PART FOUR
END OF THE TRIAL PERIOD
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LIZZIE
Lizzie's "I'm feeling like a garbage fire's garbage" Playlist:
1. Why am I like this? Orla Gartland...
My fingers hovered over the phone screen, unable to hit the play button. It was like all the strength evaporated from my body. I couldn't even get out of my van when I got home after I... after I did that. Oh, god I can't believe I did that.
Swallowing a bit of sickness back down my throat, my tears bubbled up to the surface. With a sniff, I changed the title of my playlist:
Lizzie's "Break Up" Playlist:
2. Cellophane by FKA Twigs
Still, I couldn't hit play. The whole car trembled around me as my car exhaust billowed up in the crisp autumn air. The lamppost outside my house cast my driveway in.
I changed the title again.
Lizzie's "The songs that will make Lizzie cry the quickest" Playlist:
3. As Long as He Needs Me from Oliver! (Original Cast Recording)
Lizzie's "What have I done?" Playlist:
4. Say Something by A Great Big World
This little phone held all my secrets. I poured my heart into every playlist and right now, it read like a diary of my past few months of all the playlists shifting from the "Hating my friend's friends" playlist to my "Crush" playlist and even my playlist all about kissing Parker. What it was like when her body was pressed against mine.
This was my car.
But Parker was all around it. I could envision her tubs of costumes and supplies in the back. I could see her long legs hiked up on my dash and how she talked endlessly with no filter. I could see her copper hair whip around like a cyclone as she rolled down the window and stuck her hand out so she could pretend to fly.
Closing my eyes, I let my seat drop all the way down and the last of my resolve snapped into a thousand sharp, ugly splinters. Pressing my hands over my eyes, I sobbed and let all my tears fall down the side of my face and wet the backs of my ears.
I wasn't ever going to leave this van.
Lots of people live in vans.
It'll become my thing. Not the lonely girl thing. The girl never leaving her car and facing the world thing.
A soft knock on my window just made me whine as I tried twisting the faucet behind my face off. My miserable expression tightened, and my lips quivered, fighting my desire to hide. My brother Danny's voice sounded a little muffled behind the glass, but it might also have something to do with the fact that I had never heard him speak so softly before, not even to babies or cute animals. I was softer and more fragile than any of that.
"Hey, Lizzie," he said. "Just coming to see if everything's alright... You've kind of been in the car a while. Do you wanna come inside-?"
"No!" I yelled.
After a pause, he asked, "Then, can I join you?"
Draping my arm over my face, I used my free hand to unlock the door. Quietly, Danny climbed inside the passenger seat. He adjusted the heater. I hadn't realized how cold it had gotten in here until the burst of hot air melted the layer of ice across my skin. Danny lowered his seat to match mine and after a few seconds, he tried again.
He spoke the way you carefully cradle a newborn baby with so much love and care, but holding on tight enough so you'd never drop them. "If you wanna talk about it, you can. You don't have to talk, but I'm just worried."
"That's the thing," I whimpered and turned away from him as I desperately used my sleeves to clean up my face. "I don't have anyone to talk to."
"That's not true. You can talk to me. I mean, I know I'm at college, but you can always call me. Always... how bad was your day?"
A miserable laugh shook out of me. "So bad!"
My heart started beating faster. I could feel my anxiety bubble up and fizzle at the top of my skin, but I felt tired. My jaw was tired from keeping my mouth shut for so long. Danny glanced at my phone, at the playlist lighting up the screen.
"Well, this isn't gonna help. Where's your old playlist? What was it? Songs not technically about butts, but are totally about butts?"
I snorted. "I made that in like middle school."
"You never forget your favorites."
Finally, I dropped my hands and a little wave of cool air put out my enflamed face. With a sniff, I mustered up a smile that quickly crumbled and turned into another sob. "Danny..."
"Yeah?"
"I... There's a girl I've been dating, but we just broke up, but I still really like her. And I broke up with her, but I don't know if I made the right decision. I don't know what to do with all these emotions and these feelings. I feel like I'm going crazy."
"You're not crazy," Danny whispered. He sat up in his seat and motioned me into his arms. I shot up like a whip and buried myself inside his chest, grabbing fistfuls of his hoodie. It had that guy smell, that spicy smell mixed with standard soap. "Can I ask why you broke up with her?"
"I just..." I huffed, trying to catch my breath and also suck up at least a little of my snot so I didn't ruin Danny's shirt. "I just didn't think she needed a girlfriend. Not right now."
"Oh, Lizzie..." He rubbed my back. "You have just the biggest heart in the world. If people were a tenth as kind as you, we'd live in such a better place. I think you're more tuned in with your emotions than people twice your age are. Cry. It's not childish... I'm really sorry. You shouldn't be in this sad van."
"Hey," I laughed, my nerves still frayed at the edges.
"We should be getting McDonald's or stuffing your face with ice-cream."
"Not McDonald's. We started dating at a McDonald's."
He snickered. "Well look on the bright side, maybe you dodged a bullet—"
I shoved him and he laughed. We calmed down a little and Danny just released a long sigh that made his body deflate. He leaned in, pressing a kiss to my forehead and I closed my eyes and wiped away the last of my tears.
"Thanks, Lizzie," he said. "For telling me. So, does that make you gay? Bi? I mean, you don't have to decide now or whatever but—"
"I'm gay, but you can't..." I said, my stomach squirming. From the tips of my ears to my toes, I flushed. "You can't tell Mom or Dad or anyone."
"God, of course not. I would never. I won't tell anyone until you're comfortable and then, when you are, I'll tell everyone about my super cool lesbian sister who has sick playlists and is the prettiest crier I've ever seen, Jesus Christ. Give everyone else a chance."
"Shut up." I rolled my eyes.
"Do you want to go inside?"
"Yeah."
I fixed my seat back up and turned off my engine. By the time I climbed out of the car, Danny was there with his arms opened wide. I threw my arms around him and squeezed him as tight as I could, even lifting him up a little. He kissed the top of my head and didn't release me as we walked up our porch into the house.
When I got home, I thought I'd have to cry myself to sleep, but I didn't. I fell asleep watching TV with Danny curled up in my bed. I didn't sleep all alone in the world, like I thought I would.
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AUTHOR'S NOTE
Not to pull out some spoilers, but this book has Five Parts ;) We're really close to the end and it's so wild to me. I feel like I've been writing this book for forever.
I hope you guys liked the update. Coming Out is such a special, important moment and I always knew Lizzie wouldn't Come Out to her parents, but like me, she's more comfortable with her siblings (shout out to my sister/best friend Rebecca).
Twitter: @AuburnMorrow
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