You stand in front of your husband, so close that you're almost touching, but you're not. He hasn't held you all week. His head hangs as you fix his black tie. Not because he's watching you do it... but because that's how he's been all week.
Depressed.
There's no way around it.
And you can't blame him either.
This is hard enough for you let alone him and Peggy. You can't even begin to imagine what they are going through.
You've hardly been able to reach him, to get through to him all week. He's locked himself away in the bedroom and whenever you try to speak to him he turns the other way.
"Just leave me alone, please." Is all he would say. "I just need some time."
Today is the first day you have managed to get him out of bed. And that's only because it's the day of the funeral.
He looked like a mess this morning, still does really. But at least you managed to drag him into the shower and get him to eat something.
His breath hitches and you can see his chest starting to heave, overcome by his grief again.
"Hey." You whisper and gently tilt his chin up so that you can see his face.
He won't make eye contact with you though.
"You can do this." You look at him and nod sincerely. "I love you, and I know that you're strong enough to do this. You have to do it. For him."
He bites his trembling lip, trying to fight back his tears. But all too soon they slip down his cheeks and a sob escapes his mouth. He squeezes his eyes shut, causing more tears to spill out as his face contorts with some sort of twisted agony.
It's so hard for you to see him like this. It hurts you that he won't open up to you. But for him, this is such a sudden loss of someone he loves so dearly that it must be the same kind of pain as he felt when he lost his parents, if not worse after everything he and Steve went through together. And you were there to see how much of a toll that took on him as just a teenager. You know how he deals with grief. It's the same this time as last. He needs time. He will come to you when he's ready.
Steve was probably the person he could trust most in this world, perhaps even more so than you. Or at least in a different way.
The last week has been so, so hard for everyone. The day that it happened, once they all managed to pry you away from each other and you watched as they zipped Steve up into a body bag and cart him away, it's like a shadow was cast over everyone and has been there ever since.
Bucky didn't want to let him go. He clung onto him and begged the police not to take him. He thought they were going to use his body for science and cut him up and tear him apart. Howard promised that he wouldn't let that happen and that they would get his body back so that S.H.I.E.L.D could deal with it themselves, the way that the people closest to him felt best.
With Bucky clearly needing medical attention himself it was so hard to get him to agree. He kept saying he was fine and shoving people away from him. In a way he was almost being aggressive. It was actually kind of scary. But finally, once the adrenaline of everything that had happened wore off and he started shivering and getting weak to the point of almost passing out, his body just too fatigued from the exertion, they got him on a stretcher and took him back to the S.H.I.E.L.D medical centre where they got him on some fluids, treated his minor wounds an Howard fixed his arm.
He seemed okay actually the next day, all things considered. But When he came home, that's when he stopped interacting with anyone.
Poor Peggy has had to just carry on despite her heartbreak, what with having too small children. You can tell that all she wants to do is crawl into a hole and shut the world out for a while while she deals with and processes her grief.
You feel like all week you've been too busy running back and forward after her and Bucky to actually fully process what is going on. But it's the least you can do for them. Eric went home a few days before the incident, but you kind of wish he was still here to help you out throughout this nightmare of a week.
The worst part is that nobody expected it. You were so worried about your kids that you didn't even think about what the consequences might be for the ones trying to stop it.
"Shh, Shh." You try and sooth Bucky, stroking the back of his head and pulling him in so that your forehead a touch.
Seeing him like this causes you to need to fight back your own tears as well. You've got to be the strong one today so you can't crack one little bit or else you'll break completely like everyone else already has.
"Steve wouldn't want you to be like this, you know that right?" You whimper.
He nods. "I know." He croaks. "But how can I not be?"
He pulls away from you and sinks down so that he's sitting on the bed, drawing in a few shaky breaths before finally opening his mouth to speak properly. He's hardly told you a thing about what actually happened that day. You still don't really know how it all went down.
"It should've been me." He let's put a sob and looks down at his hands trembling in his lap.
"What? Bucky! Don't say such a thing!" You gasp and crouch down beneath him so that you can look up at him, cupping his cheek and wiping it of tears.
"No." He wails, trying to turn away from you. "You don't understand." He cringes. "It was going to be me. I was falling down that cliff. He was trying to save me, and he paid the ultimate price for it."
Your heart sinks. "Oh Buck." You sigh. "He would never have wanted you to feel this way. He would never blame you. Don't you dare think this is your fault. He knew the risk he was taking when he tried to reach for you, just as you would do the same for him. We're just fortunate enough that it wasn't both of you."
"I'm just so angry," he says through gritted teeth, scowling at the floor and balling up his fists.
"Why?" You frown up at him in concern.
"At myself of course, not him. Never him. I just don't understand why I couldn't have done more. There are so many different ways this could have ended and it had to be the worst one."
"It's not the wor-"
"How could I be so stupid as to let myself loose my footing and fall in the first place? Why couldn't I have just pulled myself up that bit quicker so we could've made it to safety before the train fully slipped? Why couldn't I keep a hold of him so that I could have pulled him out of the way of the god damned train? Why didn't I just get over myself and find him faster? Maybe that way he would still be alive. Maybe that way I would still have my best friend and brother and Peggy wouldn't be a widow and their two poor little children wouldn't grow up fatherless. Steve could've been here to see it all and so much more!" He starts ranting, getting more and more upset and frustrated as he goes.
"Buck-" you try to stop him.
"Ah god I just hate fucking trains!" He explodes with a sudden rage before completely breaking down all over again, burying his face in his hands and crumpling over in a heap.
"Oh Buck." You huff sadly and wrap your arms around him, bringing his head into your shoulder and rubbing his back. "It's easy enough to think that way now, but at that time I'm sure you know deep down that there would've been absolutely nothing else that you could've done because you would've been trying your absolute hardest to prevent it."
He doesn't reply, just continues to cry.
You press a kiss to his exposed temple and just hold him there for a minute until you are interrupted by Luke poking his head in through the bedroom door tentatively. Thankfully this past week he's been pretty well behaved, or at the very least kept out of your hair and not caused any trouble. You don't think you could've handled much more this week. But he's sad too of course. All the kids are. They're really quite freaked out by the whole situation as well. They just don't fully understand it to the same extent as you guys.
"Mum?" He asks quietly when he sees the state that you guys are in.
"Yeah sweetie?" You turn to him sniffling and wiping your eyes.
"Natasha is here," he says.
"Okay, thanks for letting me know. Tell her I'll be right out."
He nods before disappearing again.
You told Natasha and Sam to come over before the funeral so that you can all go together. You haven't seen much of them this week so you don't really know how they'll be today. Howard has already organised to pick Peggy up and look after her this morning.
"Can you please try get yourself cleaned up and meet us outside in a few minutes?" You ask Bucky softly and stroke his hair out of his face so that you can see his eyes. "You work with missions right? Well your mission today is to get yourself together enough to make it through the day in one piece."
He nods as he looks at you brokenly.
"Thank you. I love you so much." You smile weakly at him and gently kiss his lips which taste salty from his tears before getting up to go and see Nat.
"Hey," you say quietly as you go out to find her in the kitchen, leaning against the bench and staring at the floor.
Her head snaps up as if she was in a daze.
"Hey," she says hoarsely.
She's dressed in a black suit tailored perfectly to her, looking smart and done up as always despite the redness in her eyes and dark circles under them indicating that she has in fact been loosing sleep over this.
"How you holding up?" You ask as you cross over to her.
She shrugs and smiles wryly. "As good as I can I guess."
"Did you want a coffee?" You offer her.
"No thanks." She shakes her head. "My nerves aren't already bad enough as it is."
Just then you hear the scuffling of feet and turn to see Bucky emerging from your guys room for potentially the first time in the last couple of days. He really does look like a wreck. He's put together in terms of his suit and hair and clean shaven face all thanks to you practically doing it for him, but you can just see that he has no spark inside of him right now. There's no energy or life or light in his face and his eyes might as well be called as dead as Steve's probably look where he lays in his casket.
At the site of him tears spring to Natasha's eyes. She immediately strides over to him and leans up on her tippy toes to wrap him up in a hug. He jumps a little, taken off guard because he was looking at the floor rather than paying attention. When she pulls away she takes his hands in hers and looks up at him sincerely.
"I have something that I want to tell you. And I think it's important that you hear it now," she says.
He frowns at her. "What is it?" He mumbles.
She looks down at their hands and lets out a breath before explaining. "I know that you don't remember, but when Hydra had you as the winter soldier I was being trained in a place called the red room."
"Natasha, where is this going? I really don't want to talk about this right now. This day is going to be hard enough as it is." He starts to pull away from her.
"No just wait. Please listen to me." She insists.
He huffs and looks up at her.
"You were hired out to the KGB and assigned to be our trainer." She explains.
His brow furrows in confusion. "Really? I-I don't remember any of that at all."
"Of course not. I don't expect you to. They probably wiped you again after it had happened so that you didn't know any of our tricks. It was solely so that we could gain yours... a one way exchange."
He just looks at her expectantly.
"The man that was in that room there training us was a completely different man to who is standing here today. You are nothing like him. The fact that Steve was the one who was able to break through all of that brain washing of the Winter Soldier to get back James Buchanan Barnes must mean a heck of a lot. I can see how close you guys were and how important he was to you. I know how hard this day must be for you. And I just want you to know that I am here for you and want to support you and your family in any way possible so please just let me know if there is anything at all that I can do for you." She finishes.
Bucky breaks into a smile for the first time all week, a sad one, but it's still one none the less.
"Thanks Natasha." He croaks, his voice cracking.
"Buck." You ask him. "No pressure at all but did you want to write a speech?"
You know that speaking in public is nerve wracking enough for him let alone when he's probably on the verge of a breakdown.
He shakes his head. "I know what I have to say. I don't need a reminder."
"Okay." Is all you can think of to reply.
~~~~
Once Sam gets there you all head off.
You knew that the funeral would be hard, but not as hard as it actually is. Of course every man and his dog shows up thinking that because they passed Captain America in the street one time that they are best friends. Not to mention the press standing in the back hanging on to every word that anyone says and trying to get the perfect shot of Peggy's grief or the Bucky Barnes or anyone else that he worked with in tears.
They do a good job of holding themselves together for the most part but you can tell that the fact that people who really have no idea who he is and are only here to get paid really just upsets them even more.
It's and open casket ceremony. You hear that his body from the torso down was extremely mangled, but his face is fine. So they put him in a nice suit and you now you wouldn't know there was anything wrong. However, as of yet you haven't managed to bring yourself to take a look a him.
Isla and Theo cling onto you the whole time and follow you right at your ankles, the whole thing a little overwhelming for them. Even Luke follows closely behind with his head bowed and hands clasped and nothing much to say. The twins just get pushed around in their pram.
Everyone who's doing a speech does them; Howard says something very heartfelt, Natasha and Sam each day something little. Then it comes to Peggy and Bucky.
Peggy does a good job of getting through most of her speech, talking about how much she loves him and always will and is so proud of him. She even says how she hates that they didn't get to spend even a year together as a married couple with only a few tears spilling down her cheeks. But it's when she gets to the part about their daughters having to grow up without him there to see them where she finally caves. With Sarah propped up on her hip because she won't let her go, you think it's when Sarah starts to really cry that she can't go on any more.
"But I know-" her breath hitches in her throat. "That you'll be watching them, and everything that they're going to achieve, from somewhere up above us with so much pride." She manages to get out before her head slumps and she starts to sob uncontrollably so that she can't get another single word out.
Sarah clings onto her and
You and Howard share a glance as if to say 'oh shit what do we do?' before you make the move to pry yourself away from your children and rush up onto the stage to usher her off stage. You guide her back to her seat and gently sit her down, crouching in front of her and wiping her mascara stained cheeks while she shakes her head and apologises profusely.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." She cries.
"Don't be, it's okay. You do not have to apologise for anything today." You whisper to her.
Once she's calmed down you retake your seat next to Bucky. He glances at you nervously, tears already brimming his eyes and you take his hand and squeeze it, feeling him shake.
"You can do this." You whisper to him before he nods and bites his lip and then stands up for his turn to speak.
The room goes silent again as he walks up to Steve's coffin, hovers there for a second taking one last look at his best friend and let's a few more silent tears fall... as if he hasn't cried enough already. Eventually, after taking his time, he makes his way to the lectern to start his speech.
"Ahem." He clears his throat and prepares himself.
He won't look up, just stares down even though there's no notes for him to look up.
"Although we weren't actually related, I always thought of Steve as my little brother. Ever since I met him I have felt this strong urge to protect him. Whether he thought he needed it or not is a different story... even though he definitely did." He starts.
A lot of people in the room let out a little laugh, but you don't actually think Bucky meant it to be funny.
"But as we got older, during the war, things started to change." He continues with a huff, his hands fumbling on the mantle. "I found myself being the one needing protection more than him. It was a big change, and it took me a long time to accept it. But he has always brought out the best in me and everyone around him. There was so much good in his heart and he made such a difference in the lives around him that I don't think the world is ever going to be the same again now that he is gone. I would not be here today if it wasn't for Steve. That goes for before the serum and after."
You can tell he's starting to get upset again, his voice quavering more and more. Finally he lifts his head, his lips trembling and his eyes red.
"Steve saved me so many times, but when he needed me the most, I couldn't return the favour." He whimpers.
Your heart sinks, knowing that he is far from right. You want to tell him that Steve would have never even made it to see the war if it weren't for Bucky, and what about when Bucky kept Steve alive and stopped him from bleeding out on a mission less than a year ago? But now is not the time or place.
He opens his mouth to speak again but all that comes out is a pained sob before he collapses over the lectern. His hands covering his head as he starts to sob all over again, his body heaving with each breath.
For the second time that day you have to get up and help someone down from in front of the crowd because they are so distraught.
Shows how much of an impact Steve has on peoples lives.
Not long after that the ceremony is over and everyone gets up from their seats, mingling around for a while before the reception feast put on to honour Steve is due to start. But while everyone else starts to rise, Bucky doesn't move. Just sits there with his head dropped, still sniffling. You reach over and put his hand in yours.
"I'm going to go have a look in the casket, say a few private words to him I think." You explain to him quietly, deciding that it's time and that you really should do so.
"Okay." He mumbles. "I'll be over in a minute."
You nod and lean over to kiss him on the cheek before standing up.
"Mummy where are you going?" Isla asks with a worried frown.
"To day one last proper goodbye to Uncle Steve. You can come if you want?" You offer her.
Her eyes go wide. "W-What does he look like?"
"Like he's sleeping darling." You smile sadly. "You won't be able to tell anything is wrong, I promise."
"He looks peaceful." Bucky chips in hoarsely.
You look back at him and place a comforting hand on his shoulder for a moment before turning back to the kids. "Does anyone else want to come say goodbye?"
Luke nods and stands up to follow you. Theo does the same, shuffling off of his chair. You grab the pram with the twins and end up heading over with all of the kids. Thank god they are being well behaved.
You find that Peggy is already up there, standing over the casket looking over Steve, crying softly as she strokes his hair. She rocks Eliza's pram slowly and Sarah tries her best to get up on her tiptoes and look over to see her dad. The poor girl, this is probably more confusing than anything for her.
"Hey," you say quietly to her and muster up a small smile.
At the sound of your voice she looks up as if only just noticing that you are there after being off in her own little space. She quickly wipes away her tears and tries to hold herself together.
"Hey." She sighs but her face remains dull and eyes empty.
"How are you holding up? If you want to get out of here I can cover for you? I understand if this is the last place you want to be."
She shakes her head and smiles sadly. "Thanks, but I need to be here. It's the least I can do for him."
"Okay." You nod in understanding. "Do you mind if me and the kids say our goodbyes?"
She she smiles sadly and steps away from the coffin. "Go ahead."
Isla peeps over the coffin and gasps. Suddenly tears spring to her eyes and her bottom lip drops.
"He really does look like he's sleeping huh mummy?" She looks back at you sadly.
You nod and stroke her hair, fighting back your own tears and trying to swallow the lump in your throat.
"I told you. He's at peace now. He's in a better place," you say hoarsely.
"C-can I touch him?" She asks.
You look back at Peggy and she nods, still managing to hold that sad smile.
Isla presses a kiss to her own hand before reaching over the coffin and touching Steve's cheek gently.
She gasps and looks back at you. "He's so cold."
You nod and smile. "Your touch will warm him up though darling."
She ponders this before turning back to him.
"Goodbye Uncle Steve, I love you and I miss you already," she says softly.
When she recoils she goes straight back to hugging your leg.
"Mummy I can't see." Theo tugs on your black dress quietly.
You lift him up so that he can see and he just stares at Steve silently.
"You gonna say bye?" You whisper in his ear and press a kiss to his cheek.
He nods before just waving, sort of in a daze about the whole thing. You put him down and move out of the way to let Luke take his turn. You don't bother showing the twins because they just won't understand.
"Goodbye Uncle Steve," he says quietly. "Thank you so much for everything you've done for me throughout the years. Thank you for teaching me to draw, for giving me a role model to look up to, for looking out for my dad so much. Thank you for helping my mum and dad with me in those early years... and now even still. You are just as much a part of our family as everyone else."
He sheds a few tears and when he steps aside you pull him in for a hug and press a kiss to the top of his head, feeling the tears really start to burn and blur in your own eyes. Finally you step up to take your turn.
You draw in a shaky breath as you take a proper look at him. He's pale, his lips are dull and his expression somber but his skin looks as soft and perfect as ever still. His hair is styled into his classic slicked up do and his suit doesn't have a single crease in it.
"I'll look after them for you, I promise." You whimper and place a gentle hand on his chest, careful not to press down. "I know it's going to be so hard without you around but we will find a way to make it work. Don't worry about us, just enjoy watching the ride. Thank you so much for being a part of me and my family's life Steve. I love you."
You take one last look at the blonde haired, blue eyed man that you knew long before he was Captain America before turning back to your family and looking over to see how Bucky is doing.
Only he's not there.
"Hey kids." You frown as you round them up. "Did any of you see where your father went?"
They all shake their heads.
But to your surprise Peggy speaks up.
"I think I know where he might have gone," she says. "Would you mind looking after Sarah and Eliza?"
Bucky's POV:
"Another bourbon please. In fact, just keep them coming if you don't mind." I mumble as I lean over the bench of the bar after having swigged back one glass already.
The bartender eyes me wearily but does as I ask.
"Of course Mr Barnes." He nods before turning around to make it.
I'm just about finished with it, about to signal for yet another one when through the warped bottom of the glass I spot someone walking towards me, slowly with their arms crossed. I sheepishly lower the glass to see Peggy, a sad smile hardly twitching up onto her lips as she slides up onto a stool beside me.
"Your wife is looking for you." She states.
My gaze drops. "Sorry, I just had to get away for a moment."
"I know the feeling." She scoffs.
I turn around to see all the press huddled in the corner, cameras on their shoulders as they tap people passing by them on the shoulder to see if they can get a quote.
"It's ridiculous right?" I nod towards them distastefully. "They have no right to be here. Steve wouldn't have wanted this. They don't even know him. Hardly anyone here probably really knew who he really was behind the shield. And they certainly wouldn't have looked at him twice if they passed him in the street before the serum."
"I know." Peggy nods as she looks over at them with something that almost looks like longing. "But even if he were here, he would just say to leave them be so long as they don't create a scene. They're only doing their job."
"He was too kind for his own good sometimes."
"I think that ultimately that was his undoing." She huffs in agreement.
"Yeah. I'm really sorry." I mumble, a pang hits me right in the chest.
She gasps almost instantly, realising what she's said. "Oh no, oh my god. James I honestly did not mean it like that."
"No, no. It's okay." I brush it off. "You're not wrong. But I'm forcing myself to come to the realisation that that doesn't make it completely my fault... only because he wouldn't want me to live the rest of my life thinking that way."
She smiles and nods. "I'm glad you are trying to see it that way. Because that is absolutely right and most definitely what he is thinking right now."
"I told him to let me go, but he wouldn't." I explain.
"See, that right there, that shows that you are just as good a man as he was. You are willing to sacrifice everything for those around you." She pokes me in the chest and looks at me sincerely.
I let out a little laugh. "Obviously learnt it from him then."
She smiles and nods before we fall silent for a moment.
"You know, when he thought you were dead he did exactly this same thing as you are doing right now. Came to a bar and tried to drink his feelings away," she says after a while.
"Great minds think alike I guess." I shrug.
"You must know by now that it doesn't work that way for you two right?" She quirks an eyebrow at me.
I nod and roll my eyes. "But a guy can try right?"
She smiles and nods. "He was devastated about you, and I can see the exact same reaction in you right now. In the saddest way possible, it's so good to know how mutual the love and respect that you two had for each other and how strong that bond really must have been."
Her voice gets weaker throughout the sentence until by the end there are tears painting her cheeks again.
All I can bring myself to do is nod and reach out to hold her hand.
She cringes as she tries to hold herself together before looking up at me with glassy eyes.
"Can we make each other a promise please?" She whimpers.
"Of course." I nod and frown, wondering what it is.
"No matter what happens. We have to keep our memory of him alive in the purest way possible. If it ever starts to get tainted we need to bring it - and each other - back down to earth again. It's what he would want. He won't want to be made a martyr or any of that fancy stuff. But as long as we know deep down who he really was at heart, that's all that matters."
All I can do is bring her straight in for a hug. "Of course. I would love nothing more than to make sure that is the case. And we also have to promise each other that we will stick together and look out for each other whenever either of us, or (Y/N), or Howard, or Sam, or Natasha, or anyone as involved in our lives as those guys, is in a bad place and feeling down. Because we are all at our strongest when we are together."
I feel her nod into my shoulder and her tears wet my shirt.
"Absolutely. Thank you Bucky." She whispers.