I was dreading this terribly.
Today we were having a 'table read' where the whole cast and the Russo Brothers sit down around a huge squared table to read the entire script. It was a way for anyone to ask questions or add parts in if needed. One question on my mind, which I am sure is on a lot of minds, is the ending. It is so vague about what happens to us after the snap. None of us even know.
This type of thing happens on every movie and tv show I been on.
Easy Day
Yet this is the first time I actually have to be in the same room with Sebastian and I can't hide ether.
Dread is all I feel.
I hate myself for missing him.
I hate what he did to me.
I hate that I still love him.
I hate that I am struggling to let go.
I hate that I have to work with him.
I hate that he broke me.
I hate that I am done with him.
I hate that I don't know how I will react to seeing him.
"Ready to go, Keels?" Chris asked me walking out of his bathroom.
I was in his trailer with him.
"Still have to even if I am not" I sighed, getting off the very comfortable brown couch.
"You'll be fine you are with Chris" came Khloe's voice, Chris was on FaceTime with her.
I looked at the screen "Oh hey" she was wearing a neck brace.
"Your character has a broken neck?" I had to ask, she was doing some show called Scream Queens.
She laughed "Yeah, its itchy, weird, but I'll get used to it"
"Khloe" someone called from her side
Khloe looked at the person before looking back at us "Have to go, You got this Keels."
I slightly smiled
"I love you, Babe" Chris happily told her, missing her like crazy
"I love you too, Chris" blowing him a kiss.
I was so happy for these two; enjoying their marriage, trying to start a family, and just being so in love. If you were to be with them under five minutes you would be able to tell that they are soulmates. Their love was something to witness. Yet I was sad because after all these years, I finally was able to have what they have and BAM I lost it soon after. Okay I broke it off, but I had every right to. I got out of a hurtful situation.
Chris reached out his hand for us to intertwine our hands together. "Lost in thought?" I heard Chris say noticing my mind someplace else.
"Huh?" I got brought back to reality "Sorry, yeah just thinking about how much I love you and Khloe together"
I could see the smile forming on his lips "I love us together too"
"I'd hope you do"
"You'll have what we have," He tried to promise me "you did"
"Yeah......" I trailed off hating all this "You won't leave me right?"
"Why would I do that?" He asked me with confusion in his voice
"I don't know" I know he wouldn't I was only asking
"You need me. I am here for you, you know that" Chris reminded me.
"I know"
Getting to the door that lead into the meet room I took a deep breath in and out that was quite loud.
Chris stopped us to tell me "Don't go looking for him. We'll get to a seat, stay focused, talk to me, and wait to read"
I nodded thinking that was a good plan.
Chris took the lead, opening the door into the big white walled room that was filled with people chatting, but something caught my attention "Bagels!" I announced seeing a table against a wall full of mant different bagels, cream cheese, and butter.
That made this situation so much better.
Chris expects this kind of thing from me "Bagels sound good!"
"Right let's go!" Dragging hin to the table full of food.
"That's one way to get your mind off things"
Getting to the table, I let go of his hand due to having smearing bagels be a two hand job. I grabbed myself two already cut up bagels to spread Veggie cream cheese on them.
"Why won't you just take the entire plate of bagels for yourself, fatass" Anthony commented, jokingly.
I loved to eat. It was better than being anorexic. I tried that once years ago. It lasted about four hours and then I ate cake.
I took a glance at Mackie's place to find that he had two bagels as well with globs of cream cheese on them "You should talk"
"I'm hungry" He argued
And I wasn't? "So am I!"
I spun around to go get a seat for me and Chris, who was still working on his bagel, when I hit into someone who was solid strong. Luckily I didnt knock ether of our plates over.
"I am so sorry" I politely apologized to whoever it was.
My eyes scanned their way up to find the one person I was trying to avoid seeing in person
Sebastian.
It felt as if time stopped. We locked eyes matching each others facial expressions as we froze in our spots not noticing our surroundings except for each other.
Seeing Sebastian after weeks so many emotions flowed through my entire body; sadness, hurt, anger, happiness, love, lust, hope, regret - all at once for so many different reasons.
I missed Sebastian. I was so in love with him it always felt like I was on cloud nine being in his presence.
I wanted him to be a part of my life for the rest of my life.
He hurt me by sleeping with his ex to a point I felt broken, ruining all the happiness I felt with him. I wanted to trust him, but I can't. It will happen again, it always happens again in my experience.
Why did this have to happen?
I could tell Sebastian was feeling the same mix of emotions.
I didn't know what to say to him not that I wanted to say anything.
I could feel water starting to form in my eyes wanting go escape.
"Its okay, Keels" He spoke softly in his oh so soothing voice.
It hurt too much
Instead of standing there, I looked to my savior who was standing there looking between us two.
When Chris's eyes landed on me. I sent him a knowing look before hurrying off to quickly place the plate on the table in the corner and out of the room I went, heading right for the girls bathroom.
I had no intention on hiding and trying to get out of this. What I needed was to wash my face to look like I'm not a crying mess. I didn't need the attention or anyone worrying about me.
I went right for the sink turning on both knobs to let warm water flow out. I placed my hands on the cold sink for a moment before running my hands under the liquid to splash it onto my face washing the tears away. "Keep it together, woman" I spoke to myself glancing up into the mirror. I didnt like the reflection looking back at me. There wasn't a happy girl looking back at me. It was a sad one with red swollen eyes.
"Keels?"
Someone made their way into the bathroom
I turned my head to see that it was a concerned Lizzy.
I sent her a barely visible smile.
"Chris sent me to check on you" Being that it was a girls bathroom, he couldnt come in here
"I think I am okay I just need a minute"
"What happened?" She didnt actually see what happened between us many people didnt just a handle of them maybe.
"I saw Sebastian and out of nowhere a flood of tears just came out" I felt another tear escaping, just thinking about it.
She nodded, understanding "Take all the time you need"
"I can't believe I even started crying, ugh" I threw my head back groaning before wiping my face with the sleeves of Chris's hoodie I was wearing.
Lizzy walked closer fo me "You're upset it's okay to cry it out. Sebastian actually wanted to come after you but Anthony told him that would be a bad idea"
"Yeah" I had to agree with that "that would've been. This is going to be tougher than I though" I didn't know what to except, but I was hoping that I wouldnt cry.
"You got us girls!" Lizzy tried "Who needs Sebastian?"
I nodded.
I do but I don't at the same time - I kept that to myself "Yeah okay, I think I'm good now"
"Dont look at him sit next to Chris and eat"
"Sit in the other side of me?" I don't know where Sebastian is sitting if he took his seat yet, but it would be nice to have her sit next to me too.
"Yeah, of course" she smiled as we made our way back onto the room. People were settling down into seats and eating before getting started.
I listened to my friend's advise and found Chris sitting at a seat eating his bagels next to an empty seat that had my two bagels waiting to be eaten.
I hurried over to him as Lizzy followed behind me to take the seat next to me.
Sebastian was in the room somewhere with his eyes on me and I knew I had to ignore it.
When I plopped down onto my seat. I felt Chris's arm wrap itself around me, bringing me in close to him knowing I could use the comfort. "You good?"
His comfort felt nice "I am and I am suprised nobody ate my bagels"
"Mackie wanted to"
"Typical Mackie" Taking a bite of my food, waiting to read through what we will be working on.