I sat quietly in my house, wearing one of Darius' jackets that was too loose on me. But I didn't care, I didn't care about anything anymore - except Aurelie. My tears streamed down my face in phases. It was evident that this phase was a little early.
I wasn't prepared as I tried wiping them away, but they continued falling. Aurelie was asleep in her crib Oscar brought for me...even putting her to sleep was hard. Because she searches for something...someone and she looks at me as if I've done something wrong. It destroys me.
It has only been a week since Darius...was murdered, and I can't cope. I can't get the sight of his death out of my mind. It replays constantly and mocks me. Mocks me that I could've prevented this. All I think of is the 'what ifs'.
Just needed to turn him into a vampire. He begged, but I was a coward. I didn't trust myself, yet Darius trusted me with all his heart. His trust should've been enough...I'm such a fool - a coward.
It's like what he said on the day I tried to cut all contact with him...
I looked down at my lap, feeling my lips tremble when Darius stood before me. Except I felt him grab my hand and pull me up with him. Though I avoided looking at his face, but he tipped up my chin against such a thing. When I saw him grin down at me so lovingly, my eyes watered even more.
Because suddenly I found my heart beating faster than it ever has. This feeling of...love grew within my chest and it frightened me.
"Achille I will tell you straight up...you are a coward." Darius murmurs to me, and I flinched at such a blow. "But I know you've lost the ones you love most. It hurts...I know, I've lost the only person in my life - and he helped me become alive! Despite that don't...don't let your past push us apart. Don't decide to separate us on your own accord all by yourself, please."
I found my breathing become heavier because I knew what I was feeling for him at this moment. Nothing could persuade me otherwise.
Some tears finally left my eyes, but they weren't tears of sadness - they were tears of realization. That I love this human being.
I cover my face with my hands, shaking uncontrollably at this point. I couldn't control how fast my tears would flow or how much I'd tremble. This was all too much. The only reason why I don't insist on death is because of Aurelie.
She needs me. I need her.
But the way she looks at me...I know she notices that Darius is missing. She cries much more and she barely sleeps. The only reason why she's sleeping now is because she tired herself out from screaming so much.
I try catching my breath as I stand up, only to sit back down on the bed. My senses override with pain and misery. I'm a horrible person for not listening to Darius. Why didn't I just do it?! Just one simple task...that I couldn't do because I'm an idiot.
I begin to hear the doorbell go off, and I look at Aurelie quickly to see if she woke up. Her eyes wide open as she looked at me and I saw the expression of pain.
"Why do you look at me this way?" I whimper, walking towards her. When I pick her up she starts to whine and I knew she was probably...upset with me.
I go downstairs and open the front door, seeing Oscar glaring at me. Immediately I roll my eyes as I try closing the door, only for him to stop it.
"You need to leave the house-."
"Why do you keep bothering me!" I yell at him, and he snickers at me. "If you care about me so much, than leave me be-."
"Oh I don't care about you Achille." Oscar spat in my face, and I snort. "I am doing this for Darius and his daughter. He would not want you sitting in this place - depressed. Aurelie deserves to see light, breathe fresh air! Not be confined by walls and your depressing behavior."
I glare at him, knowing that this was a repetitive pattern. Oscar comes here, bashing me for how I'm behaving. As if I shouldn't be mourning about Darius. Then he says he's doing this for him and that's why he hasn't walked away from me, because he'd know I'd fail.
I would much rather be alone than have someone around who's around for Darius' sake. I never liked Oscar to begin with, especially since I know he liked him.
"Cut the crap. You're doing this because you were in love with Darius." I sneer, and Oscar nods without shame.
"I was. At least your smart enough to know these things; but, he loved you - I was no match." He looked at Aurelie who was only getting louder, rolling his eyes. "Obviously you have failed your daughter."
I flinch, and I found my free hand shoving Oscar in his chest. Seeing him gasp for air as he collapsed to his knees and I turned away quickly. Before I could close the door he stopped it again, staring up at me with a deadly stare.
"Looks like you got your uncontrollable strength back." He mocks, and I look away.
"Don't remind me." I snap at him. "I have not failed my daughter. You don't know anything-."
"Just look at you and look at her! She looks so sad...it's almost startling that a baby could hold such an expression. You have not been mature about this-."
"I have been as mature as I could possibly be! I cry when she's sleeping, I take care of her as best as I can without bursting into tears. How am I supposed to be happy when I lost the one person who made me feel human again?! You don't know anything! The fact that you said that to me makes me sick." I shout at him, my hands trembling as I held Aurelie.
Oscar just kept glaring at me, and I kept glaring at him. I truly don't like him and I know he doesn't like me.
"Let me confess something to you, since it's obvious Darius had faith in you - for nothing!" He yelled, and I staggered back as I felt my heart tighten. "Darius went to Sabin and I maybe...four months ago. He was going to be turned into a vampire by Sabin because I was able to convince him to do it - without killing him. But guess what, he insisted that Sabin not turn him so suddenly. He said if anyone was to turn him, it'd be you...but I guess his trust in you was useless - since you let him die right before you.
"I should've come with you. Because at least I could've saved him and Aurelie would have her father. Sabin said this would happen, that you'd lead to his end-."
"Sabin killed him! Not me! I brought no one to his end - how dare you say that to me?!" I shriek at him, and he began to back away. "Don't ever come back to my house, ever!"
I shove Oscar again and that time he almost collapsed to the ground, but he caught himself. I slammed my door so hard that the house trembled, but my body was trembling just as much.
Darius really put himself in a position like that? To making himself a vampire for me? But he stopped because he believed I would change him, that I should be the one doing it?
"Why did you have so much trust in me?!" I cry, and I lay Aurelie on her elephant pillow.
I laid my head on the ground, crying harder than I have cried all day. It didn't help that I began to hear Aurelie crying. My frustrations building up as I shook my head, shoving my fingers into my hair.
When I saw her all I wanted to do was hug her, keep her from crying. Kiss her and tell her everything was alright. Except I knew I'd be lying and she portrayed exactly how I feel.
Because I needed him.
This is like the day I thought he went to the store, but he really came from almost being bit. I was nervous...worried...afraid for his safety. I just wanted him to be near me. He relaxed me, calmed me, loved me.
When he came back home safely, I was the happiest ever. Except I realized the truth to me wanting him near me so much...
"Well, I'm sorry for worrying you... You don't have to worry about such a thing ever again." Darius says to me, and I bite my lip. Hoping that was the case.
Because I needed him.
More than he thought I did and more than even I thought I did.
And it frightened me.
He promised me that I would never have to worry again...yet he worried me to death. Bringing him his death and does he realize that he lied to me?
He lied to me about going to Sabin's...lies to me about how he'll never worry me... He lied to me about loving me - if he loved me he - he wouldn't have done this to me. Wouldn't have put himself in harms way for my sake.
But he insists he did it because he loves me. If he loved me enough he wouldn't have... What am I thinking? I'm practically losing my mind.
Aurelie suddenly shrieks the loudest she ever has before, and I snap out of my panic attack. I look up to see her red-faced and I felt bad instantly.
Picking her up, I try rocking her only for her to continue crying. Her screams not lowering on bit and it made me want to cry again.
"Achillle open the door now!" Oscar shouts, and I become annoyed.
"What?! Didn't I tell you to-."
"It doesn't matter! I apologize for my harsh words, but we need to be there for one another as friends. You and I...have more in common than you think. Sabin hurt us both, and now we are suffering. I loved Darius too! You don't think I don't sympathize with you?!" He yells to me, and I tried to control myself again as I heard him sniff. "We need to make it through together, as brothers. I truly care about Aurelie and don't want her to see her mother like this. We can...cry together. Be there for one another as brothers - that's what Darius would want...right?"
I rush to the door, opening it as I saw Oscar on my doorstep. He was crying too and I started to feel bad - a little.
That's when I sit beside him on the doorstep, and I just listen to him cry now. I was numb at this point as no more tears would fall. I just rocked Aurelie in my arms to calm her down.
At this point I was too numb to even force tears. I understood where Oscar was coming from, but he'd never feel how I feel. It was different for me.
I actually was there with him, and experienced Darius on a daily basis. He made me feel human, was the first ever to kiss me, first one to have sex with me, gave me the honor to have Aurelie... Then for me to see the one person I considered my world to be murdered in such a way like my father...
It's not the same. Oscar will never feel what I feel - and he doesn't realize it.
"How did you fall in love with Darius?" I ask him quietly, and I see him look at me. But I continue to face forward, emotionless.
"When he offered me a hug and made me feel like I shouldn't be suppressed by Sabin. For the longest time I thought what we had was love...but Darius made me realize that the relationship I was in was toxic, manipulative, and wrong. He made me want to change. That's how I fell in love with him." Oscar confesses tearfully, chuckling. "You seem less pissed at me-."
"If you are going to be my brother, don't curse around Aurelie." I interrupt, and I saw Oscar grin at me. I stood up, Oscar standing with me. "I used to have a brother and a sister...who would've thought I'd get another one."
We walk into the house as I look down, realizing that Aurelie was finally sleeping peacefully. Which I was thankful for...
"I have never had siblings, but I know they always have one another's backs...right?" He inquires, making me nod. "Yeah...do you mind if I move in with you?"
I frown at him, and I wonder where this is coming from.
"Why?"
"I used to live with Sabin. I...I don't want to go back. I have been living at the bakery I work at, in the back room. But...there's only so many times I can keep sleeping there without some human noticing." Oscar groaned in irritation, beginning to smile. "Do me this brotherly favor?"
I roll my eyes, wondering if this was his real motive. Most likely was...but I don't care at this point.
"Sure. There's a guest room upstairs, but no one has ever slept in it..."
"Not even Darius? When you guys first met?" He questioned, and I narrow my eyes at him. "I will...take that as a no."
"He has his own place. He just chose to live with me...I don't know what happened to his apartment. I...I think he still has it." I suddenly felt excitement as I rushed up the stairs.
I set Aurelie on her pillow, going to Darius' drawer on his side of the bed. When I began to go through it I saw that he didn't really have a lot of things. There were his car keys, but that told me nothing.
Sighing, I pull the second drawer and smile at a pair of keys just lying by themselves. I pick them up and knew these were it.
"Aurelie we are going to go to...daddy's old apartment." I murmur to her as I pick her up again, letting her sleep as I go downstairs.
I see Oscar wiping his face and it let me know he was crying.
"I have the keys, and I want to go to Darius' apartment." I tell him, and Oscar's eyes widen.
"I...I don't think that's a good idea..." Oscar says to me, and I look away from him.
"How so?"
"Darius was...murdered a week ago. If you keep flooding your senses with him...won't that make you feel worse?" He asks me, and I shrug.
"I don't know...I can't really feel anything right now... We will just have to see...huh?" I chuckle, but it didn't really reach my heart. Oscar just looked at me with concern - too much concern.
"You say that now...but the pain is still too raw. What about giving it a year?" Oscar questions me, and I take in a hitched breath. "If you rush into it...you may get into that funk again."
I look away from him as he insisted to follow his advise. I can do whatever I want...but he has a point. For me I know that I'm still saddened, I'm just numb as of right now of the tears.
My eyes close, and all I could imagine was Darius hugging me. His arms wrapping around my waist, pulling me towards him gently. Just for him to chuckle in my ear and I bit my lip.
I love you Achille.
I flinch when I could perfectly imagine his voice in my head, and it made me miss him even more...
"Achille whatever you are thinking about, stop it. Don't cry." Oscar warned, and I took a deep breath.
"I am not done mourning...I don't think I have ever gotten the chance to mourn. Don't tell me when to not cry." I snap only for Oscar to shrug.
"If you say so. I'm going to get my stuff that I was able to salvage." Oscar tells me, and that's when I see he's gone. A sigh of relief leaving my chest as I had to wipe my eyes.
Shaking my head, I took a deep breath again. I needed to calm down before I had another panic attack or an anxiety attack. At this point...all I could live for was my daughter.
Nobody else...
To imagine Darius not with me though...made me nauseous. It still didn't truly hit me. I can't really mourn because I need to take care of Aurelie. There's no time for moping and crying. I try to do that when she's sleep, but she somehow wakes up when my crying gets too excessive.
There's only so much I can take, but I refuse for Aurelie to see me broken... I can't let her see me as the sad man who takes care of her because I gave birth to her. I love her too much for her to suffer with me.
I want to only bring her good memories...
Even if I'm dying on the inside, on the outside I want her to see me as the one who always has the smile on their face. Who will bring her happiness and let her cry on my shoulder. I can't be the one crying on hers...
I promise to be the best I can be for her... For her and for Darius.
_______________🤧
Deep. 😭
Hope you didn't think it was over. 👀
It was never over. 🤫
If you have followed the hints...you'd know that it was never really over. 👀🤔
But...yes. I can't say anything else. ☹️
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