I left Dane's place that morning on a high. The look in his eyes and the overwhelming sense of calm I felt in his presence gives me all the energy I need for another day of classes. He never fails to make me feel the abundance of love he carries inside his heart for me. There's nothing more I want than to finish this day and get back to him again.
Walking to my locker, I spot a grinning Gabby leaning against a classroom door, toying with her dark curls between her fingers, talking to Jaxon. Spotting me, she abruptly ends her conversation with him, running over to greet me.
"Bestie! I missed you," she says, wrapping her arms around me in a firm embrace.
"I just talked to you like a day ago." I chuckle. "But who am I kidding, I missed you too."
"How are things?" she asks sincerely, pulling back away, holding me at arms length.
It's obvious to me "things" entail everything encompassing my relationship and the situation with Dane. We are more the same person than ourselves these days.
"They're alright...good days and bad, but overall good," I answer with a forced positive vibe, remembering our recent struggles.
"Glad to hear. I'm always thinking about you, and if you ever need to get away for a little girl's time just to relax and decompress, let me know. We could catch a movie or something soon?" she asks, casually leaning against the locker next to mine with hopeful eyes, her backpack effortlessly swung on one shoulder.
She can see right through me. That filter I apply every time I leave Dane and face the public for us, it's fading. I wonder how long I can ultimately hold it together. I've always been so good at pushing through, completing tasks, hitting deadlines, applying more of myself than I have, but this? This isn't just effort. It's emotions. And mine run so deep.
"I appreciate that, I could probably use it." I chuckle, closing my locker. "Besides, I really need to catch up on your little situation." I wiggle my brows playfully at her.
"Oh there's lots to tell." She nods while grinning. "Lots of juicy details. Lots of juicy other things..."
"Oh my God, I've heard enough already!" I laugh stopping her from divulging in all of her sexual escapades in one hallway conversation.
"I mean, you wanted to catch up. I'm just trying to keep it accurate," she declares, her smile stretching across her face.
"You're crazy." I shake my head at her.
I love the fact that I have this special friendship with Gabby. She has the ability to always bring me out of any funk I'm in or keep me laughing when life gets too serious as it recently has. Our differences in personality work to our benefit as we compliment each other well. She brings out my wild side and I reign her in when she goes off the rails. I know I can always count on her to be there for me and feel lucky to have her at this point in my life. Everyone deserves a Gabby.
We go our separate ways and head for a fun filled day of mundane classes. Hour by hour ticking by as I try my best to stay focused. I've been actively planning on applying to a few colleges but with my decision to swerve medical school and go into a new field, the idea of going off to college left me feeling a little uneasy. I'm not quite sure yet which direction I want to go. I mean, how do you plan out what you want to do with the rest of your life while being so young and inexperienced in the big world around you? It baffled me that anyone could really know who they wanted to be at eighteen.
The only thing that I know to be true is that I want to do something important. Change a life. Make a difference. Leave this world a little better than when I came into it. Imprint goodness. I'd have a better chance of riding a fire breathing dragon than finding a major that encompasses all of that.
The last bell of morning classes rings and I'm finally able to close the book on Calculus and head to the lunch room where everyone awaits. Walking toward the normal table we always seem to gravitate, I spot Gabby, Jaxon, Asher and Mason already there.
"Dakota! Hey, I saved you a seat," Asher says smiling while pulling out the chair next to him.
"Thanks," I reply, throwing my bag on the table and slouching into the chair.
His kindness never falters, his positive energy, always prevailing. People like that are hard to find and yet, it seems I've found them all.
"C'mon girl, let's go get pizza," Gabby says, grabbing for me before I could even take a breath.
"Yes girl, eat up. I love it," Jaxon says, eyeing Gabbing as we walk to the counter.
I narrow my eyes, looking back at him, then peer at Gabby for some clarification.
"He has an obsession with my ass. Apparently a fat ass fetish. Keeps making sure I stay well fed." She rolls her eyes at him, laughing. "Which really is great for me because I love eating, so grow baby, grow!" she says while smacking herself on the ass, causing an onlooking Jaxon to immediately sit up in his seat.
"Good lord, you guys need a minute in the janitor's closet?" I ask sarcastically.
We get our slices of pizza and rejoin the group who is now knee deep in discussing Mason's cousin Olivia, who has recently transferred to our school.
"So I told her she should just call him up if she's interested. Ask him on a date. Girl's can make the first move these days," Mason tells Jaxon who's smiling at a straight faced Asher.
"Dude...why not?!" Jaxon nudges him.
"Wait, what's going on? Tell me now," Gabby interrupts, practically sitting on Jaxon's lap as I sit down in the seat next to a seemingly anxious Asher.
"Well, Mason's cousin Olivia thinks Asher is all that and a slice of cheese." Jaxon smirks.
Gabby stares at Jaxon then turns to face Asher.
"Okay, so why don't you ask her out, Ash?" Gabby states bluntly, like this conversation shouldn't be as difficult as they're making it.
"Because, I'm just not interested right now," Asher clips back, seeming somewhat annoyed.
"Whatever man. She's cute, you're dumb." Jaxon scoffs.
"She's what?" Gabby asks immediately, grabbing hold of Jaxon's arm tightly.
She's got that calm voice that says she's nothing but crazy.
"Nothing babe. She's totally average...compared to a gem like you, that is," he recites quickly.
"Mhmm...that's what I thought." She smiles, loosening her grip on him.
Jaxon turns to Asher with a hand held by his face blocking Gabby mouthing "she's hot."
"Saw that," Gabby declares, making Jaxon jump and laugh.
"Anyways..." Asher says, rolling his eyes, trying to switch the conversation.
He leans in towards me as the rest of the table begins discussing an entirely new topic. "How's Dane?"
"He's alright," I reply, somewhat down. "Kind of having a rough time with the new medication I guess."
"How are you?" he asks.
He stares into me with concern while propping an elbow on the table, turning into me.
"Me? Oh, I'm good," I reply, quickly brushing the question off.
"Dakota," he says softly, his eyes dropping to the hands curled tightly in my lap. "It's ok to not be strong all of the time. This is hard. It's a lot to deal with."
He says the words sincerely, placing a hand on my shoulder. I marinate on them and after a slight pause in conversation I look back up to him, my eyes brimming with tears.
"If I'm not strong, who will be?"
His eyes tighten, wincing as he adjusts himself in his seat, as if wishing he could take the pain away.
"I'm always here for you both. Whatever you need. You take on so much, Dakota, and it's really starting to wear on you, even if you're not admitting it to yourself. I can tell. What you're dealing with is heavy stuff," he says sincerely. "I just want to make sure you're alright too."
"Thanks Asher," I reply with a half grin and nothing but appreciation for him. "For caring so much."
No one has truly asked how I was doing in all of this. It's always been primarily centered around Dane, which is to be expected, but the fact that Asher is really looking out for me and my well being in all of this says so much about the type of person he is. I forget to take care of myself and my emotions. I typically push myself to the bottom of the totem pole in regards to the well-being of the individuals around me. Guess it's just what empathetic souls do.
We finish up lunch as the bell rings again and everyone scurries away to their lockers for the last half of classes for the day. Asher and I are left walking together as our next classes are directly across the hall from one another.
"So why not give Olivia a shot if she's cute and seemingly into you?" I ask, continuing the conversation from lunch.
He takes a deep breath, letting it out through loose lips, shaking his head as if really not wanting to go there.
"Uh-oh. What did I say?" I ask, hoping I didn't offend him in some way.
He stops next to my locker, leaning against the one next to mine, running his hand through his thick hair while holding his bag on the opposite shoulder. He stalls as my eyes travel back and forth between his, trying to read him as I open my locker to switch my books.
"I don't...I don't know Dakota," he states with a grin pulling at the corner of his lips, shaking his head.
"What don't you know?"
He's acting funny. Like he's in on a joke I know nothing about, as if I'm clueless to something he thinks to be obvious.
"I'm just not there yet I guess." He shrugs, looking down at his feet.
"Not where?" I press, getting more curious with the way he's acting.
Sighing again, he wipes his hand down his face in an uncomfortable way, then stares back at me with a soft face.
"You're a hard one to top," he says reluctantly, leaning his head against the locker door.
Pausing to fully understand what he's just said, I close my locker, staring at it, then look back at him.
"Ash..."
"No, Dakota, look," he says, interrupting me. "I have nothing but respect for your relationship and I will always keep it that way. I'm just not willing to date someone else for the hell of it when I know my feelings aren't..." He stalls. "Well, they aren't there yet."
I stare at him, letting the words sink in.
"It's ridiculous," I say smiling.
"What is?" he asks, looking worried.
"How you can still be such a stand-up guy while admitting you have feelings for your friend's girl." I laugh.
He rolls his eyes grinning at me before playfully nudging into me.
"You are a class act, Ash." I say with nothing but truth behind my words. "Don't ever change."
"Yeah, yeah. Now get to class." He winks at me as he turns to head down the hall.
He pauses mid-stride, turning and returning back to me.
"Thank you," he says with an appreciative grin. "For understanding."
He nods again with a sweet smile filling his face and I realize how much I truly value him. As a close friend, a confidant, as someone I can be truly honest with, without worrying about any sort of backlash. He's understanding, one of a kind, and I'm glad to know him.
Asher. The guy I would've been with had the stars aligned differently. But, the timing had always been off. Just as he had admitted his feelings for me were there, my feelings in that regard, were clearly not.
No, my feelings were in a little garage loft, waiting for me to finish my day to come back to him.
Or so I had pictured.