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Part Four: Lizzie

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Lizzie's "I'm feeling like a garbage fire's garbage" Playlist:

1. Why am I like this? Orla Gartland...

My fingers hovered over the phone screen, unable to hit the play button. It was like all the strength evaporated from my body. I couldn't even get out of my van when I got home after I... after I did that. Oh, god I can't believe I did that.

Swallowing a bit of sickness back down my throat, my tears bubbled up to the surface. With a sniff, I changed the title of my playlist:

Lizzie's "Break Up" Playlist:

2. Cellophane by FKA Twigs

Still, I couldn't hit play. The whole car trembled around me as my car exhaust billowed up in the crisp autumn air. The lamppost outside my house cast my driveway in.

I changed the title again.

Lizzie's "The songs that will make Lizzie cry the quickest" Playlist:

3. As Long as He Needs Me from Oliver! (Original Cast Recording)

Lizzie's "What have I done?" Playlist:

4. Say Something by A Great Big World

This little phone held all my secrets. I poured my heart into every playlist and right now, it read like a diary of my past few months of all the playlists shifting from the "Hating my friend's friends" playlist to my "Crush" playlist and even my playlist all about kissing Parker. What it was like when her body was pressed against mine.

This was my car.

But Parker was all around it. I could envision her tubs of costumes and supplies in the back. I could see her long legs hiked up on my dash and how she talked endlessly with no filter. I could see her copper hair whip around like a cyclone as she rolled down the window and stuck her hand out so she could pretend to fly.

Closing my eyes, I let my seat drop all the way down and the last of my resolve snapped into a thousand sharp, ugly splinters. Pressing my hands over my eyes, I sobbed and let all my tears fall down the side of my face and wet the backs of my ears.

I wasn't ever going to leave this van.

Lots of people live in vans.

It'll become my thing. Not the lonely girl thing. The girl never leaving her car and facing the world thing.

A soft knock on my window just made me whine as I tried twisting the faucet behind my face off. My miserable expression tightened, and my lips quivered, fighting my desire to hide. My brother Danny's voice sounded a little muffled behind the glass, but it might also have something to do with the fact that I had never heard him speak so softly before, not even to babies or cute animals. I was softer and more fragile than any of that.

"Hey, Lizzie," he said. "Just coming to see if everything's alright... You've kind of been in the car a while. Do you wanna come inside-?"

"No!" I yelled.

After a pause, he asked, "Then, can I join you?"

Draping my arm over my face, I used my free hand to unlock the door. Quietly, Danny climbed inside the passenger seat. He adjusted the heater. I hadn't realized how cold it had gotten in here until the burst of hot air melted the layer of ice across my skin. Danny lowered his seat to match mine and after a few seconds, he tried again.

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