NINETEEN SEVENTY-NINE
Michael
"Can we just do it one more time?" I pleaded with Abhaya as she strolled around the room in search of her shorts. After multiple orgasms and positions, I was still horny as hell.
To my dismay, Abhaya wasn't, and from the focused look on finding her shorts, I knew she wasn't about
to let me enrapture her for the hundredth time.
"No! Now help me find my shorts." She looked
over at me to see that I was still naked and hard
as ever. What can I say? I have high stamina.
"Jesus Christ, Michael! Put that thing away, please.
It's staring at me." Abhaya said, laughing so hard that she placed her hand over her lips and snorted.
"You damn right it's staring. It misses you...a lot." I began to walk towards Abhaya with a simpering smile slowly. She rolled her eyes. "It misses me already?" She questioned. I nodded my head vigorously.
Abhaya shook her head at my enthusiasm before walking towards the left side of the bed and bending over. That was a bad move on her part. It didn't even take a second for me to get behind her and slap that ass twice before she jumped up.
She quickly turned around with a look of
annoyance displayed within the twitch of her lips.
She glared."Michael!" She whined, "that hurted!"
"Hurted is not a word, sweetheart." She rolled her
eyes again before lightly pushing the front of my chest.
"Stop being a horn dog and help me find my shorts!" Abhaya snapped. She looked down at the lower half
of my body once more and smiled a bit before walking around in search of the shorts I purposely kicked underneath the bed."A horn dog?" I questioned. "You know what that reminds me of?"
"What?" Abhaya asked as she continued to look for
the shorts. I could tell she was becoming frustrated from her dragged-out sighs and huffs.
"You know that song by Elvis? Hound dog?" I began
to sing it to refresh her memory. "You ain't nothing but a hound dog...crying all the time!"
Abhaya turned her head over her shoulder to where she could see me. "I have a different version for you. You ain't nothin' but a horn dog. Horny all the time!"
I chuckled at the sense of humor she displayed.
"Well, my little Rose, I have a confession. I'm what you call a sex addict. A freak!"
That wasn't necessarily a lie. Now that Abhaya was mines, she would see this side of me a lot.
"A sex addict, huh? I think Ricky, your long-lost brother." Abhaya walked over to the window, and just as I was about to respond to her comment, I suddenly screamed, "Stop!" She immediately jumped from the loudness of my voice and quickly turned around.
"What's the matter!?" She questioned with panic.
My eyes shifted from her towards the thick curtains she was about just to open before I yelled. My sexual appetite completely dwindled within an instant as the reality of my body dysmorphia ruined how I felt.
It was quiet between Abhaya and me for only a few seconds before she questioned me again. "Michael, why did you just yell like that? What's wrong?"
Not wanting to answer, I looked away from her questioning eyes and walked towards the wooden desk where my underwear was located. I grabbed them off the top shiny oak surface and quickly placed them on.
"Michael...?" I could hear the confusion in Abhaya's voice, yet I said nothing. I was too embarrassed to say anything. As I avoided Abhaya's eyes, I sauntered back over to the left side of my bed and leaned down to grab Abhaya the shorts she had been looking for for the past 20 minutes. Sighing, I stood back up and turned around to see Abhaya looking worrisome.
"Here," I mumbled and handed her the shorts.
Without another word, I plopped down against
the left edge of my bed and lowered my head in complete shame, complete embarrassment.
I hated this. The feeling of the right of my arm touching smooth skin caused me to slightly turn
my lowered eyes towards the corners of my almond-shaped outer barriers. Abhaya was sitting next to me.
She began to move her hand up and down my arm in
a comforting manner before resting her head against my shoulder. "Michael, are you okay?" She asked.
I shook before finally speaking. "No...No, I'm not."
Abhaya leaned her head back up to look at me,
"Tell me what's wrong. Let's talk." I felt her hand rest on top of mines. The comfort and patience she gave were helping me express how I felt. "Remember when we had sex the first time, and it was dark outside. The curtains were slightly open, and I had the lamp on which was dimly lit?"
Abhaya nodded and encouraged me to continue.
I sighed. "Well, if you haven't noticed, the curtains
are now completely closed, and the lamp is on, but it's still dimly lit."Abhaya looked around for a few seconds as if she was confirming my statement. I continued.
"If the curtains are open, then the sun is going to
seep through and accurately show just how bad
my skin condition is."
The amount of shame I felt was enough to last me a lifetime. I was ashamed of myself. I let this disease become almost irresistible to overcome mentally.
This skin disease was a part of me for a lifetime,
Yet I wasn't willing to accept that. I guess that's what made things worse for me. "Michael, I will never understand what you go through with your skin condition. It's only so much I can say to make you feel good about yourself. I could tell you that you are the most handsome, most beautiful, most enchanting man in the world, but that doesn't mean anything if you don't feel like that on the inside."
Abhaya placed her left palm against the side of my cheek and stroked it delicately.
"But, I will tell you over and over again how I see
you. I will tell you how beautiful and enchanting
you are until my voice gives out. The thing is, though, Michael, you have to tell yourself that as well. You have to be comfortable in your body, and I know it's hard. I know it hurts but loving who you are is
what's going to help you, babe."
This was the first time Abhaya put me in a place of what one can consider a tough love kind of approach.
What she was saying was something I needed to
hear, even if I didn't like it. "That's easier said than done. You don't understand. No one understands."
We looked at one another with dejected eyes.
This wasn't happy; this was sad. But this was real.
Abhaya sighed; what she mentioned next shocked me.
"I never told you this before, Michael, but I have
a cousin back in Massachusetts. He has the same disease as you, vitiligo."
My eyes suddenly dilated in surprise. I knew I wasn't the only person in the world who had this disease, but I had never seen anyone else with it—never heard of anyone else with it either..up until now.
"Before you ask me why I didn't tell you, It was because I knew you would ask me questions that.
I didn't have a solid answer to Michael. The truth of the matter is —" The anxiousness of wanting to know whether her cousin's melanin was gone caused me to interrupt her and ask. The silence followed behind my question answered away. The hairs on the back of my neck stood in terror as the thought of my brown skin being completely gone resurfaced.
I couldn't even imagine how I would look. I didn't want to imagine it. I didn't want to think about it, but the instinct of human curiosity filled my mind every single day. I often wondered how I would look. Would I still look like myself? Like a black man but with pale skin. I often wondered how people would think of me.
If I walked down a street with pale skin, would someone still recognize that I'm Michael? If they
did acknowledge that it was me, would they avoid me?
Would they be afraid or disgusted?
Would they be so curious that they would just stare
at me as if I was an animal?
It's so many questions that I have yet to figure out.
New questions even started to come.
Should I have kids in the future? Or would it be selfish of me to risk passing this skin disorder on?
All the questions were becoming overwhelming for
my mind to deal with. I didn't even realize my tears until they rolled down my chin. I was crying in front
of Abhaya for the millionth time. I felt like a wimp.
Like less of a man. What if Abhaya gets tired of me crying? What If I'm not brave enough for her? What
if she leaves me? No one understands me like her.
No one loves me like her. I don't love anyone as much as I love her."Michael, baby. I need you to breathe, okay. Just breath." I was now erratically crying.
I felt Abhaya wrap her arms around me so gently.
I immediately engulfed her into a warm embrace as
I cried against her shoulder like a helpless child.
Abhaya rubbed my back and reiterated for me just
to breathe until I did. I almost forgot how too. "I don't want to be looked at differently, Abhaya." I sniffled and continued to sob. I felt Abhaya pull back until
we were face to face.
Her hands were cupped against my cheeks, and I could see her eyes stinging with tears, but she didn't cry.
She encouraged me.
"Michael, you will always be you. My cousin will always be him. And I'm not going to lie to you...my cousin was in your position, he was looked at in a way he didn't want to be...and still get those looks because people judge what they don't understand. But they don't have to fucking understand!" I listened to her words in pain, wishing that she would just lie to me about her cousin's life not being so severely affected because of this disease.
It was so hard to control my tears.
Holding them in would only hurt.
"No one has to understand shit because they don't matter, Michael. No one opinion matters. The only thing that matters is that you are comfortable with who you are! Fuck everything else! Fuck it!"
"But what if I get labeled as a freak, huh? What if
I become an Outcast to society!? What if!?"
I frantically asked.
"Then I'll be an outcast right along with you. I'm going to be with you the whole step of the way, Mich—" The sound of my frantic voice caused her to halt her words. "But what if you get tired of being an outcast with me? What if you leave me, Abhaya? What if you wake up and realize you're tired of being with a freak!?"
Suddenly, I felt the side of my face sting with heat.
Abhaya slapped me, and I think I needed that to calm down because I could feel myself going crazy.
"DON'T SAY THAT!" She yelled before standing up
on her feet. "You're not a freak. My cousin is not a freak. This disease doesn't make anyone who has it a freak! Being different from the norm shouldn't equate to a freak Michael! The true definition of a freak is the asshole who created that word."
Abhaya grabbed my hand and pulled me to stand up.
I was still crying. I was still upset, but Abhaya's words impacted me in a way that I needed them to. "Get up, Michael!" Abhaya demanded.I listened. The next thing you know, Abhaya and I were both standing in front of a mirror. There was a light bulb above the mirror that flickered as if it was about to go out.
"I'm Michael Jackson, and I'm not a freak," Abhaya said as she looked inside the mirror. "Say it," Abhaya demanded. I shook my head, feeling overwhelmed with emotion. "I—I can't. I can't!"
Abhaya and I were looking at each other through
the mirror. Something felt so strange as the light bulb continued to blink on and off.
It was like the appearance of our faces changed
with every blink. Why can't you say it!? Say it, Michael! Fucking say it right now! I'm Michael Jackson, and I'm not a freak! Say it!"
"Abhaya...Abhaya, I can't!" It seemed as if the light bulb flicked even more. The room began to spin.
"Why can't you say it!? Why!" She yelled in question.
"BECAUSE THAT'S HOW I FEEL INSIDE!" I yelled out in anger, frustration, sadness.
All the negative emotions were hitting me all at once.
I felt Abhaya grab my hand as tight as she could. The way she held my hand was as if she was about to lose me. "I'm Michael Jackson, and I'm not a freak! Say it! Fucking say it, Michael!"
I stared at myself in the bathroom mirror—a small four by 4 square that I wanted to run away from, but
I was frozen. The sound of Abhaya's voice faded, and it was just me. It was just me up until my reflection started to smile in a hostile manner.
This doppelgänger of mines began to laugh.
It was the laugh of a maniac.
Was this who I was becoming? Someone deranged because I couldn't accept my destined fate.
"Show me. Show me how I look.." He knew exactly what I meant. The doppelgänger's skin began to turn lighter and lighter until all his melanin was gone. A gasp escaped my lips. I reached out and touched the mirror as if I was trying to connect myself.
The doppelgänger reached his hand out as well.
The only thing that kept us away was the thick glass, and for some reason, I think it was best. Though the man in the mirror looked like me, he wasn't.
I could tell from the simpering smile that he was evil. He was the one I created out of self-hatred.
"Freak." He said to me. "Freak." He said again until he repeated it so much that I lost count.
Abhaya's voice was fading back in, but he continued to taunt me relentlessly. "Freak. Freak. Freak."
"I'm Michael Jackson, and I'm not a freak! Say it, Michael!"Abhaya repeated. I felt as if I was in between good and evil. Abhaya was the angel on my shoulder while I was the devil. "Freak. Freak. Freak."
"Say it, Michael! I'm not a freak! Say it!"
My heart rate was beating so fast that it could've
burst. "I'M MICHAEL JACKSON, AND I'M NOT
A FUCKING FREAK!" Suddenly, the light bulb combusted into a million pieces.
My breaths were erratic. My tears covered my face.
My eyes continued to look for him through the pitch-black bathroom, but he wasn't there. He was gone.
A weight had been lifted off of my shoulders, and though darkness surrounded me, the light that I needed was still holding my hand.
—
I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter.
Tell me your thoughts! I enjoy my reader's opinions and commentary!
Much love. <3