Waking up to two strong arms wrapped around you and a tall male spooning you from behind was never something I thought would make me this happy. After Romeo had comforted me a little, without using words in particular, just by caressing my cheek and holding me, we laid down on my bed and fell asleep almost immediately, not without locking the door first of course. I slowly opened my eyes, allowing the bright sunlight to fill me with a kind of heavenly feeling.
I turned my head to look at the sleeping boy, that still had his arm protectively wrapped around me. He really was beautiful. I could have looked at him all day. He just looked so peaceful, sleeping like this, curled up against me with his hair falling onto his face. He was still wearing the clothes he wore, when he came here the evening before, except for his leather jacket, that was neatly placed on a chair next to my desk. It was probably really uncomfortable to sleep in jeans, but apparently this boy would do anything for me. And I would do the same.
Carefully, trying not to wake him up, I threw my arm around him, pulling him closer so the painful gap between us was finally closed. He immediately responded by snuggling into my chest a soft grunt coming from him as if he needed this just as much as I did. His one hand softly stroke over my side, while his breathing indicated, that he was slowly waking up. I carefully placed a soft kiss on the top of his head, while running my fingers over the smooth skin of his bicep. The moment was so beautiful, that I actually thought for a second, I had died last night and ended up in heaven, because it definitely felt too good to be true. But I wasn't straight so... yeah, no heaven for me. Ah well hell seems so much more appealing. The bright sunlight tingling my skin, Romeo wrapped in my arms, everything seemed perfect.
And then I remembered everything.
I remembered the pictures, I remembered the incident and I remembered the text, oh god that fucking text. I remembered, why Romeo was actually here and suddenly, anxiety made an appearance in that peaceful scenery. Suddenly, my heaven became a lot darker. Why couldn't I just be happy? Why the fuck did my past have to ruin this beautiful moment right now? It just wasn't fair! After all the shit I went through, wasn't it my time to be at least ok again?
I glanced out of the window, without moving an inch, paranoid of seeing that evil and sick smirk on the other side, waiting to ruin my life again. I was scared out of my mind, even when I didn't find that asshole sitting in front of my window, stalking me or shit. My heart started to pound like crazy and it took everything in me, to stop my body from reacting to the fear, by shaking like a deer facing the gun of a hunter. I didn't want to disturb Romeo, even though he would probably urge me to always wake him, when I was feeling like this. But he had already abandoned his family yesterday, just to be by my side, the least I could do, was to let him sleep.
I faced the ceiling and tried to steady my breaths. Don't think about it, just don't think about it! When I finally had my breathing under control, I focused on the fear again, that had spread through my entire body. I used to be somebody who wouldn't easily get frightened. Horror Films used to be one of my favorite genres, me and Cody started to go on rollercoasters and Haunted houses way too young and loved it, I didn't have any big fears like Clowns or heights and I wasn't afraid to fight a dude, even if he was bigger than me. It seemed like nothing could actually scare me. Until the incident, of course.
Concentrating on my breathing and on my body, I didn't move one bit anymore, just so Romeo wouldn't notice. You have no idea how hard it is to be deadly afraid, but you are not allowed to show it in any way, shape or form, to not hurt the people close to you. My body wanted to react to the unbelievable amount of fear, that had consumed me and it took all my strength, to not let it show. I don't know, how long I starred at the ceiling, focussing on my breathing and my body, when suddenly, a deep groan came from the boy laying on my chest. He sat up and looked, with still very sleepy eyes, at me.
"Morning" I said a little nervous, as if I was the reason he had woken up. But I really didn't move at all and my breathing was steady, so if he couldn't read my mind, there was no way he had sensed that something was up!
"Why are you so nervous?" he bluntly asked, laying on his right arm for support, his body still pressed against mine and our legs tangled together. I gulped.
"H-How did you... I mean, I'm not-"
"My head was laying right there" he said, tapping on my chest with his finger, right at the place where my heart was beating under my ribcage a million miles per hour. That was the only thing I could never control, or at least not fully.
"I'm so sorry for waking you up! I'm fine, really, you can go back to sleep, its still early" I said, trying to reassure him, that I was really ok and that he didn't have to worry about me, especially this early in the morning. It was like 7 am on a Saturday and it would have been almost cruel of me to expect him to listen to my whiny ass. Romeo sighed, as if he was willing to surrender and just when I expected him to turn around and sleep again, his hand cupped my cheek and his thumb brushed over my skin.
"We've been over this babe. I'm here for you and something is obviously up. You know, I worry about you and I would rather see you happy than sad, so I want to be there for you. Also, you didn't wake me up. I prefer being wide awake and with you, than being asleep and missing just one second we could spend together"
I scrunched my nose, before I replying "That was so fucking cheesy! Did you turn gay or something?"
"Shut up" Romeo chuckled, as he leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss against my lips. I savored every second and I felt almost cold when he pulled away way too soon, just so he could press his forehead against mine and look into my eyes. With anybody else it would have been super awkward to be in that situation, even with my ex girlfriends, including Daisy, but with Romeo, it just came so natural. I didn't care what others would think, if they saw us in that position, just starring into each others eyes, while our hands, that were intertwined and danced together in such a loving way, that my heart was about to explode either from all the cheesiness or all the love. Maybe a bit of both. But with Romeo, I liked those cheesy moments. Those moments in romantic movies, where I used to cringe so hard and maybe still would, but when we did them, I loved every second of it.
"Whats up with you?" Romeo finally asked, pulling away as he sat himself up against the headboard of my bed. I let out a shaky breath, looking down to my hands, not able to find the right words. I couldn't tell him yet, but how else was I to explain my odd behavior? Shit. It was just not possible for me to explain, that I was afraid of somebody, without telling him my story, right?
"I-I can't tell you.. not yet" I said, finally looking up and into his forest green eyes again. A weak smile formed on his lips, as he extended his hand to take mine in his. He pulled it into his lap and caressed my skin with the tips of his fingers. "Its ok, you don't have to. I get that you are not ready yet. But Blake, I want to help you somehow. I hate seeing you like this and I'm not able to comfort you. You know you can share anything with me, as long as you are comfortable with it"
I took a deep breath before saying. "I'm afraid. The reason why I am the way that I am today, a broken fucked up pussy, that very reason contacted me yesterday and I-I'm just so fucking scared." Apparently I had nervously started to play with the zipper of my sweatpants pockets, because Romeo grabbed that hand and laid it to my other in his lap, after placing a soft kiss on both of them to calm me down a bit.
"Can you please stop saying you are a pussy or shit like that? Because you're not. You are very fucking strong and I'm unbelievably proud to have you as my boyfriend, ok?" he said, looking deeply into my eyes, as to search for some kind of emotional response to his words, which he would definitely have found. I nodded, as I exhaled sharply to try and not cry like a pu- well... like a human.
"Now. Somebody or something from your past has contacted you last night and now you're afraid? Nothing and nobody is going to hurt you, ok? I will protect you with everything I have, you know that, right?"
"Of course I do... I-its just- fuck! Its so fucking complicated, I wish I was ready to explain it to you, b-but... truth is, I'm just not ready..."
Romeo sighed. "And thats ok, I understand. I just really wish, I could help you. Maybe you could ask your brother for help?" he suggested. I bit down on my bottom lip nervously. Although Romeo didn't know my story, he knew enough to come to the logical conclusion, that asking my brother for help was the only right thing to do. Normally, I would agree with that, I mean, after all, I used to always go to Cody, when I had a problem, even after the incident and he always helped me, but this time... that text had already kind of destroyed me, what would it do to him or, god forbid, my mom?
"I can't worry him like that. He is so going to freak out and... I should be able to deal with this on my own" I said, clenching my jaw tightly.
"Blake, if you tell me, that whoever contacted you yesterday is dangerous enough to make your brother loose his marbles, than we do have a fucking problem and I don't want you dealing with something that heavy on your own. Look, I want to help you, but I also respect your privacy. So just tell me one thing: After yesterday, are you afraid that person is going to hurt you in any way and do you think that is actually possible?" He looked at me and I knew he didn't want me to see how nervous he was about my answer.
Honestly, I was nervous about my answer too, because... was there a possibility of me getting hurt again? I really wanted to say no, because I did go to court and I did everything right and I did fight back and he was miles away in another city and it would be so foolish of him to try anything again. But then again, nothing of that had held him back in the past. And I never though he would hurt me in the first place, so my gut feeling of: There is no way he would try anything again, was just not reliable anymore. So it took a lot of strength to say, what I needed to tell Romeo
"Yes"
His face dropped at that word. I think he never really understood, how serious my whole situation really was, up until now. And I mean, how could he? He had no idea what was going on in my past, that made me the way I was now, because I refused to tell anybody. And I guess it was true. People have become broken from much less than what I had suffered. I don't want to compare emotional baggage, I really don't. I'm just saying, that he probably thought I just suffered a bad break up or something like that, but he didn't know, that I have actually been physically hurt. It took him a second to let, what I had confessed, sink in, before he said "Blake, babe, I respect any decision you are going to make and I will protect you with my fucking life, but please, I'm begging you, if you can't tell me, tell Cody."
He was genuinely afraid for my safety, I could see it in his eyes and how they glistered in fear, just like mine must have done yesterday evening, when he ditched his dinner and snuck through my window. If it wouldn't be for Romeo, I would have just suffered through the panic. But now, that he was by my side and I had to think about one more human I could hurt with my actions, I knew I had to do whatever made him feel better. After all, I couldn't even tell him, what had happened to me yet, the least thing I could do, was making him worry less by keeping myself safe. And maybe I could have done that on my own. I was a strong dude after all, but apparently not strong enough, as the past had shown.
It was really kind of cute how Romeo, the bad boy and feared guy from our school, with all his tattoos and rings and earring and his whole cliché rebellious attitude, was so fucking scarred that me, his jock boyfriend, would get hurt and he didn't even know the full story yet. But I also didn't want him to worry about me. For fucks sake, we already had enough to deal with, since he was my secret boyfriend and I was supposably straight and to top it all off, he was my brothers best friend. I just wanted to see him happy and I knew he wanted to see me happy too. So if I wouldn't do it for myself, at least I had to do it for him, even if it meant for Cody to worry 24/7.
"Ok... I will tell Cody, but its on you if he goes crazy" I said and Romeo chuckled slightly. "You really know how to make a guy worry even more than he already does, don't you? But I will be right by your side when you tell him, if you are comfortable with that?" I exhaled sharply, before nodding in agreement. Who knows how Cody would react and even if there was a chance, that my brother would let some information slip in the company of Romeo, it would be better to not deal with his ass alone.
Suddenly, Romeo and I were ripped out of our conversation, when somebody tried to open my bedroom door, unsuccessfully of course, since it was locked. A loud knock erupted on the other side, before I heard Codys pissed voice yell "Blake? Why is the door locked? If you can hear me, open it right now!"
My head snapped to Romeo, who wasn't supposed to sit on my bed right now, for all that my brother knew, to silently ask him for some sort of plan. "Should I hide?" he whispered and was about to run to my closet, when my hand grabbed his wrist to keep him in place. A little confused, Romeo glanced down to my grip and back at me for an answer. Maybe he thought I wanted to tell my brother the truth about my relationship with his best friend, but actually, I was far from that. He was already pissed, so that was not such a peachy idea right now.
I pointed to my bed to show Romeo, he should just stay there and let me handle it. With his jeans still on and wearing his normal clothes, he didn't look like he spend the night or did any intimate stuff with me, which, I mean, we didn't, except kiss little, but neither of us were really in the mood for anything more, after and especially while I was having a panic attack. I didn't really have a plan, I just knew, that I had to tell him about the text and I wanted to do it with Romeo close by. Might as well do it now, right?
"Blake, I swear to god I will break this door down if you don't-" Codys yelling was cut short when I unlocked the door and he nearly fell into my arms. A mixture of relief and anger filled his eyes, when he saw, that I was perfectly fine and didn't even have puffy eyes. He was just about to give me the typical 'Why is your door closed? You lost your privilege for privacy, when you tried to-' speech, when his eyes snapped to Romeo, who was sitting slightly awkward on the edge of my bed. Now confusion replaced the anger in his gaze, as he just didn't understand, what the fuck was going on. His mouth gaped open, as he tried to say something, but nothing came out.
"Ok, before you swallow a bug, close your mouth. I called Romeo last night when something.. happened. I was feeling very shitty afterwards and didn't want to be alone. And Romeo was the only.. friend I could turn to. I didn't want to ruin your evening and I thought you might already be asleep, so Romeo agreed to come and calm me down." I said and glanced over at Romeo once in a while, to see if he picked up on my lie. Of course he did and he would be immensely stupid, if he didn't, but I was just really anxious, if Cody would believe it. Our whole secret relationship could be not so secret anymore in just a few seconds, if Cody finally put two and two together. I bit down my bottom lip nervously, while I waited for his response to my not so shitty lie this time.
"What do you mean? What happened?" Cody asked, still a little confused, but now also visibly worried about what could have driven me over the edge so much, that I had to call anybody, just so I wasn't alone with my panic attack. Well, for him it was just random, that my choice fell on Romeo, he didn't know that it was because I... I fucking loved him, ok? Fuck... I was so damn in love with that guy and I needed to tell him soon, although there was a scary voice in my head, that told me, that maybe Romeo didn't feel the same way.
I hesitated before walking over to my bedside table, where I had placed my phone and with trembling hands opened the chat from the unknown number, before handing it over to my brother. All color drained from Codys face, as soon as he saw the pictures and the text that made the whole situation just so much worse. He looked like he had actually seen a ghost, which he kind of did. After all, it was a text from the dead. Or at least somebody, that was dead to us. After a while of processing, what he had just read, Cody looked up from my phone and directly at me. I couldn't really read his emotions. Either he was sad or angry or a mixture of both. He nodded over in Romeos direction with a questioned look on his face and I knew he silently asked me, if I had finally told somebody about my past.
There was a glimpse of hope in his eyes and it hurt a little to blow out that light, as I shook my head in response. Cody pressed his lips in a fine line together, as he took another look at the text. I couldn't even imagine, how much it must have hurt him to see those pictures again. I will never forget that moment, when I stood in that courtroom and they showed us those very pictures and as I looked at Cody, he had tears welling in his eyes. My mom had sobbed the whole time, but Cody tried to be strong. At the end of the day, he had bit down on his bottom lip so much, that he had drawn blood. The same feeling of guilt and also awkwardness were mixing in my stomach again, just like in that courtroom. Now I was even more happy, that I didn't show Romeo those awful pictures.
"Who send you this?" Cody asked in a calm, but cold way. It was obvious, that he tried to be rational about this and not let his emotions get the best of him, but by the way his voice cracked slightly, he couldn't fool anybody. And it was fine, honestly, he was allowed to freak out. After all, so did I, but I just wished my big brother didn't have to feel this way. Romeo still sat silently on the edge of my bed, probably trying to get some sort of information out of what we were saying, but didn't interfere, which I was really grateful for. The whole situation was already fucked up and I had to pick my next words very carefully, to ease Codys anger a bit, so that I didn't have to stay locked up in my room for the next twenty years, like fucking Rapunzel or shit.
"Its not that hard to guess, who its from" I said softly, looking to the ground, as I couldn't stand to look at Codys, with anger fuming eyes, one minute longer. I knew he wasn't angry at me anymore, far from that, actually. But I still, had something to do with his current emotional chaos and I didn't like it one bit. Its like, when you have to tell your daughter her favorite fish is dead or you have to tell your friend, that you saw his girlfriend cheat. All of that isn't really your fault, maybe you hate it just as much as they do and have to suffer too, but it still sucks when you have to break some bad news to somebody you love. In my case, it was even worse, as I was the suffering part in this whole situation, but as much as he had hurt me, he had put my family through just as much.
Cody took a good look at the text message again, probably struggling to decide what to do next. It was a tough situation, because we didn't know for sure, if it was actually him or if it was just some sick fucking joke. I miss you. Those fucked up words. I really wanted to throw up right now. The taste of sick had already made its way to the tip of my tongue, but as always, I forced myself to be strong. Hell, Cody was trying so hard, I should be able to do the same, right?
"Cody I... I wanted to handle this on my own, but Romeo convinced me, that if I was in any sort of danger, I should at least tell you. And maybe I am. I actually don't know. If you don't want to deal with this, its fine, I will find a way to cope and its not like he has actually found us its ju-"
"Blake shut up! Why would you say that? Of course you should tell me I mean.. Fuck" he said, again looking at the text for some sort of clue as to what we should do now. Was it actually a threat? Maybe he just wanted me to suffer some more, because I put him in court, but I couldn't help, but get the uneasy feeling, that this wasn't just a reminder of my past. It was promise. For what, I dont know.
"Ok, I think we should be rational about this" Cody sighed. And for a moment I felt lighter, because if my brother didn't take the text too seriously, why should I? He was the overprotective one, or at least became that, so if he didn't see it as a threat, it probably really wasn't. "You are not ever leaving this house again, at least not without me and definitely not at night and maybe we should install security cameras, oh yeah and school, I don't know, maybe you should be homeschooled after all, I could drop out of school and maybe stay home with you, since I don't want mom to quit her job and maybe you should go to a self defense class and maybe-"
"Cody..." I tried, but he was full on rambling. I was in shock. Honestly, I did not expect him to overreact that much and I had no idea, how to tell him, to not chain me to my room till I'm old and wrinkly. Even Romeo had abruptly stood up from the bed and was in obvious shock.
"No, no its fine, we can manage, we just have to make a waterproof plan. Maybe we could go to court again, but that didn't do much obviously. Oh, we should get you a dog, maybe like a pit bull or something and we could move again, yeah we should probably do that and-"
"Cody!"
"And maybe move far away. Do you think we could get new identities? Maybe if we move to Thailand or what about Australia? We could also move to Iceland and we should get a gun and-"
"Cody stop!" I yelled from the top of my lungs, which made him flinch and stop rambling. Just then I saw, that his eyes were red and he was about to cry. Maybe because he was angry, maybe because he obviously also didn't know what to do in this kind of situation. I was glad, that he had stopped rambling, because I was very fucking close to punching him out of his illusion. We were brothers, but I was not afraid to throw a punch at him, if it was for his own good. We just stared at each other as his lip began to tremble.
"Well what the fuck do you want me to do? I don't want you getting hurt again!" he exclaimed and I when I saw a tear running down his cheek, I did the dumbest thing ever. I pulled him into a hug. Cody and I never really hugged, not on usual bases at least. We used to never show emotions in front of each other or anybody for that matter. Dad didn't like the whole 'emotional thing' and wasn't very affectionate himself. I think mom just went along with it, so of course the both of us had to turn out this way. But to my surprise, Cody let lose and swung his arms around me, holding onto my shirt, as if he was afraid to loose me. And he cried. In front of me. In front of Romeo, who still stood there, slightly shocked and not able to find the right words to say. Maybe silence really was the most he could say in that situation.
"I'm so sorry, I'm so fucking sorry! I should have the answer, b-but I don't. I really don't know, how to keep you safe anymore" he cried into the crook of my neck. I was facing Romeos direction, trying to see what he felt seeing Cody like this.
"I could help" he suddenly said.
Both me and Cody turned to him, my brothers eyes still red and puffy, as a tear rolled down his cheek. "What?" I asked, not really sure, if I had to save Romeo from a similar rambling incident like Cody before.
"I could keep you safe. From time to time at least, when you, Cody, don't have the strength or time. We could take turns. It will be easier. Look, I don't need to know, what or who I'm protecting you from. And don't you fucking dare give me that 'I can look after myself' bullshit. I know you can Blake, you are a strong dude, but obviously you are in danger and you are .. my friend. I would like to keep my friends safe, you know. So, if you don't want to move or drop out of school, we can do it this way. Unless, of course, you maybe don't want to spend a lot of time with me..." Romeo said, the corner of his mouth itching for a smile at the last part, which he tried to hold down. Cody looked at me and Romeo looked at me. Both waiting for my response.
"Ok" I simply said. My brother immediately turned back to hug me, as he was obviously glad, that I had agreed and he could now sleep better, knowing another person in this town was keeping me safe. I rubbed Codys back gently, returning the hug, while I starred into my boyfriends eyes, who was still standing in front of my bed, looking at me. My pretty fucking perfect boyfriend. Not only had he agreed to keep me safe, but he had also now found a way so we could spend a lot of time together, without anybody raising questions. How did he actually find a way to turn such an awful situation into a pretty good one?
As he let that smile happen and starred into my eyes, while I was hugging my brother, I had only one thing on my mind.
"I love you" I said.
"I love you too little bro" Cody muffled into the hug. But the person I had actually just said those three scary words to, didn't say anything. He just looked shocked. But then his gaze turned soft again as he mouthed back, without making any sound, but I could still see and hear it clear as day "I love you too"