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chapter sixty-two: the great and the terrible
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INDIRA HAS ACQUIRED A SHADOW. She sees her sometimes out of the corner of her eye. A small, fleeting little thing that would be easy to miss. The child — one of Wesley's rescues — can't be older than six years-old and she follows Indira around constantly, peeking around corners to watch when she thinks Indira isn't looking and scampering away when she gets caught. She never talks, this shadow of hers; just watches with wide, curious eyes as Indira goes about her daily routine.
Indira doesn't mind. All the kids have slowly started to warm to their group while they bide their time, waiting for the rest of the Resistance to join them on Batuu.
Finn is the favorite by far and rightfully so. He takes the time to memorize their names and join in their games. Most of the time, he does it with a smile on his face, but every so often Indira sees his expression grow pained and he has to take a step away; undoubtedly haunted by memories of his own time as a child soldier. Rose is second favorite, but still much loved thanks to her impressive story-telling skills. Then there's Stefan, who is reserved by nature, yet well-liked. More often than not, he can be found with at least one child hanging from his back and two others giggling as they cling to his legs.
And then there is Indira, who spends most of her spare time doing minor repairs on their ship. She has Elsi, her shadow.
At first it had unsettled her to have this quiet little person keeping track of her every move, but she's grown used to it. She'd tried to make friends with Elsi, but that had only sent her running scared into Wesley's arms. Wesley — they'd taken to calling him Wes for short — later explained that Elsi had been mistreated more than some of the other kids. It made her skittish and she rarely spoke, even to him. He said she would come to Indira when she was ready, but till then it was best to leave her to her own devices.
So, Indira does as he suggests, but not without making sure that Elsi has a partner in crime. She tells EV-1 to keep her company since Elsi seemed to take a liking to the droid and the two of them are fast friends. Indira also notices how Elsi seems to like watching her do repairs and — after securing Wes's permission — she starts to leave a few of her child-proof tools out for Elsi to find, giving her something to tinker with while the other kids play together.
Hours stretch into days as they wait for the Resistance to arrive. Indira can't sit still and winds up taking out most of her nerves on their ship. It'd been in relatively good condition before landing, but she'd found little things that needed fixing — the compressor was old and the wires were starting to fray, the yoke would stick when pulled too far to the left, a few of the bulbs on the dash had burnt out. She spends hours taking things apart and putting them back together, much to the aggravation of Finn, who eventually decides to stage an intervention.
"Beren," he says, interrupting her as she attempts to rewire the subspace radio beneath the dash. "Come breathe with me."
Indira pokes her head out from her spot on the floor. "Huh?"
"Come on," Finn repeats, offering her both of his hands. "Let's take a break."
She allows herself to be pulled up from the ground. "Why?"
"Because you need to relax," he says bluntly. "You're stressing me out and I meditate better when I have someone with me."
Indira resists the urge to groan. She hadn't bothered with trying to meditate since she'd joined Finn and Rey during a training session on Yavin IV. Whatever calmness they obtained from meditation, Indira had never experienced for herself. All it seemed to do was further agitate her — which, in her mind, negated the whole purpose of meditating — so she'd given it up.
"I don't know, Finn," she hesitates. "Meditation isn't really my thing."
"Please?" He asks, eyes wide and soft and pleading. "I've been doing my best to keep calm with all of this —" he gestures outside the ship, where the children are sleeping "— but it's stirring up a lot of old memories that have been messing with my head. I could use someone to keep me company while I try to get balanced. And I really do think it could help you relax."
Indira nods, pushing aside her own discomfort. Whether or not she personally likes to meditate is irrelevant now. If Finn wants someone to do it with him, she'll try. "Yeah, of course," she says quickly. "Anything you need."
They make their way towards the mouth of the cave that they'd taken refuge in, careful not to make any noise as they creep past the sleeping children. Stefan and Wes nod at them when they pass; the two men pausing their quiet conversation. A little further away, Rose is curled up on her side, getting a few hours of shut-eye before her watch shift.
Outside, Finn finds a large, flat rock for the two of them to sit on near the entrance of the cave. He crosses his legs, hands resting on his thighs, and Indira mirrors his position on the ground. The nighttime air is brisk, but not too cold and even though she can see her breath in the light of the moon, Indira doesn't mind.
"Okay," Finn says, taking a deep breath and closing his eyes. "Let's just ... breathe."
Indira follows his example, eyes closed as she inhales the night air into her lungs and exhales slowly. The world is so quiet that she can hear the sound of Finn's steady breathing. This isn't so bad, Indira thinks tentatively. I'm just ... breathing. It's different from Yavin IV, where the forest had been alive with endless sound and sensation. The Surabat River Valley is quieter in comparison — less intense — and Indira almost finds herself enjoying it.
Except ... it's too quiet.
So quiet that the silence begins to feel loud as it stretches on. There's nothing for Indira to distract herself with. All she has is the company of her own thoughts. It makes her fidget, shifting her weight from one side of her body to the other. The sound rustles the ground. Her thoughts drift to the last time she breathed like this — really breathed like this — and it drags her into a memory that she'd done her very best to avoid thinking about.
Breathe, her father had told her in his final moments. It was one of the last things he had said to her. Just breathe. You'll hear me better that way.
The reverie brings unexpected pain: sharp and sudden and blazing red-hot. It feels like a brand against her skin; a slap across the face. Indira's eyes fly open and she chokes down a gasp, tilting her head all the way back to look up at the stars above her head and calm herself. She doesn't want to breathe, just breathe anymore; doesn't want to think about her father; doesn't want to remember him dying.
She doesn't want to think about anything at all.
Across from her, Finn is still calm as he inhales and exhales steadily. Rey had been right in her assessment of him — he is a natural in the Force, seeming to find balance with ease. Indira doesn't want to disturb him, so she keeps quiet and attempts to force herself back into a steady breathing pattern.
Her eyes close and all thoughts of her father are pushed to somewhere far, far away in the depths of her mind. Indira doesn't let herself think of him any longer ... but she still is not at peace. Instead, her thoughts drag her further back into the past. In her mind's eye, she sees Han standing on a platform that spans across an endless abyss; Han, impaled by the blade of his son, reaching out to cradle his face; Han falling, falling, falling —
She opens her eyes with a gasp, dizzy from the sensation of falling. Finn hears it too and looks at her with concern. "You good?"
Indira nods stubbornly. "Fine," she says. "Just got distracted. Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt."
Finn doesn't seem convinced. "You sure you're good?"
"Never better," Indira lies through her teeth.
"Okay," he replies skeptically. "If you say so."
She waits for him to close his eyes before letting hers shut. A single breath makes its way past her lips before she is bombarded with more memories she wants to forget. Herself at twenty years-old, being pulled from class. Wedge Antilles sitting her down to break the news that her mother was dead. How numb she'd been the whole time, nodding until he finished speaking. The way she'd asked to be excused, hurrying to the nearest refresher to vomit and staying there on the floor until Kali found her.
Kali ... Indira thinks about her and Jess. How they'd thrown themselves into danger on Barterus. And even though Indira knows they can handle themselves, she can't bear the uncertainty of not being able to truly know. She can't sense if they're okay anymore — not like she used to be able to. Losing the Force had been like losing part of herself and she'd been left flying blind.
Everyone she loved could die. Hell, they could be dead now, all of them — Kali, Jess, her mother, Leia, Poe, Rey — and Indira wouldn't have the slightest clue.
She wouldn't be able to feel it at all.
A terrified noise escapes her lips and her eyes shoot open as she scrambles off the ground. There's wetness on her cheeks from tears that she hadn't even realized she'd shed and Indira wipes them away furiously, chest heaving with noiseless sobs. In a flash, Finn is on his feet too and he's hugging her tight.
"I'm sorry," Indira gasps into his shoulder. "I'm so sorry, Finn. I didn't mean to disturb you. I don't know what came over me. I'm sorry —"
"Hey, hey, hey," he says, rubbing her back, "it's okay, alright? I'm fine. But Indira —" he pulls back to look at her, his face solemn "— I don't think you are."
She lets out a watery laugh. "What gave it away?"
"A lot of things, actually," Finn replies honestly. "Wanna talk about it?"
Indira purses her lips. "Not really?"
"Wrong question," he amends. "Do you need to talk about it?"
She grimaces. "Probably."
Finn's lips twitch into a half-smile. "How about I tell you what I've been feeling and maybe you can share with me after," he suggests, sitting down on the ground once more.
Indira considers the proposition. She has two choices: to either continue pretending to be fine while not being fine and staying miserable or to do something scary and let herself be vulnerable with a friend and maybe feel a little better afterwards.
She takes a seat next to him. "Okay," Indira agrees. "You first."
"I keep thinking about the kids," Finn says, looking down at his hands. "How I was one of them once. How most of us don't get saved." He lets out a shuddering exhale. "I know that being part of the Resistance is the right thing to do. The First Order has to be stopped and they're the only ones fighting. But ... it also means fighting people who used to be just like those kids; people like me who weren't lucky enough to find a way out. And I ... I really hate that."
Indira nods, but doesn't say anything. No words could make the unjust reality of the war they were fighting any better and he hadn't asked her for a solution; just for her to listen. She takes his hand and squeezes gently. "I'm sorry."
"Me too," Finn says, squeezing back. "Now, what about you, Beren? What's been holding you back?"
She swallows thickly, pulling her hand back into her lap. "It's ... everything, but mostly my dad," Indira admits and Finn nods; as if he'd been expecting that answer. "Being on the Raddus and watching all those people die — feeling them die — was awful. And almost losing Leia was one of the scariest things that's ever happened to me. But losing my dad after everything that happened with my mom ..." she shakes her head. "I know it's stupid — I barely even knew him — but it messed me up a lot."
"It's not stupid; it's how you feel," Finn interrupts her quietly. "He was your dad. Doesn't matter that you didn't have him for very long — you still lost him and that hurts." His eyes grow a little misty. "Solo was the closest thing I've had to a father since the First Order took me from my family. I think about him all the time."
Indira shakes her head. "That's the thing, though. I don't want to think about my dad. Thinking about him makes me feel like ... like I can't breathe. It hurts. I just want to forget."
"If it hurts, that's a good thing," Finn tells her. "And maybe it doesn't feel like it right now, but you should be glad that you can't forget. Whenever our thoughts started to get too real — too human — we used to have to go to reprogramming. They would take them from us, our feelings and our memories, because they knew those things were what would make us powerful enough to rebel against them."
"I don't feel powerful," she says thickly. "I feel like I'm drowning all the time and I can't catch my breath."
Finn sets a hand on her shoulder. "Want my advice?"
Indira hesitates before nodding.
"Stop fighting it," he suggests. "Even if it seems like you might drown, let yourself feel whatever it is — pain, grief, anger. You don't have to hold onto those feelings forever, but ignoring them isn't going to get rid of them. You have to let them run their course and then you can let them go."
Indira sucks her bottom lip between her teeth. "When did you get so wise, huh?"
Finn grins. "I've always been wise," he replies. "You just never noticed."
She shoots him a rueful smile, but it fades quickly. "What if I'm too afraid?" Indira whispers. "What if I can't let go?"
He nudges her with an elbow. "That's what you've got friends for."
Her brow softens before she scoots back a bit, pulling her legs beneath her and crossing them. "Breathe with me?"
Finn smiles and situates himself in the same position. "Why, I'm honored that you asked ..."
His eyes close and Indira watches him breathe for a few moments, matching her own inhales and exhales to the slow and steady rhythm of his breaths. Her eyes drift shut. Breathe, Indira thinks. Just breathe. She doesn't shy away from the memory of her father when it comes this time. The pain is still there and for a moment her lungs seem to fail her, as if she really is drowning.
The instinct to pull back to — open her eyes and run away — is strong. But then Finn is clasping her hand and holding it tight. "It's okay," he says. "You're alright. Just breathe through it and let it run its course. Then you can let it go."
And she does, taking another deep breath and letting it out. The panic is still there, but it's easier to breathe now and it slowly becomes something more bearable. When the feeling fully subsides, her thoughts are clear. Indira thinks of her father — the tone of his voice, the warmth of his embrace — and it no longer feels like she's drowning. Tears flood her eyes and she lets them roll down her cheeks without wiping them away. She just lets them fall and allows some of her grief to go with them.
When her eyes finally open again, Finn is watching her; a small smile on his face. She returns it tentatively, wiping away the water on her cheeks, and allows him to pull her up from the ground. Her gaze goes upward, looking at the stars once more, and for a moment — just a moment — she feels it. Not the Force, but something like it.
Balance.
IT'S JUST PAST SUNDOWN when the first Resistance transports touch down on Batuu. Leia, Rey, and the others from Kelvan Prime make their landing three days after Leia's initial message. The general is all business the second she steps onto solid ground, briefly greeting Indira and the rest of the Batuu team before marching over to Wes and making her introductions. After that, the two of them disappear into the depths of the ruins to talk privately; only emerging hours later when the rest of the Resistance ships arrive sometime after midnight.
Indira is pleasantly surprised to find that their numbers have almost doubled with the addition of Inferno Squadron, Phantom Squadron, and some other stragglers who have joined the cause. Amongst the new faces are old ones, too. Snap and Karé have returned from Akiva with Wedge and Norra. The newlyweds look positively blissful after their brief retreat; especially Karé, who seems to be glowing with health and happiness. Kali and Jess are with them as well; a little battered and bruised, but nonetheless triumphant after their victory in Barterus's gladiatorial ring. Their smiles are full of pride as they introduce ex-Imperial Teza Nasz, whose support they'd won through armed combat.
And of course, there's Poe at the helm of it all. He seems exhausted — red-eyed and unshaven — but he brightens when Leia greets him warmly and Indira is glad to see it after their brief falling out on the Falcon. She watches them exchange a few words before Leia moves on to greet the others, including a young, dark-haired girl called Zay and a Duros male called Shriv from Inferno Squadron.
While the newcomers make their acquaintances, Indira hurries over to Kali and Jess. In a flash, she tackles them, throwing an arm around both of their necks and holding them tight. "You're both insane, you're both badasses, and if you ever do anything like that again, I'll kill you myself."
"Do anything like what?" Poe asks, seeming to materialize out of thin air.
Indira steps back from her friends. "Oh, do you not know?" She demands. "These two thought it would be a great idea to throw themselves into the death pits of Barterus to try and win the support of a single ex-Imperial warlord."
Poe blanches. "You what?!"
"But we did win her support," Jess points out, smiling innocently at his thunderous expression. "So I really don't think it's necessary that we rehash all the nitty gritty details —"
"Jessika Pava, have you lost your godsdamned mind?"
"Oh, great, now you've done it," Jess complains, sticking her tongue out at Indira as Poe launches into an angry tirade about unnecessarily risky behavior and reckless endangerment.
"And you, Kilam. You went along with this?"
Kali looks positively bored. "I hope you can recognize the hypocrisy of you of all people lecturing anyone else about reckless behavior, Commander."
A vein in Poe's temple throbs. "You're not supposed to follow my example!" He barks out. "You're supposed to learn from it and be better!"
"Kriff, Poe," Jessika interrupts. "We get it: you're not mad; you're just disappointed. Can you hurry this up so I can go say hi to Snap and Karé?"
"Wrong; I am mad!" Poe snaps. "And disappointed! And a little proud — but don't think that means I approve of any of this." He pauses his ranting, eyes softening as he looks over the two pilots for any sign of injuries before jutting his head at them to leave. "Now, shoo. Get out of my face."
Jess doesn't have to be told twice. She grabs Kali by the hand and bolts in the direction of Snap and Karé. The husband and wife offer them both high-fives; much to the irritation of Poe, who shakes his head as he watches from a distance.
"Insanity," he mutters under his breath, though the barest hint of a smirk teases at the edge of his lips, which tells Indira that he's not quite as mad as he let on.
He tips his head in her direction, catching her watching him, and it makes her face feel hot. Poe's smile widens even further. "Well, well. Miss Beren, fancy meeting you in a place like this —"
"Good turnout," Indira blurts, cutting him off. "With the ships, I mean. And the people. We've almost doubled our numbers, I think."
The teasing smile on his face transforms into a grimace. "It's ... something," he says, sounding less than enthused.
Indira frowns. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing," Poe replies, rubbing a hand over his face. "I guess I just expected more? We've got a good start here; don't get me wrong. But hardly any of these people are new to this fight. I thought there would be more empathy, more passion for the Resistance, more information. Just ... more. More everything."
Her brow furrows at the defeated note in his voice and Indira wracks her brain, doing her best to talk like an optimist. "Something is better than nothing," she offers. "I'm sure more people will come — it just might take some ... time. We have to be patient."
"Right, patient," Poe repeats, heavy sarcasm dripping from his tone. "You know me; I'm all about patience." He grows quieter. "I'm just worried that ..." he cuts himself off, shaking his head. "I don't know. Maybe my expectations were too high, but maybe ..."
"Maybe what?" Indira asks.
"Maybe it's me," he says.
Her eyes narrow. "What do you mean maybe it's you?"
"Well, I haven't exactly been an exemplary leader lately, have I?" He asks, lips twisting upwards into a self-deprecating smile. "I mean, all I did was get a bunch of pilots killed, lead a mutiny against my commanding officer, and nearly burn the Resistance to the ground. Everything that went wrong on the Raddus ... that's on me. Why would anyone want to join the ranks of someone like that?"
Indira gapes at him. "Someone like that?" She repeats. "You mean someone who did what he thought was the right thing to do in an attempt to save the people he cared about?"
"I staged a mutiny, in case you forgot," he reminds her, turning on his heel to walk away. "I should have been thrown out of the airlock for that."
She grabs him by the wrist. "You were desperate and scared and working off of limited information to try and keep all of us alive," Indira says firmly, forcing him to meet her gaze. "Maybe you shouldn't have done what you did, but you're human. You made a mistake. No one should judge you for that. I certainly don't and neither does Leia. She never would have put you back in command if she didn't think you deserved it. You're a good man with a good heart, Poe Dameron. People would be lucky to serve with you at their side."
Poe is silent as he looks at her, eyes burning with an intensity that makes her stomach do backflips. For some blasted reason, her mind goes back to the words he'd said to her days before — Beren, I could kiss you. Well, he certainly looks as if he wants to kiss her now.
Indira clears her throat, shoving her hands into her pockets. "So don't be too hard on yourself, Commander," she adds, looking at her shoes. "That's all."
The sound of shouting in the distance keeps Poe from responding. Indira turns in the direction of the noise, spotting a circle of people made up of new recruits and Resistance members alike. Her eyes widen with alarm when she hears the unmistakable sound of fists hitting flesh. "What the hell —"
One of the new pilots — the girl Zay from Inferno Squadron — runs past and shouts, "A fight!"
Indira and Poe exchange a worried glance and then they're both chasing after her.
The two of them arrive just in time to see a member of Phantom Squadron go tumbling into the dirt. Blood is dripping from the boy's nose as he scrambles back onto his feet, teeth barred in a feral snarl. Standing opposite of him is Teza Nasz; also bleeding from a wound on her forehead. A few pilots restrain the boy when he attempts to charge the ex-Imperial again and Jess and Kali do their best to hold Teza Nasz back.
"What in the hell?" Poe murmurs, his voice clipped with fury in a way that Indira hasn't heard in a long time. It's different from how he was with Jess; no hint of underlying fondness to be found.
"Poe," Wedge calls out from the circle of bystanders, waving them over.
They make their way to him. "Antilles, what the hell is going on?"
"Agoyo swung first," Norra Wexley supplies helpfully from her place next to her husband.
Poe shakes his head in disgust. "I'm not sure I care. We're all on the same side here. What is this about?"
"You should care," the boy with the bloody nose — Agoyo, Indira assumes — shouts angrily.
She sees Poe raise a brow at him. "Identify yourself, pilot." The kid remains stubbornly silent, glaring before he tosses his hair back from his eyes in defiance. Poe's jaw tics and it almost makes Indira laugh; as if she's watching him argue with a younger version of himself. "Name, pilot."
"Pacer," the kid spits out. "Pacer Agoyo."
"Pacer," Poe repeats. "You know who I am?"
He nods. "Poe Dameron."
"No, I'm your commanding officer," Poe corrects. "And frankly, right now I'm not impressed with what I see. I understand you've come a long way to join us from ..."
"Nuja," the boy supplies. "My dad flew with Phantom Squadron at Kashyyyk but he's dead, so I came instead."
"I appreciate your father's service, and your willingness to join the Resistance, but unfortunately, it looks like you're not a good fit for this mission. You're free to leave," Poe says flatly before turning his back on the boy.
Indira's brows raise at the swift dismissal. They weren't exactly in the kind of shape that warranted turning away help; even from hot-headed teenagers with authority issues. Poe doesn't budge, though. He keeps his back turned to the kid — almost as if he's waiting for something.
Agoyo looks conflicted, eyes flitting between Poe and Teza Nasz. The hatred burning in his eyes for Nasz indicates a prior connection of some sort and Indira wonders what the story is there. "Poe ... I mean, Commander Dameron," Agoyo says, grinding the words out. His anger is surprising to Indira. It seems more like righteous fury than teenage defiance. "I — I want to stay, sir. Please. It's just ..."
Something in his voice catches Poe's attention and he turns to look at him. "It's just what, Agoyo?"
Indira coughs subtly to get his attention. Poe glances over at her and she jerks her head in the direction of Teza Nasz.
Recognition dawns on Poe's face. "Do you two know each other?" He asks, gesturing towards the ex-Imperial.
The boy growls and balls his hands into fists. "She murdered my brother —"
"Agoyo!" Poe barks sharply. "Eyes on me. You will stop menacing Teza Nasz or I will have you thrown in the brig until you can cool down. Is that understood?"
"We don't have a brig," Indira mutters under her breath, quiet enough so that only Wedge and Norra can hear her. A faint smile flickers across her old flight instructor's face and Indira makes a mental note to greet him properly later. Antilles had been kind to her after her mother died. She had never forgotten that.
In light of Poe's threat, Agoyo's face pales. Wedge steps forward, muttering something to the kid that makes him calm, and some of the tension dissipates. Poe's shoulders sag the slightest bit with relief before he turns on the ex-Imperial. "Well?"
Indira takes her first real look at the warlord. Teza Nasz is formidable, standing at least a head taller than Poe and draped in heavy furs. Her face, streaked with paint and blood, is all sharp angles and her eyes are cold. "It's possible I killed his brother, but I don't remember," she admits coolly, her voice rough and raspy. "It's possible that I killed all of your brothers. And cousins. And mothers and fathers and former lovers. It was my job."
"Then why are you here?" Poe asks calmly.
"Because it was wrong," the woman says simply. "But I didn't know it at the time."
"You were young and ambitious," Poe guesses, "so you joined the Empire."
An expression of vulnerability flashes across her face before she nods. "Mostly hungry, but yes."
"You joined the Empire," Poe repeats, scanning the crowd and settling his stare on Wedge. "Just like you."
Wedge blinks. "It's no secret I attended Skystrike Academy," he says. "But I left once I realized what the Empire was doing."
"And your mother?" Poe asks the girl from Inferno Squadron.
Zay nods quietly. "My mother was an Imperial officer," she says, voice heavy with grief. "But she defected. She and my father. They died for the Resistance. Ask Leia. She knows."
Indira realizes then what Poe is doing and it makes her smile as she watches him put the spotlight on another one of their new recruits. "Suralinda?"
A female Squamatan steps forward almost lazily from the crowd, her sharp eyes darting around the faces. "I didn't give a care about either side much. I was ready to sell Resistance secrets if it would get me what I wanted — oh wait, I did!" She says, sounding almost bored. In the crowd, people begin to grumble their protests and Suralinda laughs. "Relax, I came around."
Poe seems almost irritated by her tactless response and he turns to Finn. "And you?"
Finn stands a little taller. "Used to be a stormtrooper, but now I'm rebel scum." He thumps his chest. "Until the end."
That wins a smile from Poe. "Officer Nakada, how about you?"
"Same here," Stefan affirms, clapping Finn on the shoulder. "Rebel scum. Couldn't have said it better myself."
"Nor could I," Wesley Pryde says quietly, his voice low beneath the buzz of the crowd.
Poe turns back to Agoyo. "My point," he finishes, "is that many of us have dubious beginnings, but it is how we end that counts."
Leia — who had been silently watching the entire exchange — steps forward and brings the crowd to a hush. "My father was Darth Vader," she begins, pausing to meet Poe's eyes. He gives an almost imperceptible shake of his head, as if to let her know that she doesn't have to say what comes next, but Leia continues. "And my son ... is Kylo Ren."
A ripple of shocked murmurs rises from the group, voices climbing higher and higher before Leia shuts them down with a single look; eyes glinting like steel. "Is there anyone who wants to question my loyalty to the Resistance?"
Under the weight of her gaze, the gathered circle wisely remains silent. Poe nods at Leia; his eyes filled with that special sort of admiration that Indira knows he reserves for his general. Only once her aunt steps back into obscurity does he resume speaking.
"Now," Poe says, setting his hands on his hips. "Is there anyone else with a grudge that needs airing? Something that's bothering them? Someone in this room that they can't wait to knife once their back is turned?"
A few chuckles echo through the crowd and the tension that had been suffocating before seems to clear away like smoke in the wind. There's a sense of unity to the group that hadn't been there previously and it makes Indira smile. Only moments before, Poe had confessed his self-doubt to her — certain that no one would want to follow him again — yet here he was bringing enemies together and making peace where there had been violence.
Except ... then someone decides to speak up from the crowd. "I got a question."
A flicker of doubt flashes across Poe's face. "Go on."
From the group of pilots in Phanton Squadron, an older, hulking humanoid male steps forward, fixing Poe with a glare. "What about you?" He asks, jabbing a finger in his direction.
Indira watches as Poe swallows nervously. "What about me?"
"I heard stories," the old man grumbles. "About what happened on the Raddus. To Holdo." He thumps his chest. "I fought with Holdo. She was a good leader."
Indira barely manages to stifle the scoff building in her throat. The events that took place on the Raddus had been an absolute clusterfuck. Poe shouldered most of the heavy burden for the blame for what went wrong, but in spite of her brave sacrifice that had saved their lives, Amilyn Holdo had not been a perfect leader by anyone's standards.
Yet instead of defending himself and saying any of these things aloud, Poe simply nods. "I agree."
"You agree?" The veteran sneers. "That's not what I heard, Poe Dameron. That's not what any of us heard." He gestures to some of the other pilots and they nod their assent. "You're the one who should be in the brig. Or better yet — tossed out of an air-lock."
"Hey," Indira snaps as she glares at the man. She steps forward, uncaring that the pilot stands several heads taller than her and that his hands look like they could crack her skull open with ease. "Don't pretend you understand what this fight has been like for us when you've been off on the sidelines for years. You weren't there on the Raddus, you don't know what it was like, and you damn well don't get to judge what we did to survive."
A few of the others who'd been on the cruiser like Connix and C'ai the Abednedo pilot echo the sentiment, voicing their support aloud. Even some people who hadn't been there — Snap and Jessika and Karé — look ready for a fight; their faces flushed with anger for their squad leader.
Poe shoots Indira a look filled with gratitude. "Thank you," he murmurs quietly before turning back to the pilot. "But ... he's right."
Poe meets the man's gaze without hesitation. "You're absolutely right. I disobeyed a direct order, I got people killed, I undermined my commander, and led a mutiny," he confesses, listing off his sins publicly. "And if you don't think that eats me up every day — every minute — then you don't know a damn thing."
Some of the grumbling from the crowd is silenced. "And yeah — you could lock me up; throw me into space. But you tell me how that helps the Resistance?" Poe demands. "How that brings down the First Order? Because trust me, if I thought my death would bring them down, I'd sacrifice myself in a heartbeat."
Indira makes a noise of protest, as do Finn and Rey. Poe looks back at them, ready to warn them off from his defense, but before he can get the words out, Jessika takes the stage.
"Poe is my squad leader and I trust him with my life," she announces, her voice fierce with loyalty. "There's no one else I want leading Black Squadron."
"He saved our butts over Grail City," Karé adds. "And at least a dozen other times before that."
"And he saved mine on Jakku," Finn pipes up.
"And mine on Crait," someone else shouts.
"And mine," cries another voice.
More and more people begin voicing their support, shouting testimonials to all the good deeds Poe had done in his service to the Resistance. Good deeds that didn't deserve to be erased because of one bad decision. Indira sees his eyes glisten before he ducks his head, overwhelmed by the show of support. When the noise dies down, Poe lifts his head and smiles gratefully at those who'd vouched for him.
"We've all made choices," he says. "Choices that caused harm, led to destruction, even at times death. We are all responsible for our deeds. The great and the terrible. But if we define ourselves only by what we've done, only by our failures, then this Resistance, this spark? It dies here and now."
There's a pause and the air is silent. Indira takes the chance to watch Poe in his element; admiring the pride in his voice and the confidence of his stance. He looks like a commander people would follow — a leader — and Indira knows she's not the only one who notices when she sees Leia's shining eyes.
"We're all here because we have a chance to change things," Poe continues. "A chance to change the galaxy. A chance to change ourselves. But we have to make that commitment — that choice. A choice ..." he struggles to find the last few words.
"A choice to be better," Zay finishes, her voice calm and strong despite being the youngest person in their group.
Poe shoots her a grateful look. "A choice to be better," he repeats with finality, resting a hand over his heart.
A few people murmur their agreement as the words sink in. Snap mutters a comment that makes some of the crowd laugh and once again, the tension begins to bleed away; this time for good. The assembly of people starts to break into smaller groups of twos and threes, eager to settle down for the night. It was late and their journeys had been long. Undoubtedly, many of them wanted to rest before whatever excitement the next day would bring.
Indira could definitely use the sleep as well. She hides a yawn behind her hand. But instead of heading off to bed, she finds herself idling towards Poe; as if she were a comet that had been pulled into his orbit. "Hey Dameron," she calls to gain his attention. "Anyone ever tell you that you're not half-bad at giving speeches?"
Poe turns to face her, a grin spreading across his lips. Undoubtedly, he is thinking of the first time she'd said those words to him. "Someone might have mentioned it once before," he replies, taking a step closer and bridging some of the gap between them. "But you should know that there's a lot more where that came fr —" he cuts himself off, eyes flickering to where Zay is standing nearby.
The girl looks a little sheepish to have been caught staring until Poe waves her over with a friendly smile. "My ... friend —" he makes a face at the word friend "— Indira was just telling me how much she liked my speech, but it didn't feel right to take credit without you," he tells the younger girl. "Thanks for the assist."
Zay blushes and Indira fights to keep a smile off her face. "I didn't mean to interrupt," she replies sheepishly. "It just felt right, what you said."
"No, I appreciate it," Poe says sincerely, running a hand through his hair. "I was losing my way out there."
The teenager shrugs. "You were doing okay." Her eyes flicker to Indira. "I'm Zay," she introduces herself, offering her a hand. "Zay Versio. Nice to meet you."
Indira shakes it quickly. "Indira Beren. Nice to meet you, too."
"Your parents were pilots?" Poe asks Zay and she nods.
"Yeah. My dad was more of an engineer, but Mom ..." her voice wavers, filled with emotion, and Indira is reminded of what she'd said earlier — that her parents had died for the Resistance. "Mom loved to fly."
Poe offers her a smile and says, "Mine too."
She perks up for a moment. "Cool." Zay looks at Indira. "What about your parents?"
Indira pauses, waiting for the usual tidal wave of grief that rushes over her at the mention of her father. Instead, there's only a small ripple; like a stone skipping across the surface of a pond. She lets out a breath that she hadn't realized she was holding.
"My mother was a senator," Indira finally begins. "And my father?" A smile quirks at the corners of her lips before she offers a conspiratorial whisper. "Well, my father was a Jedi."
Zay's eyes widen with surprise, but before she can respond, Leia's voice interrupts them. "Commander, Lieutenant!" She waves at Poe and Indira from where she has gathered a small group of people.
"Duty calls," Poe says apologetically, offering Zay a two-fingered salute and a playful wink. Indira gives the girl a small wave before jogging over to Leia.
Already, her aunt has assembled who Indira can only assume will be the reborn Resistance's new leadership. Most of the faces are familiar, but a few new ones are present, too — including Teza Nasz and, to Indira's displeasure, the hulking Phantom Squadron veteran. They all listen carefully when Leia begins to speak.
"I would like all of you to meet me in the Falcon," the general announces. Wesley Pryde is standing at her side; his face grim and unsmiling. "There's much we need to discuss now that we're all here and little time for it."
a/n: MUCH TO DISCUSS INDEED!!!! 😳😳 this was a v long chapter and i'm sorry to everyone who doesn't like those, but i don't want this book to end up being 100+ chapters and i don't want to mess up my outline too much either, so here we are 6.9k words later since i am incapable of shutting up! 🤭 general disclaimer: as i said in a previous author's note, this chapter and the next few chapters will be based off/inspired by the canon sw novelization resistance reborn, so i want to give credit there where credit is due. to all my poe dameron comic readers who have been waiting: suralinda is here!!!! 🥺💓 i genuinely feel bad about not including her sooner, but the comics weren't complete when i started writing this fic and by the time she became a major character, i didn't really have a place for her since she has a role fairly similar to kali. but what matters most is that she's here now and here to stay ✨
but on a more somber and real note: i got some difficult news today. a member of my family passed away very suddenly. he was young and it was unexpected, so everyone was really shocked and a lot of my family is devastated. i might be taking some time off writing as a result. the only reason i posted this chapter is because it was almost entirely written before i found out. i'm not sure when the next update will be. it might be soon, it might not; i don't know right now. it hasn't fully hit me yet and i'm still trying to process everything, so i might log off for a few days or however long it takes to work through those feelings. regardless, i just want to let you all know what's happening on my end in case i disappear. please be respectful during that time and don't demand updates. thank you in advance for your patience and understanding! ❤️
POSTED ON:
02.12.20