NINETEEN SEVENTY-NINE
Abhaya
Day 1
It's been three days since I caught Michael fucking another woman. Fucking Lily.I was so close to doing something along the lines of committing such heinous crimes as arson and murder.
The murder part only depended on them getting out
of the house in time but from how lost they seemed to be in the land of pleasure, I'm sure they wouldn't have made it out. I guess the man above spared them.
I guess he spared me when he decided to make the clouds grey, and the sky shed tears that cast the fiery matches in my hands away.
When the rain plummeted from the sky, my
senses returned to me, and I couldn't believe what I had almost done. It's true what they say about love making you do such crazy things. Love has made me do crazy shit, like give up my dreams of becoming a fashion icon. The first black fashion powerhouse was my dream, but I gave it all up for Michael. I gave up London and Saint Augustine for Michael.
I gave up Ricky for Michael.
I gave so much for Michael just for him to break
me into such small pieces that there was no way I could be mended. My heart was broken, but more importantly, my spirit was broken. That's worse than having a broken heart. I had been in my room for three days straight, trying to understand why my life was spiraling out of control. I felt like I was going crazy, and I was. I didn't know what to do with myself.
Four days.
Four days was all I had before I would be shipped
off to college. I didn't want that anymore. I didn't want to go to Spelman. I didn't want to go to Atlanta, but I didn't want to be with him, most importantly.
Michael.
I hated him.
How could he do this to me?
I screamed into my pillow, and then I cried. My eyes were hurting from how much I had been crying.
My mother would ask what's wrong, mi amour.
I wanted to say everything.
Everything was wrong, and I would love to
disappear Or, better yet, die. I would lovejust to
die so I wouldn't feel this tightness around my heart
that made it hard for my body to continue living.
Mom, I don't want to be on this earth anymore.
That's what I wanted to say, but I couldn't. No
matter how bad I wanted to die, I couldn't just
leave my mother...my sister. They needed me.
My sister once told me about her worst heartbreak.
His name was Toni Vaughn, and she loved him with
all of her heart. She said that he was her everything, and when he broke up with her, everything she had was gone. Everything left.
She told me that it was so hard for her to sleep, eat, and not cry at every damn second of the hour. She told me that she felt as if the unfortunate ending of death was much better than to live with the pain in her heart.
I guess you can say I was going through that.
I hadn't eaten in days. I couldn't sleep. All I did was cry and wallow in my sadness. I let it consume me.
I allow the sorrow to turn into despair.
The absence of hope was here to stay.
I had no hope for the future because it just seemed so dull.
It wasn't vibrant, and the colors weren't neon.
They weren't yellow like the sunshine or orange
like the sun. They were cloudy grey like the fog at night that makes it hard to see. They were dark like the black hole in space...in the unknown.
Life was meaningless.
—
Day 2
Michael had been calling me like crazy, but I
didn't feel the need to answer them. It was only A matter Of time before he showed up at my house.
I opened the front door with a bag of all the shit Michael had ever given me since we were children.
I was getting rid of it. It served no purpose for me
to keep it any longer. Unfortunately, the trash was
not only the plastic bag in my hands, but it was also standing at my front door with a smile.
A fucking smile.
"Babe! I had been calling you like crazy." He said.
I stared at him with no emotion at all.
"Did you pack all your things? We leave in two days, So I hope everything is packed. You love to wait to the last minute to do things." He chuckled a bit.
I pushed past him and walked to the trashcan in front of the garage.
Michael followed behind me. "Babe, are you alright?" He asked me. I ignored him and opened up the lid of the trashcan before throwing the bag inside. I pushed the lid back down and dusted off my hands before walking around up to the front door.
"Can I come inside?" Michael asked as I opened the front door, getting ready to step inside.
"No," I said. He looked at me weirdly.
"No?" He repeated.
"No, you cannot come inside. You're not welcomed here." Michael began to laugh. I guess he thought I was just joking around. Too bad I was serious.
I guess he could sense my serious demeanor because he stopped with the stupid laughter.
He furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. "Babe, what's wrong?" He asked as he took a step closer to me. I took one back, and my hand was between the door, getting ready to run inside after I broke the news to him.
"It's over, Michael. I don't want to be with you anymore." The happiness that was once on his face seemed to fade away. "W—What? Abhaya, what's going on?"
"I don't love you anymore, Michael. Please go."
I walked inside my home and was about to close
the door, but he stuck his foot inside the crack, which prevented me from closing it completely. He used his right hand to push the door open and walked inside.
His eyes were focused on mine as he closed the door shut.
"Michael, I told you to go." I was being unusually calm about this. I don't know why but I was.
"Does Ricky has something do with thi—"
I immediately cut him off. I wasn't going to allow
him to blame anyone but his fucking himself.
"Ricky has nothing to do with this. This is all
you, Michael. I'm feeling the way that I think
because you are a liar. Now fucking go."
I turned from him and tried to walk away, but
his firm grasp against my shoulder pulled me back towards him. He released his grip on me and tried to hold my hand, but I snatched it back hastily. I pulled it back as if I had found a snake underneath my bed, and Michael, unfortunately, was the snake.
He couldn't be trusted.
"Baby...please tell me what's wrong? What did I do?"
I didn't answer him, though.
I would forever let his mind wander, but eventually,
he broke the truth out of me. What did I do?"
He kept asking. Both of his hands were against
the sides of my arms, and he wouldn't let me go.
No matter how many times I yelled for him to leave, to let go of me, he wouldn't.
"Abhaya, why are you treating me like this!? What did I do!? WHAT DID I DO!? TELL ME!" He yelled.
"YOU CHEATED ON ME!" I screamed.
"YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE SAME WOMAN WHO RUINED MY FAMILY. ARE YOU SATISFIED WITH KNOWING WHAT YOU DID SO FUCKING BAD!" I grabbed his hands from against my arms and pulled them away. Michael stood before me, frozen.
"I caught you. I saw you fucking her. Lily..."
Michael was now quiet, and that pissed me off.
"Well, aren't you going to say something? Tell me how the fuck this all started with you and her.
She's been the other woman this entire time.."
My voice cracked at the end. My eyes watered.
Michael was now acting like he was deaf, and
I snapped. I slapped him, and he still didn't say
anything, so I slapped him again, and then I held
my two fists up and began to punch him though
they were weak punches.
"IS THIS WHAT YOU LIKE!? GETTING BEAT ON!?"
I screamed at him. I kicked him. I scratched
him. I did everything I could do tohim.
Michael suddenly screamed at me.
"STOP. ABHAYA, STOP." I grabbed the nearest thing that was in grabbing distance which was a crystal vase. I picked it up and threw it at him, but he jumped out of the way, and it landed on the floor. It cracked into a million pieces and scattered all around.
I ran back over to him and was about to hit him
again, but he grabbed my hands. "STOP HITTING
ME PLEASE STOP." Michael's eyes were becoming teary, and that suddenly snapped me out of my rage.
I pulled myself out of his hold and took a step back."Get the fuck out before I kill you, Michael."
I turned from him and was about to walk away, but
he yelled for me."WAIT....wait Abhaya Y—You don't understand. Let me just...let me explain things. L—Let me explain. Please.."
"WHAT CAN YOU POSSIBLY EXPLAIN!? HOW
THIS WHOLE TIME YOU KNEW MY DAD WAS
SCREWING THE SAME WOMAN YOU SCREW!
OR EXPLAIN HOW I CAUGHT YOU ON TOP OF
HER DAYS BEFORE, WE WERE SUPPOSED TO
BE MOVING OUT OF THE CITY TOGETHER!"
"But we can still move, baby, we can still go! Just let me explain everything...p—please just let me—"
"Michael leave," I said. He walked up to me and
placed the sides of his large hands against my face.
He tried to kiss me, but I immediately shifted
my head towards the side. "Please don't do this
me, Abhaya... please, I—I can explain everything."
"JUST STOP, MICHAEL. YOU WERE CAUGHT, AND THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO IT, OKAY...."
"Don't just shut me out like this...what about our plans? What about Atlanta? Baby, we're leaving in a few days. Please just listen to what I have to say please.." I pushed Michael away from me.
"I'm not going to Atlanta anymore. I'm not going to Spelman. I didn't even want to go in the first place, but I enrolled for you. I placed my dreams on the back burner to be with you...and this is what I get in return. Everyone was right about you, Michael."
I sighed before screaming because I couldn't
contain the anger inside of me. "EVERYONE WAS RIGHT, MICHAEL! WHY WOULD YOU LET THEM BE RIGHT!? WHY DO HURT ME ALL THE...time."
My voice cracked at the end, and suddenly I just broke down. I cried the worse than I could have ever cried.
Michael tried to touch me, but I just backed away from him. I couldn't let him get close to me again.
He would only hurt me. Slowly, I walked backwardS.
Michael trailed my only every step. I couldn't take seeing him any longer, so I ran towards the steps before dashing up. Michael screamed for me just
to listen to not leave him, but I was so done.
I was over anything we ever shared.
I ran inside my room, closed, and locked it before Michael could try to come inside. I heard his loud knocks against my door. He was banging on it so
hard that I thought the hinges would break.
"ABHAYA, PLEASE. PLEASE JUST LET ME EXPLAIN. I CAN FIX THIS, PLEASE. OPEN
THE DOOR, AND LET'S JUST TALK."
"MICHAEL FUCKING GO!" I screamed.
I was so frustrated that I threw a small pink
glassed piggy bank at my door and watched
it crack into a million pieces.
All the loose change I once had inside was rolling on the floor.
"I NEED YOU. DON'T DO THIS TO ME...PLEASE."
Michael continued to bang against my door like a maniac. I was getting ready to call the police on him since he wasn't leaving. "Abhaya.." His voice was now back to the usual softness. "Abhaya, I love you.."
I shook my head. He didn't mean that because if
he did; he wouldn't have broken my heart the way
he always has. "Michael, you make me sick," I said.
"I hate you so much that if you died...I wouldn't even cry at your fucking funeral, and I mean that shit."
I slapped my hand against the door.
"FUCKING MEAN THAT NOW LEAVE BEFORE
I CALL THE COPS ON YOU!"
It became deathly silent. I heard a few sniffles on the other side of the door, followed by footsteps creaking against the floors. I placed my ear against the door and listened to all noises I heard before the one I wanted came. That was the sound of the front door being shut.
Michael was gone.
Love don't live here anymore.
Just emptiness and memories
Of what we had before.
—
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