Mikey took us to get some fast food for dinner, since neither of us had gotten to eat. We ate while driving because I was way too excited to get home and tell everyone that I had my memory back.
I don't remember the day of the accident or the accident itself at all. In fact, the memories I have right before the accident are all jumbled and I can't tell which one is the most recent. If someone were to ask me "what's the last thing you remember", I would answer with "falling asleep in my dorm room", but I wouldn't be able to tell you which day that was.
I already had decided how I was going to tell everyone, and being in true Christina fashion, it would be funny. My plan was also Mikey approved.
I threw open the door dramatically, my McDonald's cup still in hand. Gerard, Frank, and Ray were still in the apartment, watching TV. They all turned their heads to look at me and I put my cup down on the table. I faced Ray so I could begin my speech. I pointed at him.
Boy they had no idea what they were in for.
"Ray," I began. He raised his eyebrows and pointed back at himself. "One time, during your senior year, I let you sneak a girl into my house so you could get laid without getting caught by your parents."
I didn't let him say anything before continuing my speech. I pointed at Frank next. He smiled.
"Frank, you have C.L.R. tattooed right here," and I pointed to the back of my elbow, "right next to a pair of dice and you had me convinced that it was a reference to that stupid Center Left Right game. But come to find out that it's really my initials that you had tattooed after I tried to kill myself. Oh yeah, we're gonna talk about that in a second."
I turned to Gerard.
"Gerard, one time we were driving in a snow storm and I pulled over to help a lady who had spun out in a ditch. You got out of the car to help me push her car and you slipped and fell on your ass in the snow."
I turned to face Mikey next, knowing that if I was gonna call everyone in the room out, he wasn't safe.
"And Mikey," I took a step forward and leaned up on my toes. I kissed him passionately, and I heard the whole room gasp. I felt Mikey smile against my lips. I pulled away from him, smiling. "Finally got the girl."
"No fucking way." Frank yelled. He had hopped up onto his feet and was basically jumping he was so excited. Everyone in the room was smiling. Ray has moved to the edge of his seat and Gerard's jaw was hanging open.
"Way." I said smugly.
"How did this happen? I mean... your memory? You and Mikey? What the hell is going on? I don't even know where to start." Ray stuttered.
"Well, see, this is actually what we need to discuss. I remember the day I tried to kill myself." I told them bravely. Truth be told, I am quite pissed that none of them told me about that day. Everyone had looks of confusion and shock on their faces. They kept looking around the room at each other, waiting for someone to say something. I continued. "I just think it's funny how the one thing that made me remember everything is the one thing you guys purposely lied to me about."
"Chris we didn't lie to you." Frank said defensively. I took a step toward him, pointing my finger angrily as I did so.
"Well you didn't exactly tell me the truth either. Don't you think that was something important about me that I should've been told?" I said, my voice steadily rising to a yell. Frank didn't back down. He stood up straighter to look me square in the face.
"Why are you yelling? How were we supposed to tell you that? Huh?" He shouted back at me, which only fueled my fire.
"I don't know! You found it pretty easy to tell me about how me and Gerard's sex life! But when it comes down to the event that helped shape me as a person... you didn't know how to tell me. Funny."
"You never asked!" Frank yelled. I rolled my eyes.
"I didn't know!" I snapped.
"You didn't know about you and Gerard either but you asked! You could've asked us about your depression!"
"I did ask!" I spat at Frank, before turning my fury to Ray. I turned my wrists out so he could see the scars that lay there. "I asked you about these and you played stupid. But you knew. You fucking knew when and why and you lied to my face."
Ray threw his hands up defensively.
"Chris, I'm sorry. I really didn't know what to say."
"Didn't you guys promise to tell me the truth?" I asked rhetorically. My anger was starting to morph into sadness because I felt betrayed. Tears began to well up in my eyes and I tugged at the ends of my braids. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"We thought you'd be different." Gerard said. I turned on my heel so fast my braids spun and hit me in the face. My jaw dropped. Did he really just say that to me?
"Are you joking? You thought I'd be different? Did you hate the person I used to be that bad? That's a part of who I am! If you didn't like that part of me you didn't have to be in my life. You'd use my memory loss to change me into someone that you want me to be? I can't fucking believe you. Any of you." Angry tears freely fell down my face. I couldn't stand to look at the boys so I huffed my way into the kitchen.
"That's not what I meant. Chris, we all love and care about you. We hate to watch you suffer, and we didn't want to have to see you go through it all over again. You'd forgotten all about your depression and we thought that maybe now you'd finally be happy." Gerard said. I looked over my shoulder at him, mustering up the meanest look I could.
"That wasn't your call." I said through my teeth.
I never yell at the boys. They're really all I have in this world and I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize my relationship with them.
"What if you had told me that sooner? Huh? Maybe if you had told me about that day sooner rather than later I would've gotten my memory back faster." I yelled to the whole room, enunciating with my hands. "Maybe if you'd been honest with me from the beginning I wouldn't have to feel like you're ashamed of my past."
"Maybe this, maybe that! Chris, none of us knew anything about what would make your memory come back faster. We had no fucking way of knowing that your suicide attempt would be the tipping point. It's not that deep, bro. Stop being a brat. This is supposed to be a happy moment! You got your memory back, you and Mikey are finally together, and yet here you are, yelling at us for something completely out of our control." Frank said, getting in my face. He was always one to speak the truth and was never afraid to call me out when I was being stupid.
"Fuck you. It was in your control. Just because you didn't know it would cure my amnesia doesn't mean that you had to hide the truth from me. You had no right. I don't understand why the fuck you couldn't have been honest with me! I don't understand why-"
"Because it wasn't just traumatic for you!" Mikey yelled bravely. All of our heads turned to Mikey, who was still standing by the front door. His fists were balled angrily. I've never heard Mikey yell like that, and judging by everyone else's reactions- they've never heard it either. Our stunned silence encouraged Mikey to continue. "All of us know how it feels to want to die. All of us. But I'm the only one who knows what it feels like to have their best friend try to kill herself right in front of you. Imagine what that did to me. You standing there, fully prepared to make me watch you die. You were going to make me watch!"
Mikey's words were laced with venom and quite frankly, it scared me. Everyone experiences anger, but I've never seen Mikey angry. And, obviously, it's never been directed at me.
"Mikey," I started to say, before he cut me off and continued to yell at me.
"In that moment, you had so little regard for me that you were going to kill yourself right in front of me. Think about how that's affected my life. I bet you can't even imagine how bad that fucked me up." Mikey said. He was looking directly into my eyes, and I've never felt more vulnerable. My tears came back, but this time they weren't angry tears.
Mikey was right, I couldn't imagine how bad I fucked him up. I never thought about it like that. I had always assumed that nobody would care if I died, but now I knew better.
"Mikey," I tried to say again, but this time my voice came out broken, all hints of anger gone.
"I still have nightmares about it. I still have your fucking suicide note. I still picture your bloody hands on my arms. So, did you ever think that maybe none of us told you about that day because it's hard for us to talk about? Maybe some of us care so much about you that we can't even so much as think about that day. And you expected that to be the first thing we fucking told you when you woke up from your coma. All those people drove past you on the bridge- not giving a shit about you, and you're yelling at the people who fought tooth and nail to keep you alive. I moved your suicide note across the country with me because I can't let go, and you're mad because I didn't tell you about your darkest day. I have nightmares about watching you fall and you're mad because you think we lied to you." Mikey said, sounding like he was done yelling. His words made me feel so small, but I knew he was right. "Look at the big picture. It's not all about you."
Of course, he wasn't trying to make my suicide attempt about him. But there are two sides to every story and I never thought about what I did to him, mentally.
I was really crying now.
The room was so silent you could hear a pin drop, despite the TV being on. Mikey and I still hadn't looked away from each other, though we were still on opposite sides of the room. I've always been the type of person to apologize even when it wasn't necessary, but for some reason my words were caught in my throat. I wanted nothing more than to hug Mikey and tell him how sorry I was for putting him through something like that, but I also just wanted to get as far away from this room as I could.
What was this emotion I was feeling? Rage? Embarrassment? Humiliation? Sadness? Fear?
I suddenly realized that I was becoming my worst enemy: my mother.
I always described her as selfish and narcissistic. Now here I stand, with Frank calling me a brat, Mikey calling me selfish, and me ignoring every positive thing these boys did for me just to focus on one negative.
Again, I realized how stupid I was.
Everyone was watching my next move, but I was frozen.
This was the second time I had cried today, but this time was even worse than before.
Frank and I were still standing only inches apart from each other, having been in each other's faces before Mikey's outburst. I turned to him.
His eyes were wide with surprise, but they were soft. Without really thinking about what I was doing, I threw my arms around his neck and buried my face in his T-shirt. I sobbed freely into him, muttering apologies over and over in between my cries. Frank embraced me fully, squeezing me tightly.
"Shh, Chris. It's okay." He murmured.
I kept saying that I was sorry. I was sorry for always making everything about me. Sorry for never seeing how my actions affected other people. Sorry for being a shitty friend. Sorry for being selfish.
I cried on Frank's shoulder for what felt like an hour- but was really probably only 5 minutes.
"Oh jeez, Chris, I- I didn't mean to make you cry." Mikey said. His voice was soft and full of concern. I detached myself from Frank and wiped my eyes. His T-shirt was wet around the collar from where my tears fell. I tried to smile, to lighten the mood, but when I did, the motion of my cheeks pushed more tears out of my eyes. Frank laughed and quickly covered his mouth. I laughed too and hugged him again.
"Thank you, for still being my friend even though I'm a selfish bitch." I said quietly. Frank sighed and pushed me back a little so he could look at me.
"You're not selfish. Everyone has to take time to process the shit they went through. You're allowed to take some time for yourself." He said. I knew Frank wasn't as immature as he acted sometimes.
"But... I am." I turned to Mikey. He had one hand over his chest and the other was on the back of the couch, holding himself up. "Mikey, the bridge was three years ago and not once in those three years did I think about what happened to you that day. Not once. Tell me that's not selfish."
"It's not, Chris. That's why I never said anything about it. Because it doesn't matter." He said, standing up straight and putting his hands in his pockets. I walked over to him and pulled his hands into mine.
"Of course it matters." I said with as much sincerity as I could. Similarly to me, Mikey also struggled with his self-worth. I looked around the room then, suddenly becoming very aware of three pairs of watchful eyes. "Can we talk about this in your room?"
Mikey nodded and quickly slipped away into his bedroom, leaving the door open for me. Before I followed, I addressed Frank, Ray, and Gerard.
"I'm sorry I yelled at you. You always look out for me and I'm sorry I overlooked that just to be angry." I told them. I didn't wait for a response before I started walking away, but I heard all three of them say that I was forgiven.
Mikey's room was dimly lit, with only a single lamp from his nightstand illuminating the room. I shut the door behind me, and it got even darker. He was laying on his bed, in the usual position he plays bass in, but instead he was just staring at the ceiling. He didn't even look at me when I came into the room.
I needed to tell him how much he meant to me, and that from this point forward, I would never overlook the way he feels ever again.
I walked over to the bed and I sat on his lap, straddling him so that he would have to look at me. Mikey gently laid his hands on my thighs and he looked me in the eyes.
"I'm sorry I made you cry." He murmured. I smiled gently and shook my head.
"You didn't. I made me cry." I said quickly, while leaning forward and placing a gentle kiss on his lips. "I'm sorry that I never thought about that day from your perspective before."
Mikey's hands stayed on my thighs, like he was too afraid to move. His eyes were still closed after I kissed him. I gently took off his beanie and tossed it on the floor, while combing my fingers through his hair with my free hand. I sat back up on my knees.
"I never wanted you to. Guilt tripping doesn't work with people who are suicidal. It only makes them feel worse. And I didn't want to make you feel worse about what happened." Mikey answered, finally opening his eyes to look at me.
"I'm not suicidal anymore. You could've told me." I whispered. The intimacy of this moment was making my heart race. I've had thousands of heart-to-heart conversations with Mikey before. But something about this moment was unique.
"It didn't matter." He said, in a rush. His eyes fell to his hands, which were still on my thighs. I could see the sadness creep into his face. I leaned forward again and put one hand under his chin, lifting his head up.
One of my hands was supporting me, placed up next to his head. The other hand was under his chin. His hands slowly moved up to my hips. Our faces were inches apart, our noses touching.
"You will always matter to me. Anything you have to say, I'll hear you. Whatever you're feeling matters to me. I'll never have enough apologies to tell you how sorry I am for what I put you through that day. I never thought about how it would feel to have to talk someone out of killing themself. I never intended for you to have to talk me out if it. I promise that I will never put you through anything like that ever again." I told Mikey. He kissed me then, more deeply than before. His lips were so soft and gentle, and it left me wanting more. He pulled away sooner than I would have preferred, but I knew it was because he had something to say.
"I'm so glad you're alive." He whispered gently. His voice gave me goosebumps. I didn't know if he was talking about my first near death experience or my second, more recent one. "I shouldn't have called you selfish and I'm sorry for saying that."
"I think we can both agree that I was a pretty stupid teenager. But I'm growing up now and... Mikey, thank you for saving my life." I replied. My voice started out at a normal level, but it slowly dropped to a whisper when I saw the admiration and love in Mikey's hazel eyes. "I really do love you."
"I love you too." He said before crashing his lips to mine again, our tongues meeting not soon after.
I was using both hands to hold me up so I was quite literally on my hands and knees over top Mikey. It took everything in my power not to start rocking my hips against his. I wanted to, I wanted him, but I didn't know if he wanted that right now. As if he was reading my mind, Mikey applied gentle force downward on my hips, while simultaneously raising his upwards. We were still making out, and I moaned into his mouth.
I broke the kiss and started trailing kisses down his jaw- ugh his jaw was perfect- and his neck, one hand tugging at his hair. It was Mikey's turn to moan, and hearing his voice make such a noise made me want him even more. His hands slipped under the back of my shirt and he gently scratched the skin of my back. His fingers on my bare skin sent jolts of electricity through me. I had been slowly moving my hips against his this whole time, but now I stopped and sat up straight. I quickly ripped my shirt over my head, with Mikey's hands helping as well. I watched Mikey's eyes trail from my belly button, to my black bra, to my eyes, then back down. A blush crept to his cheeks.
"Why are you blushing? You've seen me in my bra before." I whispered. Mikey looked me in the eye. His cheeks were still rosy. He shook his head.
"Not like this." He said huskily. I sat back a little further and grabbed Mikey by the shirt collar, pulling him up with me so that he was sitting now too. Mikey took off his glasses and I grabbed the hem of his shirt, pulling it up and over his head. I swear this boy can read my mind.
I've seen Mikey shirtless countless times, with his slender figure helping his muscles be more defined, but now I knew why he was staring at me. This is different.
Intimate.
This was new, yet still comfortable. This was all coming so naturally to both me and Mikey. We had never discussed our sex lives with each other before, so I genuinely didn't know if Mikey was a virgin or not, or what he liked and didn't like. He knew that I wasn't a virgin since that whole thing got exposed earlier this week.
Mikey was kissing my neck now, nibbling slightly and earning subtle moans from me. Mikey took one hand and covered my open mouth, shushing me so that none of the boys in the other room would hear through the thin walls. His other hand was still on my back, his fingernails digging into my skin.
They probably already knew what we were doing though.
I reached behind my back and unhooked my bra and pulled it off me. I tossed it on the floor. Mikey took one look at my bare chest before he effortlessly flipped me onto my back, never once disconnecting us from each other.
I'm sure you can picture the rest...
***
I'm not sure how long Mikey and I made love, but I do know that we had sex twice- one right after the other. We couldn't keep our hands off each other.
When we were both completely exhausted, we helped each other dress and we fixed Mikey's disheveled blankets.
My legs were weak but my heart was full. I have never been this happy in my entire life. Who would've thought that all I needed was a car accident to set me straight.
Mikey and I knew we had to leave his room eventually and face the guys, who were now drinking again from their noise level.
I left the room first, hoping to take the heat first so Mikey could avoid embarrassment. All three of the boys were still here and they all had open beer cans in their hand. Gerard was the first one to spot me and he quickly looked away. Frank turned and saw me, and nearly spit out his drink in the process.
"Oh, Mikey!" He moaned in a high pitched voice, obviously mimicking me. I laughed and rolled my eyes. I headed to the kitchen.
"I know I don't sound like that." I answered. I searched the fridge for a beer can and then I cracked it open.
"Yeah, it's more like this." Frank said and then he threw his head back and let out a very realistic moan. Everyone laughed then, and I tried my best to not let beer come out my nose.
"Nice hickies, by the way." Ray said. I didn't look in a mirror so I didn't realize Mikey had bruised me. Whoops. Mikey silently entered the room then and to my horror, I realized that he had a hickey as well. I put my head in my hands. "Oh you too Mikey. Nice hickey."
I grabbed a second beer from the fridge and tossed it across the room to Mikey. He smiled warmly at me and opened it, taking a long swig.
"Thirsty bud?" Frank joked. I left the kitchen and took a seat on my futon.
"Yeah, Chris is a handful." Mikey said playfully back as he joined me on the futon. I smacked him in the arm.
"Oh she's a handful alright." Frank said out of the side of his mouth while nudging Gerard, who sat next to him on the couch. Gerard glared at him.
"That's not funny Frank. Let's not talk about that."
"Did she sound like that when you were doing it with her, Gee?" Ray teased, joining in. Gerard looked extremely uncomfortable, and I was feeling the same way. I decided I would make one joke about it, then change the subject. I really did not want to talk about how I had now slept with both of the Way brothers.
"At least Mikey has the courtesy to fuck me on a bed."
"Oooooh burn!" Frank yelled.
"Can I bum a cigarette off someone?" I asked, successfully changing the subject. As it turns out, everyone but Ray wanted to smoke, but he came out to the balcony anyway.
I stepped up against the railing, cigarette between my fingers. I felt Mikey come up behind me and wrap his arms around me from behind.
"Did you pull her pigtails while you were doing it doggy? That's the dream man." Frank asked Mikey from beside us.
"No, but we should definitely try that later." I said. I turned around in Mikey's arms and leaned up on my toes to kiss him. He subtly grabbed one of my braids and tugged gently, so that nobody would see.
"Definitely." He said, stealing another kiss.