I wished it, no, I willed it all away. My worries, my thoughts, my nerves, my inevitable heartache. I could do this. I could push it out of my mind and see what I wanted to see. Couldn't I? Why couldn't I? I want to live in a world of ignorant bliss. I don't want to feel the pain. I won't let it haunt me anymore. However in my short time here in this life, I've come to realize, pain and sadness always find their way. It was only a matter of time, and time unfortunately, never stops. Someone once said, your struggles and hard times in life make you appreciate the good that much more. Screw that. Let me play pretend a little longer.
After the appointment, I went home to prepare for the upcoming school week. I had a few papers I needed to finish up on before Monday, and it was very unlike me to fall behind, however, I found myself just scraping by to reach my due dates. The transfer of the most important thing in my life, from my studies to my first love, had caused me to slack a little, but I had it in me to do it all. After popping in my headphones while listening to classical music, I got in the zone and caught up within a few hours.
Checking my phone, I notice a new text from Dane.
Dane: Hey. I guess I won't be able to join you tomorrow at the shelter, I've got a meeting with Gordon at 3pm. :( Dinner after? My treat. Love you.
Sighing, I sit back in my seat, feeling a slight disappointment. It wasn't as if I expected Dane to help with the volunteer work I signed myself up for, it was just an odd feeling of sadness that washed over me. A deep dejection I couldn't really explain.
I am happy for Dane's opportunities and am excited to see what Gordon is offering him. He deserves to go to an amazing college and I am happy to hear more information about it. I'm not excited about the thought of us not being more than twenty feet apart at all times, but I need to set that aside. I want nothing but the best for him.
I text him back after collecting my emotions.
Kodi: Sounds great babe! I'm so happy for you, can't wait to hear all about it. Yes, dinner sounds amazing. I'll bring the dessert. ;) love you more.
It sounded like I was smiling when I wrote it, which is what I intended. Truth is, I'm torn up on the inside and I can't comprehend why. It isn't purely a selfish want of mine to keep him close, my mind has registered the problem before I could even perceive it.
A cloud of unfortunate truths had surfaced over my head, blocking me from my sunshine I so desperately sought out. If I walked faster, I could find the light for a tiny second before the cloud caught back up to me. But in the process of chasing the light, I'd grown tired. Too tired to fight for the limited happiness I sought. It was time I sat and surrendered to my cloud. Allowing it to consume me the way it unavoidably would.
Heading to Dane's that evening, I actually did bring dessert. A pecan pie, I had made with my mother, a bonding moment between us she was beyond grateful for. She always wanted me to enjoy the achievements of being a homemaker, but unfortunately, it just was never enough for me, I craved more.
Walking up to the flat, I hear Dane's voice. I pause for a second, thinking I was early and don't want to interrupt, only to double check that my watch says 7:35pm. I'm technically 5 minutes late.
Maybe Gordon is still here?
I sit and listen the best I can for a few minutes. I hear Dane telling him what his interests are as far as academics, and bits and pieces of him going on about his other passions.
Maybe the interview ran late?
Walking back down and over to my house, I decide to text him quickly, just to let him know when it's over to tell me so I can come back. I head inside of my house again, sitting on the reading chair in our study with the warm pie still on my lap, thinking for a second. Something struck a chord with me.
Jesus. He's talking to himself.
"A car!" I scream out loud, causing my mother to drop what she was doing in the kitchen and run towards the front of the house. I get up and run immediately to the door.
"Dakota?! You're still here? What's wrong!?" she says urgently with a concerned expression.
"No, no, um, no...nothing mom, sorry." I mumble while running out to the porch, brushing her off completely.
Running down the stairs of the porch, my breathing was short, hands already shaking as I frantically scour the street in front of our houses for an unknown vehicle that may belong to Gordon, giving me the evidence I so desperately seek.
A distressed, frenzied version of myself runs out into the middle of the sidewalk, warm pie still in hand, seeing nothing but the familiar vehicles of neighbors lining the street.
There's no car. There's no fucking car.
As a sinking feeling overtakes my heart, I turn immediately to a familiar voice.
"Kodi! What are you doing?" Dane asks with humor in his voice.
He's chuckling, he's lost it.
"Didn't you get my text?" he asks nonchalantly.
I must look like a complete weirdo. Composing myself quickly, I grab the phone out of my back pocket and open the message immediately.
Dane: Meeting ran late, Gordon just leaving. Come over when you can. Love you.
Oh my God, what am I doing.
Walking up the stairs in an embarrassing shame, I reach his questionable grin.
"What were you doing? You looked panicked." he asks with a humorous grin.
"Listen, it's been a long day, is all." I sigh.
The feeling of a stressful weight shifted, yet never lifting.
"I bought the stuff to make you lasagna but never had time to make it. I had no idea he'd be so late." he says with a sad expression.
"Meat lovers pizza?" I suggest with a scrunched face.
"I knew you were my girl for a reason." he grins, bringing me in for a soft kiss to my lips making me weak at the knees, "But, no...I refuse to submit to your easy-going ways. You deserve better. Get in your comfy clothes, we're going out."
I look at him in confused excitement as I wonder what he has planned.
Collecting my coat and purse, we get into the truck as he drives us to the mall. He's wearing a black hoodie with matching sweats while I switched into basically the same, but in a rose gold color. Comfy, cute, my favorite style.
"We're going shopping?" I ask, hoping we weren't, as I grab for his hand in mine.
I'm not going to lie, I'm tired and don't exactly feel like walking around, especially not after the stressful events of the day.
"As much as I'd love to buy everything here for you, no...we're not going shopping." he says, rubbing his thumb along my hand.
We pull up to the back section where they have just added on a new movie theater.
"A movie!?" I ask excitedly.
"Dinner and a movie. They serve food too, and I gotta fill up that empty tummy of yours." he smirks, tucking some loose hairs of mine behind my ear.
"Yay Dane!" I exclaim, sounding like a total child on Christmas morning.
Walking in holding hands, we select our seats for the new Star Wars film. We are both fanatics so choosing any other film would've been asinine.
Dane excuses himself to go use the restroom, so I wait for him just outside. I notice a couple of guys who appear to be in their mid twenties looking my way from one of the tables in the lobby. I smile my normal "hi, now look away" smile, but it doesn't seem to work.
They look back and forth at each other, whispering something while smiling, then slowly approach where I'm leaning against the wall near the restroom.
C'mon, really.
"Hey beautiful." The taller one with darker hair says.
"What's a cutie like you doing waiting alone?" The shorter one with sandy hair comments.
"I'm not alone, I'm actually just waiting for my boyfriend." I reply kindly.
"Not surprising." The taller one says smiling, "Well, he's a lucky man."
"So what movie are y'all seeing?" The shorter guy asks.
"Star Wars, you?"
"Same! We've been so excited to see it, the buildup has been driving us crazy
We're huge fans." He grins from ear to ear.
Their obvious excitement made me smile with a shared, mutual love for the movies.
"Awesome, we are too." I reply.
I'm happy they dropped the awkward hit-on me phase.
"Well sweet! We'll see y'all in there." The taller guy says grinning, then turns to head into the theater.
Dane comes out of the bathroom to them just walking away from me, the lingering smile still on my face as I turn to him.
"What the fuck was that?" he asks in a deep, annoyed tone.
"Um..they just asked what movie we were seeing was all." I say with a small voice, trying to decipher his sudden change in emotion.
"That's not all they wanted." he growled, eyes focusing in on them.
Shaking my head of this sudden jealous moment he seems to be having, I shrug it off as we make our way into the theater. We find a couple seats near the back of the theater, as I start looking through the menu to order something.
"You want to share a big nacho appetizer?" I ask with excitement, turning to him.
His face is set in a scowl, only to see him now glaring at the two guys who were finding their seats ahead of us.
"Dane? Just drop it. C'mon, let's have fun." I comment, picking up on his seemingly overreaction to the situation.
He says nothing. Orders nothing. Just sits there, occasionally pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration throughout the movie. It is really immature of him to act like this over something so small. Over the course of the movie I'd become irate at the fact that this attitude has now transferred over to me.
After the movie ended, I'm no better. I'm now so upset with the fact that he let something so trivial ruin our time, so as soon as we hit the parking lot I walk quickly ahead of him to the car. I just want to leave and go home and forget this date. Looking back to see him following me as I expect, I'm left searching for him.
No, this isn't happening.
Walking back towards the front of the theater entrance again, I find him sitting on the curb to the side of the theater. My first sight was a heartbreaking one. His head is dropped into his hands as his body remains in a crumpled, depleted form. I walk closer, crouching in front of him, when he finally raises his hands out of his disheveled hair and looks up at me.
His big beautiful brown eyes appeared pained in a way I'd known before but wouldn't allow myself to believe.
I couldn't allow myself to believe.