How I feel season 12 ep 5 should've gone- after Yaz and Ryan found the doctor...
The doctor felt cold. Numb. Her emotions had been thrashed about, pulled in every direction and left her in heartache. She couldn't process it all- the fact she had met another her, someone that she used to be yet didn't remember. It was mad, all of it, and she wouldn't have believed it if she hadn't just lived through it.
She dragged her limbs along the path, occasionally looking down at the rippling water of the river next to it. The sun shone off its surface and twinkled, so clear and blue everything beneath it could be seen perfectly clearly. It was a beautiful river, maybe one of the best looking on earth, but the doctor could barley see it in her haze. The grey concrete pavement was a lot more appealing to stare at thoughtlessly as she tried to focus on just finding her friends. She had almost forgotten about the fam, almost forgotten they weren't with her when she went with Ruth- or, the Doctor.
"Doctor!" Someone shouted her name from a bit away, the Doctor forcing her heavy eyes up to look at them. It was Ryan and Yaz, her family, yet she couldn't muster even the smallest of smiles to greet them. She must've looked a mess, she could see the many strands of hair falling in front of her eyes, feel the coldness of her nose, her stiff posture. She was amazed they didn't stop and point it all out, but she knew they were too kind hearted for that. Yaz was running fastest towards her, Ryan not far behind but clearly not in as much rush.
Yaz halted in front of her, practically skidding to a stop with a wide smile on her face. Her smile was gorgeous, it could light up a room, but the doctor felt so empty that not even that could relight her fire. Ryan stopped next to her, relief flooding over him as he met eyes with the doctor. She was alright- or, physically she was fine. Yaz's smile fell as her eyes linked with the blondes, her dull mood almost transferring to her like an infection. She tapped Ryan, who had been talking blindly and quickly, as if to tell him to shut up.
She reached a hand towards the doctor, but withdrew it as her face stayed blank. She could tell something was wrong- very wrong. The doctor had been distant before, stroppy, moody, sad, but she'd never been so cold. So empty. So broken. Whatever had happened with Ruth had hurt her- scared her. She was breaking and Yaz could feel it. She was just staring at their feet, her thoughts so loud Ryan and Yaz could practically hear them too. It was a sight neither of them had seen before, and quiet frankly never wanted to see again.
"Doctor? You alright?" Ryan asked, receiving less than an acknowledgement from the doctor. Yaz and him looked at each other, lost for words or actions having no context as to what had happened. "Doctor?" Yaz tried softly, stepping closer. The blondes eyes flickered, her mouth in a line and unmoving. Yaz placed a hand on her cheek, not surprised to get no reaction. She rubbed small circles with her thumb, trying so desperately to get something out of her if even a sigh, but nothing. She was so closed off.
"What happened?" She asked, though it was probably the most useless question at this time. The doctor shook her head slowly, so slowly it nearly went over their heads. Ryan stepped a little closer too, his expression reading pure sympathy and empathy. The two companions exchanged a look in confusion, feeling powerless as to how to help. Today had been a hell of a day for everyone, but little to no one had a clue what the doctor had just been through. She'd lost her home to her oldest friend old days before, and now she had all these new problems to think about- being one of two doctors. She didn't get it, and she hated not getting things.
She wanted so badly to respond, she wanted to gloss over the whole thing and smile and laugh with her fam, travelling the galaxy together and having as much fun as they always had. She wanted to say she was fine, but something deep inside her was preventing that lie from ever leaving her lips again. Like she'd abused it too much and no longer had the privilege. All she could do was bite her tongue to prevent sobbing at Ryan and Yaz, who wouldn't understand what she was so upset about. No one ever could.
"You're not okay, are you?" Yaz's honey sweet voice echoed in the doctors ears, the words carving into her skull. She had worked her out, something no one had really managed to do before. Before she could think otherwise, her eyes were welling slowly with tears, and Yaz had her arms around her in a hug. She couldn't hug back, her body was limp, but Yaz seemed to understand that and hugged her for comfort rather than cooperation. Ryan wrapped his arms around the two of them and locked them in a circle, adding his support which the blonde could only appreciate.
She let her eyes shut, resting her head on Yaz's shoulder and Ryan's arm, not crying but letting the tears subside quietly. She felt the movement returning to her body, everything feeling less stiff, so much so that she could hug back. As she stepped back and ended the embrace she smiled. It was fake, but she could tell that Yaz and Ryan felt better for seeing it- like their doctor was back. However she couldn't laugh properly, couldn't jump for joy, couldn't make a joke or grin, something inside her was still throbbing and broken. But she knew she had her fam to help at least put a plaster on it.
Yaz ran a hand through the doctors hair, a weak smile gracing her lips. "I know you're not fine, but we'll help mend that. Your not by yourself anymore, you don't need to fix every problem alone." For a moment the doctor felt the heat of happiness skim her core, a genuine smile lighting up her face. She took Yaz's hand in her own and sighed. "Thanks Yaz, and thanks Ryan." Her voice was quiet, but even hearing it at all put Yaz's mind at rest. They were yet to find out what happened to her, and it was undoubtedly going to be complicated and upsetting, but at least then they could help.
Even if the doctor felt alone, she knew she wasn't in the slightest.