"Choke On a Kiss, I Thought I'd Save My Breath For You"
May 2, 1997
Syracuse, NY
Screaming.
That is all that can be heard for miles as flashes of blue and orange storm the turf field of Carrier Stadium to congratulate the men's lacrosse team on yet another undefeated season. In my three years at Syracuse, I've never seen the stadium this packed, and it just goes to show what this team has accomplished both on and off the field.
Amy and I jump up and down enthusiastically from our seats in the student section, opting to steer clear of the crowd and enjoy the energy in the air. The two of us were invited to the teams party tonight, so there's no real reason to run down there with everyone else. Security already has enough on their hands.
I can't help but blush at the sight of Liam's baggy practice penny draped over my small figure, obscuring the view of my white Bad Brains t-shirt. When I got on the bus to turn in the final mixes for my advanced production class this afternoon, my boyfriend was on his way back to his own house and gifted the clean jersey to me for the game tonight.
It was a weird encounter to say the least because Liam has never once asked me to wear anything specific to his games, especially not something showcasing his number, but since it's his senior day he wanted to 'switch things up'.
"Are you sure you don't want to go down there?" Amy nudges my arm as I watch my boyfriend being tackled to the ground by his teammates. "Maybe give him a congratulatory kiss in front of his coaches?" I roll my eyes at my friends question, knowing that she's just saying it to pick on me now.
"I actually think we need to head out of here before the buses get packed," I mumble and watch as a group of girls approach the long-haired boy, "Don't you?"
Amy must have noticed the careless flirting as well, a deep frown setting on my best friends face as she throws her backpack over her right shoulder. "I'd go kick a freshman's ass if I were you, but that's just me."
"They're harmless," I shrug, and watch Liam skillfully wave them off, "See."
One of the only positives in my relationship with Liam is that he's insanely loyal. We may not have much excitement, but we have trust, and that's been enough to keep me with him. He's younger, inexperienced and believes he is in love with me, but in reality, Liam doesn't know what real love is.
"You put too much trust in that boy Rose," The short haired brunette shakes her head as we make our way to the stadium exit. "What are you going to do if one day you find out he did cheat?"
My blue eyes glance at her, a smirk forming on my lips as I shake my head. "If either of us cheat in this relationship, it would be my Ams. One advantage of being older than all of you is that I have previous relationship experience, and Li doesn't show any of the signs. He thinks he loves me..."
"You don't love him?"
She links her arm through mine, speeding up our pace a little as a crowd can be seen gathering at the bus stop. "I don't love him the way he wants me to, no. I'm still hung up on my last relationship."
"You never speak about your last relationship..."
I nod, "Because it's in the past. The memories may have faded with time, but these feelings just won't."
-------
Jack and I do a quick cheer, clinking our shot glasses together before downing the clear liquid inside them. The two of us are all that's left of our original friend group, having lost Casey and Amy on the dance floor and Liam to his teammates for keg stands.
"Want another?" He motions to the partially full bottle of expensive vodka that I can't pronounce, "I'm probably going to finish this off tonight."
I watch in silence as his eyes – not so subtly - glance up from his shot glass to the crowd of people and back, causing me to snicker. We'd lost Casey to some guy in her upper level psychology course, and it's pretty obvious that our blond friend is not too happy about it. "Take a picture buddy," I pat his arm before snatching the clear bottle away, "It's less creepy than staring from afar."
"I'm not staring," He groans before swallowing down the shot without so much as a grimace. "I'm glaring."
My eyes roll as I pour my own shot, "Glaring, staring, is there really a difference? Either way you're looking at her like a lost puppy. If you have feelings, man the fuck up and do something about it."
"It's not that easy..."
"It's not?" I scoff and quickly down my own shot, chasing it with one of the lemons we'd cut up earlier. "You act like feelings are as complicated as the crazy shit you study as an engineering major, but it's pretty simple Jack. Boy likes girl, boy tells girl, boy either gets turned down or they start dating, get married, and eventually have little spawns running around."
My tongue runs over my dry lips, trying to rid them of the burning citrus juice. "Jack you're going to lose your opportunity if you don't ask her soon. I'm saying this out of love, grow a pair and tell Casey you like her."
"You're one to talk Pierce," He grumbles and takes a swig straight from the bottle.
My eyebrows scrunch together at his vague statement, "What's that supposed to mean?"
"You obviously have moved on to someone else since Christmas Rose," Jack spits back, "You're sitting here leading Liam on when you're hung up on someone else, and that alone is fucked up. You're a hypocrite for telling me to out my feelings for one of my best friends when you are obviously too scared to admit your own."
Jack gets me, it's something I've hated since the day I met him. He's always been able to see right through my bullshit excuses, and this time is no exception. I'm about to respond when non-other than a tipsy Liam Macalister wraps his arm around my waist, increasing the tension between my friend and me.
"What's up with you two?" He slurs his words, trying – and failing – to motion between us with his hand. "You look like you're ready to kill each other."
"We might..." Jack mutters making me roll my eyes.
I'm not drunk enough to deal with any of this if I'm being honest, but Liam is the lesser of two evils right now. At least with him, I know I'll be able to put him to bed soon and get out of here.
"O-kay," My boyfriend tosses loose hair from his face, "Can I speak with Rose for a minute?"
"I think that's a great idea." My platinum blond friend shoots me one last glare, silently lecturing me to tell Liam how I am feeling before disappearing into the crowd with his bottle.
"Well, that was weird..." Liam cups his hand around an unopened beer can on the countertop, popping the tab easily. He shifts around so his back is against the sticky granite surface before pulling me close, "Want to sneak off to your place for the night? We're leaving at sunrise for the airport."
The thought of bringing his drunk self-back to my apartment makes me internally cringe. His actions are sloppy when he's intoxicated and he's usually only worried about getting himself off.
I learned really quick to save sex with him for sober nights and sober nights only. "I'm not feeling it tonight. Can't we just hang here?"
"Seriously?" His tone shocks me a bit as he shoves me away, "First you don't come down to the field after the game and now you don't want to hook up tonight? What is your problem Rosemary? Do you know how embarrassed I was when my parents met me down on the turf and you weren't at my side for pictures?"
My eyes widen, jaw falling slack at this new information. Liam didn't tell me his parents were coming to the game today, if I had known I would've bit the bullet and went down there. "I didn't know..."
"Yeah, because you don't talk to me anymore." His scoff catches the attention of a few guests passing by. "Are we even dating? Because I'm starting to feel like I'm drowning in the friendzone."
I wrap my arms around my waist, a bad habit I had created over the years for 'protection'. "Yes, of course we're dating Liam-"
"Then fucking start acting like it Rosemary!"
A body slides between Liam and me before anymore hurtful comments can be spat in my direction. I know most of this is because he is intoxicated and not in complete control of his actions, but they say 'drunk words, sober thoughts' for a reason, so how am I supposed to take this lightly?
"Bro." Clay, Liam's roommate since freshman year and best friend, interrupts. "You need to go chill the fuck out before you say something you'll regret man. People are watching, and right now you're making a total ass of yourself." Clay looks down at me sympathetically before grabbing his friend by the arm. "Maybe you should go home Ro..."
Liam glares over Clays shoulder, "Yeah, go home."
"Shut up." Clay's words are final as his fire filled brown eyes stare my boyfriend down. "We're going to bed."
You would think that tears would form in my eyes as I watch my relationship crumble in front of me. Shouldn't I feel something?
Pain? Agony? Maybe a little anger, at least toward myself? I feel nothing though, and watch silently as the two push through the crowd to get to their respective rooms.
-------
The temperature had dropped since the lot of us had left for the lacrosse house, making me wonder what possessed me to not wear a jacket tonight. The alcohol I consumed after Liam's meltdown kept me somewhat warm, but something inside me felt cold no matter what I did.
I'm starting to think it's my heart.
For three years, I've known this relationship was a dead end. Liam isn't mature and as much as I hate admitting it, I'm never going to fully get over Dave. Something about that relationship brought me to life, and that's why it took so long for me to leave him.
Even Kurt and I had more of a spark between us than I do with Liam...
The young lacrosse star has been my little distraction from day one, and nothing he could ever do will change that. I've abused his trust, abused his love, and it makes me worry that he'll never be the same after our eventual break up.
When we met, Liam was a wide eyed innocent twenty-year-old and I had just turned twenty-four. His bright nature drew me, and many other girls, to him immediately. Liam knows that he is charming and uses it to his advantage.
I thought I could fall for him, maybe even forget about my past life by accepting his love and affection, but as time went on, I became bored. We fell into a routine, and while I like an organized schedule, I can't stand repetition.
The answering machine beeps from across the room as I shut and lock the front door to the apartment behind me. Not bothering to take my beer soaked converse off as I cross the room to press the play button.
I expected to hear my mom's familiar voice or even one of Amy's sisters, but definitely not the masculine one that came through only seconds later.
"Hey angel eyes," His soft drunken slurs flow from white box as I finally decide to pull my high-top converse off. "It's Dave Grohl- wait shit I mean Dale Nixon. Fuck please tell me Amy isn't the one listening to this voicemail..." I can't help but chuckle at both of our intoxicated states as I press my forehead to the cream-colored wall to hold my balance. "Amy, if you're listening to this, I'm not in that band you like so much. I'm a regular guy."
My eyes roll instinctively at this statement and I toss my dirty party shoes onto the plastic mat next to our front door. "What an idiot..." I should be pissed about his screw up, knowing good and well that if Amy had been the one listening to this message, or god forbid Liam was here with me right now, that our secret would be out.
I should be mad – and maybe the alcohol in my system is a large factor – but right now I'm just glad to be hearing the brunette man's voice again. Other than work related discussions through email, I haven't spoken to him.
"Anyways," His voice breaks me out of my thoughts, "God I've been thinking a lot since this tour started..."
I stumble back over to the kitchen bar, sorting through the few pieces of mail that had been scattered on the countertop this week. "All you do is think Grohl. You're a fucking spaz who can't turn your brain off..."
"Do you remember it all?" His question catches me off guard, "Our early mornings curled up in that small ass bed in Kurt's apartment together? Or the coffee shop runs we'd make during the Nevermind tour?" I can hear an exasperated sigh leave the man's mouth, "I've been having these vivid flashbacks or dreams, I can't tell the difference anymore, since you left California. I can't get you out of my damn head and it's frustrating!"
My heart skips a beat at his confession, knowing good and well that if this wasn't a playback, I'd pick up the phone and inform my former lover that I remember everything as well. Every detail about our previous relationship, even the ones that are seemingly insignificant.
"God Rosemary... imagine trying to sleep and getting a boner because you recall a vivid memory of your ex-girlfriend riding you in the backseat of the van you're touring in!" My lower stomach twists into a knot at the memory. "We weren't even planning it, but I kept teasing you and one thing lead to another and fuck... I don't know why I didn't come after you Rose. I don't know why I did what I did, a moment of weakness maybe?"
My grip on the countertop in front of me tightens and I can't help but feel tears well up in my eyes as the beautiful boy starts rehashing old wounds. "That place on Aurora Avenue was our apartment. We put so much time into making that place our own because the house in Nags Head was already done when I bought it, but I sat there and defiled the place by bringing Jennifer there."
"Then I had to take it a step further and give her your fucking engagement ring and move her in as soon as you skipped town." I can picture the man sitting with his knees pulled up to his chest, dropping his face between them as he goes on. "I guess what I'm trying to say is that I get why you wouldn't kiss me that night. Pat asked me if I ran you off, and in a way, I guess I did. You were here to try and mend our old friendship and of course I had to make a bonehead move."
I lightly tap my fingernails against the clean hard surface beneath them, waiting for the kicker.
I'm just going to let you move on with your life...
"Maybe I've had one too many, or maybe I'm still running off adrenaline from today's performance on TFI Friday in London, but while I have this confidence, I need to tell you something." He pauses, leaving me on the edge of my seat until I hear the answering machine beep again, signaling the end of the message.
"What the fuck Dave?" I rush over to the white box, pressing the next button in hopes of finding another message, but nothing is available.
-------
Present
Toronto, ON
My grip on the cold beer in my hand unconsciously tightens as I listen to Amy's outlandish explanation of Rope. She had somehow found a whiteboard at a corner store while I was away for work earlier, using it to neatly write out the song lyrics to hold a 'lecture' when Frances and I got back.
"Oh my god I can't listen to this anymore," I groan and slam the can on my coffee table, taking the chance to push her out of the way and take over her so called lesson plan. "Dave wasn't fucking suicidal because of me. He's not saying that in the song, I would know."
Jack lifts his eyebrow in confusion as I erase some of the incorrect lyrics, replacing them with the correct words. "It's about a give and take type of relationship. It's really not that hard."
I cap the black marker, replacing it with a red one before circling the lyrics 'give me some rope I'm coming loose, I'm hanging on you' and 'give me some rope I'm coming loose, I'm pulling for you now'. "We relied on one another a little too much if I'm being honest, but we also couldn't seem to stay away."
My hand hovers over the lyrics 'when you go, I come loose' and I let out a sigh.
I'm always running, aren't I David?
"We are such a shit storm..." I place the red cap on top of the dry erase marker before tossing it in the nearby bin, turning to face my friends after. "Any other questions from the peanut gallery?"
Casey slowly raises a hand, and I motion for her to speak. "Yeah, how many of those have you had." She uses her thumb to point toward my beer, "Because you seem rather pissed at the moment."
"She's probably just on her period," Amy mutters, "She gets like this when it's that time."
My arms shoot above my head to showcase my frustration before I snatch my beer up to chug the rest of it. "I'm just fucking annoyed with this already guys! Yeah, I was nervous at first to hear the songs, but you've made it into a game of 'who can guess the meaning first'."
Frances purses her lips, sipping on her glass of wine. It's pretty obvious by her glare that she wants me to leave it be; the more stressed I become the more likely I am to have a panic attack later, but there's no way I can stop now.
"There's no million dollars to win here guys!" I pinch the bridge of my nose as the three shift their eyes down at their laps shamefully. "We're talking about the skeletons in my damn closet and I'd really appreciate if we can start taking this seriously.
"I have fucking paparazzi following me everywhere I go now! They're outside of the apartment right this minute even, and you know what?" I pause and motion toward the front door, "If you really want that million dollars, go ahead and sell the story to them! At least then I'd be able to avoid speaking about all of this myself."
With my final statement, I turn on the heel of my foot and clear out of the room before anyone can see the first of my tears fall. The door to my bedroom slams behind me and my back immediately falls back against it, allowing me to slide down to the floor in a heap of tears and frustration.
My head throbs as I try to choke back my sobs to no avail.
Two weeks, and my life has taken a drastic turn for the worst.
No sane person, let alone a broken and mentally disturbed person like me, could deal with half of what I have in this short period of time. So why the fuck does everyone think that I'm okay? Every time I mention Kurt or Dave another piece of my sanity breaks away, and it really makes me wonder why Kurt wanted Frances to be like me of all people.
I'm almost as fucked up as he was when he decided to take his own life in '94.
If given the chance, I'd probably jump at the opportunity to join him too.
"Damn it, damn it, damn it!" My elbow flies back into the door, but the pain is invisible. Other than the throbbing in my head, my body feels numb as I struggle to breathe air into my heavy lungs.
A soft knock can be heard through the wood, but I pay it no mind, knowing good and well that Frances is now sitting on the other side. "Rose, answer the phone."
Her statement confuses me at first, but when the bright light of my iPhone becomes visible under the door, I can't help but pull the slim device into my hands. Pressing accept on the touch screen and moving the receiver close to my ear.
"Rose, you need to breathe babe." At the sound of Taylor's husky, worried voice I can't help but let my eyes slide closed. My erratic breathing is still present as I let my head relax back against the dark strained wood. "You're stronger than your demons Rose. Stronger than your past. You are going to get thr- we are going to get through this. Do you hear me? You and I, we were a team back in '98 and we are still a team now, so do me a favor and breathe."
I had lost control of my body and its functions by now, but something inside of me was able to adhere to the drummer's request. A few strangled breaths can be heard entering and leaving my body, and after a minute or so, my breathing finally starts returning to normal.
"See," I can hear the relief in his voice, "Not too hard, right?" A cough vibrates in my chest as I let my eyes focus on the white ceiling above me, contemplating what I'm going to do now. "That's the part where you say 'Yeah Tay! You're always right! You're such a great friend and a much better drummer than Dave ever will be'."
I can't help but chuckle at his comment. "You and I both know that Grohl would kick your ass if he heard you say that."
"Yeah, right. Disco is fucking old and can't hear man." Tay continues to joke in hopes of lightening my mood even more. "He's got one foot in the fucking grave if you ask me."
My head shakes and my eyes instinctively roll at the man's comments. "I miss you T. A lot more than I thought I did if I'm being honest..."
"Rosemary," He sighs and just when I think he's going to continue, a muffled voice can be heard in the background. "Dude back off. You can't talk to her."
The line sounds fuzzy for a second, confusing me as I hear Taylor muttering curses and trying to regain control of his phone. "Tay?"
The call drops.
---
Okay, I have no idea what got into me while writing this chapter, but wow
ANGST
Also, 4000 words? What?
Who am I?
Lastly, here are a couple of shout outs! If any of you are like me, you've probably plowed through a ton of fics since going into quarantine. Here are three that I have recently found and love!
- The Record Shop by nevermind-honey
This is about a girl named Evie Kelly who works in her family's record shop in Olympia to help her father out. It takes place in late 1990 when Dave first moved in with Kurt to join Nirvana. So far, I have loved reading everything that has been published. 10/10 do recommend!
- Cigarettes and Alcohol by georgiethehorse
This is a Kurt fic and let me tell you, I DIG IT.
Elizabeth 'Effy' Waits is a seventeen year old from present day England. She and her friend John casually joke around about what they would do if they went back in time and Effy states that she would save Kurt's life. On her way out of the run down building they were in, Effys boot gets caught and she trips, hitting her head in the process. When she regains consciousness, it is March 15th, 1994. 20 days until Kurt Cobain commits suicide.
- As We Are by ThePrometheusCo
I have only just started reading this (comp work having gotten in the way), but it is written so well! The thing I love about reading fics is that every author had a different writing style, and I have been CRAVING a book that's written this way for awhile now.
The storyline begins on March 28, 1987 in Westport, WA and follows the life of musicians Maisie Lillis and Kurt Cobain. Two seemingly complicated souls who are drawn to one another at a house show.