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Chapter 25
Progress or Powerless??
I arrived home two days ago, and I've been finding it really hard.
Breast feeding, sleep, my tightly wound nerves and my emotional breakdowns every 5 minutes!
Dean is off at the office, and Holden is working from home; he has his Beta and a few others here for a meeting so I'm left to myself with Declan and Deacon.
They're screaming!
I've tried everything; feeding, changing, burping.. Comfort, movement, singing, sleep.. I've tried everything.
I'm tightly wound and losing my grip.
I put the twins down in their Moses baskets in the living room, and sit down on the ball, my knees up to my chest, my head on my knees and I break down again.
Loud sobs wrack my chest as I realise I can't cope.
I can't do this!
My boys deserve better!
I'm a useless pathetic excuse for a mother.
I wasn't even conscious for their first few days of life! If I couldn't do that, how can I be a good mum?
I can't do this!
I'm all alone inside my head.
Not even my wolf is helping right now.
Not a word of support or encouragement.
I can't understand my thoughts, my emotions or my scrambled brain.
"I can't do this." I whimper to myself.
I block out the sound of the twins screaming. I just hide inside my head.
"Lizzie! What the hell are you doing?" Holden shouts.
I jump, startled and look up at him, my tear stained face showing.
He picked up both of the twins and sits down on the sofa, "come on baby. Come here." He murmurs.
I shake my head and continue to sob, "I can't do this Holden. I'm a failure. They deserve better." My voice sounds shaky.
"No no no!" Holden gasps, "you're not a failure! You're just finding your feet."
As soon as the twins have calmed down, Holden places them gently back in the baskets before coming over to me.
He sits beside me and wraps an arm tightly around me, pulling me closer to his warm comforting body.
"I don't know what to do." I whisper, "I feel so weak.."
My heart constricts at the idea of being left alone with the boys.. I'm not capable of caring for them. I can't even handle them crying.
"Lizzie Lizzie baby.. I think we should get the doc round. I'm worried about you."
I shake my head and refuse to admit anything, "I'm fine!"
Yanking myself away from him, I rush off upstairs to barracked myself in the bathroom.
The door locked, the shower on to mask the noise of anybody and I just sit in the bath tub huddled into myself.
I can't handle anything or anyone.
I fall asleep in the tub with tears running down my cheeks.
~*~
"GET OUT OF THIS BATHROOM RIGHT NOW LIZZIE!" Dean roars, startling me out of my snooze.
I cower in the bath, sliding down out of sight.
"LIZZIE! DO AS YOU ARE TOLD! UNLOCK THE FUCKING DOOR. OR I'LL BREAK IT DOWN!"
I force myself up and out of the bath, and with shaky hands, unlock the door.
As I step back, Dean swings the door open; his eyes blazing- not with anger but.. Worry? Fear? Concern?
In a fierce swoop, I'm in Dean's arms, my head buried in his chest.
"Baby.. I was so worried about you. What the hell is going on with you? Holden thinks you've got post natal depression Lizzie.." He rambles.
I finally break down, sobbing hard, my tears soaking his work shirt.
My knees buckle and I slide to the floor, my hands on Dean's legs, gripping tightly.
"Oh baby.." Dean kneels down and holds me, cradling me against his chest, "will you please see a doctor? Please? We need you. Your babies need you."
I let the tears steam and I nod, "ok."
~*~
Sitting at the pack medical centre, I feel ashamed, I feel like a loser..
Dean and Holden are by my side, supporting me through this the best he could.
"It's gonna be ok." Holden squeezes my hand comfortingly.
I give a weak smile and nod.
In my head in worrying about this appointment; will the doctor judge me? Will the pack judge me?
Will they take the boys off of me?
What will they say? What will they do?
I know I need to do this for my sons, for my mates but it's scary..
It's admitting there is a problem.
Can I admit it?
"Will you come in with me?" I ask Dean and Holden, "I don't think I can do this alone."
They both smile and nod.
"Thank you." I whisper with gratitude.
"Miss Knight." A voice calls out.
I guess this is it!
We all stand and the men bring the babies in their carseats and follow me in.
~*~
"What can I do for you today?" Dr Jules asks with a smile.
I swallow hard, and try to form the words, "I err. Urm I think I have a problem.. I em think. I think I might have post natal depression."
Dr Jules smiles supportively, "ok. Lets determine what's going on..
Are you emotional?"
I nod.
"Are you feeling resentment towards the boys?"
I shake my head, "I don't resent them. I resent my incapability.. I feel like a failure. I can't take care of them.. I just end up blocking out their cries."
Dr Jules nods, "do you feel as though you're a risk to them?"
I sigh, "sometimes yeah. I've never done anything to put them at risk, but I feel as though my incapability to handle them is making me lose sight of what I'm doing. I feel as though I am the risk."
Dr Jules smiles, "ok, can you do a quick quiz for me? Let me print it out."
I watch and wait for a piece of paper to slide through the printer and she passes it to me with a pen.
I look down at the questions.
Do you feel happy? With three options: all the time. Some of the time. None of the time.
I circle none of the time.
Do you cry: all of the time. Some of the time. None of the time.
I circle all of the time.
This is how it continues.. I realise how low I actually feel just by answering the questions.
I was blind to my depression because of how bad I was feeling.
I finish and hand it back.
"How did it feel answering the questions?" Dr Jules asks.
"It made me realise how I was feeling. I didn't ever click to my problems but Dean and Holden saw it in me. It helped me understand there is a problem, and I shouldn't be feeling this way."
"That's what I wanted. I needed you to see it for what it was before I diagnosed you.
Once you admit the problem, we have a chance of helping you.
Do you want my help Lizzie?"
I look at Dean, then Holden and look down at the sleeping boys in the carseats.
"Yes. I want help." I whisper.
"Fantastic." Dr Jules claps, and stands from her chair.
After taking my blood pressure, checking my weight and doing a quick blood test, I am prescribed antidepressants to help with my feelings, and I am referred for counselling.
I will deal with my problem, and I will fight to be a good mother and mate.
The first step is always the hardest right?
I was powerless but I will ensure I push myself through this problem, and progress into the mother I want to be. The mother these boys deserve.
"Thank you doctor." I smile as we leave, feeling a little more positive about fighting this.
I KNOW IT'S A SHORT CHAPTER.. NEXT ONE IS LONGER I PROMISE!! :)