*Gerard's POV*
You know that saying that says "you don't know what you have until it's gone"? Yeah well that shits true. Christina almost dying made me realize how good she was to me and how shitty I was to her. I couldn't come to terms with knowing that if she died, she would remember me in the afterlife as a shit boyfriend or whatever I was to her. I didn't realize how much I actually did love her until we almost lost her. Apologizing to her at dinner and telling her the truth was so hard because she just looked at me blankly. She didn't know. She doesn't know how bad I fucked her up. I still blame myself a little bit for her suicide attempt. She needed me emotionally and I couldn't be there for her. She asked me if I loved her then, and the answer is no- I didn't love her back then. But she didn't ask me if I love her now, and the answer would be yes- I love her now. I want nothing more than to be the one thing that she clings to. I can be here for her now that I've grown up and pulled my head out of my ass.
As promised, I told Mama Ross about the memory Chris got back and she didn't even care what it was about, she was just glad to hear that Chris's brain was healing. Mikey, however... I thought Mikey was going to grab me by the throat.
Mama Ross left the room, probably to go catch up on some work phone calls. Chris was in the shower. Mikey and I stayed in the kitchen. He was standing over the kitchen sink, arms spread far apart, holding himself up.
"I know you don't like to hear about me and Chris together and I'm sorry." I said. Damn, I'm in a really apologetic mood tonight. Mikey shook his head.
"It's not that. Why did she remember being with you first? All you ever did was hurt her but you're still so important that she remembers you first." Mikey said, turning around to look at me. His cheeks were rosy, like he was about to cry.
"Chris and I did have a lot of big moments together." I told him. I mean, I was Chris's first everything.
"Yeah, but so did we. I don't know. It just sucks realizing I'm not as important to her as I thought I was."
"Mikey, that's not fair. You mean the world to her. You're more important to her than you think." I said in an attempt to comfort him. I know Mikey has feelings for her, but Chris just doesn't feel the same. He told me once that he doesn't care who Chris is with as long as she's with someone who treats her right and makes her happy. Actually, he told me that last night. He said just last night that he still hoped I could treat her right. Would Mikey let me be with her now since I know how precious she is?
"She's only ever wanted you. I don't know why I ever fucking thought she could want me instead." Mikey said, punching the counter.
"Mikey," I said, trailing off. I didn't know how to comfort him. We stayed silent for a couple minutes before I decided to tell Mikey how I feel. "I think I can treat her right."
Mikey looked up at me sharply, staring me right in the face. If looks could kill... "You only want her now because shes not wrapped around your stupid little finger anymore. Don't you fucking dare play these games with her anymore."
*mikey's POV*
I felt sick. Honestly disgusted. I was laying in the middle of my bed, facing a wall.
Gerard and Christina came back after their day together and I could see the looks on their faces. They looked happy together, like they had bonded immensely in just 7 hours together. I just wanted it to be me. And then they told us the epiphany that Chris had while she was with Gee. Of all the damn things she could remember. She remembers the one thing that makes me want to throw up. I hate picturing Gerard with her like that.
Yeah, great, Chris remembered something. But why did it have to be that? I feel like I'm losing her all over again. Why couldn't she remember me first? Why couldn't she remember the way I held her when Gerard told her he didn't want her? Why couldn't she remember all the times I held her head up when she cried so hard over Gerard she threw up in a toilet? Why couldn't she remember the way I pulled her over the railing when she decided she didn't want anything anymore? Was I that insignificant in her life?
Why does Gerard suddenly love her? He didn't love her when she needed his love, and now that Chris is okay without him, Gee wants her?
"I don't love him." Christina said. I didn't even know she came in here. She was standing at the foot of my bed, holding her own hands and twiddling her fingers. "Gerard told me everything."
"He what?" I asked, sitting up. Chris walked to the side of my bed and sat, her back to me.
"He told me everything. About us. I don't love him. He told me I used to love him but I just don't feel that way about him. I don't love him." She said quietly. I could hear sadness in her voice.
"Chris, are you upset because you want to feel that way and you don't?" I asked. Probably a dumb question since Gerard is the hot older brother. Of course she wants to be in love with Gerard.
"No. I don't feel anything for him. I think knowing all the stuff he did to me is what's stopping me from wanting him like that. He kissed me tonight and the only reason I let it happen was because it made me remember something. I'm putting all my trust in you guys and you've all told me that I did have feelings for Gerard. But I just don't and I'm confused. Why do my feelings contradict the things you guys have told me? Why can't I just remember for myself?" Chris said. Her voice started to shake and I knew she was about to cry. "I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't know anything. You have no idea how hard it is to not know who the person is staring back at you in the mirror. I just feel so stupid."
I don't even care that Gerard kissed her tonight. She's telling me she doesn't have feelings for Gerard and that's something I've been wanting her to say for years. Just... not like this. She was still facing away from me, but I could hear her sharp little inhalations, and I've seen her cry enough times to know that she was crying. I reached out and grabbed her by the arm. I pulled her backwards to me and she melted. She grabbed a fistful of my shirt with one hand and wrapped the other around my back. I circled my arms around her and just held her. I could feel her shaking with sobs.
"Why don't I feel the way everyone tells me I should feel?" She sobbed. I know her well enough to know that she's not looking for an answer, she's just thinking out loud. It still breaks my heart all the same. I wish I could just reach my hand inside her head and open the gate that's holding her memories back. "I'm so lost."
I started rocking back and forth with Chris in my arms, trying to do anything I could to calm her down. Chris looked up at me then. Her blue eyes were encased in a blood shot mess. Her cheeks were shiny with tears and her lips were quivering. She looked me straight in the eyes and held my gaze without blinking. I couldn't look away.
"We've done this before." She said. I didn't know what to say. She's cried many times like this with me. I don't know if she's referring to a specific event or just generally. "I've cried over Gerard with you before. I remember sitting at my dad's grave with you and crying because of something Gerard said."
She's talking about the time Gerard told her that he didn't want to be with her. It was at the end of senior year. Chris had just decided to commit to UCLA and the band had made the decision to record some music professionally. Gerard told Christina that he thought they should leave their relationship in New Jersey. Chris did not want to hear that and we took a walk to her father's grave to see if it could bring her some peace. She didn't have a breakdown until she was standing over the grave. All I could do was hold her.
"That was when he told you he didn't want to be with you anymore." I told her. She sat up and wiped her eyes. She moved so that she could face me on the bed.
"He told me tonight that he was only with me because I made him feel good. Why was I so fucking smitten by him when all he did was use me? Why was I with someone like that?" Chris asked. Her voice was still shaking but she wasn't crying anymore.
"You used to say these exact same things. You always wondered why you couldn't tear yourself away from him. But back then you were so focused on why he treated you like shit. You always felt like you weren't good enough and you never felt like you deserved love." I answered. Back then, Chris always blamed herself for Gerard not wanting her. She felt like she was at fault even though she never did anything wrong.
"It's like I'm on the outside looking in. Gerard said that I was only ever a positive thing in his life and from the looks of things it seems like he only ever hurt me. And that's not my fault. I think I know what happened." Chris said. I felt some type of emotion... joy maybe? Elation? I've been waiting literal years for Chris to realize that she should stop waiting for Gerard to be a better man. "I think I know why I know all this now."
"Why?"
"I think the accident knocked some sense into me."
We both laughed.
*Chris's POV, the next day*
Today is Ray's day. It's also the day that I get to meet with school administration and figure out if I'm going to drop out or not. Additionally, it's also my mom's last full day in California with me since she ran out of vacation time from work. She leaves tomorrow afternoon.
Ray came to pick me and my mom up from the apartment. We're currently walking out of the building on UCLA's campus with the department chairs and administrators offices. We had just met with the president of the university, my academic advisor, and the head of the nursing department.
Essentially, we had determined that I would no longer continue with the nursing program this semester. They would hold my transcript for two years in case i decided to come back and get my degree. It's the polite way of saying I'm dropping out of college. They turned over my student loans to my mom since you need to start paying on them 6 months after you stop taking classes. And I probably won't be taking classes within the next 6 months.
I got lost in my thoughts as I remembered the way the the school administration and my mom talked about me like I wasn't even there. Ray and I kept turning to look at each other when the director of nursing would ask my mom about my intentions with school. How the hell would she know? Honestly, that's how I feel too. I wouldn't know how to answer any of those questions. Does Christina intend to return in the fall? Do you think Christina will be able to recollect the classes she's taken with us thus far? Do you think Christina will be returning this semester? Do you think, if she did return this semester, she would be able to make up all the work she has missed? I don't know. I don't know anything. I don't know when I'm going to be normal again. I don't feel like myself. Something just constantly feels wrong. I know I'm getting better. I know that I'm starting to remember things. My mom even notices differences with me. She told the administrators at the meeting that she knows I'm getting better because I seem to be acting more mature than I did when I first work up in the hospital. Which would make sense because I thought I was 14 and now I know that I'm 20 years old. It's comforting to know that other people are noticing my successes.
We were now walking with the Resident Advisor of my residence hall. Her name was Ashley and she was really nice. She was going to let me into my dorm room so that we could pack my stuff. We made it to the door, and there were cute little decals on the door with my name and my roommates name. Her name was Christa. Ashley unlocked the door, wished me the best, and left us.
There was another girl in my dorm room, Christa, I'm assuming.
"Hi Christina. I'm Christa." She said, hopping off her bed and coming to hug me. I hugged her back. She didn't hit me with a "do you remember me?" and I really appreciated that. She politely pointed out which half of the room was mine, and she had even pulled all the CDs that belonged to me off of the shelf that we shared.
I had totes and boxes under my bed left over from move in day since I had moved across the country for this school and had nowhere else to put them. Ray began to pull clothes out of my dresser and put them in a tote. My mom started to take posters off the wall. I flipped through the CDs. I held one up for Ray to see. It was a blank disc that someone had burned for me. It had "Bullets- MCR" written on it in blue sharpie.
"Ray, is this yours?" I asked him. I knew what this CD was, I just wanted Ray to know that I remembered. I know that this was their band's album.
"No, Chris, that's yours." Ray said, completely missing what I was saying. I laughed.
"Ray, I know that. I meant is this your music? I actually just wanted you to know that I recognized this. I remember this." I said, still laughing and holding the CD.
"Oh man that went right over my head." Ray said. Now he was laughing too. I looked more closely at what he was doing. He had two piles of clothes. One pile was going in the tote and the other was getting thrown by the door. Ray saw me watching him. He raised his eyebrows and gestured to the pile by the door. "Oh those? Those are my shirts that you stole. I'm stealing them back."
"But that's like half my wardrobe. I'm not going to have any clothes left." I whined.
"Honey, I'm sure you'll steal all them back as time goes on." My mom said. At this point, we had emptied out my drawers and had two boxes of clothes, one box of books, notebooks, and CDs, a backpack with my toiletries and makeup, my posters, and a keyboard.
Christa was nice enough to help us carry all the stuff out to ray's car. Somehow, we got it all to fit. I said goodbye to Christa, and she said her number was in one of my notebooks if I ever wanted to talk. As my mom and I got in the car, I noticed Christa give Ray a little piece of paper. Ray got in the car and had a huge smile on his face. He turned to me in the backseat.
"I got her number," he said, still smiling.
We drove back to Mikey and Gerard's apartment then, and got all my stuff upstairs. We just piled it in a corner until we could figure out where to put it. The five of us then sat around and tried to think of ways to make the two bedroom apartment work for 3 people.
"Listen I'm going to openly admit that if I get a job right now I won't have enough money to pay rent for a while so I'll have to live with someone, and whoever it is will have a freeloader until I can get back on my feet." I said.
"Chris, when did any of us ever say we would expect you to pay rent?" Ray asked sweetly.
"Well I can't take up space in someone's home forever. I'll have to get my own place eventually. But until then I'll be using resources and stuff and it would only be fair to pay my share of the bills." I said quickly, as I was starting to feel embarrassed.
"If you want to get your own place, of course you can when the time is right. But we never feel like you're taking up space and we'd never expect you to pay bills if we're helping you out." Gerard said, trying to make me feel better.
"Okay," I said. I didn't really know what to say, since I still feel bad about being a charity case. I just said okay since arguing about it wouldn't do any good.
"I know we set up shop here in this apartment since it's closest to the hospital, but I'm sure Christina doesn't have to stay here. Does anybody have an extra bedroom?" My mom asked, changing the subject and trying to find a solution.
We were all in the living room. I was sitting on the couch with my mom. Ray was sitting in a recliner. Gerard was on the floor. Mikey was sitting at the kitchen table, which was basically in the same room thanks to the open floor plan and small space.
"I have a one bedroom, frank has a one bedroom, and bob lives with his girlfriend in her parents basement." Ray said. I looked across the room and stared Mikey down until he looked at me.
I'm not trying to play favorites, but Mikey and I definitely have a connection that's unlike the relationships I have with everyone else. He's my best friend. I was pleading with my eyes and hoping he'd get the hint that I wanted him to suggest that I stay here.
"Well, nobody has an extra bedroom, and Chris, your stuff is already here, so you might as well stay here. You can sleep in my room and I'll sleep on the couch." Mikey said to me. There's proof that Mikey knows me better than anyone.
His brown hair was disheveled, evident that he hadn't slicked it down yet. He kept playing with it and pushing it up off his forehead. It looks good when it's not full of hair gel. He was still looking at me, and I smiled slightly, to say thank you.
"Or my room, that's an option too. I wouldn't mind sleeping on the couch" Gerard said, making me turn and look at him. His hair was disheveled too. It needed to be brushed.
"Guys, I appreciate you being willing to give up your bedrooms, but I'd feel awful if I made you give up your beds for me. I'm the guest, I'll sleep on the couch. Plus I'm the shortest one, so I'll actually fit on the couch." I answered.
"Okay, there's enough room in here. Hear me out," Ray said as he got up from the recliner. He started gesturing around the room. "You move the recliner over, get a futon and put it right here where the recliner is, get rid of this TV stand, get a dresser to put the TV on and put Chris's clothes in it. Now there's two couches, one of them folds out into a whole bed, Chris has somewhere to put her clothes, and maybe as she's putting her clothes away, she'll return her T-shirts to their rightful owners."
"Man you really can't get over that I had so many stolen shirts, huh? Well maybe if you protected them better I wouldn't have been able to put them in my bag when you weren't looking." I argued playfully.
"Chris, I'm glad you remembered how you stole our shirts, but there's nothing special about my clothes that sets them apart from stuff you already own!" Ray said, jokingly putting his hands on his hips and scolding me.
"Fine, I'll stop stealing clothes from you."
"No, you're going to stop stealing clothes from everyone."
"No, I'm just going to stop stealing clothes from you, Ray. Everyone else thinks it's cute and endearing, but you're just an asshole who doesn't want me to he happy." I said, crossing my arms, exhaling loudly, and turning away, pretending to be sad.
"Aw, Chris I'm just kidding, you can steal my clothes." Ray said, ending the argument. "How about we go shopping for a futon, yeah?"
And we did just that. Ray and I went to a store and bought a futon and a dresser. We picked a delivery date so we didn't have to worry about how we'd get the stuff home and up into the apartment.
We were almost back to Mikey and Gerard's apartment. Ray was driving and we were listening to the radio. Unforgiven by Metallica started to play. I was wearing a T-shirt (that actually belonged to me) and I couldn't stop staring at my arms. Even though I don't remember making each individual wound, I remember feeling helpless and so out of touch with my own body. I remember needing to focus on something other than my emotional pain. I needed physical pain.
"Ray," I said quietly. I don't remember going through any heartbreak other than Gerard. I didn't know how to ask if Gerard broke me down that bad and drove me to this. I didn't want Gerard to be the reason. I didn't want it to be his fault. I know that he hurt me in the past, but he apologized to me for it and he meant it. If these scars are his fault... when he sees them, it'll just be a reminder for him. A reminder for me too, even though I don't actually remember.
"Yeah?" Ray replied.
"Why did I do this?" I asked, sheepishly. I help my wrists up so he could see what I was talking about, even though he probably already knew. He paused for a minute before answering me.
"Chris, I don't really know for sure. You had a lot of those before I met you, and we met when you were a freshman. I know you had a really hard time coping after your dad died but I can't tell you exactly why. I'm not inside your head." He said.
"I wish you were. I wish someone was. Maybe then someone could save me and fix this whole mess." I told Ray.
"I can't imagine how you feel. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I wish none of this ever happened to you. I wish you never lost your dad and I wish you never lost your memory. We all do. If I could, I would fix it all. We're all doing what we can to help you, but the doctors just say it'll take time." Ray said kindly, making me tear up.
"I know you're all taking care of me, and I love you all more and more every day for being here for me. If I didn't have you... I guess I wouldn't be here." I told Ray honestly.
"Love you too, Chris. You'll be okay. Everything will be back to normal soon."
But what was normal? Going to college? Living on campus? Dating Gerard? Everything's different now. Not only do I have to learn what the old Christina was like, but now I have to learn who this new Christina is too.
Never free, never me, so I dub thee unforgiven