name: A secret, a Promise, and a Love
word count: 4900 words
published on: 27th October, 2019
✿ ✿ ✿
N A N D I N I
Next day,
5am:
I stirred. The darkness around me was tiring, making me uncomfortable.
This is a dream, I reminded myself. I knew I was dreaming, yet being unable to break free from it.
"Nandini," I heard a whisper. I freaked, looking around myself. In the darkness, I could see someone. He was familiar, and it took me a moment to realise who it was.
"Abhi?" I shouted, running to him in the distance. But the more I ran, the farther he was pulled from me.
"It's your fault," his voice kept echoing in my ear.
I know.
"You could do more."
I tried.
"You could save me."
I'm sorry.
I gasped for air, my eyes open. The darkness disappeared and an unfamiliar dim room I could see. The windows were open, cold air flowing in along with moonlight. I palmed my face, taking a moment to recognise my surroundings.
I was in Paris. This was Manik's house and the guest room.
And slowly, last night came in. I remember Manik holding me tight, and I remember crying, but I don't remember anything after that. It's a blur, and my best guess is that I must've fallen asleep, like I always do.
And now I woke up with a nightmare; like I always do.
I was embarrassed enough about me passing out last night. What if he had to carry me to bed? God.
I tied my hair up in a messy bun and got out of my bed, staring at myself in the mirror. My eyes were home to light dark circles already, and I looked tired. Pushing my self-critical thoughts away, I took a long shower. By the time I came out, it was already an hour more, so I decided on making breakfast.
I needed to take medicines, and I couldn't take them empty stomach. In addition, it was Manik who made me pancakes last night, so I was simply returning the favour.
It took me awhile to figure out where everything was, but in another hour, I was done making some breakfast– bagels, croissants and maple sauce with toasts and boiled eggs.
And just that time, Manik got out of his room. "There's a problem," he said sheepishly, and I knitted my brows at him.
"The presentation... it got delayed to tomorrow," he said, sitting on the table and I sat opposite him.
"Oh," I smiled, "That's good, right? We get more time to practice before we present."
"Yeah," he smiled back, "And I need to go to office to check on the staff and stuff. Would you be okay until a few hours? I could come and we can go out then."
"Yeah," I said casually, "I could go, roam around. I'll be okay."
"You used to be a trouble magnet. You'd be okay?" He said, dubiously.
"Yeah," I smiled positively. I'll be okay, right?
✿
I was not okay.
This was a very bad decision. I was directionless, feeling like this lost girl in a city of strangers.
I wandered for a long, long time, walking through the beautiful streets, roaming shops, clicking photographs. When I was a kid, it was my dream to visit Paris once. I don't exactly know why, but the Eiffel Tower always fascinated me.
But now that I was here, I felt cold, I felt like this is not where I belong. The beautiful faces with determination, some kindness, hustling around me– I wasn't one of them. I was a stranger to them, a girl from India, who realised that no matter how many countries she goes to, nothing compares to her own country, the vibe of warmth it sends, the diversity in cultures yet the unity in love, the beauty of it all.
I was a little lost when I felt something tug my feet. I immediately looked there to see a small cat, more like a kitten, pitted against my feet. I awed, bending to pick the light fur, grey eyed cuteheart with a pink bow on her neck, looking like she was right out of a Disney movie.
"What's your name, little one?" I picked her up, her name written behind her bow. Faux.
"Faux," a foreign voice answered and I looked up. The lady was in her mid fifty's– sixty's maybe, she had hazel eyes and she was so beautiful. "Quel est ton nom, ma belle?"
"I– I don't understand French. English?" I tried. She smiled, nodding.
"What's your name, belle?" She smiled kindly.
"Nandini," I replied, and the little kitten in my hand purred, curling up to me more.
"Faux is fond of you," she smiled, "You look lost. Aucun problème– Any problem?"
"Oh no!" I smiled, pushing off her concern. "I'm just new here, and I feel like I don't fit in."
"Everyone fits in here, la fille," she put her hand on my shoulder, "Give this country a chance. You wouldn't be disappointed, this is the city of love after all."
I smiled back sadly, "It is beautiful, indeed. I just feel it's not meant for me, neither love, nor it's city."
"Oh mon enfant," she stopped me, "Don't say that. This is what I thought when I came to Paris thirty years ago. I ran away from home, never thought I will find peace again. But this city and a very young man painted my life with colours of love, and made me fall in love with it's very soul. This's miraculous city, child. Give it a chance, it wouldn't disappoint you."
"I will, Merci." I smiled, as she took the kitten back from my hand.
"Goodbye child, don't let any silly boy fade your smile," She told me and I nodded, before she walked away.
It's crazy how talking to some strangers can lift your mood. I smiled walking ahead, and while I was looking around in awe of the beauty of this strange city, I felt myself crash against someone. Speak of trouble?
The girl, gorgeous if I may say, was carrying a bundle of papers that fell all between us, and she silently cursed, immediately bending to pick them up and I helped her in silence, muttering my string of apologies.
"I'm so so so sorry," I said rambling, silently wishing she knew English. What do you call sorry in French? Yes, Pardon. "I'm just a little lost today, I'm really sorry for this mess. Pardon." I faked the best French accent I could.
"Pardon. It's my fault, I wasn't looking where I was going," she replied, collecting the papers messily in her hand and I couldn't help but notice, her voice was familiar.
Very, very familiar.
My hands just stood numb with the few collected papers which she took, bundling them before finally facing me.
I was correct.
The voice belonged to an all familiar face with long, straight brown hair and hazel eyes, a beautiful smile and hazy eyes, movements just as numb as me. Her lips slightly parted, but nothing came out. She was just as caught as me.
Whom do you blame? It's been five years.
"Nandini?" She finally spoke, as if making herself believe.
Tears lingered in my own eyes, threatening to make me cry as she wrapped her arms around me, and I was engulfed in her warmth (and strawberry scented perfume).
"Aliya," I smiled ear to ear, "Oh God, it's really you."
✿
I took a sip of the warm coffee as I stared out at a fairly beautiful view from the café window.
I looked back at Aliya staring at me, and when our eyes met, we giggled again. No matter how many people you meet and get closed to, nothing and nobody can compare to the ones with whom bunked lectures, got drunk, made memories and kept secrets.
"Small world, hah?" She smiled. "Just what I was thinking," I smiled back. Out of all the strangers that I could have ran into, it was her. Not that I was complaining.
"So, how'd you end up in Paris?" She asked, "I thought you were headed to London."
"I was, I am, actually," I said, "Just started working as an intern with this company yesterday, I'm here for a presentation with– my boss."
Should I mention Manik? I wasn't sure. It's been just two days that I stepped back into Manik's life, and I haven't seen a trace of Fab5.
Fab5. God. That name just brings in so much. The music, the vibes, the jokes, the trips, the teasing, the parties, the fun, the memories and most importantly... the friendships.
"Wow. Great! I mean, I always knew you'd make it. Determination in your veins, hah?" She laughed.
I shot her a smile of gratitude, trying to push away the nostalgia rising in my chest. "What about you? Living in Paris?"
"Yeah," she smiled, "Fashion Designing. Who knew, a simple fashion course I took five years ago would get me here. No complaints though."
I smiled. "So you're living here?" I asked.
"Yes," she smiled proudly, "I have a rented apartment, just a few streets away. It's a ninth floor one bedroom space, and if everything goes as planned, I might buy it by the end of the year. Fingers crossed."
I gave her a impressed look. Twenty Two and buying your own apartment in Paris, one of the most expensive places in Europe is huge.
"Are you–," I was hesitant, "Are you in touch with anyone?"
Her smile faded a bit. "Not actually," she sighed, "I speak to Cabir a few times every year, but that's about it."
"Aryamman?" I asked, surprised, and then when her face dropped, I regretted it instantly. "I– I really thoughts you guys would come together, you know," I tried explaining, but realised it wasn't doing any better.
"You knew?" Her eyes were slightly wide and I contemplated an eye roll.
"Anyone who wasn't blind knew."
She sighed. "I'm not very proud of this, but we– we lost touch. The fall out we all had was not good Nandini, and believe me when I say that, none of us have been able to speak each other the same way again."
A cold shiver ran down my spine. "What– What actually happened?"
"You don't know, right?" She sighed again, "After you left, Mukti– she sort of vanished. Manik decided to leave music. We were all devasted, Nandini. We had been planning our futures together and we felt abandoned. Can you imagine, we were planning to launch as a band officially after Musicana, we never considered back up options. And suddenly, from having everything, we were nothing. And it took a very ugly turn. There was a blame game, and Mukti not being there wasn't any help either. It just– it fell down in front of our eyes and we couldn't do anything."
"I'm sorry," I said, tight lipped. It had been five years, but the pain was clearly written in her expressions as she spoke about that day, as if the memories were still playing in her head.
She brought on a small smile, nodding negatively. "It's all said and done. We made our choices, and we're all living with them. And to be honest, we all suffered in our own ways, but Manik, it was worst for him than any of us. You left, his friends blamed him for abandoning them, when in real, we abandoned him. I wish there was a way, if I can't take it all back, atleast I could apologise to him once. He didn't deserve the blame. I didn't understand then, but I think I understand now. He was the victim just as much as all of us."
"Would you– Would you like to talk to him?" I asked in a small voice.
Surprise caught her face. "You both are in touch?"
"Not really," I said meekly, "I just met him yesterday for the first time in five years. He's my boss– in a way. He's in Paris with me."
"Oh god," her eyes were wide, "how's he?"
"I honestly don't know," I murmur. I'd know if I wasn't so engrossed in my own pain and for once, if I'd care for him more than he does for me. "He was cold as ice when we first met, but then he was fine. Like, just fine. I don't know Aliya, and I wish there was a way he'd just tell what was going on in his twisted head, but I don't know."
"He's always been the better actor, hah?" She sadly smiled. "I'd love to talk to him, but... I don't think I'm strong enough. Maybe one day I will be, and maybe one day, he'll forgive us all like he always does."
"Maybe he will," I repeat just as gloomily.
"Hey," she kept her hand over mine, "Don't let the past sadden you. It's gone; there's nothing we can do about it. But life's given you a second chance right here, and don't let anyone take that away. You and Manik– y'all were the kind of couple that were so madly in love with each other that it sometimes made me secretly jealous. And it's sad that you both had to say goodbye, when y'all were the ones who deserved to be with each other the most.
"And I'm telling you this, because... destiny played you both. Your story was never complete, and y'all were forced to close the book. And now, you stand as strangers, given the opportunity to be anything you want to be. Think of your relation like a blank canvas: you can either paint a rainbow or a thunderstorm, the choice is all yours. Use this opportunity wisely, Nandini; not everyone gets second chances."
I nodded, " Thank you, Aliya, really."
"Wait–," her eyes lit up, "Did you both ever even tell each other how much y'all were in love?"
I giggled. "I don't think we loved like that. I mean, the love, it was right there in the way he made me pancakes when I had a bad day and the way I kissed his forehead after he slept; it was written in all the poems he wrote about me, and in all my dreams about him; it was shown when he made me a better person or when I listened to his silence, understanding what he wants to tell me. It was always there, you know. We never told each other, that's not how we loved, but we knew."
She kept looking at me for a moment longer, biting her lip in awe. "Such a love doesn't end by a goodbye. It's still living in you, in the way you speak about him. Give your story an end; the end might not necessarily be happy, but make sure whenever it ends, either you love each other whole, or leave each other in whole. Enough of these pieces and unsaid words, okay?"
I smiled, nodding. "What about you and Aryamman, though? Doesn't that deserve an end?"
She gave me a sad smile, "He was never mine, but losing him still broke my heart. I had to let go of the person that made me feel home. I had to say goodbye, and now I'm kinda stuck, because how do you say goodbye to someone when your heart really wanted to hold on? Like I said Nandini, not everyone's lucky enough for a second chance."
I stayed silent, pressing my coffee mug to my lips. We were all happy teenagers once dancing in the rains, couldn't wait to grow up. And now we've grown up into adults with broken hearts, empty eyes, either feeling too much, or nothing at all. We were forced to live with the consequences of the choices that were not even made by us.
I just let that sink in.
✿
It was early evening when I and Aliya left the café. Time passed quickly when we kept talking about our college days, leaving me in a flood of nostalgia. When it was finally time to leave, I could see the same expression in her eyes as mine, a fear: scratch the when, the real question was, will we ever meet again?
Reality couldn't hit me more than that moment. We were no longer on Indian streets walking from college with me and Manik dropping her on the way back home. Years has passed away, and we were just strangers with memories.
I walked towards Manik's house a little lost in my own thoughts, perhaps it was the nostalgia hitting me, that heavy feeling in the chest, not because I miss the old days, but a silent reminder that those days would never come back.
We didn't even know where Mukti was anymore. No one was in touch with Aryamman– maybe Cabir? There are walls around Manik that I don't know how to break. I wondered if Cabir became the same way, like Manik. What would Cabir be like without his jokes and laughter? Isn't that similar to how Manik would be like without his friends and... me?
I hoped not. Fab5 or not, I would only love to see the happy-Cabir, the one who joked and took things lightly. Cabir's number– I had taken from Aliya, remained fed in my phone, and the answers to my questions were just a call away, but I couldn't bring myself to.
What do I even say?
The old days were gone, and we had to accept it.
Cabir and Navya– were they still together?
I didn't know where Mukti and Aryamman were.
Aliya is a fashion designer in Paris.
Manik is a shrewd businessman in London.
Fab5 is not a band anymore.
Abhimanyu is dead.
Five years have gone by, and even if I call Cabir, it wouldn't be like he could just get into the car, drive to my place with the others, and we'd just talk it out like we used to. We were all in different corners of the world.
We were all broken, and perhaps, I should let it be. Zubin's words floated in my mind, 'Sometimes, broken things have to be left broken. You just have to learn to accept that it is broken now and no matter what you do, you can't put it back together; and even if you do manage to do that, it'll never be the same. You just have to know that it isn't a bad thing. Being broken is not bad, not accepting it is.'
And if I even do want to mend something, I should start with what I have here: me and Manik. But how do you fix something when you don't know what broke in it?
"Are you out of your mind?!" I heard a shout with my arm being held so tight by someone, and I felt a pull, making me crash against a hard body. I had barely taken a second to understand what happened when I saw yellow lights and a sports car speeded in a feet's distance, making my eyes wide.
"Did no one fucking teach you how to cross the road?" I heard Manik shout, his eyes hard as they set upon me in disappointment.
"I'm sorry," I murmured, looking down.
"Sorry for what?," He whisper shouted, "You were supposed to be back home in a few hours and it's almost dark now. Do you have any idea of how I scared I was? You–" he stopped midway, taking a deep breath.
"I'm sorry," I repeated again, in just a whisper, "I'm sorry I'm not an easy person and you have to be with me anyway."
"I don't have to be with you, Nandini; I choose to be with you. There's a difference." He explained as I hugged myself closer.
He put an arm around my shoulder, and we started walking ahead, he led, and I simply followed.
"I'm sorry that I left you," I whispered again.
"I thought we were not talking about the past in these five– now four, days?" He raised an eyebrow.
"I know," I murmur, "I just realised, had I not left, nothing would have gone wrong, right? Perhaps you all would have performed on Musicana, Fab5 would have been a band, you would have been with your music. I played with all your lives."
"Stop." He said, firmly, holding his hand into mind, entwining our fingers. "You don't get to blame yourself for everything happening around us. I could tell the same, had I not kept that stupid promise and stopped you in time, everything would have been different. Or had Mukti not left the vanished, we would have been still playing. Or had Aliya not decided to leave that night, we could have still found Mukti. We all made our choices. Yes, we did make a few mistakes, but we all did them, and the future we are living is a consequence. There's no one to blame, especially not you."
Why? Why was he so kind to me when I didn't deserve it?
Couldn't he see what I am seeing? It is my fault.
"And perhaps we can blame each other," he shrugged, "Just not now. We promised each other that we'd live this five days for ourselves, then why do you keep digging the past, hmm?"
"Because..." I breathed, "Because everyone keeps telling me that a goodbye was not how you and I can end. That our story deserves a proper end. But can't you see this Manik, you and I are two completely different words, and we're struggling to rhyme. How can we write the end of a book we are too scared to reopen?"
"Don't you get it?" He looked at me, a little pissed, "You were the one who said goodbye. I didn't say goodbye then, I can't say goodbye now. I can say to goodbye to everyone, but not you."
We were walking over a bridge now, my eyes were still at the ground, and I let my hand (still in his) lead me ahead.
"Nandini," he stopped walking, turning to face me. "Let me tell you a secret. Losing you hurt. But I'm not going to lie to you. I tried so hard, you know that, right? I tried so hard to forget everything, the sound of your laugh, the way you smell, the feel of your skin, the way you made me feel; but I'd only be lying if I tell I was successful. I'm here in front of you, and you could call me a stranger, but I'm just the same person you left five years ago. And I'm asking you to love me, one last time. I'm asking your permission to be able to love you, one last time; so that when this is done, our pieces are complete, we're whole and we live life without pain the way it's supposed to be. My secret here, Nandini, is that I'm in love with you. I'm just as much in love with you as I always was and I know you are too."
"Manik..." I whispered, there were tears in my eyes, threatening to break away. I didn't know what to say. I wanted to tell him that I was too loved him, I never stopped actually. It was always, always him, but I didn't have to say, because I knew that he knew.
"No," he cut me, "I don't expect an answer to that. This kept lingering in my heart for five years, that I could never tell you how much I love you, so now here it is. Out in the open. And no, despite what anyone says, we don't have to end our story in these four days. Let's put it like, we have to relive our story in this time– the laughs, the memories, the love, so that we can forget and forgive and move on, without the pain that we left something incomplete five years ago."
I nodded, wiping the tears that stained my cheeks.
"Let me," he smiled, wiping a tear drop that rolled down his cheek, as he bent to his knee. My eyes widened and people around us looked in awe. "Let me do this the right way. Nandini Murthy, be my girlfriend for the next four days, and I promise to love you a forever, a humesha, just like you deserved to be love. Would you?"
"I– I will." I barely got the words out as I bent to my knee and crawled in his arms, and he hugged me tight.
His kisses me above my head as he held me tight, for a long time. I couldn't care less about the people who were watching us or someone who was clapping behind. All I cared about was him.
"Wait– Wait," He said, removing something from his pocket. Please tell me it wasn't a– oh, it wasn't. It was a lock.
I took the golden lock in my hand, gently rubbing thumb over an engraving:
27th October
Stars And Fireflies
"Do you know where we are?" He asked. I nodded negatively, looking around me. We were at a bridge, a bridge who's rails were filled with thousands of locks.
"Pont des Arts?" I murmured, and my eyes lit up. This bridge was so famous for all the people who made promises of forevers, locking their love away here in the city of love, and threw the key into the water underneath; as a promise for the lock to never be opened, and the love to never be lost.
He nodded, as put the lock into bridge together and he handed me the key. "Throw this into the water, and let our love be locked away forever. We might be us for just four days, but out love will live here forever, just like I promised you."
I didn't know what to say, so I simply held my hand in his. I looked at him and he at me, an unknown comfort in the silence as his hands wrapped around my waist, another holding my cheek.
He kissed my forehead gently, making the cold breeze around me feel even cooler, and just when I was about to open my eyes, I felt his lips on mine, softly kissing me, and before I could recover from the surprise, he pulled away.
I opened my eyes, startled, and he just stared at me for a moment before leaning in again, and kissing me once, twice, thrice, until I threw the key into the water to hold his face and kiss him back, rising on my toes. He held me tight, no space between us, as he kissed away the pain of five years, softly and passionately, and when we broke away, I couldn't stop smiling and neither could he.
He was the drug I could never get enough of.
Our love we locked away in city of love, where it'll live forever even when we didn't.
He kissed me again and I let him, feeling drunk on the magic in that strange city, which made me fall in love with him a little more than I always was.
I and him might be temporary, but the way his touch was engraving into my heart was until I live.
We had stolen this time from destiny, because our story was over long back; and although I knew it was wrong, a sin never felt sweeter.
In that moment, as we kissed under the stars, I knew our worlds collided again. We might not fit into each other's lives anymore but in that second, in that moment when he held me and I forgot all my pain, I knew I belonged to him just as much as he belonged to me, and no power could change that, not even us.
✿ ✿ ✿
Happy, Happy Diwali to all you lovely people.
This chapter took a little longer to update than I expected, and I have no idea what have I even written up there.
I just hope you enjoyed, and if not, I'd probably rewrite it in the upcoming days.
I just hope you have a happy and warm Diwali with lots of love and laughter.
Stay safe, and spread love.
~H.