DECEMBER, 2019. CONT.
Our morning started at 4am with Harry holding my hair back as everything I've consumed in the past 24 hours spilled right into the toilet bowl. I knew it was bound to happen with how anxious I've been, and when I felt it, I tried really hard to be quiet so he wouldn't hear me.
But of course, he senses when the warmth from my skin is no longer against his own and came following. He didn't hesitate to drop down on his knees beside me and grab my hair, pulling it back as he rubbed circles into my spine.
The entire time he made sure to speak soft words into my ear to reassure my discomfort. It was moments like those that made me love him more and more each day.
When I was finished, he let me wash my mouth and brought me back to bed. He held me as close as possible until I fell asleep again. Only for me to wake up an hour later with the same issue. We decided not to sleep anymore after that.
It's about 8am now and I'm exhausted. I just want this day to be over already.
Harry fixed me a bath and I was in there for a while until it got cold. Now I've just been sitting against the bed frame in nothing but a robe as he showers.
Blair and I have been texting all morning as well. Unfortunately, she couldn't sleep either. Just the thought of River being capable of showing up at any time scared her. And I don't blame her.
Even Benny stayed with her to make sure she didn't feel so alone. I'm pretty sure she was happy about that.
"Are you hungry? Want me to order breakfast?" Harry's voice carries into the room as he emerges from the bathroom, nothing but a towel hanging around his waist.
"You can get breakfast if you're hungry." I softly tell him.
He shakes his head, "I'm okay. I'm too uneasy to eat."
My eyes follow him as he crosses the room and snatches a pair of boxers from his suitcase before sliding them on under the towel. Finally, he drops it over one of the dining chairs and exhales, making his way toward the bed.
The bed dips as he falls face first onto it, his face pressing against my thigh. My fingers automatically rest in his hair, combing the damp curls lightly. I feel his fingers tracing random patterns all over my leg, sending goosebumps all along my skin.
We sit in silence and his lips press against my thigh gently as if he's trying to comfort me. I think he can feel how rapid my heartbeat is from where he's lying on me.
"I should probably start getting ready." I murmur, fingers mindlessly tracing along his shoulder.
Harry props his jaw up on my thigh to look up at me for a moment. He nods slowly, almost hesitantly as if he doesn't want me to go.
Oh right, he doesn't.
"What if I go with you?" He proposes, sitting up on his knees to scoot close to me.
I shake my head, "Absolutely not. I have to finish this on my own. This is my problem. He wants me. You have to trust that I can do this."
"Of course I trust you. He's no match for Soleil Monroe."
I grin at him, pinching his cheek lovingly. It takes me back to when we first met and he'd call me by my full name because I called him by his.
I don't really try to get all dressed up. There's no real reason he needs to see me with a full face of makeup or a low cut shirt. Fuck that.
I'm going to wear Harry's hoodie over a pair of jeans. And Harry didn't hesitate to spritz his cologne all over the hoodie with a very proud smile.
By 10:30, Harry and I are standing outside the back entrance of the hotel, waiting for the Uber. I inhale sharply, feeling my stomach churn as it pulls into the lot. He grabs my face and looks into my eyes.
"He's a dead man." He calmly says before kissing me softly. I place my hand on his cheek as he does so, feeling him grin into my lips.
"I love you." I quietly tell him once we pull away.
"Mean it?" He mocks and I shove him away from me but he grabs my hand, pulling me right back to kiss me again. "I love you."
With a final smile, I make my way to the Uber and get inside, letting it take me away from my Harry.
-
Beachwood is oddly empty this morning. Does no one really fucking go to cafes this early anymore? The only people inside are an elderly couple and the workers behind the front counter.
It's 11:02 when I arrive, pulling the door back and looking around. My eyes settle onto the figure in the corner, feeling my heart drop. Glancing at my phone, I quickly read the messages on my lock screen.
Blair: Cops will be there soon. Just hold on. I love you babe
Chérie: Miss your pretty face. Come back to me as soon as you can.
Inhaling, I walk over to the table he's sitting at and slide into the chair across the table from him. He instantly lifts his head to look up at me and a small smirk reaches his face.
"It's been a while." River states, folding his hands on the table.
Just wait it out, Mona. You got this.
"What do you want?" I sigh.
"You don't seem excited to see me." He frowns.
"My apologies for wanting nothing to do with someone who burned my fucking house down."
I spit.
River rolls his eyes and runs his fingers through his hair.
"You act like you're so innocent." He scoffs.
"I didn't do anything to you."
"You cheated on me!" He hisses, his hand slamming down on the table.
From the counter, both workers are watching intently, whispering to each other.
"I know, and I would say I'm sorry but I don't regret it anymore. You're a sick fuck. What I did is nothing compared to what you put me through. I don't understand why you won't just leave me alone."
"This isn't about me." River firmly states.
"Then what is it about?"
He pauses and sits back, "Ever heard of a girl named Fiona?"
Fiona? As in the Fiona that took advantage of my Harry?
"What about her?" I carefully ask.
"When Harry fired her, she was absolutely wrecked. Of course, being the older brother, I had to do everything I could to make sure I got even."
Now I feel sick again.
Fiona is River's little sister. How many people in my life are connected to this ass?
"Look River, Fiona took advantage of him. She caused a lot of shit. I don't even think she's mad anymore." I reason.
"Either way, I have to protect her." He shrugs.
"You've already done enough." I whisper.
River leans forward in a rapid motion, grabbing my wrist and wrapping his fingers around it aggressively. His nails dig into my skin and I try to pull away from his grasp.
"It's never enough." He grits.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see the group of policemen running toward the entrance. They pull the door back come filing in, rushing toward River and I.
His eyes widen before he glances over to me.
"I don't know what you thought you were doing threatening the love of my fucking life and my best friend, but if you thought you'd get away with it, you're dead wrong." I hiss as a cop grabs River's hands and pins him against the table.
I rub my arm, feeling the sting of his nails and grasp begin to burn.
"I don't understand why you're so defensive over someone who doesn't even see you in their future." River spits, the cop cuffing him roughly.
"You're wrong." I state, keeping my ground.
They lift him up, reading him his rights as they begin to pull him away.
"Then why did he return that pretty little engagement ring?" He shouts before being dragged out.
Wait, what?
-
Harry doesn't hesitate to lunge forward and throw his arms around me, burying his face into my neck the second I walk into the hotel room. He looks pretty rough as if he had been pacing the floor until he got rug burn on his feet.
Things are also very neatly put away and cleaned up and I'm guessing he anxiously tidied up the room. And judging by the mess of the nail polish bottles all over the bed, it seems he was trying to distract himself.
When we pull away, he kisses me and I don't really kiss back, feeling very conflicted. River's words kept bouncing around my head the entire ride home. Everything just feels so fast.
"What took you so long?" He asks as he pulls me inside.
"They needed me to make a statement. Then I stopped by the store to grab a pack of gum." I shrug, dropping my bag on the floor.
His eyes search my face wildly, looking confused.
"Are you okay? What happened?"
I sit on the edge of the bed as my shoulders drop.
"Fiona's his little sister." I mutter, watching as he joins me.
"No fucking way." Harry breathes out, shaking his head in disbelief.
"Couldn't believe it either." I mumble.
Harry reaches out and takes my right hand, eyes glued to the bruising and crescent shaped cuts into my skin.
"Oh, my love." He whispers as his fingers brush over the bruises.
"I'm fine." I pull away, standing up.
Harry's gaze follows me, "What's going on? What really happened, Soleil." He demands.
I face the wall away from him and bite my lip. Exhaling, I turn on my heel to see him.
"He said something to me and I can't stop thinking about it."
"What did he say?"
"He asked me why I was so defensive over someone who didn't see me in their future. Meaning you."
"Why would he say that?" Harry scoffs, rolling his eyes.
"Did you return the engagement ring?" I blurt.
The color drains from his face and he stares back at me blankly. That's when I feel my heart crack in half.
I don't even want to hear what he has to say.
"How does he know that?" Harry croaks dryly.
I want to drop dead right now.
"So you did." I flatly reply.
Running a hand over his face, Harry blows out some air and looks around the room. He looks lost for a moment before his eyes return to me.
"It's really none of your business."
"But it is." I counter. "I see my future with you and only you. I want you to be the one I marry and the one who's the father to my children. No one else. Don't you feel the same?"
"Of course I do." He stands up.
"So why did you return the ring?" I press.
"Soleil..."
"You said it yourself. This is the last time. You knew what I wanted and where this would lead to. I'm not saying you have to fall on your knees and marry me now, I just want to know what the fuck we're doing."
"I told you, we're taking it slow."
I could drop kick him.
"Slow? We're living together! This has been years in the fucking making! Fuck slow! I'm done taking it slow, Harry. This is a now or never situation. How many times are we going to have to do this before we finally get it right?" I explode, inching toward him slowly.
"We just need time."
"Time for what? We've had all the time in the world. Just tell me why you returned the ring so we can talk and figure it out."
Harry remains silent. He doesn't tear his eyes away from me as he calmly inhales.
"I can't." He dryly tells me.
"What do you mean you can't?"
"I just can't tell you why."
I feel like I can't breathe. I feel so fucking stupid. Stupid for thinking we'd be okay. Stupid for assuming nothing bad would happen. But of course, my life is a fucking joke.
And suddenly, the words are tumbling from my mouth before I can stop them.
"Then go." It comes out weak. So broken. I've been chewed up and spit out so many times now.
Harry's entire face falls as he shakes his head rapidly.
"You don't know what you're saying. I'm not going. I can't just walk away now." He tries but I shake my head as well.
"Please Harry, if you want this to be easier, just leave." My lip quivers as tears fill my eyes.
"But, Soleil..." He trails off, sounding so defeated and my heart breaks.
"Harry, just go." I speak just above a whisper, ready to collapse.
Deep down, I don't want him to go. My heart is screaming for him to stay but my mind is spinning and I don't even want to look at him.
And so he leaves. Walks out of this room and most likely my life again.
I fall apart as soon as the door shuts, sobbing into oblivion. As I lie there, my eyes land on my bag against the wall in the corner.
And nothing hurts more than sitting on the toilet seat, waiting for the little stick in my trembling hands to tell me my future in the matter of seconds.
**
I AM SO SORRY