~ ~ ~ ~SAM’S POV~ ~ ~ ~
After what felt like centuries of waiting, it was nearing 2:30, and I knew Megan would be showing up very soon within the next thirty minutes. I hadn’t prepared anything good to say, I didn’t even know what was going to come up. After the kiss yesterday it had surely confused the hell out of me and left me wanting more, and Megan had agreed to come back even though I had kicked her out yesterday.
I didn’t know why I was nervous, but it was making me stare into the mirror and primp my hair or wipe my slightly smeared make-up. I had even brushed my teeth because if Megan was going to unexpectedly kiss me again I wanted to be ready.
Oh God I sound like I had never done this before.
Then again, I hadn’t done anything like this before. I had never made myself vulnerable to someone, I had never allowed myself to catch feelings, and I most definitely never agreed to talk about those feelings.
So this entire situation was really scaring the shit out of me.
I leaned on the bathroom counter, feeling my heart rate pick up at the thought of Megan knocking on my door. This is what I had wanted right? I had wanted her to chase me, and I had wanted her to go crazy over the entire situation last Friday.
And she had, and now she was probably on her way to talk to me and I was nearly shitting myself.
I didn’t know what she was going to ask of me, and I didn’t know exactly what to ask her. I wanted her to admit the truth to me, but I knew that would involve me possibly doing the same, and admitting it out-loud would make it real. Not only to me, but also to Megan, because then she would know how I truly felt about her.
But how did I feel about Megan?
I cared about her, yes, and I that was obvious because not only did I always want to rip her clothes off, but I got extremely jealous whenever I thought of someone else wanting to rip her clothes off.
So did that mean I liked her…? Like… liked her, liked her?
And if that did mean I like-liked her… what was the end result for us?
I ran my hand through my hair, looking at myself in the mirror and studying my features. I looked different, and not in the physical appearance different, but I just looked… different.
I mumbled to myself while rolling my eyes, “Yea, probably because Megan’s managing to drive you into a straight-jacket.”
Then without warning I heard a slight knock on my door and I felt my heart threaten to explode out of my chest. I felt my breath shorten as I dried my palms on my jeans that were hugging my legs.
I exhaled, “Be a big girl, Sam. This is what you wanted.”
I strutted to the door and hesitated to open it, wondering if this was really a good idea, but deciding it was too late to back out. It felt like waiting in line to ride the scariest ride at the theme park, and once you were strapped in there was no going back.
That’s what I felt like right now, just one-hundred times worse.
I pulled the door open and revealed a very cold, but still very beautiful, Megan as her icy blue eyes sucked in every ounce of my attention. I noticed she had a bit more make-up on today, and her hair was fixed, which meant she had put a little more effort into her appearance today.
Just like me.
She mumbled, “Can I come in? It’s cold as balls out here.”
I opened my door, smiling, “Balls?”
She set her things down, “You get the picture.”
I nodded, clenching my eyes shut, “And I wish I hadn’t.”
She turned around and looked at me from a distance, allowing me a few seconds to take her fully in, and she looked magnificent as always. Her eyes were studying me just as hard, and I knew neither one of us knew exactly how to start this type of conversation.
So I thought of the only way I knew how to break the awkward ice.
I walked to the kitchen, “Do you want some wine?”
She gave me a curious look, “You’re gonna drink?”
I nodded, “One glass won’t kill me.”
I poured two and handed one to her, bringing us closer to each other. I felt like I had no idea what I was doing, and it was probably because I in fact had no idea what I was doing, but I was praying Megan did.
She broke the silence, “Sam, I’m not even sure where to start about this whole situation… but I just want to apologize again, for everything. I put you through a lot of shit, which was honestly not right on my part, so I’m hoping you’ll forgive me so we can start new. Not that I want to start over but… I just don’t want us to have any grudges…”
I smiled at her rambling, “Megan, I forgive you.”
She swirled her wine around her glass as she peered down into it, giving me a few more seconds to look at her. She had taken off her jacket, which exposed her button down that was slightly un-buttoned at the top. Now don’t get me wrong, I knew she was here so we could talk, but I couldn’t help but shortly fantasize about ripping the rest of them open.
And for some reason I couldn’t help but ask, “Why’d you kiss me yesterday?”
Her blue eyes looked up to me, as if she was looking at me for an answer to my question. She leaned back into the couch and sighed, “I thought I was here so we could talk about you.”
I spoke softly, “I need to know.”
And why did I need to know? Was it because I didn’t know whether she kissed me because she cared or for some selfish reason. Megan wasn’t the one to randomly kiss me, although it had been happening a lot on her part lately, so it had really caught me off guard. And I knew Megan wouldn’t do such a thing without a very logical reason.
Then she shrugged, “Because I wanted to.”
I just stared at her, waiting for her to continue saying something else but she didn’t. I shook my head, “Ok, now tell me the truth.”
She shook her head, battling with something within herself, “I can get into so much trouble for this…”
I grabbed her hand, “Please don’t think about that right now, Megan.”
She set her glass of wine down and looked down at her hands, looking as if she was really battling with something inside her mind. I hated seeing her this stressed out but if we were really going to do this, it would be nothing but stress from here on out.
She started, “I don’t really have a reason as to why, Sam, but I felt like it was the only thing I could do. You weren’t giving in, so… it was the only thing I knew I could do that would make you see I was being genuine.”
So… she kissed me because she wanted me to feel like she cared? Did that mean she did care, or she was just tired of me icing her out?
I took a sip of my wine in hopes that I would start feeling it soon, “So… you wanted me to see… what?”
She smiled softly, “That I don’t like when you’re mad at me.”
I rolled my eyes, “That is not why you kissed me.”
She shook her head, “No, I really don’t like when you’re mad at me. You’re a complete bitch.”
I groaned, “Well I guess I get it from my history teacher.”
“You’re not funny.”
I looked at her, realizing she was slowly trying to change the subject. I retorted, “What were you trying to prove when you kissed me, Megan? Stop trying to change the subject.”
She groaned, “I was trying to make you see I care about you, okay?”
I felt like a big weight had been lifted off my chest after hearing those words, and I knew she was being true because she wasn’t breaking eye contact with me. She then picked up her glass of wine and sipped a few sips this time, nearly emptying it and setting it down back on the coffee table.
I felt different, something inside me felt different, and knowing Megan cared about me made me feel like a million bucks.
Then she smiled slightly, “Did you know you’re blushing?”
Blushing? I never did that.
I rolled my eyes, “I’m not blushing…”
She nodded slightly, “You so are blushing.”
I rolled my eyes, “Anyways…”
She nodded, “You’re right, it’s your turn. I want to talk about last Friday.”
I felt something in me shiver with fear, as if this was it and there was no going back. She wanted to know the truth, and I wanted to tell her, but I was so scared. She had just admitted to me that she cared about me, something I never would’ve thought that would ever come out of her mouth. But she had sad it, out-loud, and now she was expecting the same thing from me.
I sighed heavily, attempting to slow my heart rate down, “What about it?”
She could tell I was freaking out, and she didn’t make a snide remark about me playing stupid. She placed her hand on my knee, which made me loosen up just a little and spoke, “Sam, it’s okay.”
I felt my hands shaking as my heart slammed against my chest. I wanted to be honest with here, and there was nothing more I could do besides just tell her the truth.
But it was different now, and last weekend I had a pep-talk with Becca, but now I was on my own.
I shifted in my seat, not sure how I should even come out and say it. I was searching for something witty to say like I usually did with girls, something that wouldn’t make me seem so small and vulnerable, but there was nothing. I was in the palm of Megan’s hand and she absolutely knew it, and I knew it too.
I placed my glass down and sighed, “Megan… I’m not good at this.”
She nodded, smiling slightly, “I know.”
I shook my head, “And that’s not helping me.”
She moved closer to me, which only made me more nervous as I watched her shift next to me. She responded, “What possessed you to show up at my house at midnight, Sam?”
I looked down, too nervous to even look up at her. It was weird, the way she made me feel. Usually I was so confident around girls, I was so smooth and self-assured, but not around Megan. She was a whole new ballgame, and now that I had caught feelings for her and she was making me admit to them, it was even harder.
But this is what I had wanted.
I closed my eyes, letting my mouth open, “I needed to see you.”
I refused to look at her, simply because I knew if I did I would immediately intimidate myself and I wouldn’t be able to say anything else.
I felt her hand on my knee move slightly, and I knew she was trying to get my attention. I wasn’t good at this, I wasn’t good at admitting what I was feeling, especially if I didn’t understand it, which I didn’t. I didn’t understand anything I felt with Megan, and trying to tell her was literally killing me.
“Did you want to tell me something?”
I exhaled heavily, not understanding why it was so hard to do this. I felt like a two-hundred pound man was sitting on my chest, and it was getting hard to breathe. I didn’t know if it was anxiety or me just being a big pussy, but I felt like I was suffocating.
I didn’t know if the whole anxiety thing was real or just in my head because I was scared, but I tried my best to ignore it. I needed to be honest, and I needed to be honest with Megan because she deserved it. We had been through entirely too much shit for me to back out because I didn’t want to sound like a big pussy in front of her.
And I needed to be honest with myself.
I blurted out-loud, “I wanted to tell you that I care about you, a lot. I’ve never had someone drive me so crazy and still manage to make me like them like you do, Megan.”
After I said it I could instantly breathe, my heart rate was still pretty high, but my chest was no longer tight. I felt good, and knowing I could finally be honest with myself made me feel like a million bucks.
I looked at Megan who was smiling slightly, “Now was that so hard?”
I rolled my eyes, “That was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”
She smiled, “But don’t you feel better.”
I nodded, “Much, do you want some more wine? Cause I do.”
I got up and poured me another glass as I realized I really had told Megan, who was someone that was five years older than me, that I cared about her. I had admitted my feelings to my history teacher, someone who this was extremely illegal with. And my brother’s best girl-friend, someone who had possibly been involved with Megan at one point in time.
Now when I thought about it like that…
I shook the thoughts, realizing now obviously wasn’t the time for me to be psyching myself out. Megan was sitting on my couch drinking wine while we had this serious ass talk about our feelings, I couldn’t be getting cold feet already.
I joined her on the couch again, feeling as if something had changed between us now that the truth was out in the open. I knew she was better at these types of situations than I was, but since I had finally done it I figured it would be a little easier from now on.
I switched on my phone, putting on some slow classic rock for us to listen to. I looked up at Megan who was watching me silently, and then eventually broke the silence, “Why’s it so hard for you to admit your feelings to anyone?”
I leaned back into the couch and looked at her, shrugging, “If I knew I obviously would’ve found a way to fix it.”
Sitting with her here made me nervous, and also a little hot considering she had made herself comfortable quite close to me. I never would’ve imagined Megan allowing herself to be this close to me, but here she was with her right leg touching mine, and her shoulders were doing the same.
Was she doing it on purpose?
I could see her looking at me, “Do you think it’s because of your parents?”
I shrugged, “Maybe, or maybe it’s because I’ve always seen other people get hurt because of it. Admitting your feelings makes it real, and if the other person doesn’t feel the same… well, then you’re fucked.”
Then Megan sighed a response, “But what if they do?”
I looked at her, “Then it’s a miracle, but then you two end up fighting, then stop talking and start growing apart. Then before you know it you’re being left behind while she’s found someone new and you have no one.”
Megan looked at me, “Would you chase her if she ever tried to leave?”
I sipped my wine, “The question is, would she chase me? Because if she wouldn’t, then I wouldn’t either.”
“Even if you loved her?”
I shrugged, “It wouldn’t matter if I loved her or not, she obviously didn’t love me enough to stay.”
Megan just looked at me, “That’s your entire problem, Sam.”
I rolled my eyes, “I didn’t invite you over to tell me my problems, Megan.”
She moved closer to me, “No but seriously, you’re just too afraid of being hurt Sam. You’re too afraid of rejection. You can’t be afraid your whole life, or else you’re going to miss out on someone special.”
I rolled my eyes and flipped my hair, “Bitch, I am the ‘someone special’.”
Megan groaned, “You’re so hard-headed, I swear.”
I smiled, “It’s why I drive you so crazy.”
She shook her head, “It’s not the good kind of crazy Sam.”
And with a weird whim of confidence I leaned onto her shoulder, nudging, “I beg to differ. I think I can drive you pretty crazy at times.”
Oh God… I hadn’t meant for it to sound like that.
She rolled her eyes, “That sounded so wrong.”
I shrugged my shoulders, “Yea but I didn’t mean it like that.”
She leaned down at looked at my wine glass, “Are you already getting drunk?”
I shoved her slightly, “Shut up.”
She leaned back and looked at me, “So tell me… did you get jealous when you saw Nikki at my place the other night?”
I could tell by the tone in her voice that she sounded way too arrogant for my liking, but I decided being honest was the only reliable option now. I leaned back and studied her, taking in her long dark hair and her perfect eyes that were fixated on me.
I nodded, “Well obviously, if you couldn’t tell.”
She hadn’t expected me to say that, which took her by surprise, which I liked. Her face turned a light shade of red as she smiled and looked down into her glass like an embarrassed child. It was actually pretty cute…
Keep it together Sam…
She mumbled, “Good.”
I responded, “Good?”
She nodded, “I like knowing you get jealous, but don’t ask me why.”
I smirked to myself, realizing that this was Megan that I was flirting with, someone who had refused me the pleasure for a long time by constantly shutting me down. Yet here she was, flirting with me on her terms.
It was quite shocking.
I sipped my wine and watched her cross her legs, which looked divine in those jeans. I could feel everything in my body start to plead for her, and I knew it wouldn’t be long before the sexual tension between us would be at its all-time high.
Then the hours began passing as if they were minutes, and I felt the connection between Megan and I mend slowly. I felt like it had been entirely too long since our last moment like this, how intimate we were just her and I sitting on this couch talking the night away. And out of everything I could’ve been doing… there was nothing I loved doing more than this.
Being with Megan like this was the most exciting thing I could think of, and I knew that had to mean something, right?
Eventually we were both feeling pretty good, but we weren’t drunk, just loose enough to not care whether what we said was acceptable or not.
Then I asked, “So what’s your perfect girl like?”
She tilted her head, “That’s pretty random.”
I shrugged, “Just answer it.”
She leaned back, shrugging, “I don’t know, I try not to have a specific type but I obviously enjoy the company of complete bitches. So there’s that…”
I laughed, “Yea Nikki’s a fucker.”
Megan leaned her head back, “But the sex was amazing.”
I rolled my eyes, “Is it really necessary to say that?”
“Sorry.”
Then I watched Megan stand, excusing herself, “Oh lord, I have to pee.”
She walked away from me but towards my bathroom, and she walked through my room and disappeared. I didn’t know why she had chosen my bathroom instead of Shawn’s but I didn’t question it. I’m sure she had her weird ass reasons.
I glanced at the clock and realized it was actually getting pretty late now that it was just turning ten, and I wondered if Megan was planning on driving home. I knew she had stopped drinking about an hour ago but she was still technically drunk.
What if she asked to sleep over?
Then I heard a noise coming from my room and I decided to investigate. I stood, walking over to my door and peering inside, seeing Megan standing at one of my shelves that held a few old pictures of me and my family.
I joined her, “What you doin?”
She picked up a picture of me and my mom when I was around two years old, “You were fucking adorable as a baby.”
I laughed, “What do mean were? I’m still fucking adorable.”
She rolled her eyes, laughing, “Adorably annoying I guess.” Then she set down my picture and looked at me, “I should probably get going, it’s pretty late.”
I sighed, “But it’s dark, and you’ve been drinking…”
She smiled, “I’m not drunk Sam.”
I shook my head, “I’m not saying that you are. I’m just… worried I guess.”
She tilted her head, “Are you suggesting I stay the night?”
I looked into her blue eyes that were eye level with me, which made something inside me quiver. She looked too beautiful, and the way she was looking at me managed to drive me insane.
I stepped forward slightly, tripping over a shoe and falling quickly into Megan who immediately tried to catch me. Luckily my bed caught us, but my landing on top of Megan hadn’t been expected at all, and I grunted slightly as I landed on my stomach.
She looked up at me, “Did you do that on purpose?”
I shifted myself but stayed over her, looking down, “Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t. Who knows?”
She mumbled, “Sam I need to go.”
I just looked down at her, studying everything about her features while I just stayed on top of her. I didn’t want her to leave, God it was the last thing I wanted, especially right now. I needed her to stay with me, and I needed her to want to as bad as me.
I whispered, “Stay with me tonight.”
She narrowed her eyes, not sure whether I was being serious or not but I was. I lifted my right leg, throwing it over the other side of her body as I straddled her, trapping her under me. I didn’t want her to leave me, I couldn’t spend another night alone, and I couldn’t spend it in some random person’s arms either.
I needed it to be her and no one else.
It was quiet, quiet enough for us to hear the music blaring from my phone in the living room. I listened silently to the faint sound of Def Leppard’s Hysteria as I watched Megan’s blue eyes take me in one last time. Everything about this moment was driving me crazy, and as I felt Megan’s body shift closer I knew I couldn’t control myself.
I just couldn’t take it anymore.
I kissed her, holding her face in my hands as I sat on her waist. It didn’t take her long for her to start kissing me back, and I felt her hands traveling down my back and to my waist. There was absolutely nothing better than this moment, and feeling Megan holding me the way she was only furthered the proof that she did in fact care about me a lot more than she let it on.
I didn’t know why this kiss felt different but it did, and Megan tasted like red wine and the smell of perfume and soap engulfed me. When Megan touched me I could feel my body scream, and my heart slammed even harder against my chest. I felt like I was on the long fall of a roller-coaster while I kissed her, and when her hands grabbed my thighs I lost it.
She rolled on top of me, kissing my neck in the process as her hands gripped my hips. I felt everything in me plead for a release from Megan, and as her mouth found mine again I realized we were both getting extremely carried away.
But as much as I wanted to sleep with Megan… now just wasn’t the right time.
I mumbled, “Wait…”
She pulled away, looking down at me, “What?”
I shook my head, “I don’t want to… you know…”
Her face kind of fell and I figured I needed to rephrase what I had said so I didn’t sound like a complete asshole.
I repeated, “I mean I want to, trust me, I do. Just not tonight.”
She tilted her head, “Well do you still want me to stay?”
I nodded, “I do.”
“Then I’ll stay.”