CATFIGHT
/ˈkatfʌɪt/
INFORMAL
a fight between women.
The question of "why" often haunts the minds of those bereaved by suicide. Frank Campbell once said that people who have lost a loved one to suicide often fall into a "Canyon of Why"—an abyss that becomes impossible to climb out of because the loved one is never there to answer the question. While the world can never really know all the reasons why people die of suicide, there are some explanations that can help them fathom how individuals might find themselves in such a state of despair.
Pain, resentment, self degradation, depression, anxiety disorders , some people are just born with no fear of dying. These same people just come into the world with a temperament for risk-taking. The list could go on but the truth is none of these people could ever know how it really feels like, no amount of PhD's or any form of schooling could ever try and comprehend how it feels like being trapped in a body that never felt like yours to begin with. No one will ever get the answer to that "why" because there is a reason why they, she or he left without saying a word, they knew even if they tried to explain it wouldn't make a difference so the only way out was end it with a permanent solution not the temporary bandaids that hold us by a thread, the pills and sessions of counseling.
My family never had the balls to ask me why perhaps it was because I lived, or maybe they were too afraid to ask me or maybe they didn't want to know because the answer might be too painful for them to endure. Besides I highly doubt I would have said anything even if they had asked. The letters I had left for them had been filled with how much I loved them but I never wrote why I guess I thought that way they would have some type of closure.
Last night I couldn't sleep. I wasn't sure if it was the anger or the fact that I cried till I couldn't no more. I spent the night thinking what if no one had found me that night I tried to end this with a permanent solution. Would I be happier? Or would I be in a deep slumber for the rest of eternity, no heaven or hell just blank. The thing with being suicidal is you block out the good things and you focus all your energy on the bad things, the traumatic experiences and events I guess in a way it makes it easier to end your life because you convince yourself that there is nothing more to life for.
I sat in the bathtub from three in the morning with my knees folded up against my chest and my arms circled around them. The water had been scorching hot. I watched my skin turn red and the prickling pain I felt didn't matter as I sat there for hours till the water turned cold. When I first I attempted to kill myself it wasn't a rash decision the idea had been looming over my head for a couple of years. It was only when something happened that pushed me to the edge and that's when I knew I couldn't do this living thing anymore, to me sixteen years had been more than enough. After I came from the hospital that day I had found out all the locks on the doors and been removed, the harmful substances such as bleach had been removed from sight. The knives are under lock and key and sharp objects where thrown out. My parents had basically suicide proofed the house. The first few weeks I couldn't go so much as a second alone someone had to be with me, my sisters would come bearing board games or magazines to make it seem like they wanted to just hang out but I knew what they were doing. Even though no one formally said it, that I was too fragile to be left alone it was pretty clear that it's what they had all agreed on.
I would be lying if I said some days I felt alright I would genuinely smile at times not the fake one I had mastered over the years. And I got to really know my family better, my parents put off work for a month just to stay with me. And we would all sit on the table for dinner and breakfast, something we hadn't done in years. Slowly I gained their trust again and I would get a few minutes alone as the months went by. And when doctor Williams cleared me for school I thought maybe I had jumped the gun, maybe if I gave this life thing another shot maybe this time I might actually be happy. And for sure the last few months have been alright I made friends, my grades were up again, my sisters called me at least four times a week, I was taking my antidepressants and my anxiety medication accordingly. And although it was hard I had been keeping up with my exercising I wasn't genetically built to gorge on Doritos and skittles and be guaranteed not gain a few pounds if I didn't work out. One time I even went to a session with Dr Williams and I didn't bitch about anything cause my life for once had been perfect we talked about how Trump was going to be the end of America the whole forty five minutes instead.
But right now all the good times I had had in the past several months seemed useless as I glared at the pill box that was on my bathroom countertop. I could just walk out of this tub and chug down the whole bottle and come back into this tub again and lay under water till I feel no pain and this time whoever was to find me would come a little bit too late. The thought crossed my mind but it was cut short by the knocking sound from my door.
"Ellie are you ok in there?" Ocean asked. She didn't bother to wait for an answer before she opened the door. I didn't look at her. I faced the window instead and watched the wind softly kiss the tree leaves.
"What happened in there?" I knew she was referring to the mess I had made in my room. After I had basically bit their heads off last night they didn't follow me up here they knew it would have been a bad idea. Although lately I didn't show it I had something or a temper always had it, even when my younger sisters knew better than to cross me.
I slowly turned my head and I looked at her but I didn't say anything instead I looked back outside.
"Ellie what's going on? Come on talk to me. You can tell me anything you know, right?" I chose to ignore her.
"What happened, we are worried about you, did something happen, did someone do or say something to you? Who was in that car and why didn't they come back with you. Was it that Jacob kid you told us about?" And when I heard his name my head snapped.
"I didn't want to tell you anything yesterday and I'm still not telling you anything today. Now do you have anything important to tell me and if not please see yourself out." I didn't yell at her, my voice was calm but the tone that came with it felt different that even I didn't know I could be this cold.
Confusion and worry married her expression but one thing was certain she looked like was about to cry. I knew it wasn't because of the way I spoke to her it was how I was acting when I became emotionless and I felt nothing but pain. It broke Ocean and when I couldn't cry she would, not for herself but for me she always has always been this way. When either one of us be it Summer, or Déjà when we were hurt so was Ocean because to her our pain was her own although she has never been as tough as Déjà she did her best to make sure her little sisters were never hurt.
"I'm sorry." Was all she said. And with that I looked away.
"Ummm, I know you're going to be mad so I wanted you to hear it from me, we called Mum and Dad last night. We didn't know what to do so they are flying back. Dad is coming back from Thailand and Mum from Paris and they will be here later in the day."
If there is anything I mean anything at all that looks or feels different it needs to be taken seriously Dr Williams had said. If my personality or the way I talk or even act changes even in the slightest it was never to be neglected. After my first session with her she had asked to talk with my sisters alone and my parents too to discuss what they felt after the incident and what they should take more seriously. So when they were told to always keep an eye on me just in case something else changes they took it very seriously.
To be honest I wasn't surprised that my sisters had contacted my parents and I was sure my parents had already called dr Williams. But I was still angry because I hated when people inserted themselves in my business. With that Ocean left. I spent another fifteen minutes in the tub before I finally got out my toes and fingers where all pruned up but I didn't care. I wore a pair of black jeans and a large sweatshirt. I barely combed or dried my hair before I covered it with a hoodie. I looked at his lighter that somehow didn't get smashed onto the floor. And as I took my skin burned and I put it in the pocket of my sweatshirt.
When I got downstairs all my sisters stared at me with worried expressions on their faces. They all greeted me but I ignored them and to add on top of the crap that had been happening in my life they took away my car keys. Apparently my parents thought it was not a good idea to drive myself to school so I was stuck with Gerald, our driver who was to take me to school and straight back home with no detours.
"What are they afraid I might drive myself into a bridge?" I had asked my sisters but they just looked at each other and I took their silence as a yes. I had said it as a joke but I guess they didn't find it funny instead they took it literally. Sometimes I wished my family didn't care as much it would have made killing myself so much easier.
***
From the moment Gerald had opened the door of the Rolls Royce till now everything had been a blur. I walked from the foyer to my locker with no recollection of how I had gotten there. My eyes were glued onto the ground. I was determined not to look anyone in the eye. So far I had succeeded, everything seemed to be happening around me but there was no sound and everyone seemed to be on mute. I sat through world history, AP French throughout till biology and I hadn't heard a single word. I hadn't seen Jacob yet which was a relief but at the same time I felt nervous at some point I had to see him because I needed to return his damn lighter having it on me was weighing me down.
"Ellie. Hello earth to Eleanora Pricce." Vic said while she waved her hand in front of my face.
"Yeah?" I looked up from my quinoa salad I had barely eaten. I had been poking it with my fork for the past fifteen minutes.
"Dude are you ok? I have been calling you for like the past two minutes."
"Yeah you have been awfully quiet today." Mia co-signed.
I had been on good terms with the girls after the whole cafeteria incident and after Jacob had run off and I followed him and then he ran off again. I went back and I talked to them since Jazz had practically ratted me out which had forced me to come clean with everyone and I did but I didn't have the courage to tell them about the other kiss that happened on that day.
"I'm fine, just a slight headache." I replied with a small fake smile.
"You sure?" Jazz questioned.
"I don't buy it, she wasn't active yesterday on the iMessage group. Which is weird because she is always sending memes." Kate pointed out.
"Yeah, what's going on Ellie, are your sisters invading your space again." Jazz asked.
"Or maybe it's you know who." Mia said while looking over where the royal assholes sat but to her disappointment the very person she was trying to point out was not there.
"I said I AM FINE OK!!! Now can all please just move the fuck on." raised my voice which led the table to an uncomfortable silence. They all looked at me with confused expressions on their faces. I looked back at my bowl of food and I felt sick.
"Great now I just lost my appetite." I said before I irritably threw my fork in my bowl. I then carried the food off the table and threw it out into the bin before leaving the cafeteria. I rushed to the nearest bathroom and threw up the few spoonfuls of salad I had had. I hadn't had food for like the past forty eight hours and the one time I actually had some sort of nutrition my body rejected it.
I was tired. My body ached and my mind was exhausted. I pushed away all the people that cared for me and yet I had been wasting my energy on people who didn't. I splashed water on my face and when I looked up into the mirror I couldn't recognize myself. I had dark circles under my eyes and I looked pale. I pulled up my hoodie once again making sure it covered half my face before I left the bathroom.
Lost in my thoughts I was walking through the hallway, with my head down and not paying attention to anything to anyone Suddenly I came to a halt because a pair of hot pink Christian Louboutin stood in my way. It didn't take rocket science to figure out who it was. I already knew who it was before I slowly looked up. Her toned legs were out for show today which meant every pathetic imbecile in sight was drooling as she walked by. She had on a very short white pleated skirt that had silver chains draping from the belt buckles. She had paired it with an off shoulder white fluffy crop top even if the shoes hadn't given it away the scent would have, because my nostrils were suddenly hit by a wave of a truck load full of daisies.
Her strawberry blonde hair was tied to perfection and a pair of Dolce & Gabbana hot pink glasses laid effortlessly on top of her head. Dumb and dumber stood on both sides of her in somewhat coordinated outfits that where blue and purple but let's be honest no one could ever be as beautiful as the devil herself Brooke Bailey. It had seemed as if she said something but didn't quite get it.
"Hello, are you deaf now, did mute cripple you too?" She was referring to Jazz.
"You can't be crippled twice, I mean you already fat you want to deaf too not to mention the mess going on over there." She waved her hand over my face. "I mean pick a goddamn struggle." Instead I kept quiet and I just stared at the green-eyed monster.
"What? You think you're too good to answer me now that my brother has taken pity upon you." She waved her ponytail around and her two idiots laughed at my expense.
"Leave me alone." I said in a low tone.
"I'm sorry what was that, Eliphant. I couldn't quite get you." She snapped her fingers and Olivia aka dumber walked towards and I instantly stepped back and she forcefully yanked the hoodie off my head. People around began to nudge the person next to them so that they could enjoy my misery. My hair probably looked like a bird's nest considering I hadn't brushed and it had spent half the day in a sweaty hoodie.
"My,my ladies and gentlemen step right up to get your exclusive tickets to the one woman freak show." Brooke purposely said out loud so that everyone in the hallway could look at me. I had had it and today I wasn't up for her shenanigans.
"What do you want Brooke?" I didn't look her in the eye when I asked her that but she slowly made her way up to me and she stood only less than an inch away from me. She lowered her face towards me, then towards my ear.
"Stay the hell away from Jacob Knight." She whispered. Then as she straightens her posture and looks me dead in the eyes she said.
"You are causing way too much drama for my people, and as the queen bee I like my hive in order. Because of you Cam and Jake aren't on speaking terms which is annoying. Don't fuck with us, because people like us don't give a shit about people like you."
"Besides we don't have enough room to accommodate you or should I say a house even. Cause you know." She widened the space between her two hands indicating how big I was. Olivia and Gwen began to laugh as the tears pricked my eyes. I closed my eyes and heard Jacob's voice and the words he had said to me.
"Not once have I ever seen you stand for yourself to Brooke." I opened my eyes and I looked at the three beautiful girls that were laughing at my expense. And I just stood there looking at them.
"What are you looking at? Did you finally stuff enough Kit Kat's to catch your tongue." I balled my hands into a fist and I began to dig my nails deep into my palms.
"Or maybe you've been amazed I wouldn't be surprised if my beauty has just rendered you speechless." I dug my nails deeper as I gathered the courage to finally say something to Brooke.
"The only thing surprising is that the word render is in your vocabulary." And soon as I said that I began to panic I could see it on her face. She hadn't seen my clap back coming because her smirk fell right off it. What the fuck have you done.? I had just unleashed hell upon myself. I looked back at her pissed expression. But something in me had been snapped because my mouth was functioning way before my brain could process the words coming out of it.
"Now if you don't have anything useful to say to me get the hell out of my way Brooke." I walked towards them and I purposely bumped my shoulder into Olivia as I passed her. But my glory was short lived because next thing I knew my right leg was hooked onto something and I fell face flat onto the ground. My chin was the first thing to come in contact with the floor. And a ringing sound that came with impact was unbearable but as it wore off seconds later what replaced was even worse. Everyone I mean everyone was laughing at me and all the memories I had tried to bury deep came back crushing on me.
The time I was videotaped in the bathroom with nothing but a towel that could barely cover my body I was forced to drink gutter water and if not the towel was to be pulled of and the whole football team was to be shown how "disgusting and vile" Eliphant's body was. And the other time I forced to chug down two cartons of milk rotten milk in-front the cafeteria and when I threw up they made fun of me afterwards I got food poisoning and I didn't attend school for a week. All the cruel jokes or pranks, the videos made and the pictures edited with my body sent to everyone including myself. I made onto the schools website and the fattest kid to ever learn at Garfield Prep.
And when all those memories came crumbling down only one face was popping up. How can someone be so evil? I knew she had intentionally tripped me and she was expecting me to cry and run off while people continued to videotape me. But she had another thing coming. Because before I knew it I pulled myself up and I balled my fist together and I reached out. I went to punch her in the face my first landed right onto her perfectly symmetrical jawline, the force of my punch made her glasses fall off and slid onto the ground somewhere. The area began to turn red and someone yelled "shit."
That was the breaking point of my patience. At that moment, I was blinded by a five-course serving of rage that tasted bitter, yet surprisingly satisfying.
"Fuck!!" She hissed as she slowly placed her perfectly manicured hand over her cheek. When my fist came in contact she faced the opposite direction wailing in pain, as I tried to shake the aching after taste, upon the taste buds of my hand. Much like coffee, its bitterness drew me in to take another sip knowing I would be more awake than minutes before. There were a few gasps but after that everyone fell silent. There was a momentary flare of anger in her eyes but her face was unreadable, no fear, no invitational smirk just a stone cold expression.
No one had ever so much as told her to piss off yet I had punched her. Everyone was in shock and no one dared to utter a word instead they awaited for the stupidity of my actions to unfold. To be honest I don't even know what hell just happened. My brain was still trying to process it all.
She raised her hand and it and landed straight onto my cheek a sudden gush of pain jolted throughout my face.
And when I looked back at her boy was I ready to smack a bitch.
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