"And find a place where every single thing you see tells you to stay."
S E E K E R
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February 9th
6:34 PM
New York
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"I'm gonna miss you."
Gunner wound his arms around Leah in a snug embrace, her bag hitting the floor with a dull thud. They remained like that for few minutes, relishing in the feeling of comfort that they each brought each other.
"You'll see me next weekend." She smiled and turned her face to look at him. "Right, daddy?"
Gunner dropped his arms, but was suddenly chilled. He didn't have a shield to hold up in front of his daughter. He was at the mercy of her questioning eyes, prying into the bits he kept concealed for so long. Surrendering Leah to the system was hard, surrendering the girl to her mother was even harder. At least when she was with CPS, he knew Audrey partook in his grief. Now he was the only one toiling. It was unfair in all angles.
"Of course, sweetheart. I'll come pick you up next weekend." The harsh wind blasted his hair into his face. He gazed at Leah through the wavy, blonde strands as he nibbled on his cracked lips. "We'll have more fun next time. Promise. I might even let you do my makeup."
"Woah...I get to make you look pretty?"
"Sure, kid, whatever you want."
Clasping her hands behind her back, an expression came about her that betrayed her eyes. He couldn't blame her for mistrusting him. He had routinely gotten their relationship back on track till he would mix Ace into the equation and reduce the progress they made. He was also pulling Leah in every direction, confusing that little brain inside her head, and she constantly put her faith in him that by some stroke of luck, this would be his wake up call. This time he'd be a new person.
"Thanks for the boots, I really like 'em. And for the ice-cream, but sorry I didn't finish it." Leah inspected the pink, shiny rubber boots on her feet. They were her recent infatuation, and Gunner was thankful if it meant less time getting his hair played with or nails painted absurd hues.
Courtesy of his daughter, his fingernails shone a bright, cerulean blue–she insisted he let the colour stay for the coming week. The revere she held for him made it extremely difficult to argue with her. Passengers on the bus had given him strange looks, but it was all for Leah. Her judgement was the only one he gave a crap about.
"I love you," she smiled, and Gunner's heart was liquid at the sight of it.
"Love you too, princess. C'mere." He kneeled again and Leah didn't need him to tell her what to do. She walked right into his chest and buried her face in the crook of his neck, her tiny arms wrapped around his neck. The scruff of his growing beard tickled the side of her face, but she didn't seem to mind.
"You really are my whole world, you know that?" Gunner said. He smoothed back her black hair and kissed her forehead. "But I know one day you're gonna grow up and probably cringe when I ask you to give me hugs."
She snuggled closer. "I like your hugs and I'll hug you anytime you want, daddy."
"That's what they all say," he jested.
Her laughter was the sort that could thaw any man's ice. She captivated him with those glistening eyes of hers–a brilliant amber, and like moss creeping in on brown soil, swirling into a colour that was reminiscent of Audrey. Under the touch of the weather, blood swarmed her light-brown skin. Her black hair, so dark it was almost blue, fell in a glossy river to her shoulders.
She was such a beautiful baby. Well, his beautiful baby. And she would never stop being his baby.
"Let's check if your mommy's here," Gunner flashed her a fulgent smirk. "If not, then you're mine till Monday."
Hope poured into her gaze. "No school tomorrow then?"
"Don't get your hopes up, kiddo."
Picking up her bag, he used the other and tapped his knuckles softly on the door. "Audrey, are you in there?"
He knocked again. "Rey, it's Gunner. I'm dropping Leah off."
To verify that he was at the right door, he tilted his head back and reread the unit number. 203. He should have sensed something was off when she hadn't answered his calls this morning or texted him all weekend. Earlier he assumed she had a shift in understanding and finally came to her senses that he, in fact, deserved to parent his daughter. It was so unlike her not to worry about him, and especially Leah. But he was starting to doubt her new tactics. Audrey was the type to worry over minor details, certainly going incognito on them both was the last thing she'd do.
Her absence instilled anxiety inside his gut. He let his hand fall and flexed his fingers at his sides, counting backwards from five to release the tension in his shoulders. Don't overthink it, Gunner. I'm sure she's just in the bathroom or something.
"Maybe you should call her," Leah suggested. Her eyes more than anything gave her away, showcasing her concern.
"Good idea," he praised, reaching into his back pocket for his cellphone. The amount of times he called this number resulted in it being permanently engraved in his mind. His fingertips tapped the call-pad then hit the green button. He brought it to his ears and listened to the dial tone ring.
Audrey, pick up.
Gunner heard two rings. The one his phone speaker emitted and the other drifting to the outside from behind the door. He recognized Audrey's ringtone.
He ended the call, and just as he suspected, her dial tone was cut short. Why the fuck doesn't she have her phone with her?
His fist pounded on the door. "Audrey, are you in there?" Panic lingered in his voice. "Baby, please open the door!"
Nothing. This wasn't the cliché silence Gunner could say soothed his increasing rate of alarm, no. This was stagnant and stood at a standstill in time; his emotions were running wild. It didn't slow his heartbeat and reduce its hammering speed. He was too hyperaware that his breathing was ragged, of the cold sweat beading at his hairline, and his shaking hands.
He grabbed the doorknob and twisted, expecting the door to be locked. But it opened. He didn't step inside the room, but it looked untouched from the last time they talked.
"What if she's just out with Tucker? She might come home later tonight." Leah slipped one of her frigid hands into his clammy one in an attempt to soothe him. As much as Gunner wished it worked, it didn't. "Don't worry about her, daddy. She'll be okay."
"I have to worry, baby. She's your mom and I..." I love her.
Turning a deaf ear to his daughter, Gunner pivoted aside and marched to the unit right over, unknowingly dragging Leah along with him as she tried to maintain her balance. His grip around her hand stiffened.
He'd seen physical evidence of the rage Tucker rained down on Audrey, and it was near undeniable that he would know of her whereabouts. It was all too convenient for his liking.
Gunner's fist slammed into the door, enough force to punch through the painted wood. But restraining himself, demanded Tucker's attention.
"I know you're in there!" he bellowed harshly. "Open the door!"
Not a second too long and the door pulled back, a man's rugged face gaped with a fixed, vacant expression, a cigarette hanging limp between his thin lips. His brown waves were in tangles and knots; he hadn't raked a hairbrush or comb through it in days, perhaps. He was mangy, fatigue acting like a thief and stealing the light from his umber eyes. Gunner couldn't necessarily judge–he was also gaunt. He was essentially looking into a mirror.
"It's you," Tucker croaked under a fog of nicotine scenting smoke. "I don't usually get visitors, and I know my ex-girlfriend's boy toy isn't here to make conversation."
Gunner moved a step closer, a muscle in his jaw twitching. "Where is she?"
He was playing coy, leisurely inhaling and exhaling through his nose, a cloud of smoke billowing directly into Gunner's face. For the first time since he picked up his nasty smoking habit, he was repulsed by the smell. He scrunched his nose. "Be more specific. There's a lot of shes in this place."
"Where's Audrey?"
Tucker's lips drew back in a smile, and seeing as neither of them was willing to break their stare, proceeded to take drags of his cigarette. Gunner noticed the bloody red color the whites of his eyes had become and the ungainly manner by which he leaned against the doorframe.
Gunner recognized drunk when he saw it, but he hadn't expected it to have such an effect on him. He hated being the one observing a drunkard, not so much being one. This was what he exposed Audrey and Leah too when he came home after his late-night endeavours. Had he really looked so miserable and worn down? Looked like defeat?
Guilt swallowed his next insults; he couldn't be a hypocrite.
"How should I know?" Tucker gave him a lacklustre shrug and breathed smoke out of his nostrils. "She's not my responsibility. She can take care of herself."
"You wouldn't say that unless you've done something," Gunner retorted. His patience was waning and his fist was begging to meet his cheekbones. "What the hell did you do?"
"Nothing."
"Bullshit!" He felt his neck and ears getting hot, self-control shoved to the far recesses of his mind and anger blinding him. "You honestly think I'll let you stand there and lie to me about what's been going on between you and my girlfriend? I know your type, Tucker. You abusive piece of shit."
He glared at Gunner with hatred in those darkening eyes. "You better watch yourself–"
"You get off hitting women?" Their quarrel showed no sign of stopping, and Gunner was beyond rationalizing his emotions. He walked forward until he was almost nose to nose with Tucker, so near that their angry heat mingled.
"Bet it makes you feel powerful, don't it? You enjoy it when they scream and beg you to stop. Gets you high, makes you happy."
Tucker dashed the cigarette to the dirty hallway floor and crushed it with his foot, his gaze hanging on Gunner. "I will fuck you up, Gunner. Don't push me."
"You gonna hit me now?" he taunted. "Do it then. Show me exactly how you beat your women. Exactly how you hit my girlfriend."
Tucker's mouth posed a sneer. Then laughter tore out of his throat, adding fuel to Gunner's wrath. The sound was merciless and wry, a shiver down his spine. "I'm not gonna hit you," he said. "You're not worth my time. But I'll tell you the truth if you'd rather find out from me."
Gunner's shoulders tensed.
"You know, it kinda pissed me off that Audrey wanted to have your baby while we were together," he spoke nonchalantly, as two friends catching up over coffee would. "And you told her to abort it, didn't you?"
He burned crimson out of shame rather than rage. "What does that have to do with anything?"
The silence was pronounced, slicing through the air.
"That little slut was going to leave me for you," Tucker leaned forward, his gravelly voice booming in his ear even as he whispered, "but I wasn't gonna let her walk away like that. It would be too easy and I don't enjoy losing things that are mine. So I'm gonna spare you the dramatics and get right to the point. I beat her. I beat her good, and I beat the life out of that stupid baby of yours."
Gunner regretted asking as soon as the confession flew out from Tucker's lips. But even as the unspoken feelings dallied and circled around their heads, he trembled where he stood, out of spite or out of heartbreak, he couldn't separate them. It was dying a slow death when breath was so close, yet he had forgotten how to breathe. He himself had been snuffed out like candle flame, still somehow was set on fire.
In a matter of seconds things would never be the same. The life he'd helped create–half of him and half of her–was erased. Wiped away as though it never existed.
And now he'd never know if fate had blessed him with a son or daughter; the other small pieces of who it would resemble most, whose eyes would it have, what color its hair would have been. There were never going to be answers.
Gunner would be left wondering for the rest of his days. If his child had lived, if his child had come to know him, how would it have changed him?
"Cat got your tongue, Gunner?" Tucker pulled further away and his gaze flickered from him to his daughter. "Sucks when something you love leaves. It hurts," he jabbed a finger at Gunner's chest. "Right there. Feels like I just tore it to pieces, huh? Like Audrey did to me."
"You better not be lying."
"I swear on my dead mother's grave. You ain't got a baby to worry about anymore."
He had no fight left in him, no witty comebacks, and he wasn't able to look Tucker in the eye.
"You're a real son of a bitch," he murmured. The earth beneath him felt like it was quaking. "You don't deserve someone like her. You never will."
Tucker reached into his pocket for another cigarette and a lighter. He lit it aflame and held it to his lips, unfazed. "You really wanna know where she is?"
Gunner stopped listening. Pain made him deaf.
He hadn't fully grasped what it meant to crumble, until he realized that the person he loved was no more.
***
I'm leaving you with another cliffhanger (sorry not sorry).
I think we can all agree that Tucker was way out of line with his comments, and we also got a confession from him. He wanted to purposefully harm Audrey's baby.
Thoughts? Feelings? Predictions?
At least things will get better from here for everyone so it's not all bad :)
Thanks for reading! Vote, comment and share!
xx