"This One's For You To Know, And Me To Find Out"
Present
Toronto, ON
My hands slide over the pristine soundboard with ease as I replay the audio clip for what felt like the thousandth time this afternoon. Headphones cup my ears underneath the black My Chemical Romance hoodie that Bean gifted me earlier this year.
I breath out a sigh of frustration before pushing my body away from the board, finally giving up on perfecting the piece today. Before I stepped out of my apartment this afternoon, I knew I would be too distracted to complete this to the best of my ability. My ultimate goal was to find something to distract me from everything going on, but it's pretty obvious that this isn't it.
Since my three friends arrived last week, my thoughts have been constantly clouded with thoughts of my past life. A happier life that consisted of a loving relationship, constant touring, and meeting three of my best friends. A life that was shattered on that cold rainy morning in April of 1994...
A knock on the door pulls me out of my thoughts, giving me time to mask my sadness with a façade of eagerness and stress. One thing I will never do is allow my co-workers to see me at my most vulnerable times. Ricky did once, the product of a congratulatory bottle of wine and unwanted playing of Nevermind, when we first began working together. Ever since then, I have sworn to prevent the incident from reoccurring.
My legs feel like Jell-O as I stride across the carpeted floor. My scuffed up black converse dragging slightly with each step before stopping abruptly in front of the white studio door. "What do you need?"
"You've been locked in there for a while Rose." Ricky's voice is shaky as he speaks, letting me know that he is nervous about something. "I wanted to check in, and you also have a visitor."
I purse my lips, curious as to how Amy would've found her way to the studio, but I'm in for a surprise when I swing the door open. Rather than my best friends' dark hair and eyes, I am met with familiar blue orbs and recently dyed brown hair.
Tears well up in my eyes as I take in the woman's appearance, not caring that I am still in the presence of my co-worker. He's harmless at this point. "You look like absolute shit Rosie. I told you to take care of yourself."
"I know," A smile appears on my face as the teenager crosses her arms over my chest in a disappointed manor, "My thoughts have been keeping me awake all week. You understand that better than most."
Frances Bean continues to glare, scanning over my frame for any other noticeable problems before smiling brightly and pulling my tired body into her arms. "I've missed you so much since I was last here. Things have been crazy back home, so I figured I could come here to get away for a few weeks."
"Does your mom know you're here?" I glance over her shoulder, grateful that Ricky understood this was a family matter and kindly left the two of us alone. "You know she'll try to sue me again for some other irrelevant reason if she knows you're hiding out in Canada again."
The young Cobain rolls her eyes, wrapping an arm around my torso to lead me back into the stuffy studio room. "You know damn good and well that I'm able to make my own decisions now. I mean, I just turned nineteen yesterday."
My jaw immediately drops, moving across the room to snatch my phone off a nearby coffee table in order to check the date; August 19th. "I completely missed your birthday." The palm of my hand makes contact with my forehead as I fall back into the rolling chair I'd been sitting in since this morning.
"Don't sweat it," Her hand falls lightly onto my shoulder, "I'm getting to spend a few days with you and that's better than any birthday call or text you could've given me yesterday." The blue-eyed girl grabs the second chair from across the room before turning all of her attention to the audio mix I've been working on. "So, what's this? The secret Linkin Park project I have been hearing about?"
I can't help but scoff at her question, "For a song that was supposed to be a secret, everyone sure knows a lot about it."
"You and I both know that Chester can't keep anything a secret for too long when it comes to his band," Frances responds before hitting play on the audio. She allows the music to play though a few times, making a handful of minor adjustments before letting it run on its own. "That sounds a lot better."
My eyes lock with her haunting blue ones; reminding me of the days that I would receive the same loving look, but from a different Cobain.
---
June 21, 1992
Dublin, Ireland
"Shelli, I don't know if this was such a great idea anymore..." My right hand brushes out knots in my newly dyed hair while Shelli pulls me through the backstage area by my left one. "Everyone is looking at me."
The dark-haired woman shakes her head before turning down a long, dimly lit corridor. "Rose, it's because none of the crew recognizes you. It's not often I show up with a 'new face'. Everything is fine, stop worrying."
"My life would be a lot less stressful if you had agreed to stay at the house in Nags Head..." I groan. The woman makes yet another turn, barely dodging a crew member who was turning the corner at the same time.
There is no time to complain anymore as a head of shaggy blond hair comes into view. A familiar tattered flannel covers the man's shoulders, paired with his signature ripped jeans.
I almost stop breathing when our eyes lock; his blue iris's looking livelier then ever before as they stare deeply into mine. My stomach churns as Shelli stops to face me. "I feel like you two have some important matters to discuss..." She lightly pats my shoulder, "I'm going to go see my husband while you take care of that."
Both Kurt and I watch in an awkward silence as Shelli darts into the boys' stressing room in search of her bassist. My eyes stay trained on the door for a second longer before shifting over to the blond man in front of me. "So..."
"I'm sorry," The two words leave both of our mouths so quickly that I almost convince myself that I was hearing things.
Kurt's free hand moves up to rub the back of his neck, obviously feeling the awkward tension in the air. "I want things to be okay between us Rose. There's enough tension between the band and Courtney... I can't lose you and Shelli too."
Deep down, I know Shelli would have my back no matter what. She may have known Kurt for most of her life, but in the last two years she and I have become sisters from the amount of time we spend together.
"I need time Kurt," My front teeth clamp down on my lower lip as I avert my eyes to the carpeted floor, "I'm here if you need me, but I'm not completely ready to let my guard down again. It's not that I don't trust you; I don't trust myself."
"Okay..." The boy seems to ponder my statement for a moment before smiling back up at me. "The electric blue suites you. You should keep it that way."
I shrug, playing with a loose strand while biting my bottom lip. "I think it's just a one-time thing. I'll probably dye it back to my natural color by the end of the year."
Kurt nods, silently opening his arms in hopes of initiating a hug. I shoot the singer a skeptical look, earning a stern one in return before allowing myself to step into his outstretched arms. The blonds grip tightens as I feel his breath against my left ear. "Everything you need to know is in this book."
As Kurt pulls back, he drops one of his many spiral notebooks into my hands. A large 'KC' etched into the blue cover along with a couple doodles. "What is this?"
"Open it and find out for yourself..."
---
Dave pushes my body up against the metal tour bus without breaking our lips apart. His pointer fingers are hooked tightly through my belt-loops, and I can't help but let my fingers get tangled in his long sweaty hair.
Tonights show ran rather smoothly. Kurt decided to only smash one guitar rather than the entire sound system tonight, Krist threw his bass in the air and caught it cleanly, and Dave had managed to only break one stick while playing; for Nirvana, it was a first.
"God I can't get enough of this new hair," He pulls away for a second, brown eyes locking with my blue ones as one of his hands let go of my belt loop to tangle a strand around his finger. "I looks like cotton candy."
I can't help but chuckle at his comparison, "I was going more for 'sexy electric blue' rather than food David."
"Well excuse my stomach for being empty again." His lips press lightly against my forehead before pulling away completely, "I'm going to run and take a shower before Krist uses all the hot water. Give me fifteen minutes and we can go get a few drinks in town with Shelli."
His infectious smile brings one to my face without fail.
The two of us make our way onto the bus before splitting up in the kitchen. Him turning towards the back to grab a change of clothes while I take a seat in the lounge area. As soon as the bathroom door clicks shut behind him, I whip the tattered blue notebook from my back pocket.
Sighing, I can't help but be disappointed in myself for once again lying to my fiancé. 'It's a dietary plan I'm trying out for my headaches. My mom recommended it to me because she had the same problem when she was my age.'
One thing I know for sure, that this book is definitely not a dietary plan...
I slide into the booth seat connected to the kitchen table, dropping the book lightly on the white surface; not wasting any time before flipping the book open to the first page.
The first two words bring a chill down my spine.
Dear Rosemary,
...
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays everyone.
Two months is too long.
I love and have missed you all and am finally free from all of my obligations.
If you have any questions feel free to ask :)
-Ky