Chapter Notes: Caleb's POV
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- 'Moonchild, you shine, when you rise, it's your time. . .' -
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The night air was cold, a drastic change from the day's earlier warmth. From the backyard of the den, I stared out at the acres of land that had belonged to my family for generations. Land that stretched as far as the eye could see, creating the illusion of freedom, but, in actuality, was and had always been a sort of prison. Not just for me but for many wolves that came before me. Even so, spending most of my life shackled and barricaded inside of its confinements could not change the fact that this place was my home.
Mine, the pack's, and Ava-Rain's.
I had sworn to them all that they would be safe here. That I could protect them here. But the more my eyes rolled over the dips and bends of the hills and scanned the thousands of trees that lined the outskirts, the more I wondered if this land truly was a home or if it had been my desperate need to belong somewhere that made it into something it was never meant to be.
'We're not stupid. We're heirs of the yellow, which means we have the ability to think a lot more logically and rationally than most. This wolf was willing to kill a human for your sake, which means there's something about you that's worth killing for. Something about you that's more important than the life of your true mate; a secret that someone is willing to go to great lengths for to protect. Who are you? What are you?'
Gray did not get the answer that he probably, in all honestly, did not truly care to hear. Not because I was a lowly mixed blood with mixed blood problems that his privileged self could never relate to, but because, as an heir of the yellow, he was not stupid. Like he said, my secret was one that could get somebody killed if they came to learn it. He had, after all, been instructed to kill Ava-Rain by his alpha to protect that very secret. Curiosity would only end up getting him killed, and although I would not shed a tear if he were to meet his end, I swore a long time ago that no wolf would ever die for my sake.
Never again.
As the thought crossed my mind, a shiver ran up my spine but was quickly chased away by a flood of warmth that spread throughout my entire body. I sensed my mate's presence before she made herself known, as I had learned some time ago that watching me in silence was a favourite past time of hers. Smiling to myself, I gave Ava-Rain no more than a minute before calling out to her. My need to hold my mate close was far greater than her need to observe me from afar.
"Come here." Without even turning my head in her direction, I reached out my hand for her to take.
"Creepy," she replied. Her hand slid into mine within seconds as she walked around to stand in front of me. "How did you know that I was standing there? Were your spidey senses tingling?" She lowered to her knees, a bright smile on her face.
After the day's earlier events, it was good that she was smiling.
"I always know when you're watching me."
She scoffed, knowing full well that she was caught. "I don't know what you're talking about." She turned her body as if to stand, but because our hands were still connected, I gently tugged her back so that she fell into my embrace.
"Liar," I wrapped my arms securely around her waist and buried my head in her neck, inhaling her scent mixed with my own thanks to my hoodie she was wearing. "Tell me, what do you think about when you're watching me."
She placed her arms on top of mine. "That wolves and mysterious, gorgeous boys will both tear me to shreds."
I chuckled because I had not heard that in a while. "What else?"
"That you're too beautiful for your own good. Like, seriously, do you know the burden that girlfriends have to carry when they're dating someone so good looking? Girls be crazy out in these streets, Caleb."
"Let them be crazy. I'm yours and yours only. What else?"
"Mmm. . .That I don't know what your favourite colour is."
"Brown. What else?"
"Brown? Well, that's very random. I mean, what kind of brown are we talking exactly? Dark brown? Light brown? Burgundy-ish brown or like a nude-y kind of brown? I need specifics!"
"I'll tell you tomorrow while the sun is out."
"The sun? What does the sun have to do with the colour brown?"
I could have told Ava-Rain that I needed the daylight to look into her eyes and perfectly describe to her in detail the exact shade of brown that they were but that probably would have lost me too many brownie points. So, instead, I pressed my lips against her neck and continued on with the interrogation.
"What else?"
Unlike the three previous quick responses, the fourth came after nearly half a minute of pondering.
"Sometimes I think. . .I wish. . .that I could heal your pain."
"My pain? It's that obvious, huh?"
"When I watch you, I don't look at you like you're broken or need to be fixed because there's nothing wrong or imperfect about you. I look at you and I think, 'Wow, he's beautiful and precious. How does someone like him, who is all of those things, get stuck with someone like me, who is his complete opposite in every way?'.
"I can't outrun you. I can't physically match you. I can't. . .I can't do for you what a wolf can do for you. I can't fully understand the decisions you make or the ones that you don't. I can't protect you. I can't heal your scars. When I look at you, sometimes. . .sometimes I just can't help but stare and think that you deserve more. More than the hand you were dealt. More than a life hidden in darkness. More than. . .more than a human mate who will never be able to heal your pain."
"You loving me heals me, Ava-Rain. Touching me, kissing me, talking to me, being with me heals me. Every breath you breathe, every smile you give, every beat of your heart heals me."
My father helped me come to that literal realization while Ava-Rain had been unconscious. A wound that should have healed within hours had not been able to do so while my mate's life was in jeopardy.
'Love can be the deadliest of poisons yet the strongest of cures.'
"While you were unconscious, I couldn't physically heal from a few broken ribs I obtained during the fight with the pure bloods. I hadn't even noticed until my father pointed it out." Lifting my hand to her face, I turned it enough so that we could look directly at each other. "You may not be as fast as me or as strong as me, but you sure as hell are the fuel to my fire, Ava-Rain. Don't you ever say that you can't heal me."
She smiled softly, but it didn't reach her eyes. "Really? You don't. . .sometimes. . .think that maybe it would be easier if you had a wolf as a mate? To have a relationship like your parents?"
"My parents? When I was a kid, my parents slaughtered an entire pack of mixed bloods who came to learn my true identity as an heir of the four. I love them, and that love, whether I like it or not, enables me to understand the things that they've done and the choices they've made but I would never want to be like my parents."
"What?" Ava-Rain pulled away from my chest—an action I anticipated the moment the words slipped past my lips. But just as the warmth from her body against mine dissipated and coldness began to fill the gap between us, she turned around on her knees to face me and took my face in her hands.
I tried to avoid her gaze, scared that I might have seen something that I could never unsee reflected back at me. Scared that I might have to watch as she told me that this—my very messed up life full of past secrets that hid in every darkened corner of our relationship—was more than she could handle. Scared that, despite the promise we made to each other to be honest and talk things out instead of hiding along side those secrets, we would always end up reverting back to our old ways by keeping each other at an arm's length away.
So, off in the distance behind her, desperately, I looked towards the moon.
But, as unintentional as it was on Ava-Rain's part, in an attempt to keep our eyes connected her head moved and immediately blocked my view. As if she were saying, 'I know. I know that, for so long, the moon has been your safe place and your protector. But I'm here now. Let me be that for you. Let me be your moon and find solace in me.'
What other choice did I have in that moment than to allow my mate to be what I had just professed that she was minutes prior?
"Caleb. . ." Her gaze held a great deal of sadness, but there was no pity nor fear. Wrapping her arms around my neck, she hugged me tightly. "You don't have to talk about it."
Wrapping my arms around her, needing to keep Ava-Rain as close as possible, I told her.
"I made a mistake and told another kid my secret. That kid unintentionally told his parents, who then tried to blackmail my parents and. . .well, it didn't end too well for them."
The nightmares that haunted me for a great deal of my childhood had recently resurfaced. Of course, I was no longer a kid but, even at twenty-three, I still woke up from those nightmares fully submerged within and engulfed by a child's fear.
"I remember waking up in the middle of the night to the sounds of bone-chilling screams and the haunting cries of mothers begging for their pups to be spared. I was more scared than I had ever been in my entire eight years of life, but I somehow managed to overcome that fear to find out what was happening.
"When I made it outside, I. . .there were lifeless bodies everywhere. Some whole, most torn to pieces. Men, women, kids. . .all gone. Well, all but one—the friend I told my secret to. I'll never forget the look on his face as he stared at the massacre of his entire pack. No tears. No shock. No fear. No disbelief. No sadness. No anger. No thirst for revenge. Just. . .peace. It wasn't until many years later that he told me the reason behind his reaction."
"Wait," Ava-Rain pulled her head back to look at me. "Your parents didn't. . ."
"Kill him? Trust me, they meant to finish off the last member still standing. I was still scared shitless, but my terrified eight year old self found a shred of courage to stand in front of my parents as they approached the kid and tell them that if they were going to kill him that they would have to kill me, too. To my surprise, they spared him."
"Wow. I'm sorry, Caleb. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. What happened to that kid? If his whole pack was slaughtered, how did he survive on his own?"
"He didn't."
"Oh, my gosh! He died anyway?"
"What? No, no. He's fine." I turned her around so that she, once again, was seated between my legs with her back rested against my chest. "After that night, he was never on his own because he became a part of our pack and, eventually, my pack. You might know him as the 'lone wolf' of our pack."
It took her a couple of seconds, but when it finally clicked she spoke. "Tommy?"
I nodded. "He was the first person that I ever saved, but, in all honestly, Tommy saved me that night. My parents slaughtered his entire family and with the threat of death looming over him, Tommy wasn't afraid. That night, I learned not to be afraid of who and what I was. Being an heir of the four was my fate and I could never run away or hide from it. I had to stare it in the eyes, tell it that I accept it and then embrace it."
And see to it that my fate never resulted in another massacre.
"The reason I told a six year old Tommy my identity was because I had grown tired of keeping it a secret. It was a fatal mistake and I swore to never tell a soul again. And I didn't. . .until I did. Since that night, apart from my pack, there are only two people that I told about being an heir of the four. Emmy Grace and you, Ava-Rain."
And I'm scared to death of history repeating itself once again.
"I don't know who is out there trying to protect me, but I think it's pretty safe to say that they're willing to do so by any means necessary."
Ava-Rain stiffened slightly in my arms, and if I hadn't been holding her so close or so tightly, I probably wouldn't have noticed. It hadn't been a reaction out of fear for her safety, but fear of what she might have rightfully assumed would come out of my mouth next.
"I meant it when I told you all those nights ago that your choice between staying with me or leaving to go back to your life would be the last choice that you ever got to make when it came to us. But, given the current circumstances and with all of this new information it's only fair that I give you another opportunity to make the best choice for yourself—"
"No. No, Caleb."
"Don't say no because you think it's what I want to hear. This threat is real. Real enough to send pure bloods into hiding, Ava-Rain."
"It's cold," she pushed out of my arms and rose to her feet. Turning to look down at me, she offered me her hand. "Let's go inside."
I didn't take her hand right away, nor did she pull hers away even as the seconds ticked by. She was holding her ground, and if it had been any other day, I would have rose to the challenge and followed suit. But that would have only escalated into an argument, and that was the last thing that needed to happen between us when we had just found our way back to each other.
I stood to my feet, took her hand and followed her lead back to the house.
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Once we made it inside, we headed straight to my bedroom and into my bed. It may have been the middle of the night, but sleep was not something that my body had any intention of doing anytime soon. Ava-Rain, on the other hand, was trying her best to keep me company but failing miserably since every minute or so a yawn escaped her.
"Sleep," I urged her. Because she was laying with her head on my chest, I was able to rub her back in hopes that she would succumb to her obvious exhaustion.
"I'm not tired. My body's tired. There's a difference."
I smiled. "Is there?"
"Of course. My mind is wide awake."
"And what's on your mind this very second?"
She lifted her right hand to show me the cut that still had a long way to go before it fully healed. I had no regrets, but it still sucked to see a wound that I had inflicted upon my mate.
"Does it still hurt a lot?"
"Not too much. Besides, the pain is totally worth it." She lifted her head and rested her chin on my chest to look up at me. "To know that your blood is currently running through my veins."
"And yours through mine." I shifted our bodies so that we laid face to face. With the hand that once held an identical cut but had fully healed, I held on tightly to hers. "We call it a blood bond."
"How did you know that it would work?"
I looked up from our intertwined hands to meet her eyes. "I didn't," I answered truthfully. "And I can't say that if I tried it again that it'd work. I just had hope. Hope in our bond as true mates and faith that it wasn't the end. Not for us. Not like that."
Not everything was meant to make sense. Not every life could be saved so easily by means of a blood bond. Did it have something to do with me being an heir of the four? Maybe. Maybe not. All that mattered was that I was able to bring Ava-Rain back from the brink of death for the second time, but there were absolutely no guarantees that I would be able to do it a third time.
"So, from now on, don't go around doing things that are going to make me prove my love."
"Promise," she smiled but it was cut short by yet another yawn.
"Liar," I whispered as her eyes slowly closed, still trying to fight off the sleep that was desperate to claim her. "We both know that trouble's your middle name."
She shook her head. "It's Noelle, actually. What's yours?"
"Don't have one. It's not really a thing for our kind."
"Well, middle names are kind of pointless, don't you think? I don't think I'll give our kids middle names."
"No? And, pray-tell, how many kids are we going to have?"
"Well, as a true Canadian, five completes a hockey line, plus one to be the goalie, so. . ."
As if she weren't halfway to dreamland seconds prior, Ava-Rain's eyes suddenly opened, and the soft, barely there smile I had hoped would remain on her lips when she finally dozed off disappeared all together. Unsure of what brought on the sudden change, I waited for her to continue, but she remained silent.
"You're going to give me a house full of six pups?" I continued for her.
"One."
"I take it math wasn't your strongest subject in school—"
"I can only give you one, Caleb. It's. . .it's sort of a family curse."
"Curse? What do you mean?"
"The maternal side of my family has always only had one child. A long, long, long line of daughters. I was an only child. My mom was an only child. My grandmother, her mother before her, and her mother before her. It probably sounds stupid, I know, but. . ."
"Whether we have one or six, daughter or son, any child we have will be half of you and half of me and that's all that matters, Ava-Rain. But," I reached up and tucked some curls behind her ear, "will you be okay if we can't ever have a kid? I'm the third heir of the four to ever exist, and there's no guarantee that there can or will be a fourth. And if we can, do I want my kid to have to suffer through life the way that I did? Do I want to put your body through that? My mom barely carried me to term and she's a wolf. I'd take a long, long, long life with you and only you over anything else because you're it for me, Ava-Rain. Nothing more, nothing less."
"Just me?" She smiled.
"Just you," I repeated and pressed a kiss to her forehead before pulling her against my chest and wrapping my arms around her.
Always you.
Only you.
It wasn't long after that when Ava-Rain finally drifted off to sleep, and for a little over an hour, I watched her as she slept. I may have teased her earlier about secretly watching me when she thought I was unaware, but I had no shame in admitting that I was equally as guilty. There weren't many opportunities for me to do so, but, every now and then, a moment just like this would arise when I could just look at my mate. When I could wonder about mundane things like her favourite colour.
Her first word.
How old she was when she took her first steps.
Who her first crush was.
Her first kiss.
If there had been somebody she loved before me.
How she could have ever been Team Edward.
And, other times, I wondered what her life might have been like had she never met me.
If she would have been happy, or happier.
If she would have felt safer in someone else's arms, or would there have always been a small part of her that longed for another's arms. My arms.
Every time she smiled or laughed, would those moments have been cut short as a feeling she could not explain tugged at the back of her mind?
Would she have chalked up her dreams of a wolf as just dreams and nothing more?
Not every wolf had been given a true mate. Not all true mates found each other in their lifetime, and the ones that did, did not always stay together forever for various reasons and circumstances. I tried to reject Ava-Rain only to end up in this exact moment. That Caleb—the one that tried to deny and walk away from her—had so quickly turned into a Caleb that could not imagine life without Ava-Rain because she was so deeply etched into my very soul that there was no telling where I ended and she began.
But my love for her wasn't the kind that I wanted to shout from the mountain tops for all to hear. It was selfish and twisted and so undeniably dark. When I looked at Ava-Rain in those stolen moments, all I wanted to do was take her and run. Run far away where no harm could ever reach her because she was a light that my world full of darkness would stop at no end to try and extinguish. When I looked at her, I wanted to find a corner in this world for just the two of us to hide, where I could keep her to myself for longer than forever. Where all she would need was me. Where all she would want was me.
And if I were to take Ava-Rain away, the only way for us to truly outrun the darkness, to hide from the darkness, would be to become darkness. Keeping her for myself would have meant putting out her light, and that was the very thing I swore to never do. Her light was the very thing I swore to protect.
But, like I said, my love was selfish, twisted and dark.
And in those few stolen moments, when I watched my mate as she slept soundly, I thought about many things and imagined various versions of realities. The one thing that remained a constant within them all was us. There was no version of reality that my mind could conjure in which Ava-Rain was not by my side. I could not live without her. Would not live without her. But I was born in darkness and raised in darkness, which made it a part of me that could never be drawn or cut out. I could protect her from the darkness of my world but could I protect her from the darkness inside of myself? Darkness that could only exist by the absence of light?
A knock on the door pulled me out of my thoughts. Without waking Ava-Rain, I slipped out of bed and walked the short distance to the bedroom door. Opening it revealed Chase with his phone held up to his ear.
"Chase, what is it?"
"It's Gray," he pointed to his phone. "He says he was able to get in contact with his alpha. . .and that he's willing to meet with you."