Lizzo stood there, stunned. She turned to the rest of her family, relieved that they had stopped paying attention to her and Terrence. She huffed, grabbing his hand and shoving him back into the guest room.
"What the fuck? Why would you do that?" She pushed him as hard as she could, but barely moved him.
He put his hands up, surrendering, "Woah, why are you so upset? I just proved to you that we can actually do this...be together."
"UGH! What are you not understanding? I don't want to be with you! What did you think trapping me into dating you would actually work?!?! Now they expect us to be together! Hope your fucking ready for their disappointment."
Terrence grabbed her hands gently and whispered, "Just give me a chance. You deserve someone who will treat you with respect and I want to be that someone. Please."
She pushed him away from her again, this time knocking him back a bit. "What you did just now was not respectful. And stop being so fucking nice."
"Is that not what you want? I don't understand what the problem is here. You're pushing me away and I just want to love you."
"I'm not deserving of your love! Okay?" She sighed, crossing her arms and avoiding his eyes.
He approached her again and placed his hand on her cheek, caressing it. "Hey, what's that supposed to mean? Of course you deserve love. What's gotten into that brain of yours?"
"I can't do this." Tears began rolling down her cheeks and Terrence didn't hesitate to wipe them.
"Please tell me what's got you feeling this way. I want to help."
Lizzo shook her head and slapped his chest out of misplaced anger, "No, you can't help!"
For a moment, they stood there in complete silence, avoiding each other's eyes.
"Just tell me what your problem really is. The truth." Terrence whispered, still choosing not to look at her.
She sighed in defeat, "Aren't you still in the military? I don't want to fall in love with you just to see you go off to another country with the possibility of never coming back. There. Now you know."
"I'm always careful and I doubt I'll be taken in any time soon."
"What do you mean you're always careful? You think the soldiers who are dead and gone weren't careful? You could be the most cautious soldier out there, that doesn't stop you from getting hurt." Her eyes continued to water, a tear falling every now and then.
Terrence didn't have anything to say back to her, so he rubbed the back of his neck and walked out of the room, leaving her behind.
She took in a deep breath and sat on the guest bed her mom had just bought a new comforter for. It was so comfortable she ended up sprawled on the bed, staring up at the blank ceiling. Thoughts about Terrence circled her mind. Then Dave. One man she felt as if they were twin flames, the other being just a life lesson.
"Hey baby, you in here?" Shari called from outside the room.
Lizzo sniffed and wiped her face frantically, not wanting her mom to notice she'd been crying. "Oh, yes mama! I'll be right out!"
"Is it okay if I come in? I need to talk to you about somethin'."
"Yes, come on in." As her mom walked in she smiled, "I just haven't been able to get off this bed. The sheets are so nice."
"Well, how about you stay the night here? We need to catch up anyway. You've been so busy lately. You know your mama misses you." Shari grinned, laying right beside her daughter.
"Yeah, I know." Lizzo tilted her body so that she was facing her mother.
Shari smiled and hesitantly asked, "So, uh, you and that boy. Are you two really together or were you two messing with us?"
"No, mom. We're not. He wants to, but I don't. I'm pretty sure we're not on speaking terms after the argument we just had."
"Oh, hush. You know that boy is gonna come runnin' right back to you in a heartbeat. I've seen the way he looks at you."
Lizzo furrowed her eyebrows, "What do you mean by that? I mean, how does he look at me?"
"Girl, he looks at you with admiration and love." Shari reached to grab her child's hand, "That man loves you. I can see it in his eyes. Ever since he first laid eyes on you, I could tell he felt that way towards you. I'm just surprised he never acted on it. In my opinion, I think he waited too long. You're too comfortable with your life now, and I know you don't want any sudden changes."
"Yeah, that's exactly it. He doesn't seem to understand that though. Even if I did want to start a committed relationship with him, he's in the military mama. I don't want to end up losing him."
Shari smiled softly as she ran her fingers through her daughter's hair, "Baby, you're scared. Scared of losing another loved one. But you do realize that even if you choose not to be with him, he's still a close friend to you. The heartache will feel the same, and that's if something even happens to him. You can't keep living your life this way. I know that's why you're stuck in these relationships that are just about sex—"
"Mom!"
"Baby, I'm just being honest. You think you can go through life with no feelings attached. Notice how that's your only intention when you're interested in someone? You want love, but you're scared of it. So you push it away and find it in other places. Now, I can't tell you how to live because you're a grown woman, but I suggest you fight that fear of yours and look for actual love. Not just a hookup, okay?"
Lizzo nodded in agreement and Shari continued, "I know when we lost your father, that was really hard for you. And that's part of the reason you're afraid, but I know he's up there wanting the best for you. Take my advice please."
"Okay. Thank you, mom. I love you."
She hugged her mother tightly as Shari whispered, "I love you too, baby."
____
Shari grinned at Lizzo proudly, "It was nice spending time with you. Glad you haven't forgotten about me, now that you've made it big."
"Oh, mama stop." She smiled as she gave a goodbye hug to her mother.
"I'll see you later, alright?" Shari pointed at the window behind Lizzo, "Looks like somebody wants to talk to you."
She turned to see Terrence outside, holding something behind his back. She sighed, said her goodbyes one last time, and left the house.
She approached Terrence with caution, "What do you want?"
"Damn, that was cold. Can't I say goodbye to a close friend or is that against the law?"
"I'm sorry." She shook her head and avoided his eyes as she said, "What do you have there?"
She assumed it was flowers, but once he pulled the object from behind his back, she was surprised to see that it was a small journal.
"This is the notebook I bought the day I first met you. I used it all the way up until we finished high school. Go ahead, take it." He gestured it towards her.
Lizzo hesitantly grabbed it, but refused to look through it.
"What, you're not curious to see what's in it?"
"I know what's in it." She rolled her eyes, "You can't do this. It's not fair to me."
"What's not fair to you?" He questioned.
She exhaled heavily, "I'm trying my best to stay away from this weird tension that we now have because you couldn't keep your feelings to yourself! Please for the love of God, find another girl to be obsessed with. Take your fuckin' book back and call me when you want to be just friends. Goodbye, Terrence." She shoved the journal back into his hands and stormed off towards her car.
"Melissa."
She turned back around as she fought back tears, her voice cracking, "Don't fucking call me that."
"I just need you to read through it. That's all I'm asking of you. You don't have to do anything else for me. And you can forget about the way I feel about you. I'll get over it. Just please read the damn book."
"Fine!" She snatched it back from him, "I'm leaving now, are you cool with that?"
"Just, one last thing." He pushed her against her own car, their faces inches apart.
She couldn't take how painful it was to be this close to him and resist temptations. She dropped the journal in an attempt to push him away. "Get the fuck off of me, Terrence."
He grabbed her chin, forcing her to meet his eyes. He placed a kiss on the top of her forehead and moved away from her. He picked up the book to hand it back to her.
"I love you, Melissa. Goodbye."
Lizzo got inside her car and angrily slammed the door. She started to drive, but the tears filling her eyes were blurring her vision so she decided to stop in the parking lot of a vacant store.
She stared at the little blue book that was sitting in the passenger seat, almost taunting her. She reluctantly picked up the book and opened it up to the first page.
January 2nd, 2003
It's not like me to carry around a diary like some softie but I met the most beautiful girl this morning and I didn't want to forget this moment. She just moved in from Detroit, so she doesn't know anyone here. I had the privilege of showing her around. She had no makeup on, her hair was pulled up in a two messy puffs, and she was wearing a long tank top with some sweatpants. Now, typically someone looking like this is a hot mess, but she looked perfect. Her skin was flawless, her eyes were sparkling, and my God, that smile. When she smiled, I'm surprised I didn't pass out right there. She-
"Fuck this." She hiccuped as she slammed the book shut.
Lizzo threw the journal in the backseat, placed her head on the steering wheel and cried to her hearts content.