I tried to fight back a tear but it dripped down my cheek before he'd even said anything.
I could tell he'd been crying too.
Our eyes stare into each other, neither of us know what do to next. My heart is racing and shattering at once.
"Hi." Harry said quietly standing at the door.
I sat up. I didn't know what to do or say. I didn't expect to see him. I was shocked.
My heart felt even more broken seeing him and his red eyes sore from crying just like mine.
"Hi." I finally said back.
We sat in awkward silence for a minute both with tears in our eyes. Harry still standing in the doorway.
"I'm sorry." I finally said. He came over and sat on the edge of the bed.
"You were just gone." He paused. You could hear the sadness and heartbreak in his voice. "With only a note? You just want to end it, everything with no explanation? You're just giving up?"
"It's supposed to be easier this way." I looked around the room avoiding eye contact with him.
"Easier than what? Look at us." He motioned between us.
"Harry it won't work we will be half a world away from each other." I began to list every reason I am right.
"And you're just going to give up without even trying?" His voice is quiet as he speaks full of sadness.
"Try for what? For us to fall in love even more and then for it to just end anyway? You'll forget about me faster and be able to go back to your amazing life without me in your way."
"Who says it will end? I've never felt this way about anyone, I meant that when I told you. I know you meant it too. I will fight everything for you. I will never forget about you, you mean everything and more to me. My life wouldn't be amazing without you in it."
I stared at the ceiling to try and slow down my tears. Harry put his hand on my leg and rubbed it in comfort.
I moved closer to him and he pulled me into a hug with my face buried in his chest.
"Harry, I don't deserve you go be with some-" I cried into his chest.
"Don't finish that sentence. I don't want to be with anyone but you. And never think otherwise." He brushed his fingers through my hair and kissed the top of my head holding me close to him.
"Harry it's not going to work." I mumbled into his shirt.
"Ro, we will figure it out. I'm not letting you push me away. I know that's what you do when you have something good, not this time. I love you okay?"
"I love you too but what about-" I looked up to him, he has so much hope in his eyes and I don't get how.
"We will figure it out, I promise."
"Can I just say this?"
"Sure."
"Okay say I come back to college and we try to make it all work and we break up. Then what? We will just be more heart broken."
"Then at least we tried."
"What if I took a year off of school and stayed on tour and then we break up and then I have nothing."
"I would never leave you with nothing but what if things do work and we end up happy?"
"I don't know."
"Then why are you so quick to give up on us?"
"Because you deserve better."
"Better than you? Rowan you make me the happiest I've ever been. This summer and tour would have been nothing without you there. Being with you makes me feel ways I never have before."
What he was saying was exactly how I felt about him I just didn't know he felt the same. Not that I didn't know he loved me I guess I just don't think I'm worthy of his love.
"You're so amazing and it hurts me that you don't see how great you really are."
By now there was no way to stop the tears from falling. Harry pulled me back close to him again with my head in his chest.
"Whoever made you feel like you don't deserve everything and more," He ended his sentence there. He held me close and comforted me. My tears were wetting his shirt.
"Harry." I looked up at him after relaxing a little. He kissed the top of my head. "You're too good."
"No Rowan, you're too good."
I laughed through the tears at his cheesy response like I always do.
"Thank you." I said.
We laid back in my bed, my head rested on his chest while he ran his fingers through my hair. We laid like that for a while. I felt bad because I could tell he was nervous not knowing exactly how I felt. But I was going through every possible scenario in my head of the best way for this to work.
"I want to make this work." I said breaking the silence. I could feel Harry's smile on my head as I stayed looking at the wall in front of my bed.
"I'm sorry it took all this to make me realize it but I just don't deserve you."
"Please get those thoughts out of your beautiful head." He said kissing me head over and over. "It hurts me that someone made you feel like you don't deserve to be loved but I'm not him and I care about you more than you can imagine okay?"
"Harry, I know you're not like any of them you're incredible and make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world. But-" I cut myself off afraid to open up again.
"But what Ro, you can talk to me."
I stayed quite scared to open up. I'm not an open person. I keep my feelings to myself because it's easier. I don't want to put all my problems on other people.
"Rowan, talk to me please. You can't hide your feelings from me."
I do need to be more open with him about my feelings. If I was none of this probably would have happened but it's scary and no guy has every cared enough to even ask.
"No guy has cared about me like you do and I love you for it but it scares me. I'm so scared to lose you." I rushed out before letting more tears fall.
Harry held me tight and rubbed his finger on my back. "I'm not going anywhere." He reassured me.
We stayed like that for a few minutes before Harry encouraged me to continue and open up. "I just I don't know like you'll be all around the world and I don't want to hold you back or waste your time."
"Please stop saying that. I knew from the first night we met I was going to fall in love with you and I would never want to lose you. You're special Ro. You don't know how beautiful you are inside and out and I'm not letting you go so easily."
"Har-"
"No I'm serious. You're perfect in every way and I want to be with only you."
"I want to be with you too."
"Then that's all that should matter right?"
"Yeah."
He was right. We make each other happy whatever else we should be able to get through together. I didn't want it to be complicated and I didn't want all these negative thoughts. I don't want him to think I doubt him. I guess I doubt myself being good enough which isn't fair to him.
"I'm sorry to put you through all of this. I just over thought everything and thought it would be easier. I was wrong."
"You were very wrong. You think I'd let you get away that easily?" He joked lightening the mood.
"Thank you Harry, for everything. Please know it was nothing you did and I never doubted you or stopped loving you. I love you more than I thought was possible and I will do everything to show you that and make it up to."
"You will? We're good?" He said with the cutest smile.
"You forgive me?" We both had the same surprised, hopeful look on our faces.
"Of course." His arms wrapped around my waist and squeezed me tighter and leaned in for a kiss. Boy did I miss that. I smiled through the kiss.
"It'll all be alright baby. I'll facetime you every night and buy you plane tickets every break you have to come visit on tour." I could hear the excitement in his voice. "We'll make it work my love."
"We'll make it work." I repeated.
We laid there enjoying each other presence again and thinking about how things will be.
"You have to promise to always tell me how you feel, good and bad." Harry moved his thumb over mine.
"I will, I promise. I'm going to work on being more open." He smiled and kissed me.
"And you have to promise write a happy song about me." I joked.
"You heard that?" He said with slight disappointment in his voice.
"Part of it." I sighed.
"I didn't mean it in a bad way at all but it was how I was feeling and the selfish part of me wanted you to know how much you hurt me and I'm sorry."
"Harry, I was joking and you have nothing to be sorry about. I am the one that is beyond sorry for trying to push away. And I will never be able to make it up to you."
"You already did." He said kissing me. "Now enough sad shit, let's be happy."
"Gladly." I said kissing him again.
"Ya know I've already written tons of songs about you."
"Really?" I smiled.
"Uh yeah you see me write all the time." He wrinkled his face like it was obvious.
"Yeah but I didn't know they were about me."
"Who'd you think I was writing about Mitch?"
"Yes actually." I joked. "Now I'm going to start reading them." It felt good to laugh together again.
"Not till they're done. You'll be the first to hear them, I promise."
"I better be." We laughed together. Seeing his smile made my heart so happy.
"I have a flight at 8 tonight, you coming?"
"Of course." I said with a big smile.
"Well until then why don't you show me around."
"Let me shower and get ready. I haven't left my bed since I got home. I look and smell awful."
"You look beautiful to me."
"Whatever." I threw the pillow at him.
"You won't even need that college degree you will just be a super model."
"Shut up." I whacked him again with the pillow.
"No, you're flawless. Plus people that I've worked with have already messaged me about you modeling for them."
"Shut up." I repeated.
"I'm not kidding."
"You really think I could be a model?"
"Yeah and so do a lot of other people."
"That's always sort of been a crazy dream of mine. I always thought it'd be so cool. I love fashion."