight into yelling with no build up. You're showing me the cake and then shoving it down my throat without giving me time to savour it. Let me see Felicity and Olivia get riled up, get angry, get mad before they start yelling out of absolutely nowhere.
Even if my ex best friend (yes I have one) bumped me in the hall, I would never go straight to yelling. Let us watch Olivia sweat as Felicity calls her out, let Felicity get upset when Olivia calls her a know it all and a show off.
Otherwise you did an okay job.
Plot: 3/5
I haven't seen this tried anywhere before and that's hard to do.
Of course I've seen two girls who have been enemies and become friends but it's that thing they share that becomes the key to the entire story. So many tropes are overused these days and made unbearable to read.
You've got a strong foundation, it's just needs some chipping and a polish.
Characterisation: 3/5
I'm focusing on Chloe and Felicity here.
Felicity- what do I know about her: she used to be popular but then got called out by her friends, had a bike accident and suddenly turned outcast. She likes her books and spends most of the time in the library. She's rich or her parents are so I assume she lives in a big house with lots of...stuff. She's groan to be callous and manipulative.
This tells me that: she's lonely, possibly has developed a strong wall to keep out people from getting close again. Like she said she'd rather have enemies than fake friends. So give me glimpses of Felicity wandering around her big empty house, feeling empty. Let me see Felicity watch her old friends in sadness as they pass through the hallways.
Because right now all I'm getting is attitude and book reading. Which is fine for now, but she feels one dimensional and she deserves so much more than that.
Chloe: she's terrified to show her true self, she goes to therapy, she's trying to be popular just to get through high school.
Chloe is less developed than Felicity so give her some zest, show me something she loves to do but only does in secret because she's afraid she'll be made fun of. Writing, playing the cello, writing math problems. Something we can relate to her about. Because, yeah she surges in a bad situation she can't seem to get out of but that's about it.
Character Relationships: 2/5
Again you've got a nice foundation to dig into but, it's like you put a good foundation onto a mountain peak and it could topple either side.
Show me some emotion! Other than pain, anger, sarcasm, loneliness.
Take Felicity and her mother sitting in the hospital. Her mother just spouts a simple "thought I'd lost you—" something or another with no expression, no emotion. Yeah her words are sincere but they don't reach her eyes.
This is a mother who has just nearly lost her child, she should be crying, hugging her endlessly, calling the nurse to check her over etc but if you wanted it to come across as it being more of a burden for the mother then reinforce that by making the mother say, when are they keeping you until I have a meeting at whenever or better yet she sends a chauffeur out to bring you home instead of visiting.
This shows that she is definitely taking this hit more on herself that caring about her daughters crash.
Chloe and her parents obviously have no relationship whatsoever. I like her interactions with her therapist, I wish she'd say something like even though I don't think the therapy is working, I still go just so I can see her—it makes me feel less alone blah blah.
It's shows some vulnerability.
Now the big one. Felicity and Chloe.
Their relationship isn't even a relationship. Their interaction at the hospital has me completely baffled and left feeling robbed.
Just to make life easier you altered their reactions so they would reveal their secrets to one another just like that with no build up or anything. If Felicity gets Chloe walking out of the therapists office, I'd expect Chloe to run away and not listen to the girl. Felicity should think about making the video viral and this gives us a great little insight into where she's leaning more toward—good or bad.
In this case she just acts no better and says tell me your secret or I'll release this everywhere proving she's no better than who she's being bullied by. Even if Chloe had revealed her secret, I don't see why she'd stick around to hear Felicity's. Yes she doesn't actually dislike the girl but if I'd just been manipulated into telling someone my darkest secret, I'd give them wanted and no more.
I'd certainly not give them my time, at least until the next day. I'd have preferred it if Chloe had left after being forced to tell her and then left, leaving Felicity to think about it overnight and think about whether it was the right choice to force it out of her and go into school the next day and try and make things right.
Just think, if I was in this situation what would I do and why.
OVERALL SCORE: 23/40
You've got something. Just practice practice practice on making it cohesive. Try out the short story contests in The Monthly Gemstone !wards I think that would really help you. It's like when an artist does quick sketches.
Write short stories to build up your technique until it becomes so natural you can do it without a wink of sleep lost.
Good luck with your book and I wish you all the best!