"There's a girl, but I let her get away
It's all my fault 'cause pride got in the way
And I'd be lying if I said I was okay
About that girl, the one I let get away."
That Girl; Olly Murs
-
The next few days were pure hell. I couldn't stay in Liege any longer. I was scared that I would meet Emily or Jasmine or Sergio. I felt so guilty about last night and I wouldn't have guts to confess my fault. And I would make things even messier.
I decided to return back to Monaco in the morning. I briefly informed Riri about my leaving, however, she didn't answer.
When I arrived, I was welcomed by an empty house. I like my own peace but suddenly the silence felt so strange and unnaturally. Till now I haven't realised how used to I was to the sound of the piano, loud TV playing pointless Italian soap operas Ariana was watching when she wanted to rest her brain and her undying chirping about everything. And now there is only silence. Painful silence. And it all happened just because of me. I let her go because I was too proud to accept her just the way she is. Because I was too proud to accept she is not what I thought she is.
She lied to me about who she was. She lied to me about her past. Because she was afraid of my reaction. And I let her down. I promised her that we would work it out and I didn't keep my promise. I threw her away like she means nothing just because she isn't perfect. She trusted me and I hurt her feelings. I guess I'm a liar too.
I decided to take a walk around Monaco to clear my mind. I put on sunglasses and cap because although I'm only in F2, I'm easily recognised by the people.
I was strolling through the streets of Monaco, hoping that the sun and the fresh air will make me feel better. At least slightly. Oh, how wrong I was. Flashbacks of my trip with Ariana were mingling in my head although I was trying to put them aside. How we were bumping into stressed and rude businessmen at Odeon Tower. How she was glowing while eating Barbajuan in Casterloe restaurant. How gorgeous she looked in a bikini. Her angelic voice. Our first kiss we shared at the pool when the moon was full and the sky was star-spangled.
I returned back to my apartment because it wouldn't make sense to continue in this walk. I sat on the couch, just staring at the wall. I've never felt so bad in my life. I've never felt so empty. I was that hopeless that I even tried to contact Ariana but she was successfully ignoring me. I really need someone to talk about it. I can't hold my emotions inside or I would explode.
My first thought was Carola. She is my best friend and she always knows how to help me. But I heard from Sergio there is some bad blood between her and Ariana. I'm afraid she wouldn't be fair-minded and would see the fault only on Ariana's side. And she is too busy anyway.
So I decided to FaceTime Alexandrina. She knows me for years and every time I or she had love troubles, we always came to the other one for advice. She is always objective and she reads in people like they are open books. And I know I can count on her every time I need it. She also knows Ariana's side of the story so maybe she can tell me how Ariana really feels about me.
"Oh well, well, well, if this isn't Mr. Charles Leclerc," she greeted me not really warmly. I guess she is pissed and I don't blame her. I really acted like a total asshole yesterday.
"I fucked up," I sighed and ran my hand through my hair in frustration, "badly."
"That's no surprise for me," she noted while she was opening a package of orange Jaffa cakes, "with whom did you sleep this time? Was she pretty?" I told you, she knows me. Maybe even more than Carola. It's scary.
"No-one," I admitted and Riri stopped with unwrapping the package, raising her eyebrows.
"No-one?" she repeated surprisingly, "but I assume you drank, didn't you?"
"Well yes...and then there was a beautiful bartender..."
"Don't tell me you didn't sleep with her. Stop lying to me, Charlie, I know you," she put the package next to her, giving me now her full attention, "I know what you do when you are drunk and pissed. You don't have to hide the truth. I promise I won't tell a soul."
"I almost did. But she was so similar to Ariana...and I couldn't do it. I couldn't sleep with another woman," I admitted and Riri bit her lip to suppress a smile, "what is so funny about it?"
"Nothing," she shrugged, „just...I told Ariana that you loved her but she didn't believe me. I mean seriously, have a little faith in me."
"Did she said something about me?" I asked carefully, trying to hide the excitement inside me.
"That she had been stupid to believe you. And that she didn't feel happy in Monaco." I would lie if I said these words didn't hurt me. I had no idea she is unhappy, she never told me about it. She always seems so bubbly and easy-going, but she was keeping her problems inside. And the truth is that we didn't talk much recently. I haven't realised how distant we became, I don't remember the last time we really talk or do something together. Maybe when we played the piano? But that's quite a while. And since then...nothing. Only arguments and heartbreaks.
"Do you know where is she now?" Suddenly I felt a big urge to talk with her. To gain back her trust and her love.
"I do," Riri simply answered.
"Where?"
"Why should I tell you?" she crossed her arms over her chest.
"Please, Riri, I want to talk with her," I was begging but Riri stayed obdurate, "I want to make it up to her."
"But she doesn't want to. She is somewhere and she really isn't mooning over your presence. Can you just leave her alone for once?" she raised her voice and slightly smashed the table with her palm.
"But you don't understand..."
"No, now listen to me, Charles, because you are the one who doesn't understand," Riri harshly cut me off, making my eyes widen, "you think that you know her. The truth is that you don't. You don't know what she's coming through. She didn't have the luck to have a childhood like you. She lost her parents when she was going into puberty. She didn't have anybody to protect her. She didn't have anybody to talk with about her insecurities. She was growing into a woman and she was confused. There was no-one to tell her that it's ok. It's ok that her body is dramatically changing. It's ok having a mess in her head. It's ok not knowing who she is yet. That's what adolescence is all about. To find your purpose. But how could Ariana know about her purpose? She wasn't going to college, she couldn't find out what she likes to do. She only knew anxiety, dirt, and hunger. She felt like she is nothing. She didn't understand why she is still alive if she's useless. There was nobody who would tell her how great and unique she is. Why? Because nobody cared about her. Everybody was just hurting her. That's why she has trust issues. And people, who she thought cared about her, gave her only hurt. Including you."
"But I care about her! I didn't mean to hurt her!" I interrupted her.
"Then you have a very strange way of showing love, Charles. I'm not saying it was right from Ariana to not tell you the whole truth about herself. But when I heard about your reaction I actually don't blame her. You told her that you regretted breaking up with your ex-girlfriend and that you didn't believe her. What did you expect will happen? You made her feel useless again and I doubt she will forgive you that easily."
"Do you think I don't know this? Why do you think I called you? Because I've been torturing myself for days and keeping my emotions inside. But I can't anymore. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix it," I sighed and put my head into my hands.
"The problem is your pride," Alexandrina spoke up and I looked at her, "you thought you know Ariana. Suddenly your expectation didn't meet up with the reality. And you were too proud to accept her just the way she is," See? That's what I was talking about in the beginning. I found out that Ariana isn't that perfect as I thought. And then I started questioning my feelings towards her. Suddenly I didn't want to have anything with her. Because I wasn't able to trust her, it wasn't the same Ariana to me anymore. And I didn't even hear her out, I stopped caring about her. I didn't care that she moved on from her past and she is different now, I was too pissed so I saw her just as a cold-blooded murderer and liar.
"Listen," Alexandrina said softly and I stopped fighting with the various thoughts stacking in my head, "you know I'd love to see you back together because I think you are meant for each other. But I don't think it's a great idea to go after her and try to change something. I'll try to persuade her to go to Monza but I'm not sure if she would want to go. Charles, you have to promise me that you'll give her time to cool down."
"I can promise you that," I smiled brightly, making Riri chuckle, "thank you, Riri."
"You can be a pain in the ass but I would still do anything for you," she noted and I giggled at her words. Suddenly I got a message from my trainer about what kind of exercises I want to do today.
"Anyway, I have a gym session in," I glanced at my watch after I briefly read the message, „10 minutes?!" I yelped, "Merde! I should get ready." I was so busy with my emotions that I almost forgot about my training. God, I really need to focus if I want to do good in Monza.
"Before you'll go," I was about to say goodbye and end the call when Riri spoke up again, "when I talked with Ariana before she left...she said something that could interest you," she hinted with a smirk.
"What?" I asked eagerly and moved closer to the phone.
"She said that she was ready to combat and give you a chance if you changed your mind. But," she lifted her index finger in the air, "don't do any victory dances yet. She was very unsure about it. You have a very difficult mission in front of you so you better not screw it up even more. Because if you do, she will fly away from you like a bird from an open cage. And you won't catch her again. Understood?" She asked me and I didn't hesitate a second with an answer.
"Understood!"