yujin
"Yuj, gising na."
i scratched my eyes, while trying to look up.
alam ko naman na it was minjoo who woke me up. i spent the night here yesterday, because my parents insisted to.
syempre, i had no choice.
"I baked cookies. Maghanda ka na rin, they'll be here in a few." minjoo said, habang nakangiti.
my eyes shot wide when i heard her. i wasn't aware of the time, at nakita kong it was already 2:30 in the afternoon.
and not only that, nagulat rin ako nung sinabi niyang nagbake siya. she hasn't cooked anything before, as long as i can remember.
"Nagluluto ka?" i asked. i heard her chuckle as i sat up from my bed, reaching out to my phone on the bedside table. but then i noticed, wala yung phone ko don.
"Uh, yes?"
maybe i misplaced it, i thought.
minjoo sat down, with her eyes on me. "No you don't. Di pa nga kita nakikitang magluto eh." i looked back at her.
it was almost like a normal day for us. or at least, for me. feeling ko, i already got used to this.
ever since that day, we got a little more open to each other. and when i got drunk nung isang araw, that was a plus.
i'm not gonna lie, it was comfortable being with her.
"Tanga, ako nagluto nung hangover soup mo."
to my surprise, she leaned in quick, and gave me a peck on the lips.
i smiled at her, and she dragged me out of the room.
and maybe, just maybe, that what i said about learning to love her wasn't all just a lie.
"YUJEN!! MINJONG!! BUKSAN NIYO NA TO!!" rinig kong sigaw ni yena mula sa labas.
hindi ko ba alam dito, hindi ata alam yung salitang hiya.
kakatapos ko lang maligo, at wala akong ibang suot kung hindi yung sports bra ko at yung jogging pants.
and for sure, iinisin nanaman ako nitong mga to.
hindi ko naman kasi inexpect na dadating sila in exactly 5 in the afternoon, kaya hindi muna ako naligo at nagayos. instead, tinulungan ko nalang si minjoo magayos ng mga gamit para hindi masyadong mahirapan yung mga katulong nila sa bahay.
their personal chef was busy preparing desserts we requested, kaya less hassle.
so wala akong choice but to open the door since minjoo's still in the bathroom, and the maids were now cleaning the backyard.
"Bakit naman-"
natigilan ako sa pagsasalita dahil pinaghahampas nila ako bago ko pa sila papasukin.
"Tangina, bastos! Magdamit ka muna bago mo kami papasukin!"
"Arte mo Yena, wala ka lang abs eh!"
"Ganda outfit mo Yujin, kaso baka may kiligin dito-"
"Ha?" tanong ko. pumasok na ako agad kaya hindi ko na narinig yung mga sinabi nila.
"Wala. Sabi namin magdamit ka na." sagot naman ni eunbi, na umupo na agad sa couch.
napakunot ako ng noo. i mean, appropriate naman suot ko, tinignan ko naman yung mga mukha nila chaeyeon and ayos lang naman sakanila.
unless- ah, si wonyoung.
i observed her face. she's okay, she's used to it, and why would i bother?
(but if yujin was a little more observant, she would've noticed how wonyoung was all eyes to anyone and anything but her, ears red.)
"Arte nito. Ang aga niyo kasi dumating, kaya wala akong choice. Dapat nga matuwa kayo kasi-" napahinto ako ng binato ako ni yena ng unan.
natawa ako. di pa rin sila nagbabago kahit konti.
"Hoy, kapal ng mukha mo! Asan na ba si Minjoo, dapat siya nalang nagbukas eh!" sigaw niya.
"Bakit on time kayo? Bago yon ah?"
napatingin kaming lahat sa nagsalita. of course, it was minjoo.
after a few minutes, i excused myself para umakyat at magbihis na.
and wonyoung suddenly entered my thoughts.
that made me think of her expression kanina. it was almost like, she didn't care, at all. na para bang hindi man lang niya napansin yung presensiya ko.
of course, i care. and i was a bit hurt.
and then i remembered, i fucked up.
we could've had a decent conversation kung hindi lang sana ako nagpakalasing.
but if we did, would that change anything?
almost all of them are preparing balloons and stuff, and some were on their phones. magpapadeliver siguro.
"Ayan na ata yung pizza, Yena kunin mo nga!" sigaw ni chaeyeon.
at malamang sa malamang, ngayon lang talaga bibili ng mga pagkain tong mga to.
then i noticed, all of us were having fun. nagtatawanan, nagdadaldalan.
it was all too simple, but these were the faces that i wanted to see every time.
ayoko na lalong umalis.
"Mukha kang asong nakangiti diyan ah, miss mo agad kami?" banggit ni eunbi.
they all turned to me, smiling and cooing. napatawa lang ako. "Oo na, sige na, baka maiyak pa kayo eh." biro ko, habang papunta sa kusina.
"Sakura! Wag mo muna kainin yan, maduya ka!" sigaw ni yuri, na kumakain ng junk food sa sala.
"O, bakit ikaw? Ikaw lang pwede kumain?" sagot pabalik ni sakura.
all of us laughed at the scene, including her.
i never thought that i would see her smiling that wide bago ako umalis. these past few days, i caused her too much pain.
i smiled. but still, i felt like i needed to talk to her.
pero sa totoo lang, i didn't want to think about her that much. i do not want to have any regrets when i leave.
to distract myself, ibinaling ko ang tingin ko kay minjoo, na nasa sulok ng kusina, umiinom ng tubig.
"Joo, ano gagawin mamaya?" tanong ko.
nasa counter table ako, kumakain ng natirang cookies na binake niya kanina.
"Games? Swimming? Nga pala, magoovernight ba kayo?" malakas na tanong ni minjoo.
naglakad siya papunta sa pwesto ko. and when she did, she sat down beside me.
"Hindi na, para makapagpahinga kayo for the flight." sagot ni chaeyeon, na may hawak hawak ng tatlong malalaking box ng pizza, at ibinaba ito sa dining table.
yena also came carrying boxes of pizza, at napansin kong dumating na rin yung iba nilang inorder.
when i was about to get up to help them, minjoo pulled me down, and gave me a kiss on my right cheek.
"Wha-"
"Ayoko lang ng may tumitingin sayo."
when she said that, i knew that there was a reason.
i stood up and looked away, trying to disregard the fact that wonyoung actually passed by us when minjoo did that.
an hour passed and finally, everything was all in place.
we decided to play truth or dare. i don't know why, pero i feel nervous about playing this.
"Yujin, pa-airdrop nung pics ko. Ipangi-icon ko lang." sabi ni hitomi, who's on her phone.
i was confused kung bakit ipapa-airdrop ni hitomi yung pics niya when i didn't have my phone.
"Wala sa akin yung phone ko ah?" sagot ko, at ngayon, i started wondering kung san yun napunta.
"Huh? Eh kanino yon?"
i used it yesterday at dinner when i was bored, and when i got home to play games.
fuck. hindi kaya?
i was about to ask minjoo who's beside me, but then, "Akin yon." minjoo handed her phone to hitomi, who immediately started to transfer her pictures sa phone niya.
"Ay naks. Couple phone? Ganon ba pag mayaman?" pabirong tanong ni sakura, at nagtawanan naman sila. while they were all teasing each other, i took the chance to ask her.
"Nakita mo ba phone ko?" bulong ko.
i started getting nervous. tangina. there was a high chance na nabasa niya yon.
"Oo, nasa drawer. And don't worry, i'm not mad." she said, tone soft. however, it feels like her eyes were telling me something.
"Nagseselos lang ako, because now that i've seen her actually say that she loves you, iba yung pakiramdam." she paused.
to my surprise, yet again, inilapit niya lalo ang kaniyang mukha sa akin.
"Let me be selfish for once, Yujin." she went and whispered to my ear.
and when i thought she's over, "Sa akin ka lang muna ngayon." dagdag niya.
tangina. i felt hot, and i can't help but to immediately check everyone's faces. specifically her. she looked bothered, and was trying to fit in with them.
i mean, who wouldn't be bothered? fuck, she did that in front of all of them!
"Huy, pinagbubulungan niyo diyan? Magsisimula na oh!"
and thankfully, hyewon saved my fucking day. tangina. i feel like i can't move on after that.
pero ang hindi ko ikinagulat, si minjoo. of course, she'd look calm. like she did nothing. like she didn't make my head go fucking crazy.
"Wala, business shit lang." minjoo answered, smiling.
i shook my head, in hopes of forgetting that.
and finally, chaewon spun the bottle.
sa bawat ikot nito, tangina, mas lalo akong kinakabahan.
if minjoo could do that, right in front of everyone, what more? and add the fact that i haven't seen minjoo bitch around like this since months.
she'd literally do anything shamelessly.
"Nako! Truth or dare?"
"Uh.. Truth?"
we all eyed each other, knowing fully na nahihirapan kami na magisip ng tanong para kay nako.
nako was like an open book, so ano pa ba ang maitatanong namin?
"Bakit ayaw mo pa rin sabihin sa amin kung sino crush mo?" sakura asked.
in our circle of friends, lagi naming naitatanong kay nako 'yan. her response? laging sasabihin ko nalang next time, or di naman kaya ididivert niya ang usapan from that. and to be honest, her ways actually works. kaya ayon, we gave up.
"Hmm... Okay. Fine, sasabihin ko na. Paalis rin naman na si Yujin at Minjoo, so..."
"Oh my god don't tell us? Sino sa kanila crush mo-" natigilan naman sa pagsasalita si yena nang batukan siya ni nako.
nako heaved a big sigh, and what she said next, is what we didn't expect.
"Asexual ako."
oh my god.
and we froze.
it's only the first question, yet it was already surprising. hindi talaga namin inexpect na nako would reveal her sexuality to us in that way.
but regardless, proud kami sakaniya.
"What? Bakit gulat na gulat kayo?"
"Tanga, gustong gusto mo Twice! Lakas mo magfangirl, kaya di talaga namin alam!"
"Oh ngayon alam niyo na, kaya yung mga may tinatagong hinanakit diyaan, sabihin niyo na rin!" sagot ni nako, habang tumatawa.
her gaze fell on wonyoung for a couple of seconds. it was obvious na siya ang tinutukoy niya.
"Oo nga, diba?" dagdag ni eunbi. napansin ko rin na dumaan ang kaniyang tingin mula kay wonyoung, papunta sa amin ni minjoo.
now everyone knows that it's us.
at alam ko rin na by now, minjoo's circle already knew about wonyoung and me. or not. or baka they're just aware na nagkagusto si wonyoung sa akin.
tangina. the last thing i wanted to happen was everything being all messed up again. kaya eto ako ngayon, kinakabahan. kung matapatan man si wonyoung, ako, or worse, si minjoo, who knows what would happen?
and that's it.
hyewon started spinning the bottle.
with every spin, parang lumalamig lalo yung kaunting pawis ko.
lalo na't nung natapatan si wonyoung ng bote, at agad na hinawakan ni minjoo yung kamay ko.
"UY, ETO NA!" hyewon exclaimed.
napahigpit ang hawak ko kay minjoo ng hindi ko namalayan.
napansin ko lang yon nung nakita ko ang tingin niya sa mga kamay namin, at lalong hindi nakatulong yung pwesto niya.
she was sitting right in front of us, with a smirk.
"Kayo bahala. I'll go with truth and dare." wonyoung said calmly, with her eyes still on our direction.
ang pagkakaiba lang, direkta siyang nakatingin sa akin.
and her eyes were empty.
"Fuck, gago, you mean both? As in, truth, and dare?" gulat na tinanong ni chaewon.
wonyoung nodded. "Hala, hindi no! Pili lang kayo isa."
napatango naman sila at nagpatuloy sa paguusap. they were discussing for a question, and even squealing or laughing at times.
and ovviously, we're not included.
"So, uhm," eunbi cleared her throat. "Ayaw namin masyado mag-spark up ng issue, pero eto." eunbi paused, checking everyone's reactions.
i gave her a glare, but she didn't even budge. tangina. she's already sparking up an issue. and, note the fact na kung kailan aalis kami, dun sila gagawa ng drama.
"Mahal mo pa rin?" pagtuloy niya.
everyone squealed and screamed. of course, i can't help but check both of their reactions.
wonyoung was obviously taken aback, and minjoo was just... throwing glares at her.
but one thing. i didn't really care about her answer.
syempre, it'll be just no or no.
or so i thought.
"Syempre, oo."
at that moment, it felt like their growing screams became silent. everything died down. lahat ng nasa paligid ko, parang nawala katulad ng isang bula.
napalunok ako sa tingin niya sa akin. mixed feelings. na para bang hindi niya ako hinahayaang mabasa kung ano yung nararamdaman niya.
pero lahat ng iyon, tumigil nung nagsalita si minjoo.
"Ikutin niyo na uli, dapat ako yung sunod."
with that, lumakas lalo ang kanilang mga sigaw, kasama na yung pagtibok ng puso ko.
it's what i'm afraid of.
kung ano yung magagawa ni minjoo.
iniikot na nila muli ang bote. at ngayon, binitawan na ni minjoo ang kamay ko.
relief washed over me for a second. nakahinga na rin sa wakas yung kamay ko. she was holding on it so tightly, lalo na nung sinabi ni wonyoung iyon.
and then everything went with minjoo's way when the bottle landed on her.
lahat sila, mas lalong umingay. para bang nanonood ng laro. pero tangina, this is more nerve-racking. parang sasabog lahat ng mga ugat ko.
"Truth."
"Ano masasabi mo kay Wonyoung?" eunbi asked, and wonyoung widened her eyes at her.
eunbi mouthed along the words of, 'ayos lang yan' while smiling, and we didn't even know how to react to that. everyone's confused and complaining na 'pinalaki mo lang yung gulo, tama na' to her, but eunbi isn't bothered.
instead, she looks confident with her question.
"Sinasaktan mo lang sarili mo."
minjoo said that with firmness.
wonyoung stared at her blankly, and mumbled something under her breath, at narinig naming lahat yon.
"I know." that's what she said, with a bitter smile.
tangina. hanggang ngayon, sumasakit pa rin yung puso ko.
if only i could go and drag her away from this, kanina ko pa ginawa. i couldn't do anything because her face said so.
it showed the complete opposite of what she looked like a while ago. ngayon, she looks like she settled with what looks like she feels right now.
acceptance.
fuck. so she really let me go, huh?
"Kain na tayo, baka gumulo pa lalo eh. Tara, mamaya nalang." chaeyeon said while standing up, and the rest hesitated but slowly followed her too.
sinundan ko na rin sila, at nagsimula na kaming kumuha ng pagkain.
i tried to avoid her.
i said to myself na hindi ako lalapit. hindi ako magpapaapekto.
pero sa tuwing nakikita ko siya, nakangiti o tumatawa, mas lalo akong nahihirapan na itanggi na ayaw kong makipagusap sakaniya.
it's always that feeling na parang tumutulak sa akin. yung kirot. yung hapdi. and the way she acted looked like walang nangyari kanina? tangina. pakiramdam ko isang libong kutsilyo yung tumusok sa akin.
sa bawat tanong sakaniya ng, 'totoo ba yon? sa truth or dare mo?' she would always find a way just to avoid questions. and at the same time, she looked fine. like it was all okay. like we're okay.
pero hinde.
nararamdan ko yung titig niya. kahit na madilim at ang tanging tv lang ang nagpapailaw sa kwarto.
i'm not gonna lie.
gustong gusto ko na kumawala sa hawak sa akin ni minjoo. through out the movie, wala siyang ginawa kung hindi yakapin at halikan ako sa bawat oportunidad na makukuha niya- specifically, tuwing nakatingin si wonyoung.
"Yujin."
sa gulat ko, napalingon ako agad sakaniya. she's tugging my arm, obviously asking for attention.
"Oh, bakit?" tanong ko.
it's somehow useless. during the past hour, all she did was steal kisses. at halata naman, na she's really needy ngayon.
wala akong magawa. may reaksyon, syempre, pero lahat ng atensyon ko'y nakatuon pa rin sakaniya.
ilang oras nalang, aalis na sila at hindi na kami makakapagusap.
ilang oras nalang, hindi na ulit kami magkikita.
at least for a few years.
and i can't endure that.
"What do you want from her?" she said flatly. wala ring emosyon.
she already knows. and most probably, kaninang kanina pa niya napapansin.
i decided to not hesitate and tell her what i really wanted. "Makipagusap." sabi ko, habang nakaharap sakaniya.
"I trust you but I don't trust her. Hindi mo ba napapansin kung pano ka niya tignan?" she paused, letting out a small scoff. "She's still in love with you. Like she's about to kiss you and beg you to be with her with those teary eyes of hers."
minjoo said that while analyzing my face.
i was annoyed. especially nung sinabi niya yon. wonyoung? begging? she isn't the type of person to be like that.
it should be the other way around.
hindi ako yung dapat niyang pagkatiwalaan. for all i know, it's wonyoung. siya yung dapat niyang pagkatiwalaan.
because i'm the one who would kiss her and beg her to be with me. ako yon. not wonyoung. and it will never be her.
"I'll go."
hindi ko na hinintay yung reaksyon niya at tumayo na ako agad.
i pulled out my phone, and gave her a text.
~
7:04 PM
Yujin
garden.
Wonyoung
what?
Yujin
ang bilis mo magreply ha? did you expect this when i got out?
Wonyoung
stop beating around the bush. ayoko makita ng girlfriend mo na ako yung tinetext mo.
Yujin
nasa labas ako. sa garden nila, backyard.
Wonyoung
edi nandiyan ka. bakit kailangan mong ipaalam?
Yujin
magusap tayo.
Yujin
i'll be waiting.
~
i tapped my shoes to somehow ease myself. kinakabahan ako. any second, we'll be talking again. but this time, it's going to be different.
i heard footsteps coming from behind.
i turned around, and i saw her.
the lights from the lamps around the garden shone right at her face, and it highlighted her features.
tangina.
the way my heart is beating, it feels like it could come out at any second.
it's the feeling of falling in love, again and again.
"So, you came." ani ko, habang nakangiti.
i sat down at the nearest bench i could find, and i patted the space beside me, for wonyoung to take a seat.
and to my surprise, she really sat. i wasn't really expecting her to, lalo na't we're in a complicated situation.
"Wag kang madrama. We're literally just a few meters apart. You really thought you did something, huh?"
"I really did. Napapunta kita, no. Big deal na sa akin yon," i smiled a little at that thought. "Mind telling me what's on your mind?"
"Parang ako dapat yung magtanong sayo niyan. Anong pumasok diyan sa isip mo at ginagawa mo to?"
obviously, she's mad, and it shows.
but what doesn't? it's the fact na gusto niya akong makausap.
there's one thing na kailangan talaga naming pagusapan. to hopefully resolve all this. to finally end this circle of complicated events.
a closure.
"Alam mo naman na ata-"
"Bakit di mo nalang ako diretsuhin? Ha, bakit?" she paused, tears welling in her eyes.
i tried my best to not get close. at least, for now. kasi if i did, mas lalo lang kaming mahihirapan- akong mahihirapan.
no one wanted this to happen.
pero paano ako aalis ng hindi ko to nagagawa? ng hindi ko man lang napapagaan yung mga nararamdaman namin kahit konti?
"Tangina, Yujin. Sana sinabi mo nalang na iiwan mo rin ako. Hindi yung pinaikot-ikot mo pa ako." humarap siya sakin, habang umiiyak. "Hindi yung ginagawa mo pa akong tanga."
i can't help but to look away.
ilang sandali na lang rin, we're going to be in the same state. hindi ko mapipigilan yung pagtulo ng luha ko.
hinding-hindi ko mapipigilan yung pagsira ng puso ko.
"I-I'm sorry-"
"I know. Pero wala na yang magagawa." she firmly said, kahit na tuloy-tuloy pa rin yung pagpatak ng luha niya.
totoo. wala akong magawa.
i thought we started at a good note. putangina, i never expected it to be like this.
paulit-ulit na lang naming sinasaktan yung mga puso namin.
"F-Fine, then." i paused. parang nawalan ako ng sasabihin.
"Tangina, Yujin, hindi mo pa rin ba sasabihin? Paiikutin mo na lang ba ulit?" she said, staring straight at me.
at oo, i really do. kahit halos wala nang tyansa, gusto ko pa ring subukan.
"Sorry. I didn't want to cut you off," i heaved a big sigh. "Pero sabihin mo lang sa akin, Wonyoung. Just tell me you still love me and we'll get out of here."
i know. alam kong wala nang patutunguhan yung sinabi ko pero i just feel the need to say it.
kahit wala nang mararating.
gusto kong ipaalam sakaniya na gusto ko pa rin. gusto kong subukan uli yung kami. ng magkasama.
kasi sobrang sayang.
alam namin sa sarili namin na mahal namin yung isa't isa. sa totoo lang, that's enough reason for me.
to fight for what we have.
kaso putangina ng tadhana, hindi man lang kami pinagbigyan.
"Kahit sabihin ko yon, walang magbabago, Yujin. Hindi ako papayag," humikbi siya ng mahina. "Kaya please. Tapusin na natin to,"
"Tapusin na natin kung anong meron sa atin."
para akong binagsakan ng mundo nung marinig ko yon.
pero yun nalang rin naman yung hinihintay ko.
i silently agreed, biting back my tears.
wonyoung walked away.
and i heard her say i love you.
softly, and hopefully not for the last time.
-
n o t e
hELLO HEHE so i came back,, after 2 months ba?? hHHAJSHAJSH and ayon!
i really have nothing much to say, sorry ulit for the wait and!!
please stay at home UNLESS you really have to. wash your hands. take vitamins. eat healthy food. and stay hydrated!!
let's all wait, support, and pray for our health-workers, na lumalaban for this.
this will be all gone soon.
stay safe!