{DENIAL}

• two •

Lizzo was met face-to-face with Courtney as soon as she made it out of the dressing room.

"What the fuck were you two doing in there?" She said, angrily.

"Better question. Why didn't you, or anybody else for that matter, tell me that he was attending this show?"

Courtney waved her off, "Oh, please. We were just as surprised as you!"

Lizzo sighed heavily, and shook her head. She rubbed her temples with her index fingers, attempting to have more control over her feelings. She didn't want to seem weak.

"You look...regretful. What actually happened?" Courtney said, interrupting Lizzo's hectic thoughts.

"He was flirting with me, and then he tried to make a move, bu—"

Her best friend interrupted, "So that's why you look so flustered. You fucked him, didn't you?"

"What? No, of course not!" Lizzo looked towards the floor, avoiding eye contact with Courtney. She couldn't believe her own friend would think that of her.

"Damn, I thought you had more respect for yourself." And that's all Courtney said before walking off.

Lizzo stood there, feeling misunderstood. She debated on whether she should explain herself now, or wait for Courtney to cool off. While she was laying out the pros and cons of each decision, Courtney had already disappeared. This left Lizzo no choice but to wait to confront her about the whole situation later.

Courtney needed to know that Dave meant nothing to her. They hadn't spoken since they broke up, and that was an accomplishment for her. As soon as he showed up and made a pass at her, she was able to resist. She respected herself enough to reject the man she was madly in love with. He planned on using her, and she refused to let that happen.

Suddenly, she felt a hand on her shoulder. "Aye, you alright?"

Startled, she flinched and looked up quickly, only to find out it was just Jemel.

"I'm—yeah, I'm fine." She completely regretted the fact that she stumbled on her words because that was a clear sign that something was wrong. That was the opening for him to start asking more questions.

Jemel grabbed her hand empathetically, "Wait, what happened? You had a great show tonight! Please tell me you aren't doubting yourself."

"Not exactly." She released his hand and rubbed her arms shyly, "But, it doesn't matter. Really. I'm fine. I just want to get back to the hotel room."

"Lizzo, you have to start being more honest about these things. Do you know how hard it is to be there for you, when I'm left out of the loop every time?"

"You know, I've learned that if you just exclude your feelings from every relationship, there's no possibility for you to get hurt. So, you won't have to worry about how I feel anymore. As of now, my feelings don't fucking exist." With that, she walked off, feeling tears begin to roll down her cheeks. Of course, this disproved her whole point, but it was a good thing Jemel never noticed her crying.

Part of her believed he'd run after her, and pry until she finally told him everything. So, she waited in her car for almost fifteen minutes, watching the exit door like a hawk.

It never opened.

~~~

Lizzo woke up to the sound of her phone going off, telling her that she needed to wake up. She groaned and dismissed the alarm, having no intentions of actually getting up. This was one of those days. Those days when her depression and anxiety got the best of her, and she had zero motivation to do anything. These were the days when she missed her father the most.

Her father had always been the one to brighten up a room, and people liked to mention how she inherited that ability from him. His energy and positivity made everything better when she was a child. No matter what she was going through, even up until college, her dad never regretted to show her the best parts of a terrible situation. He was the rock that she was grateful to have since birth. They had that inseparable father-daughter relationship, that everyone wished for.

Unfortunately he passed away, (going on two years ago), because of a heart condition. She hated thinking about the week leading up to his death and the day of. It was the saddest moment of her life and every time she thought about it, her heart broke all over again. She was waiting for the day when it wouldn't hurt her as much to hear her father's name, or to have someone talk about how much of a character he was. But until then, she was stuck in her own sadness, with no escape.

——

"I'm sorry, there's just...there's nothing we can do. I wish it didn't have to be this way." The doctor said over the phone.

Lizzo felt an unbearable rage pulse through her, "What do you mean there's nothing you can do? You're a doctor! Do something! He doesn't deserve this, I need him! Please!"

"I'm sorry."

~~~

The day of his death was the worst of it all. Clearly, you'd think that's obvious, but it was the most traumatic experience she'd ever had. Every day, she wished it happened another way, or that she made it on time. She wished she was there. But there was no way to change that. And that's what really broke her heart. There was no do-over. There never would be.

——

"Said you wanted a real bitch, you ain't with the snake shit..." She sighed heavily, "No. No! That's not it!"

Lizzo was taking a shower, trying her best to brainstorm another song for the festival she was attending in a few months. She had just dropped out of school and was left with tons of free time, hence the extra songwriting. Once, she finished cleaning herself up and putting on fresh clothes, she went into the living room to check her phone for any gig updates.

She noticed there was a ridiculous amount of missed calls from her sister and her heart immediately dropped to her stomach.

Don't assume the worst. Don't manifest that shit. Don't assume the worst. Don't manifest that shit.

She repeated to herself, over and over. Finally, she worked up the courage to call her sister back.

It rang for a while, and Lizzo felt even more anxious waiting for her sister's voice. Finally, she picked up and said between sobs, "You're too late. Dad's dead!"

That's all Lizzo heard before the call ended. She immediately threw her phone on the ground, kneeled down and pressed her hands on the cold floor, watching her tears drip silently on the tile. The only person she could truly count on, the one she had been attached to since she could remember, the one who always believed in her, was gone. Just like that. He no longer existed. She couldn't hug him, kiss him, listen to his dad jokes, see his smile, or hear his wisdom, anymore. It was over.

~~~

Her thoughts were interrupted by her phone ringing; this time it wasn't an alarm. She slowly flipped her phone over to see who it was: Jemel.

She hesitantly answered the phone, "Yes?"

"Just seeing if you made it home okay, and oh yeah, to see where the hell you are! We have rehearsal today!"

"It's not happening." She pulled the blankets closer to her, almost to further separate her from reality. "I...I just can't."

Jemel sighed, "Is it about yesterday? I'm not mad at you, you know. I was giving you time to yourself, to think."

What a great idea that was. Now I'm better than ever before. She thought, but didn't dare to say.

"I know you aren't mad."

He sensed a tone in her voice that concerned him, and he felt an urge to visit her at the hotel. She sounded like she needed something that she couldn't give to herself. Love. Affection. Attention. Compassion. Sympathy. Something like that.

"You don't sound well, what's going on with you?" He asked cautiously, not wanting to upset her any more.

She gave a small smile, only to see if the gesture would transfer just a little bit of happiness to her voice. "I don't know. Sick, I guess."

"That's it, I'm coming over."