Serena
This had been a more eventful evening than I had initially thought. It was actually a lot more awful.
When I had woken up this morning, I was essentially doing nothing up until I had to get ready for the party and even after that, I thought I'd stay a few hours and then leave.
I did not think I would be seeing Liam, Bea, his parents too. I knew it had happened, but my mind was still a bit jumbled. It was all just unexpected.
Not too long after Liam and Bea had left, I had also left to come back home. I didn't really have it in me to stand in these heels anymore and I was also quite tired from everything.
As soon as I got back home, I took of my heels first and then made my way into the bedroom.
Will and I had our own wardrobes, just to make life a little easier when getting ready in the morning. Within mine, I had a memory chest. It was just something that I liked to keep, for all those little things from the past.
I got on the little step-stool and took out the box, before stepping down and sitting atop my bed.
Sifting through the years of little bits and pieces I've kept, I found the thing I was looking for. A letter.
Well, there were two. One was a letter Julie had written to me sometime before the wedding, another was a letter she'd written after.
I put the box aside and opened up the envelope, taking out the letter then read its' contents...
Dearest Rena,
I'm hoping this letter reaches you well.
I really hope you're well and happy, Serena. Wherever you are and whatever you're doing.
You're probably wondering why after all this time I'm writing to you? Well, it's because I have some news. I'm pregnant.
Please don't think I'm telling you this to cause you any pain or hurt you in any way, because that would never be my intention. I only ever wish to see you happy.
I just wanted to tell you this, because I'm just really happy and I really wanted to share this news with someone I consider to be close to me and a friend.
You are actually the first person I'm telling about my pregnancy, even if this letter may reach you afterwards. I also know it's meant to be kept to yourself at first, but I wanted to share the news, and somehow, you're the first person that came to mind.
I'm know I'm about to ask for a lot, but I really want you to come see the baby, whenever he or she is born. I completely understand if it's too much for you, but I really want you to be a part of the baby's life.
I'm really hoping it's a girl, because I know exactly what I want to name her. I have a name in mind, and I hope someday you'll come see her and smile when you hear it.
Serena, you're the kindest, sweetest and most selfless soul I've never known. I wish you all the happiness there is.
I miss you, Rena.
All my love,
Julie
P.S. You're really missed.
I clutched the letter from Julie to my chest, smiling to myself.
This was one of two letters that Julie had sent me about her pregnancy.
The other one wasn't much of a letter, it just said, 'I want you to meet her too' and attached was picture from the sonogram.
My heart instantly melted seeing the picture, and that was also the last I would ever hear from Julie.
The complications surrounding Bea's birth wasn't something I'd find out till later from my Mum, after she spoke to Emma.
I've always regretted not going to see Julie after she sent me that first letter, and it's one I'll forever live with.
Placing the letter back into the box, my drifted back to that day sad day...
***
Four Years Ago...
Death.
It's such an ugly word. It holds such sadness and pain.
When I was little, the passing of my elderly neighbour, Mr Waltsham, was probably the death I faced. I didn't really know what had happened, apart from he wasn't going to be here anymore and as a kid, it wasn't something I understood.
He was an old grump, but never with me. He passed in his sleep, peacefully. I was at school when it happened and when I came home, my Mum told me. She told me it was just his time, but that wasn't something I could understand. 'How could it be someone's time to die?' I asked her.
At the time I don't think she had an answer for me, we just had this silence between us. I didn't cry at first, maybe because it didn't register. Only later did the pain surge through.
After his passing, I hadn't had to go through that horrible experience again, not until Julie.
However, I knew I couldn't break. At least not now.
When I got the call from my Mum, I didn't even know how to react. It just didn't make sense, Julie being gone. It wasn't meant to be like this, she was meant to live a long, happy life.
It didn't even take more than an second of thought, before I was packing my bag, heading towards Liam's house.
We didn't have as much contact between us after I had moved to New York, we had slowly drifted apart, but that was because of me. I subconsciously tried to keep a little more distance and I was apparently successful too.
As I made my way there, I felt my anxiety rising.
I hadn't seen Liam in a very long time and now I was going to be seeing him at his worst. I really wish I had kept in contact. I stopped for my own reason, but now Julie was gone and I felt horrible.
I promised to be there for her. Back in high school I was her first friend and I told her 'I got her' and I just feel like I failed her completely.
Standing outside of Liam's door, I took a deep breath and then rung the doorbell. I was both scared and worried about who I would find on the other side of the door and the state they'd be in.
Seconds later, I heard the door unlock and when it opened, it was Emma. As soon as she did, she pulled me into a tight hug.
I had never seen Emma cry before, and it was truly heartbreaking.
She was a mother crying for her heartbroken son. For her daughter-in-law, who had passed and now for a little baby, who would never see her Mum again.
When I walked through the door, there was just an eerie silence.
No words. No happiness. Everything just felt...empty.
You could tell something was missing.
Someone was missing.
Peter, Liam's Dad was sat on the sofa, looking so helpless. He'd always been one to make jokes and laugh, he was never this quiet. In this moment, he just looked like someone who was lost. Someone who didn't know what he could do to help.
When he looked up, he offered me a small smile, and I didn't think twice before walking towards the sofa where he sat on. I knelt down, so that I was eye-level with him and gave him a hug. He needed one. We all did.
"He's upstairs, sweetheart. It's the second door, on the right." Emma gave me a soft smile and I nodded.
I stood up and began walking through the living room and towards the stairs.
Liam and Julie's home was everything I thought it would be. You could tell Julie was the one who managed the decor, with soft-pastel colours and flowers. Julie always knew what she wanted her own home to be like, even back in high-school. Her idea was to have a home, not a house, somewhere that anyone would walk in and feel a sense of calm, comfort and happiness. She achieved that here.
I knew Liam would do anything for her, and letting her decorate their home was probably the easiest thing he'd done for her.
As I began to walk up the stairs, my heart was racing and my palms were sweating. I was scared to see Liam, scared to see what he'd become without Julie.
Following Emma's directions after getting to the top of the stairs, I found myself standing outside the room that Liam was supposed to be in.
The door to the room was just left open and my eyes went straight to the figure who sat there, on the edge of the bed, seemingly staring into oblivion.
I'd never seen Liam like this. His hair was in disarray, like it'd be uncombed for weeks, and tugged and pulled in every direction.
His eyes were sunken in, no light in those brown eyes anymore. The ones I used to love so much. Dark circles now surrounded them, making him look so exhausted and sad, it broke my heart.
He sat there, holding what looked like knitted jumper in his hands. It was a deep green, the same colour as Julie's eyes.
Liam never moved or made any sign to acknowledge that he knew I was in the room with him, or that he could even sense someone else was there.
I didn't say anything as I walked into the room, only taking a seat beside him. The both of us just sitting in silence.
Liam didn't make any movement and I wasn't even sure if he knew I was here. It scared me slightly. I wanted him to say something, anything, but then again, what was I even expecting him to say?
Feeling brave, I placed one hand on top of his.
He didn't move, or acknowledge that either. His skin was so cold against my hand, I was worried how long he'd been sitting like this.
I thought maybe he just wanted to be alone right now, and I was just about to move my hand away when, without saying a word, Liam turned his hand around to hold onto mine.
He held on so tight like he was afraid I was going to go as well.
I gave his hand a squeeze, and we just sat there, saying nothing.
***
"Rena, sweetheart, could you check on Beatrice? She's fussing again," Emma's voice snapped me out of my thoughts.
I never thought I'd be at the wake after Julie's funeral, but here I was, dressed in black and making sure everything and everyone was okay.
There was no time for me come to terms with my emotions, not when everyone needed me right now, so I did the only thing I could do for them and stayed strong.
"Sure," I smiled towards Emma, and started making my way to Beatrice.
Bea looked exactly like Liam, only she had Julie's eyes.
That baby could have anyone wrapped around her little pinky just by looking at them, and I was no different.
My heart went out to her. Losing her Mum so young and only having barely any time with her. Any time that she had spent with her, she won't even remember.
I wasn't sure if Bea was aware that her Mum was no longer with us, but according to Emma, she seemed to be fussing a lot more since the day Julie had passed. However, she seemed to be calm in my arms, and in all honesty, I felt a lot calmer with her too.
Emma told me that Liam had yet to even hold Bea since Julie passed. Ever since I had arrived, I had noticed he made no move to hold her.
My parents came for the wake as well. They knew that I was here and were were glad to see me. I told them I was going to stay for little a bit, at least till things were somewhat okay...or as okay as that could be.
Liam had finally gotten out of his silent state and left the room. He was making small talk with people who offered their condolences for his loss. He was polite, but not the same Liam he usually was, not that anyone expected him to be.
At the end of the day, everyone had left, and once again the house was empty.
I told Emma and Peter to leave with my parents, they needed the rest after having been here the whole time, running around and making arrangements. They deserved a much needed break, and I was happy to force them to take it.
I had already put Bea down for her nap, and Liam was just upstairs, so I began clearing up myself.
People were so kind to bring food as well, and there were enough leftovers to be put in the fridge.
Just as I finished up cleaning and walked up to the guest bedroom to rest my feet for a bit, I decide to take a little detour and went to check up on Liam.
He'd been doing well, but when it came to acting okay you're really not, I was probably an expert, after having acted like that throughout a lot of my teenage years.
The door to the room was left open again and Liam was sat on edge of the bed, exactly how he looked a couple of days ago when I first arrived.
This time he was clutching a picture frame, and stepping closer, I could see it was a picture of Julie from their wedding day. She wore that dress that I had sent her and I realised that somewhere in this house, that dress was still hung up.
The picture Liam held seemed like it was taking during a dance, probably their first dance together as a married couple. They both looked so happy. It just made me think how hard this all really was for Liam.
He'd lost the love of his life.
He only had a year to call her his wife, when he wanted her to be his forever. It just wasn't fair.
"She's gone, Rena," Liam said, as I took a seat beside him.
"I know," I replied, placing a hand over his, giving it a reassuring squeeze.
I could never truly understand the pain he was going through, since it was far greater than mine, and I had never experienced loss such as this.
She was just gone.
Liam continued to stare down at the picture. "How could she just leave me? Leave Bea?"
His question was asked out loud, and to anyone it would seem like he was genuinely asking me, but I felt as if he was questioning the picture of Julie instead. He was asking her, how could she leave, and in my mind I was asking her the same, only I could never say it out loud.
I moved my hand to place it over Liam's shoulder. "You know if she had a choice, she'd never leave," I told him.
"She was wife," Liam said and my heart clenched at how broken he sounded. "I loved her with everything I had, and now, I just feel empty." His voice cracked towards the end.
I knew that feeling. Loving someone with everything and I also knew that emptiness. It just hurts so much.
"This wasn't how it was meant to be, but now you have to be strong for your daughter," I told him.
I knew Liam was hurting bad, but I needed him to connect with Bea. She'd already lost her mother, I wasn't about to let her father become distant as well.
"I'm scared to even hold her, Rena." Liam said, and when he turned to face me, I held back a gasp. His eyes were red and filled with tears, I could see the raw pain within them. "She's all I have left of her," he choked out, a few tears now falling.
"You're all Bea has too," I told him, gently wiping away his tears, even as they kept streaming down his cheeks. "The way I see it, Julie is still here, in Bea. Don't be afraid to hold her. Not when she needs you the most," I smiled softly at him.
Without warning, Liam pulled me into a hug, burying his face into the crook of my neck.
The gut-wrenching sobs coming from him had me on the verge of tears as well, but I kept telling myself to be strong for him.
We continued to sit there together, and after some time Liam was no longer crying, or holding onto me as if I were his lifeline. However, once again he looked so withdrawn. I wasn't sure if that was harder to take, than the crying.
Before I could break the silence, Bea did it for me, as she let out a wail loud enough to sound through the whole house, filling the emptiness with some much needed noise. The baby monitor in the room made the sound echo even louder.
Liam didn't make a move to get up and I could tell he was expecting me to take care of her, but I wasn't having that.
"Come on," I told him and grabbed his hand, having to tug at it when he wouldn't move.
He made sounds of protest along the way, but I held a firm grip on his hand, not letting him go until we were right in front of Bea's little cot.
I picked her her up, her cries immediately slowing down as I held her to my chest. Her little fists thumped against me, before they just gripped onto my top.
Liam just looked on as if he'd seen a miracle occur, and I didn't waste another minute to move Bea into his arms.
As if on instinct, his arms went around Bea, even though I wasn't going to let go of her until I was sure he had a proper hold on her.
Bea's grip on my top left and she clutched onto Liam's shirt. A little gargled sound left her, but other than that, she was fine. Liam on the other hand looked like he was holding a ticking time bomb.
I moved Bea in Liam's arms, so that now he was cradling her instead, holding her closer to him.
"You got this," I told him as Liam looked at me. "It's like you're a father," I joked.
I never expected Liam to laugh at my words, but he did, and I didn't realise how much I had missed that sound.
He looked so happy in this moment that I wish I could capture it forever, but instead I could only hope that there would continue to be moments like this.
"I haven't laughed in ages," Liam then said as he sobered up, but with a small smile on his face as he look down at Bea, who had somehow fallen asleep again.
"You know Julie would never want you to be sad. She's probably among the stars feeling bad right now," I told Liam.
The last thing Julie ever wanted, was to make anyone feel bad. She was always so careful and considerate of others feelings, there wasn't a bad bone in her body. You couldn't not like her.
"She always had a good soul," Liam then spoke, almost wistfully.
"The girl was an angel even before, now she truly is one," I smiled.
Liam looked up from Bea and towards me, giving me a smile now. "Thank you for being here, Rena", he said and I just nodded.
***
"Come on Bea, it's only milk. You love milk, it's like your favourite drink," I tried to reason with the fussy baby in my arms, and I gently swayed from side to side.
I had been here at Liam's for about three weeks now, trying to help however I could.
During these weeks, Danny and Sara would call up to check on both Liam and I, with Danny being concerned with when I was coming back, back to my 'real life' as he put it. I told him that I would be back soon, although he wasn't entirely too pleased with my answer and with me being here so long.
I knew that it was longer than before he and I expected I'd stay, but I just wanted to make sure everything was okay before I left. I was planning on telling Liam this week that I had to go back, I just needed to find the right way to say it.
I tried bring the bottle back up to Bea's lips, this time making little 'choo-choo' noises, but she was fussing once again.
"Gosh, you're so fussy this morning," I told her sternly, but instead of getting the strict vibe I was going for, Bea just giggled.
"Oh, you think it's funny?" I asked her, and this time Bea let out some noises.
I playfully narrowed my eyes. "I don't know what you just said, but I see that mischievous look in your eye, young lady, and I don't like it," I told her.
Bea let out a squeal of giggles again.
"Good morning," Liam greeted this morning.
After we spoke that night, Liam had slowly started to come out of the shell he'd put himself in. He was talking more and tried to smile, although I still heard the nightmares he'd have. He was still grieving and hurting. I didn't expect miracles overnight, but I was happy with the effort he was making.
"Good morning," I smiled.
"And how is Bea this morning," Liam asked, looking at his daughter with a warm smile.
It was clear he was trying to be strong for her sake now, but it was good. He needed some sort of anchor.
"Fussy," I replied, glaring down at Bea who just innocently smiled, showing off her gums.
"Apparently she's too good for milk now," I said and Liam let an amused chuckle at my words.
He then reached out his arms towards her. "Let me see," he said.
As soon as he took Bea out of my arms, she squealed out in delight. "Hi baby," he cooed, lifting her up and she let out some more high-pitched squeals. "You're my good little princess, right? One that will happily drink her milk?" He asked once he cradled her in his arms.
Bea let out another high-pitched squeal and a giggle this time. "Okay, let's see now," Liam said and took the bottle from me.
To my surprise, Bea drank from the bottle as if she hadn't been fussing this whole time.
"Ugh, trust her to be a daddy's girl," I grumbled.
Liam didn't say anything in return, but just smiled.
"Here-" he said, holding out Bea towards me and I quickly took her and cradled her to my chest.
"Apparently she has a new favourite," I commented and the leaned down towards Bea's face. "Traitor," I whispered, as she just smiled at me.
Bea then blew a raspberry in my direction and happily squealed.
"You're dressed up this morning," I noted, looking at Liam and taking in his appearance.
Liam nodded. "I had a call from work, there's a crisis and I'm needed. They didn't want to trouble me, but I have already taken a lot of time off work."
"Oh okay. Um, I actually have something that I wanted to talk to you about," I said.
I really wanted to tell him about going back, or at least start having the conversation.
"Alright," Liam nodded, looking at me. "Do you want to talk now? Or after?"
"It can wait till you come back," I said. This wasn't a rushed conversation that I wanted to have before he had to hurry off to work.
"Okay cool. We'll talk after," Liam replied.
He then stepped forward and leaned down towards Bea. "Bye, Princess." Liam said, kissing her cheeks as she wriggled in my arms, letting out some cheerful, incoherent sounds in response.
"Bye, Rena," he said, smiling at me, before he headed out.
I'll have to prepare myself for the conservation. Hopefully, I'll say the right things.
***
For the rest of the day, Bea and I spent some quality time together. Well, she didn't do much, except eat, sleep and poop, but I like to think of it as us spending time together.
I placed Bea in the bassinet, in the living room when I heard the doorbell ring.
Opening the door, I found a slightly elderly lady looking at me in confusion.
"Hello?" I greeted her.
"Oh, hello, dear. I was looking for Liam," she said, trying to look past me and into the house.
I eyed her a little weirdly. "He's gone to work, but should be back soon. I could give him a message if you like?" I asked her.
She shook her head. "No, that's alright. I just needed my glass tray. I brought it for the wake, and I don't think I got it back."
Her words then triggered the memory of the abandoned tray, that had been sitting in the kitchen for a while. "Oh, I'm so sorry. I was trying to figure out who that belonged to," I chuckled.
After clearing up, the tray was left behind and it looked too fancy for someone to just give away. I didn't know whose it was, hoping that person would just come to ask for it, luckily now they have.
"Come in, please." I invited her in.
"I remember seeing you at the wake," she said and I gave her a smile.
"Yes, I'm Serena. I was Liam's neighbour growing up," I introduced myself.
I remember this lady now. She was with a group of women, who kept giving me a weird look during the wake. I wasn't sure why.
"Oh, that's right. Emma told me about you. I'm Davina. I live just across the road," she then introduced herself and I just nodded politely. "I didn't know you were still here," she then added.
"Oh, I'm just here to help out for a bit," I told her.
There wasn't a need for me to justify why I was still here, but I didn't like the tone she used.
Davina opened her mouth once more, but the sound of Bea fussing again came from the living room.
"Excuse me for one moment," I said to Davina, before rushing towards Bea.
"Hi, sweetheart." I gently spoke, taking Bea into my arms and she gave me a look, which I could only describe as her trying to glare at me. "It's okay. I'm right here, I've got you. Such a fussy baby today, aren't you?"
I hadn't realised Davina followed me until she spoke. "You're so good with her," she commented, looking at the two of us.
"She just likes the attention," I joked, as Bea calmed down and began to play with my necklace.
"Even at the wake, you were such a natural with her. Emma told me how Liam wouldn't even say a word before you came, and now, seems to be doing better," Davina then said.
Had it been anyone else, I would take their words a lot more kindly, but it was like she was trying to hint at something I wasn't quite understanding.
"It's a slow process," I said.
Davina shook her head, giving me an all-knowing look. "No, I think that's you."
Before I could disagree with her, the sound of the front door opening, cut me off.
After a few seconds, Liam walked into the living room.
"Oh, hello. I didn't know you were coming," he said, looking confused.
I swear Davina was smirking in my direction, before she looked at Liam. "I'm just here to collect my dish," she said.
What is up with her? It's like she had some sort of hidden agenda or she was trying to hint something.
"Right, let me just get that for you," I said.
Liam stepped towards me. "Here, let me take her," he said and I passed Bea to him.
I tried to be as quick as I could getting the tray, since I didn't want to be in Davina's presence any longer.
Something about her irked me. It was like she thought she was the smartest person in the room, and if she was, I wouldn't be so annoyed, but she wasn't. Hence, my annoyance.
"Here you are," I said, passing Davina the tray.
"Rena, I think she wants you again," Liam said and I smiled seeing Bea wriggle in Liam's arms, fussing yet again.
"Come here, my little bumblebee," I smiled, kissing her cheek as soon as she was in my arms.
"You three almost look like a family together," Davina commented, giving us that all-knowing look again.
I really don't like her.
Whilst Liam stood next to me, looking over my shoulder and said nothing, my mind began to race.
"Well, I should get going. Bye Liam. Bye Serena," Davina said, letting herself out.
Finally.
***
I knocked on Liam's door, opening it slightly. I saw him hanging some clothes in his closet and walked into the room.
"Hey, can we talk?" I asked him.
Liam turned at the sound of my voice and smiled. "Sure. What's this about? Is Bea okay?" He asked tentatively, as he took a seat on the bed.
I chuckled. "No, Bea is perfect, I just needed to talk to you."
"Okay sure. What's this about?" He asked, as soon as I sat down next to him.
My heart hammered in my chest as Liam looked at me. But I knew what I had to do.
Liam waited for me to speak and I just decided to bite the bullet.
"I-I think it's time for me to head back now," I said, my voice soft.
Liam just looked at me confused. "Head back?"
"Back home. Back to the city," I clarified. "I've been away as long as I could, but I think it's time now," I told him.
I had the shop to take care of and Arya was eager to have me back as well, since she wasn't used to handling the shop on her own for so long. Danny and Sara were keen to have me back. She missed me a lot and Danny missed me, but he was also was worried about me being in Liam's presence for so long, knowing that he still held a place in my heart, whether I admitted it or not.
"What do you mean? I thought you were here for me? For Bea?" Liam asked and his questions made my heart ache.
I placed a hand on top of his. "I am but you knew this wasn't permanent, Liam."
Immediately, Liam held my hand in both of his. "You said you were staying for me? Rena, I can't-...I'm not ready."
My concern was that he was becoming dependent on me, and seemed valid. I felt like at this point, I was holding him back from fully moving on. I wasn't always going to be around and maybe failing to mention that, was on me, but I truly thought he'd know I wasn't going to stay. I couldn't.
He didn't really need me. He was growing used to me being around. But I couldn't do this.
"I did stay for you. You don't need me now, Liam. You've got a hang of things. Plus, it's not like I'm never going to see you again, I'll come back and visit whenever I can," I tried to tell him, keeping a smile on my face but he wasn't having it.
He retracted his hands from me, as if my skin burned his. "This is bullshit," he exclaimed standing up.
"Liam-" I said, standing up as well.
"No, Rena," he cut me off. "The last time you left, I didn't see you until the death of my wife," he spat out and the fury in his eyes nearly made me flinch. This was the first time he used the words 'death' and 'wife' in the same sentence. "Who has to die now for you to come back?" he added.
"Stop it, Liam." I said, feeling myself grow angry but I tried to keep calm, knowing this was just him acting out because I was talking about leaving. "I'm sorry I stayed away for so long, but that didn't mean that I didn't miss you. Plus this time it'll be different," I told him.
This time I didn't intend to keep away like I did. Despite what anyone, even Danny, may think, I'd come back as often as I could to see both Liam and Bea.
"Why did you come here?" Liam asked and my brows knitted together, looking at him confused. "After the all this time. You stayed away for so long, you should've just stayed away forever," he said.
My eyes widened at his words. How was he even saying this to me?
"I had to come back to see you after Julie-" I began to say, but Liam cut me off.
"Oh sure" Liam said, as he laughed dryly. "To see how I broken I was, now that someone else I loved, left me?" he questioned.
I flinched this time, as he raised his voice.
"It wasn't like that," I told him. He would never truly understand, and I could never tell him.
"It was exactly like that," he snapped at me. "It's only been three weeks, Rena? You really think I'm done hurting?" he asked.
I shook my head. "I never said that."
He let out a sarcastic laugh. "No, but you think it's been enough time for you to just up and leave again, just like you did before."
Why didn't he understand or let me explain, that it wasn't going to be like before?
"I'm sorry you feel that way, but I'm not going to stay gone," I told him.
Liam looked down at me with his towering height. His eyes were narrowed, set ablaze with anger and betrayal.
"Maybe you should," he gritted out through his clenched jaw.
I took a step forward. "Liam-"
"No!" he yelled, taking a step away from me. "You leave now, you leave forever. You stay away from me and my daughter."
He was really doing this? Making me choose like this? Giving me an ultimatum?
"Don't do that. I love Bea, you know that," I told him.
In this short amount of time, I had come to love Bea more than I ever thought I would. She was so sweet and pure, so perfect. The thought of never seeing her again was physically painful.
"If you leave now, Rena, I don't ever want to see you again. I'll pretend these last weeks with you didn't happen, I'll pretend I didn't let you into my life again, for you to just leave," Liam warned me.
His words made me want to cry.
It'd only been three weeks with him, and I felt like the teenage Rena again. This wasn't how it was supposed to be.
I wanted for him and Bea to be in my life again, but not like this. Not where it felt like I was becoming a replacement for Julie. The thought might not even be occurring to him, but it was hitting me tenfold. Like I was stepping into her shoes and I couldn't do it. I gave away my everything so she could have this, not so, when she was gone, I just step in and assume the role. This just wasn't how it was meant to be.
Julie was meant to be here. Not me. Never me.
"Why can't you understand this is hard for me as well? I haven't even shed a tear because I've been busy being strong for you. I'm fighting through my own pain, trying to be there for you. I can't keep this up. I'm going to break," I told him, frustrated that he was making me choose like this.
"Or maybe you're just heartless and can't shed any tears, at least none that aren't crocodile," Liam spat out.
"Liam!" I yelled.
He was going too far and I didn't want to him step over the line, from where there was no point of return for us.
Liam didn't seem to understand this, he seemed to hellbent on this path to hurt me, and so far he was doing a great job.
"Just leave! I never want to see you again," Liam sneered in my face and I just shook my head at him and walked out the room.
If he was really going to accuse me of shedding crocodile tears, I wasn't going to stay here.
I immediately went to the room I was staring in and packed up my things, not wanting to prolong my stay, especially when it wasn't wanted anymore.
As soon as I packed my bags, I went to Bea's room. I couldn't leave without even saying goodbye to her, especially when I didn't know when I'd see her again, if Liam was actually being serious.
Bea was sleeping peacefully as I went into her room and I couldn't help the few tears that fell from eyes.
I had formed a bond with her and I wasn't ready to let go.
Bea began to stir in her sleep and I stroked her cheek gently, until she went back to sleeping peacefully.
"Goodbye Bumblebee. I love you," I whispered, kissing her cheek and left before I completely broke down.
I stepped out and was headed towards the door when I changed my mind. I wasn't going to let Liam have the last word.
Furiously, I stormed into Liam's room.
He was still standing where I left him and I didn't even bother wiping my tears. He could see how shit he made me feel.
"After what you said to me, you don't deserve to hear what I say, but I'm going to talk anyway," I began to tell him.
"I should never have stayed away like I did years ago, but I had a reason, one that you could never understand. I came here, purely because I care about you. I didn't think you needed me, but I wanted to be here anyway," I told him.
"Julie was my friend too and she knew, more than anyone, how much the both of you meant to me," I was breathing heavily at this point, but I wanted to get this off my chest.
"I am sorry I wasn't there before. Me leaving now, wasn't going to be like before, I was going to come back, but now you've made it clear you don't want me too. You're mad that Julie left, I get that. You're mad I left before and I'm doing it again, I get that too. But don't you dare accuse me of being heartless or imply that what I feel isn't real. Don't you ever dare think so low about me," I warned him.
I then took a deep breath, trying to calm myself. "I'll come back, only when you ask me to. I've left all my contact details on the kitchen counter, so now it's up to you how long I stay gone."
"Goodbye Liam. I hope to see you soon," I told him and those were my parting words.
***
Hope you enjoyed this very long read.