His face now is in my neck, barely brushing the skin with his nose and I think I’m trembling, even if I’m far from being cold. I don’t know what to do with my limbs or my hands, I only move because he guides me and if I look around I can notice the other people are dancing at a different beat, not like us.
I wonder if Zeke can feel my heart beating as strongly as I do. Isn’t he freaked out? Am I the only one feeling this agitated?
And then the song changes and it’s definitely more upbeat so I pull away, trying to catch my breath but I don’t exactly escape him, his hands still rest on my waist and he is looking at me with a smile that is kind and soothing, a smile that is willing me to relax.
I close my eyes for a few seconds and take deep breaths, by when I open them again his smile is wider and he takes one of my hands to make me swirl twice before we start dancing again, this time at the beat of the song—kind of. We don’t have the ability to dance, we are rather awkward and stiff, but I think that makes it more fun. We end up colliding many times, bumping into each other, stepping on each other’s toes and just failing. And instead of feeling mortifying, we both laugh and that attracts people’s attention, I notice them watching us even if Zeke is ninety per cent of my focus of attention.
The awkwardness of that embrace is gone by the fifth song and because I have no stamina and I’ve never done this before, when we finish dancing the seventh song I ask Zeke to take a break.
“Want something to drink?” he asks, leaning closer to my ear so I can hear him above the noise.
I nod and give him a thumb-up so he puts his hand on the small of my back and guides me back to the bar where we asks for two cans of Pepsi. I normally wouldn’t have carbonated drinks when I’m thirsty, but this is a party and we are already standing out for not drinking—among other reasons.
“Wanna go somewhere a bit more quiet?” he inquires once again leaning closer to my ear. Since we arrived the music has become louder and louder so we can barely talk.
I nod once again and he smiles at me before his hand rests on the small of my back once again and I’m led through the crowd, away from the house in the backyard. We find a small playground at the end of the property, with two old swings and a small merry-go-round. I rush to one of the swings and claim it, then look up at Zeke who keeps the smile as he watches me before he finally joins me on the other swing.
“So, are you having fun?” he questions after a few seconds, we swing back and forward softly, without out feet leaving the ground, just as far as the length of our legs allow us to go.
“Yeah, I mean it’s not like it’s the most amazing experience of my life, but I’m glad I came. It’s definitely louder than I expected,” I chuckle. The music is still loud, but we can talk without shouting or being in each other’s ears. “And I’ve learnt I suck at dancing, too.”
“You’re not that bad,” he says and I look at him with an are-you-for-real kind of look and he laughs out loud. “Okay, fine. You’re really bad, but that’s not a crime. I think it’s actually cute that you can’t coordinate your feet.”
“Says the guy who stepped on me on every song,” I mumble but I can’t look him in the eyes because he says he thinks I’m cute—because I can’t dance but cute nonetheless—and that makes my heart race all over again like when we were dancing.
I don’t know why I’m reacting like this, it’s not like Zeke being kind to me is something weird. I mean, since we started talking he’s always being honest and has let me see his true colours, and he’s always said what he thinks. He’s not afraid of complimenting me or Sam we he thinks we do something outstanding or nice, so him saying I’m cute when horribly dancing shouldn’t make me react like this. But it does, my heart is beating like when I go jogging and I feel nervous, like I’ve never felt before. I’ve always been confident because I’ve only faced situations in which I’m comfortable: studies. But now I don’t know where to look at, what to say or what to do with my hands! Do I keep them on the chains or on my lap? Should I shove them in my pockets? Why is this even relevant?
“If we are positive, between the two of us I think we can make a normal dancing person. I mean, if we are really, really optimistic,” he clarifies and that relaxes me a bit more because I laugh at his silly comment.
“Maybe three fourths of a person,” I suggest and look at him from the corner of my eye and I see him nodding in agreement.
Then Zeke’s attention turns to the sky, which is not as cloudy for an autumn night. You can’t see the stars, but the moon is there, shining among some clouds. I look at his profile, finding it more captivating than the night sky. His jaw is so defined, like a Greek statue and his nose harmonises so well with all his features. I can notice from this distance the length of his eyelashes and they are so abundant and thick. His lips also have a beautiful shape and they are slightly parted due to the smile he keeps.
I’m just appreciating the anatomy of his face and it is remarkable. I never really paid attention to how people look because appearance is just a temporary shell that changes with time and can be modified at will, but I’ve never felt this fascinated with someone’s features. I’ve never felt the need to actually watch someone and learn every single detail about them, like burning a picture in my mind.
“I think I like the moon better,” Zeke speaks and I blink to wake up from my stupor. “It’s always there, you know? Day and night and it’s always the same. Out of all the things in the sky, I think it’s the most reliable for us. Plus, you’re certain is there, not like with the stars that you know are far gone but you’re just now seeing them. What does the scientist think?” he asks me turning to watch me and as I’m still staring at him our eyes lock immediately and I feel like something is pulling me towards him, like gravity pulls me to the centre of the Earth.
“I had never thought about it,” I say with my throat quite dry. “But I guess you’re right. Plus, it’s the closest. Stars are so beautiful but they are just gas, you know, and chemical reactions, combustion. The sun is gonna be our doom and I like the theory that the moon was part of the Earth before. It makes it more special,” I comment and he nods, agreeing with me.
“Yeah, I like that theory, too. Plus, we only have one, which makes it more special, too. Not like Jupiter.” Now it’s my turn to smile and he gives me one of those warm and happy smiles, the ones that make his eyes get smaller and his tongue get caught between his teeth.
What is wrong with my heart? Why is it racing again? I’m not doing any kind of exercise, this is not normal. I’ve seen him smiling like this before and it never affected me that much. What changed tonight?
“You know what’s so great about you, Allie?” he asks next and I frown, because I’m not aware of what could make me great. “You’re so open-minded and always give a chance to everything around you. No matter how weird is what someone tells you, you’ll think about it and judge it fairly. You don’t laugh at people or assume things without concrete proofs and that’s so refreshing.” He sighs deeply and starts swinging a bit farther. “People judge you for your looks, age, tastes, background, nationality… it’s never-ending. They don’t give you a chance to tell them you’re just a person, they just define you according their own conceptions.” He turns to look at me, his eyes are so warm and sweet, and I feel a tingly sensation in my stomach, something that makes me want to burst out laughing. “But you’re objective and no matter how little promising the situation is, you’re fair no matter what. That’s great about you, Allie. You’re the first person who didn’t judge me even if I showed you the worst side of me, you still knew there was more than what I let out.”
I’m not sure what to say to all that, I don’t have the social skills to reply to such a speech and I believe that if I open my mouth I’ll only put in more evidence how poorly gifted I am in the art of conversation. But I can’t remain silent. I have to say something. It’s just so hard when my heart keeps beating like this.
“Fair and cold judgement will lead to more accurate conclusions. If I let myself be biased for what I see, I might miss the real issue,” I say resorting to the way I’ve been raised, to all those principles I’ve lived for since I can remember because those are the things I have more assimilated. When in doubt, go to that area in which you are the most comfortable.
Zeke laughs but in a sweet way, not in a mocking manner that could make me feel embarrassed of what I’ve said. I smile back at him at the same time he leaves the swing and comes to me. His hands grab the chain above my own hands and he leans a bit closer, my breath gets caught in my throat again.
“I’m glad you decided to leave the shell, Allie,” he says. “That you’re willing to experience new things and see beyond what you always knew.” His smile is wider and I’m holding my breath. “But I’m happier that you decided to push until you got to me. Thank you for that. I hadn’t realised until then how lonely I was.”
That makes me calm down as concerns replaces the anxiety when I hear his words. He hasn’t said it before, but I could conclude that much considering he really doesn’t have any other friends besides Sam and I, at least not friends his age. I never felt lonely either when it was only my studies and I, but once I opened my eyes and started to interact with the world I noticed how lonely I really was. I didn’t know it because I hadn’t known beyond my little world. Surely, it was the same for Zeke. And that’s normal behaviour, like what happens with rats in the laboratory. They will not miss or want something the don’t know of, like a treat after they do something, but once they know there’s a treat they’ll try to get it and learn how to overcome the obstacles until they get what they once experiences. Only once you know of something you can actually want it or miss it.
I stand up, startling Zeke that steps back but before he can put more distance between us I wrap my arms around his waist, my face buried in the crock of his neck. He doesn’t react at first but then his own arms are around me, keeping me close.
I don’t have to say what I really have in my mind and I hope Zeke understands what I’m trying to say: that it’s okay, now he has us. He doesn’t need to feel lonely anymore, like I don’t have to feel like that. After a few seconds the hug becomes tighter but it doesn’t hurt or bother me, all the contrary, it feels comfortable and I just want to stay here, where it’s warm and cosy, where I feel happy.
But Zeke breaks the embrace and then his hands are cupping my face as he examines me, his smile reaching even his eyes. “You’re a great girl, Allie,” he says before leaning closer and leaving a kiss on my forehead.
I think my heart skips a beat or whatnot, because something really weird happens inside. I know that if my heart did skip a beat it was so brief that it’s impossible for me to feel it, but something happened and I don’t know how to describe it. This sensation is something I haven’t studied before.
“Shall we go for Sam? I think she must be worried about us,” Zeke reminds me and my eyes widen. I had totally forgotten about Sam! That’s horrible.
“Yes, let’s go!” I blurt and he laughs, letting go of me and as soon as he steps aside I’m marching towards the house, determined to find Sam and also have fun with her.
I came to this party with my two best friends, not just Zeke. It’s not right that I stay by his side and leave my other best friend finding company in other people. Plus, I can’t stay for much longer so I better also have fun with Sam before I have to go back hoping my parents haven’t woken up and noticed my absence. The plan hasn’t come to an end yet, we haven’t finished what we started tonight and probably the most dangerous part is yet to come: returning home.
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