"i can't fucking do this!"
elmo ditches the note book at the wall.
"me neither" i say, pushing mine away.
we were struggling to write what we were gonna say at my mothers funeral. my mom was worth so much more than words on paper.
"let's just speak from our hearts. we can't write about her because words can't describe how amazing she was"
"you're right. let's just make something up on the spot because speaking from our heart is better than reading off a speech anyway"
it's been a week since my birthday. i didn't want to be on my phone all week because of not wanting to see everyone's messages, mainly from the girls.
elmo absolutely hates himself right now. he regrets every single thing he's ever done to my mom, although they weren't anything bad.
my dad is, you guessed it, at work. my dad is already bad without my mom so if he didn't do what he and her loved most, he would go insane. he doesn't even come home on sunday's anymore, which is okay.
i'm okay.
i mean, of course i'm not!
but i'm okay.
like, i'm really not emotionally but i know what i'm doing and how i'm supposed to feel. i'm not talking with anyone except jaden and chase, who skip first period everyday to come see elmo and i.
i'm glad it hasn't been awkward at all, especially with how fucking crazy i was on saturday. like throwing myself on to jaden like that? i was so stupid for thinking that it could make me feel better but nothing ever could. my mother's gone.
i hear the front door unlock as elmo and i stand up and walk towards it.
elmo goes over and greets chase first.
"hi jaden"
"hi doll"
i walk over and smile as jaden pulls me into a tight hug.
"i got you coffee and a bagel"
"you don't have to bring me breakfast every morning"
"you know you wouldn't eat if i didn't"
"i know. sorry"
"it's okay, it's not your fault"
he goes and greets elmo and hands him his coffee and bagel as i walk over to chase and hug him.
"feeling any better today?" he asks.
"a tiny bit. i feel like the more i accept that she's gone, the more i feel better. it's still really hard though"
"of course it would be! it's only been six days"
we all go into the living room and sit down. it looked so empty and sad that i wanted to cry. i missed everyone coming here after school but i don't feel like talking to any of them, mainly the girls.
jaden places the keys, bagel and coffee down and wraps his arm around me.
jaden has our key that belonged to my mother. he's the only other person that elmo and i could trust to have it. it would've been hannah, i swear but neither of us can even look at her right now.
another big belonging of my mother's was her car. my father and elmo want me to have it since i don't have a car yet and i wanted elmo to have it but they insisted. i now have her car but i'm never in the mood to drive it anywhere.
hannah and elmo are on an undeclared break but they haven't spoken ever since mom passed so i think it's kind of obvious. right now i just feel terrible for elmo. jaden is by my side every second he can be. the rest of boys came over a few times to comfort elmo but it's not the same as if hannah did.
so yeah. we've all got our issues now and I-
my thoughts get interrupted from hearing the door bell.
"who's that?" elmo asks, turning to me.
"i was just gonna ask you the same thing"
i stand up and walk towards the front door and look through the eye hole.
"it's kevin" i say.
"what's he doing here?" jaden asks, crossing his arms.
everyone likes kev now. except for jaden.
"i have no idea"
i answer the door with a small smile.
"hi kevin!"
"hey mars" he looks around me and notices the others.
"hey elmo, hey chase, hey jaden"
"what are you doing here? i mean, it's a nice surprise but i wasn't expecting you"
"i just wanted to check up on you and elmo. how are yous?"
"oh. we're fine i guess"
"i just wanted to let you's know that i'm here for you two and even your dad! i know what it's like to lose your mom because, i've been living with the feeling ever since freshman year"
"and you're a senior now"
"yep"
"oh kev, i didn't know! i'm so sorry"
i pull him into a hug and he gladly hugs back.
"it's okay, i'm over it. i mean, i never will be but my mother was too good for this world and i've accepted the fact that she's in a better place now. so is your mom"
"you're right, you wanna come in?"
"no, i should be heading off. i just decided to swing by before class"
"alright. thank you so much for coming though. means a lot"
he sends a small smile before walking away.
i close the door and sit back down next to jaden.
"what did he want?"
"he was just wanted to check up on elmo and i"
"why?"
"because, his mom died when he was a freshmen!"
"seriously?" chase asks as i nod.
"shit."
"i know. he came to say that he was here for us, especially because he understands how we feel"
"oh okay"
i could see that he was trying to not be pissed off. but he was.
"what? it's just that kev can relate to what happened, that's it! even if he didn't, he just wanted to check up on us because he's our friend!"
"i see. is he important to you?"
this time he visibly showed the scowl on his face .
"jaden, i don't get why you're being so pressed because you're literally the only important person i actually have left, apart from elmo and my dad!"
"um, you down for a game of pool?" elmo asks chase as he nods.
they both stand up and walk away.
elmo most certainly wasn't in the mood for pool but i'm glad he gave jaden and i some kind of privacy.
"shit, i'm sorry. i don't really like admitting to this but i trust you to not make fun of me because of it"
"what's up?"
"i'm jealous. so fucking jealous, and have been for years!"
"of kevin?"
"yes! he's always gotten everything handed to him because he's intelligent, good at football and really fucking funny. he even earned your forgiveness so quickly after what he did to you! just because he has all these traits that i don't have"
"babe what? kevin's great and all but you really need to know that you're the only man for me! you have just the same traits as him except i like yours more"
jaden grins.
"you don't have to worry about him at all, he's just my friend"
jaden's smile then falls.
"i'm really sorry. i should be comforting you, not the other way around"
"it's okay. i like to distract myself with things rather than thinking about my mother and stuff"
"right"
i pull my bagel out of my bag and take a bite, bringing it up to jaden's face to let him take a bite too.
"so how are you feeling? like be completely honest" he asks.
"okay. i mean, i'm not okay at all but i've accepted what's happened. i'm not ready to move just yet. the thing that hurts the most is that she passed when we were on somewhat bad terms"
"it's always best to admit to your feelings rather than deny them so you seem to be doing just right. your mom was the sweetest so it's always good to honour her memory rather than think about the arguments and bad moments you two have had"
"you're right"
jaden and i share the bagel and drink our coffees until he had to leave.
"bye chase" i say after giving him a hug.
"see ya!"
"see you gorgeous"
jaden looked me up and down the smallest bit, the same way he looked me up and down when i first met him. that look made me realise how crazy i am for him and how i think he's the only person that could help me with what i needed.
"wait!"
he turns around.
"you know, um, you really don't have to do this if you don't want to but i was wondering if you could maybe say a few words about my mother at the funeral? it would make me less nervous and-"
"i would love to!"
"really?"
he nods quickly as i pull him into a tight hug.
"i love you, jaden"
"i love you more mars. remember, you're out of this world!"
"you always say that"
"because it's true. don't let anybody tell you any different"
i nod as he squeezes my hand, then walks away.
"wait, jaden"
i haven't been showing jaden any love, physically, ever since my mom died. and ever since jaden and i had sex for the first time, which was also crazy.
he shakes his head with a smile as he turns around, this time me rushing over to him.
i place my hands over the side of his face and connect my lips with his. jaden quickly kisses me back as we continue to lock lips for a while. the feeling of his lips on mine made me feel much happier instantly, which made me wish i kissed him sooner.
"oi mars, stop! that's mank!"
elmo's annoying voice made me pull away from jaden.
i look from elmo, then back at jaden.
"can i come over after school?" i ask.
i go onto my toes and lean forwards so that i could whisper in his ear.
"maybe i could make up for the past week"
"by doing what?" he whispers back.
"you should know"
"i think i do. i'm excited"
"you should be"
"yuck! elmo, do you know what mars just said to jaden? she was like-"
"gotta go babe, i'm not tryna get bashed by your brother" jaden says, interrupting chase then turning to elmo.
"even though i could probably beat him in a fight anyway"
"what did you just say?" elmo says i start to laugh for the first time in a while.
jaden smirks at me then whispers something to chase as he gets into the car.
"elmo! jaden said that he-"
"bye gorgeous!"
"bye jaden!"
they pull out of the driveway and zoom away.
"something you wanna tell me about you and jaden?"
"um, no?"
elmo crosses his arms.
"you're acting different. i know what happened"
"nothing happened"
"we are all mature adults here, everyone has sex lives, even me"
"ew, i didn't want to know that!"
"and you didn't want me to know about you and jaden either, right?"
"what do you mean?"
"mars, i know you's are fucking. you both could at least make it look more discrete"
"for your information, it was only one time'
"still"
"how did you even know anyway?"
"just then you two acted like hannah and i when we prepare to smash"
"you know what, i did not wanna know that either" i respond as elmo laughs.
"have you spoken to hannah yet?" he asks.
"no. you can still talk to her though, i don't care" i say.
elmo frowns.
"she won't talk to me unless you talk to her"
"what, why!"
"because she learnt how to be shady from me! remember how i said i'd break up with her if you didn't stop talking to jaden? now she's doing the same except that she won't talk to me unless you talk to her!"
"that bitch!"
i sigh and go upstairs, elmo following.
we walk into my room and i switch on my phone.
after it connected to the wifi, thousands of notifications came through at a crazy speed.
i put my phone down and on silent as i waited for the notifications to stop and after a while, they did.
the girls spammed me the most and i felt like i needed to reply. i really hated them right now but deep down i wanted to forgive them because i miss them.
yeah the boyzzz | 10:02am
hi
hannah🤩: MARS
addy🤩: ur on!
hannahk🤩: bb we're so sorry!
gabby🤩: like, so so so sorry
jada🤩: sorry for not being there for you
hannah🤩: and for the loss of ur mom :(
well, i jus came on here because of how i felt bad for not replying
but then again, i remembered how i felt way worse when my mother died and how i had no support when i needed it the most in my entire life
addy🤩: okay but both hannah's are full on sobbing and i swear i'm about to start too
gabby🤩: same. we're so fkn sorry mars. so so so sorry
jada🤩: we would do anything to be good with you again. we love u
it's fine guys
i'm over it
i mean, you can try to get jaden to talk to y'all again too because he's most def not over it
but i guess i am
i missed having y'all to talk to
hannahk🤩: n we missed talking to you! we finna come over straight after school if it's alright with you
can't, i'm going to jaden's
but i'll come to ur house after if you all wanna meet there
addy🤩: 💯
•
i slide my nike slides on and walk downstairs and towards the front door, where i saw jaden waiting for me.
"hi jaden"
"hi doll, ready to go?"
"more than ever"
we walk to the the car and he opens the car door for me.
i smile and get in, closing the door as jaden rushes over to the other side and gets in.
"so" i say as we buckle our seatbelts.
"i'm fine with the girls now"
"what, why?"
"i don't know to be honest. i started seeing my notifications today and decided to respond to their messages"
"were they actually sorry?"
"they were"
"well if you're happy then i'm happy. i'm still not cool with them though"
"yeah of course, you're allowed to have your own opinion.
he smiles and nods.
we pull out of the driveway and make our way to his house.
•
"bye!"
"bye darling!" jaden's mom calls out to me as she pulls out of the drive way and leaves.
"finally home alone" jaden says.
"yeah, i know wow"
"you know what, i kinda wanna show you something"
"alright, what is it?"
"my favourite room in the house. ever since i was 14, i never let anyone go inside except myself obviously"
he takes my hand and takes me towards the stairs. under it there was a door that i've never noticed. he opens the door and lets me walk inside first.
"wait i love this so much"
the room had this giant bean bag with blankets and pillows, a fan, mini fridge, small set of drawers and rug.
"take a seat baby"
i sit down on the bean bag as jaden closes the door and sits down next to me.
"so you haven't let anyone in here at all?"
"never"
"what do you do in here?"
"most of the time i study and game. it's nice because the walls are surprisingly thick so you can't hear too much"
"so no one could hear anything either?"
"not unless someone puts their ear right against the wall"
soundproof yeah?
"it's kinda hot in here" i say.
"is it? i was actually a bit cold"
i sit up and slide my sweater off.
"woah, i take that back it is kinda hot in here" he says, immediately sliding his hoodie off.
i scooch over to him and sit on his lap, wrapping both of my legs around him.
he connects his lips with mine and we make out. his lips go down to my neck as i roll my eyes back.
he was about to slide my shorts down but stops.
"what's up?"
jaden lifts his head up so that he could now look me in the eye.
"you positive that you want this right now?"
"i really am jaden. i want you, i want all of you"
jaden smirks.
"say no more"
•
he throws the blanket over us.
"you're amazing jaden"
i smile.
"you actually make me love sex" he says.
"you didn't love it before?"
"i mean it was fun but i got post nut clarity most of the time. with you it's just always so perfect"
"what about with your exes?"
"they were just never the ones"
"i love you"
"i love you"