After I drove away from Luke's house, I couldn't stop the tears. It wasn't just because of his loving words, but the relief. I was very fucking afraid for a moment there. And just then I had realized how much more complicated that whole fucking situation actually was. That I physically couldn't tell people, because I was so afraid. Not because of the gay thing - well, not only. But because I had realized Luke deserved to know the whole truth about me, before he was able to say, he would love me no matter what.
When I came home, I quickly made my way to the bathroom without anybody noticing. No, dont you dare think Luke brought me to cut myself again. No one brought me to do it. It was my choice of how to deal with my inner pain. A pain caused by one person and one person only. And that person wasn't Luke or Cody or anybody in this beautiful messed up town. Not even Camilla. And it wasn't because of what Luke said, at all. The whole situation just showed me, what a fuck up I really was. That the gay thing wasn't even the biggest problem here. Sure it scared the living shit out of me at the beginning, but I was over that.
Seeing the blood roll in thin rivers down my inner thigh, made me release the breath I was apparently holding. Or maybe it was just a mental breath. But I felt some sort of release. And the fucking pain. God, it hurts like a bitch. I quickly searched for a bandage, so my bedsheets wouldn't be soaked in blood. Yeah I know, that sounds disgusting, thank you very much.
I fell back on my bed and breathed into the pain. It was kind of a relief to know where the pain was coming from, who caused it and how to heal it. Not like with my emotional pain, that wasn't as strong anymore. Its like cutting up your wounds, because you are afraid of the scars.
Suddenly, my phone was buzzing. With a heavy sigh, I turned around and grabbed it from the bedside table. I winced a little, when I abruptly sat up, putting my full weight on the fresh cut now. Taking a deep breath to ease the pain always helped. A little at least. Pulling yourself together, you know? I took a look at the text I had received.
Your Romeo❤️: Hope you had fun with your friends. Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow - wanna come over after school? Night babe
A sad smile crept its way to my lips. Why was everything so difficult? I should be happy. I had the best boyfriend, from what I could tell so far, don't wanna jinx it, in the whole wide world and he accepted me the way I was. My friends were amazing and just as supportive as my mom and Cody. But why the fuck couldn't I just be less hurting? I was happy, they all made me happy, but I was still in so much fucking pain. And now, there was another person in my life I had to be strong for. He would beg the differ, but I wanted him to have just as of an amazing boyfriend as I had. So far, I was doing a pretty shitty job at that.
I would have probably cried myself to sleep that night, but I had promised myself I would be strong. For my family, my friends and for him. And thats what I did, being strong. I could barly sleep, because let me tell you something, being strong and botteling everything up is fucking exhausing. Like, crying would probably be less stressful all night. But hey, you gotta do what you gotta do, am I right?
-
"You look like shit" Nick grinned, his arm snaked around his new girlfriend. Or old girlfriend. Honestly, I was still the new kid, just like Cody, and I had already lost count of Nicks girlfriends. How are there still girls here he hasn't dated yet?? What was the name of that one again? A fuck me, I don't remember.
"Wow thanks dude" I replied a little too bitchy, as I sat down my tray, with nothing but a bottle of water and an apple on it, on the table and took a seat between Romeo and Amelie. I wasn't hungry, like at all. I hadn't eaten anything since Saturday evening, which wasn't long honestly, I used to go days without eating one bite. Its not that I'm anorexic or something. No, really, I usually like to eat a lot.
Its just that when I'm down, I don't feel like eating too much. And ever since the incident, when I'm not 100% up for it, I can't swallow anything, even when its my favorite food. It's just physically impossible. And it's not everyday, like I said, after the incident it was very common for me to not eat much, but after we had moved here, I started eating more again, until I had a normal teenage boys diet. So mostly fast food and soda.
But that day was one of those, where I couldn't eat for shit. I was just gonna throw it up anyway. The apple was mostly to make it less obvious, that I had an empty tray, especially Cody and Romeo shouldn't notice.
"Sorry man, but you really look like absolute shit" Nick repeated himself.
I let out an annoyed sigh, as I picked up my water bottle to take a sip from it. Or should I say a fake sip. "I just didn't sleep well last night " I grumbled. I felt everbodys eyes on me. I knew especially Cody and Romeo were a little worried now, but also Luke and Amelie probably noticed how crushed I must have looked. Even Jaxson looked a little uneasy. Fucks sake, can't everybody just mind their own damn business? I knew they genuinely cared about me, but they just couldn't help, so I didn't need their worries or pity.
"Did it start again?" Cody asked, sounding a little cold. I don't know why, but he was probably just very anxious, because if it would have started again, that would mean he would be up all night as well, trying to comfort me and having to take my yelling for him to leave me alone. I knew I was acting like a little kid, but hey, being sleep deprived can do that to you.
"No, nothing started" I retorted, giving him a look that said, he should shut his mouth. He was walking on thin ice here. One wrong word and everything would become miserable.
"You didn't eat anything this morning" Cody stated, looking at me intensely, like we were the only ones in the room. Did he forget that our friends were so fucking close and listening to us??
"What? Are you spying on me now?" I spit back at him, taking another fake sip from my water bottle to show him, he didn't have to worry.
"Blake! You have to eat something!" he said, now worry replaced the anger in his eyes.
"Fucking hell, just drop it already" I rolled my eyes at him.
"Blake, I am not playing this game again, ok? You have to eat something" he said, handing me a slice of bread. Nick and Jaxson were trying their best to get into their own conversation again, as they felt like they were intruding on a good old brother on brother spat. Amelie and Luke tried to mind their own business again as well, just Romeos eyes remained on me.
"I can't" I whispered, shoving the bread back on Codys tray. His eyes widened a little, as if he hadn't seen it coming. But of course he did.
"Please, no Blake. I- I- Please just eat the bread. You can stop it now and you won't suffer any longer, ok? Remember last time? You just have to do it" Cody tried to say as calmly and softly as he could to not bring everybody's attention right back to me. He handed me the bread again.
I knew he was right, the last time I also just had to do it a few times and I was over it again. I could do this. At least to make Romeos eyes less worried. I quickly took the bread from Codys hand and took one last look at it. Its just bread, for fucks sake Blake, you can do it.
I took a big bite out of the bread and started chewing it. I could already feel my throat closing at the mere thought of swallowing that chewed up mass in my mouth. Its not a big deal, just fucking do it, I thought. And so I swallowed it. But my throat had different plans as I coughed it all up again. It must have looked ridiculous, that the new star football player, a pretty ok muscular build guy, was struggling to eat some fucking bread. I swallowed it again and this time, succeeded. The feeling of getting sick overtook my mind now.
Cody and Romeo visibly relaxed when I finally swallowed that fucking bread. Great, now I have to hate bread. Ok, I will never hate it, its too darn good. But not in that moment. I felt sick to my stomach, but I knew I could not leave to throw it all up again. Cody would know. I had to leave it there and hope that I was about to get out of that phase.
"Anyway, Blake, do you wanna hang out after school? Luke and I wanted to hit the mall, wanna join?" Amelie asked.
"Sure" I shrugged. Suddenly I felt a hand on my upper thigh and I blushed like crazy, when I glanced over at Romeo. Oh fuck right!
"Oh shoot! Sorry Ams, I can't! I totally forgot I have this- uh- thing- this-project due and I have to go to my physics partners house and work on it" I lied. Physics was the only course I had with neither Amelie nor Luke.
"That doesn't happen to be the girl who gave you those bite marks?" Amelie replied, wiggling her eyebrows. Fucks sake Ams! Everybody started laughing, but when I heard chuckles next to me, I turned my head and met Romeos gaze. Oh he was enjoying this so fucking much. I glared at him to shut the hell up. After all, it was his fault that I was now "marked"
"Ohh does my little brother have a girlfriend I don't know of?" Cody asked.
"Jesus, shut up, I don't have a girlfriend" I said, rolling my eyes. I wasn't lying. There was no girlfriend to be found, but I was in a relationship, to be fair.
"Yeah, Yeah whatever, tell her hi from me and that maybe next time, she should keep her teeth to herself. I mean, come on, does she think thats pleasing?" Amelie giggled. Oh, but if you only knew how fucking pleasing it is Amelie, I thought to myself. Another chuckle escaped Romeo and this time, I had to elbow him slightly in the ribs, which only added to his amusement.
This was a mess.
-
When I was walking out of the school, I was feeling a little lighter. Just the outlook of having a whole afternoon to spend only with Romeo, was pushing all of those negative thoughts to the back of my head. I was so exited to just, for a few hours, not feel as down and uneasy as every other minute of my fucked up excuse of a life.
But when I pushed those heavy front doors of our school open, my eyes searched the whole parking lot, but couldn't find Romeo. Did he cancel? I couldnt take another disappointment right now or else I would break down.
"Missed me?" A voice next to me questioned, making me jump. When I turned my head, Romeo was grinning at me with a cigarette between his fingers. Fucker.
"Jesus, do you want to give me a heart attack you asshole?" I said, nudging him into his side. He just chuckled in response. Romeo was wearing some dark sunglasses and let me tell you, if we weren't in a public space, I would have fucked him then and there.
"Don't start drooling" Romeo smirked as he offered me one of his cigarettes, which I happily accepted. "What are you doing here anyway?" I questioned, before leaning into the fire he was offering me.
"I thought it would be best if we waited a few minuted since nobody should know that I am that physics partner of yours. Or should I say girlfriend" he grinned. God he was going to be the death of me wasn't he?
"Oh thats so thoughtful of you baby girl" I replied, poking out my tongue. Two can play this game.
"Don't thank me you big muscular manly-" he leaned in closer with every word.
"Ok ok I get it " I chuckled, smacking my hand on his face, to stop him from coming any closer. We both giggeled a little at our childish interaction. How did I get this lucky? With Romeo, everything was just... easy. Almoust natural, like nothing I had ever experienced with anybody before.
"So tell me.. were those bite marks really not that pleasing?" he asked, blowing out some smoke.
"Oh believe me, they were very much pleasurable" I chuckled, taking another hit from my cigarette.
-
When we entered Romeos house (or mansion as I like to call it) all I wanted to do, was go upstairs and kiss him, maybe even more. I had craved him all day. Maybe it was because I was really hungry, for food in that case, and I had mistaken it for lust? No, I was definitely horny.... Oh well. I mean, he was my boyfriend and I was allowed to be attracted to him... so sue me.
Romeo closed the front door behind me and gave me a cheeky smile. He nodded his head to the stairs and I couldn't help but grin as I bite my lip. Our hands intertwined and he led me towards the stairs.
"Romeo? Are you home?" I heard a manly voice call from what I suspect to be the living room. My head snapped back to Romeo, who closed his eyes and let out a deep sigh. "Such a fucking cockblock" he muttered and I couldn't hold back my laughter. What an Idiot. "Ok lets get this over with" he said taking my hand and leading me to, I was correct, the living room.
"There is my fav- Oh hello! And who might we have here?" an older man, around his late forties asked, who I suspected to be Romeos father. They didn't look very similar, except for the eyes. And the smile. Yeah that was definitely his dad, oh god I was about to officially meet his parents as the boyfriend! Oh shit, now I was nervous! Would Romeo even introduce me as such? Would they accept me? Would his dad like me?? Oh jeez, this was stressful!
"Aw you brought Blake!" Heather sang, getting up from the couch and embracing me in a warm hug. Oh how I had missed Heathers hugs. This is what a mothers hugs should feel like. Not that my mom was bad, no, not at all, I loved her to death! She gave up everything for me and I couldn't thank her enough for choosing me over him. She was perfect! Just not that affectionate. But thats fine. It made me stronger! I think...
"Mom, let go of him" Romeo grumbled. He wasn't jealous of his mom, was he? I couldn't help but chuckle at that thought. Heather glared at her son as she returned to her husbands arms on the comfy couch. They were cuddled up in front of the firer place, although it was only like 4 in the afternoon. They each had a cup with hot cider in their hand. His dad was wearing a velvet dark blue blazer (a little weird in my opinion), black suit pants and a white shirt. His mom was wearing a floor long, dark purple and orange flower dress and had some dark but festive make up on. They looked like they were ready to head off to a Christmas party, but it was only November. Seriously, how was Romeo part of this family??
"So I suppose this is the famous Blake you have been ranting on about" Romeos father said. I looked at Romeo with a cheeky smile. So he hasn't only told them about me, but has been ranting on about me?? Romeo only rolled his eyes.
"Mom, dad this is Blake, my boyfriend" he said, taking my hand in his again. I was a little taken aback by that. Maybe I really didn't expect him to introduce me as his boyfriend or maybe, I was just afraid of their reaction. But Heathers smile only grew wider and Romeos dad casually sipped on his mug.
"Its a pleasure to meet you Blake. I expect you to take good care of my son and I expect nothing less from him in return" he flashed me a Romeo-like smile.
"Of course Mr Brooks" I returned the smile.
"Oh please, call me Jim!"
"Ok, as wonderful as this has been, we have to work on the football strategy for the big game coming up. So if you'd excuse us" Romeo said, taking my hand and leading me to the stairs again.
"Of course honey, but please, be safe!" Heather yelled after us. Safe? Oh nooo, she didn't think that-
"Wrap it before you tap it!" Jim called after us, as we made our way up to Romeos room. I blushed like crazy, but Romeo only grumbled. When we entered the room and closed the door behind us, Romeo let out a heavy sigh, as he leaned against the closed door. "I am sorry for them, they get so annoying I mean-" But he was cut off with my lips hungrily pressed against his. He hummed in approval and let his hand snake around the back of my neck, pulling me closer. I rested my arms against his chest and took fistful of his shirt to get even closer, if that was even possible.
This wasn't just a passionate kiss, it was a kiss filled with need and desirer. We were both more than hungry for the other persons electric touch, wherever we could get it. Romeo wasted no time, pulling my hoodie over my head and getting his own leather jacket off. He carefully pushed me backwards, until my knees hit the bed, making me fall onto the mattress. With glassy eyes and messy hair, I waited until Romeo pulled his shirt over his head and climbed back on top of me, reconnecting our lips as one.
I let my hands roam free over Romeos naked torso, as Romeos hands went to the buckle of my belt. He started to kiss down my jaw, until he reached my neck, while he yanked my pants down. Suddenly, he stopped. "Is this ok for you? We can stop whenever you want" he said, his green forest resembling eyes piercing into my blue ones. I said it once and I will say it again: Asking for consent is fucking sexy. I quickly nodded with a cheeky smile plastered on my face and pulled him back down to me, feeling his smile against my lips.
My hands wandered down to the buttons of his jeans, trying to open them, which, if you are currently not looking and exploring the other persons mouth with your tongue, is not very easy! I grumpled in annoyance. "Fuck" I hissed, pulling away from Romeo enough to see what my hands were trying to accomplish.
"You are lucky I'm not wearing a bra" he joked, poking out his tongue. "Shut the fuck up" I said, yanking down his pants, after finally succeeding in opening them.
Now we both were wearing nothing but our boxers. I bit down Romeos bottom lip, which made him release the sweetest sound known to mankind. My erection was fucking throbbing at that point. How could one person turn me on like this? But judging from the bulge in his boxers, I guess I was doing a pretty good job with that myself. He started grinding our dicks together, as he placed small kisses around my torso, making me a moaning mess.
I pulled his face back up and locked our lips in a passionate kiss, while arching my back to meet his movements. Normally, I would have given everything to be on top, but frankly, I was way to horny to take control over the situation. I buried my face in the crock of his neck, sucking and licking at his sweet spot. My lips curled into a smile against his skin, when a moan escaped his plump, now slightly swollen, lips.
Suddenly, he moved slightly off of me, one of his legs still between mine, as he pushed me down to the bed, so I was laying flat on it. His head followed mine and I felt his lips move against mine again. I loved how we had found our own, perfect rhythm, that you could easily speed up or slow down. His hand, that had cupped my face, slowly moved down my bare chest, reaching my stomach. His fingers slowly trailed down, reaching the waistband of my boxers, going even further until his hand rested on my, still with the thin fabric covered, bulge. I let out a shaky breath, when he started to massage me through the fabric of my boxers. My right hand wandered down to his ass and gave it a light squeeze, while my other was holding onto his shoulder for dear life. My nails were digging into his soft skin, as he was teasingly slow with the movements of his hand.
I was panting like crazy at this point, but Romeo refused to leave me lips with his as we again found our perfect rhythm. Suddenly, his hand stopped moving and made its way up to my waistband again. Slowly, he let at first his fingers go under the waistband and painfully slowly let his hand follow, as he reached my now bare erection. His fingers seductively stroke over my hard member, but didn't grab it jet. Fucking tease. He let his hand trail down to my thigh and my eyes widened in fear. Quickly, I jerked away from him, leaving enough space between us and a confused and worried Romeo.
It wasn't that he went too far too fast , no really, I was more than willing to at least take it one step further. But his hand had brushed the fresh cut on my thigh. Yes, it hurt a bit, stung you could say, but that wasn't the point. I had realized, that Romeo could never ever see my cuts, if they are just scars or fresh didn't matter. I was afraid he might think I was weak or disgusting. That he wouldn't understand it and get mad. I wasn't ready to show him my scars and I just prayed that he hadn't felt them in the split second his fingers had traced over them.
"Are you ok?" he asked very worried, as if he had done something so fucking wrong. I must have looked like a mess, like he had just molested me or something. I didn't even know what to say.. my mind was completely blank. I didn't want to worry him, I just wanted to have a normal fucking relationship for fucks sake.
"Uhm sorry, I- its nothing really... Uh I'm sorry" I said, unable to find the right words, if those even exist.
"Hey hey, its alright, I told you, we can stop whenever you want! I don't want to rush you or anything, ok? I'm sorry if I went too far, really...I hope you can forgive me?" he asked, taking my shaking hands between his, caressing them. Fuck, how was he so perfect?
"No, its not.. you don't have to apologize, please. I- I'm sorry, maybe that was a bit too fast" I lied "C-Can you maybe drive me home? I'm so sorry, I promise, I'm not mad or anything, really I just- I need to be at home for the evening" Those words hurt myself more than I had hurt him.
"Yeah, of course, whatever you need babe" he said, placing a loving kiss on the back of my hand. I leaned forward and placed a small kiss on his lips, to show him, that it really wasn't his fault and that he didn't have to worry about me leaving him or shit.
-
Romeo gave me a loving kiss, as I left his car a few houses down my road. I think he had still felt bad about the whole 'going too far' thing, which I honestly hated. It was bad enough, that I made myself feel like shit, I didn't have to make my boyfriend feel bad as well. When I turned the key in the lock to my house, I already heard shouting from inside.
"Don't ever call here again and leave us alone!" my mother yelled into the speaker, while my brother sat on the counter, looking like he had cried. It was odd for Cody to cry. I had only seen it three times in my life. The first, was when he was 7 and I was 6. We had gotten a bunny for Christmas, which he had called Spinach. Don't know why. He was cute and I loved him, but Cody grew attached fast. He loved that bunny more than anything. A few months later, Spinach had chewed, again, threw some very expensive wire, when dad decided he had enough and brought him to the shelter. Cody cried for two days straight.
The second time was after the incident, when I had returned home, bruised and limping and told him what had happened. At first, he was stone cold and showed slim to none emotions whatsoever. But when we returned from the police station, he stayed with me the whole night, so I could get some sleep. I woke up at 4 am and heared his painful cries. It hurt to see him hurt.
The third time was, when he found me...in the bathtub. I will never forget the fear in his eyes. Never.
And this right here, was the fourth time. When my mom had hung up the phone angrily, her eyes met mine and soon Codys followed. They both looked like they had just seen a ghost. But they didn't even have to say it. I knew exactly who had called and why they were so distressed.
"Blake I-" Cody began, but I cut him off.
"He called, didn't he?" I asked, followed by a long silence. I knew this day would come, took him long enough to be honest. I was so anxious, because I would have guessed by the time he would decide to call, it would be to apologize. But my mom didn't look like she just heard him apologize. And Cody definitely didn't.
"So? What did dad say?"