CHAPTER 7
AFTER TWO MONTHS
RAMCEL
“Rayanne…talk to me,” she heard Olivia’s voice from a distance but she ignored it. She just sat there miserably drinking the bourbon she took from her father’s private bar in his office as she sat infront of her computer staring at it blankly. She lost count of how many glass she already took. But no matter how many bottles of hard liquor she drank, it didn’t help her broken heart. Her mind kept wandering on that day she lost Victoria.
Ramcel had no one to blame but herself. Hinayaan nyang mawala sa kanya si Victoria. When her wife asked for permission to stay in Batangas every weekend to be with her father three months ago, she was secretly reluctant to say yes. Her instinct told her to say no but she couldn’t deny her wife the chance to be with her Dad so she agreed.
Alam nya na kapag pinayagan nya si Victoria, malaki ang chance na magkita ito at si Hector. Kahit sobrang takot ang nararamdaman nya, mas pinili nyang manaig ang tiwala at pagmamahal sa asawa. Ngunit tila nagkamali sya dahil iniwan sya ni Vi at pinili si Hector.
Masyado ba syang tumutok sa pagtupad ng mga pangarap nya kaya hindi na nya napag-iisipang mabuti ang mga naging pagpapasya? Did she become complacent when it came to her relationship with Victoria? Dapat ba pinagbawalan nya itong makipagkita sa pamilya nito? Dahil ang pagpayag nyang makasama ang Daddy nito, ay para na rin nya itong hinayaang makasama si Hector.
She trusted Victoria. Akala nya mahal sya nito. Akala nya silang dalawa na ang magkakasama habam-buhay. Akala nya mananatili ito sa tabi nya hanggang sa pagtanda. Akala lang pala. Marami ngang namamatay sa maling akala because her heart died the moment Victoria chose Hector.
If only she could turn back time. If only she changed her mind. If only she could have chosen not to board her plane going to Norway and stayed home maybe Victoria wouldn’t have left her.
She spent two weeks with her staff and crew in Norway. Nagshoot sila ng latest movie project nya. Inaamin nyang naging busy sya kaya hindi nya nagawang tawagan si Vi. Ni hindi rin nya nasagot ang mga messages nito. After one week, Vi didn’t send her any messages nor tried to call her but she ignored it. She thought her wife was busy in school.
Pagkatapos ng shoot nila sa Norway, she sent a message to Victoria informing her she just arrived in Dubai. It was unusual for Vi not to reply pero inisip na lang nyang baka sobrang busy nito. Sinubukan nya itong tawagan pero hindi nya macontact ang cellphone nito.
Dahil nagfocus sya sa ginagawang movie, she never thought that there was something wrong. They were married but they were still independent. Although Ramcel tried her best to stay connected with Vi kapag may trabaho sya, may nga instances na hindi nya iyon nagagawa but her wife had been understanding. Alam nito ang propesyon nya. Alam nitong demanding sa oras and Vi was okay with it.
As soon as makabalik sya ng Pilipinas galing Dubai, dumiretso sya sa condo dahil miss na miss na nya si Vi at gustong-gusto na nya itong makita. Tiyak na maso-sorpresa yun dahil hindi nya sinabi kung kailan sya uuwi. It was a Friday late afternoon, mamayang gabi pa yun makakauwi kaya dumaan muna sya sa flower shop and bought a bouquet of blue irises bago umuwi. Tiyak na magugulat yun kapag nadatnan sya nito sa condo.
Pagdating sa condo, tumawag muna sya to have food delivered dahil walang pagkain sa ref bago sya dumiretso sa kwarto para magshower saglit. Nang makapagbihis ng pambahay, in-arrange nya ang mga dalang bulaklak sa flower vase at ipinatong sa mesita ng sofa set para makita agad ni Vi pagpasok nito.
Sunod naman nyang pinagtuunan ng pansin ang luggage nya. Malinis ang mga damit nya dahil pina-laundry nya sa hotel bago umalis ng Dubai. She even bought new button downs to replace some of her old ones. Natigilan sya nang buksan nya ang closet nila ni Vi. Wala ang mga damit ng asawa.
Napakunot ang noo nya kasabay nang paglakas ng tibok ng puso nya sa kaba at takot. Binuksan din nya ang mga drawers kung saan nakalagay ang ibang mga garments ni Vi. They were all empty. Naroon pa din ang ilang mga sapatos ng asawa pero karamihan sa mga iyon ay wala.
Saan nagpunta si Vi? Kung sa Batangas ito pumunta, bakit kailangang dalhin nito lahat ng mga damit? Her mind kept telling her the answer but she ignored it. There must be an explanation.
Ramcel tried calling Vi’s cellphone pero nakapatay ito. Sunod nyang tinawagan si Maristela ngunit hindi rin ito sumasagot. Tinawagan nya si Jenny and she tried to sound casual baka maalarma ito o kaya pagtawanan na napa-praning sya dahil magkasama lang pala ang mga ito. But to her disappointment, Vi’s not with Jenny. Isang buwan na raw ang mga itong hindi nagkikita.
She also contacted Lauren and Helena pero hindi nila kasama ang asawa. Tita Isabelle was not an option. Baka wala rin itong alam at mag-alala lang ito kay Vi. Nakausap din nya si Reese, who told her she haven’t seen Victoria in a while.
She carefully checked her wife’s last messages. Nothing unusual. Wala rin itong nabanggit kung sa Batangas ba muna ito mananatili. Pero may culinary class si Vi. Alam nyang hindi nito iiwanan basta iyon.
She tried Vi’s cellphone again but still no answer. Kahit kinakabahan sya, she tried to calm herself so she could think clearly. Napapikit sya saka huminga nang malalim. When she was about to call Vi again, her eyes caught something on top of the bedside table. It was a letter.
Gusto nyang batukan ang sarili. Medyo nakahinga sya nang maluwag. Nag-iwan pala ng note ang asawa. Vi wouldn’t take off just like that without an explanation. Naunahan sya ng paranoia kanina kaya hindi nya napansin ang sulat nito.
Umupo sya sa gilid ng bed malapit sa side table saka kinuha ang nakatuping sulat. She unfolded it and started reading.
Ram, I’m sorry… Fear completely surrounded her heart just by reading that. I couldn't think of anything to make this easier... Ramcel folded the letter again. Her heart started pounding. Napatitig lang sya sa sulat. She wanted to stop reading. If she’d continue, it was like opening Pandora’s box.
But she needed to know. Maybe she was just being paranoid again. Maybe it wasn’t something bad. She took the letter and continued. I thought my love for you is strong enough to make me stay. But it's not. Nagsimulang mag-init ang gilid ng mga mata nya. I must follow my heart. What?
You must be wondering why I'm doing this. I fell in love with someone else. She fell in love with someone else? Ganun lang kadali yun? Unti-unting nadudurog ang puso nya habang itinutuloy ang pagbabasa. It was unexpected. Hindi ko sinasadya. Akala ko ikaw lang ang kaya kong mahalin but I was wrong. I tried to fight it. I tried to stay in love with you but my feelings for him is stronger. Anong ibig sabihin nun? Did she fell out of love? HIM. She meant Hector.
Then she remembered how Victoria’s eyes lit up when he saw Hector at the restaurant by the lake. How she laughed mirthfully when they were brushing each other with paint. How Vi kissed Hector back at the garden. How she refused to make love with her then found her naked with Hector the next day.
Madaming signs but she chose to ignore them. Mas nangibabaw ang pagmamahal nya para kay Victoria. She chose to have faith in their love. Ramcel trusted her wife’s words. Na hindi sya ito iiwan. Na hindi nito kayang mawala sya.
I woke up realizing that whatever we have is not what I want. Gusto kong magka-anak. Gusto kong bumuo ng pamilya. Those are things na hindi ko magagawa if we're together. So ngayon lang nya na-realize ang lahat nang yan pagkatapos nilang magpakasal? They just got married few months ago, for god’s sake! They were still supposed to be on honeymoon stage!
I know how much you love me and I thank you for that. Thank you? You’re not supposed to thank me. You’re supposed to love me back and keep your promises! You must be furious right now. She was right about that. Bakit hindi nito nagawang sabihin sa kanya ang lahat nang ito nang harapan? How could she leave her just like that?
I am sorry for hurting you but I must say goodbye.That’s it? Goodbye?! Did Victoria expect her to just accept everything just like that?
I have to do this. I hope that someday you would understand why I did what I did. Paano nya maiintindihan yun? You chose to break my heart, she thought sadly. Sad wasn’t even the correct word.
She remembered J.K Rowling’s description of the dementors in her book. It described exactly how she felt at that time. It was suddenly cold and she couldn’t move. It was like happiness was being suck out of her. Everything was dark and she couldn’t run away. It was like daylight was no longer coming. That she would be stuck there forever without escape.
I am doing this because I am choosing the one that I trully love. This is goodbye, Ram. She really ended everything. There was finality in her words. Tila para nitong sinasabi na wala na syang magagawa pa.
Hindi pwede to. Tatanggapin lang ba nya ito basta-basta? Should she just let her go? It was so unfair. Pinaglalaruan ba sya ng tadhana? She loved Victoria all her life. Was that not enough? Hindi ba pwedeng sa kanya na lang ito habam- buhay?
“Pero hindi ka na nya mahal!” Her mind reminded her. But that’s impossible? Posible bang mawala ang pagmamahal nang ganun lang? I woke up realizing that whatever we have is not what I want. Umalingawngaw sa utak nya ang sinulat ni Victoria.
She needed to see her. She needed to talk to Victoria. She dialed Lauren’s number. “I need you now, please,” she pleaded.