Jamie
"We're landing soon, doll."
I am so fucking groggy. I open my eyes at the sound of the harsh Glaswegian accent. The woman sitting next to me is smiling at me, though. Her accent makes her sound so angry, if it weren't for her kind face I would probably be a bit scared of her. She's cool though. I'm glad she's woken me up.
"What time is it?" I ask her, rubbing my eyes. My voice is a little rough. I've slept practically the entire flight.
"It's almost 1 in the morning, your time. This is gonna be a long day." She smiles at me again.
Christ, this jet lag is gonna suck. I'm suddenly wishing I hadn't slept during the entire flight. It's 1 o clock in the morning and I just know I'm gonna be wide awake by the time I get home. If I was still in Scotland, it would almost be 6am. I want coffee so bad right now.
"I would have tried to wake you earlier but you were out for the count." The woman next to me says as I can feel the plane making its descent towards the ground.
"Thanks." I tell her as I grip my armrests. Landing is my least favourite part about flying. Almost there though.
As we approach American soil, I try to ignore the weird feeling I have in the pit of my stomach and focus on the positives. I had an awesome time in Scotland; it was great to finally see the sights and to catch up with Helen, Lori, Robert and Steve after so many years. It was an awesome trip for sure, but I do miss Benji. I'm looking forward to Benji jumping all over me as soon as I get back into the house. And I'm looking forward to American food, and American accents, and American TV. There are so many positives about the fact that I am almost back in North Bridge. What else? I get to see Aubrey and Kim soon, not to mention John and Zach. I'm on better than expected terms with Noah, I'm even excited to see him and hear what he's been up to these past few days, and I know he'll wanna hear about my trip too. I'm excited to pick up a guitar again, because I haven't played in a while and I really am missing it now. Particularly after seeing Lewis Capaldi play last Friday. And of course, I'm excited about seeing my best friends: Jay, Joel...
And that's where my excitement ends, and turns into apprehension. Patrick.
How do I feel about seeing Patrick? Nervous, anxious, probably a little nauseous. Yeah, that about sums it up.
I wanted to go to Scotland to give myself space from all of this shit with him, and it has worked a little. I mean, I have literally been thousands of miles away from him over the past five days or so. But other than the distance between us, my plan hasn't worked at all. If anything, feeling so far away from him only made me miss him. Which fucking sucks. I don't wanna miss him the way I do. Not in this new, painful, longing kind of way. I have never felt this before, besides when I think of mom sometimes. I hate it. And I know that seeing Patrick again isn't gonna make this feeling go away, it's only gonna make it worse.
When he sent that message into our group chat telling me to have a good trip, I almost fucking cried. I mean, I didn't even have the decency to tell him that I was going to Scotland. But he had the decency to act so normal about it. I wonder how he reacted when Jay or Joel told him. I bet he was able to hide his surprise and act like he didn't care. I hope he did care. He's liked my Instagram posts, though. Which is something. I think he probably wants to assure me that he's gonna be nice now and put in the effort to move forward as friends and put everything that's happened between us since the start of the year behind us. But, I just don't wanna do that. I know I have to though. I'm gonna try. I plan to apologise to him for the way I left things with him before leaving the country last week (the boat house in the park, the rain, our argument...) then agree to move forward as his friend. It's gonna be fucking difficult, especially if Amanda starts coming around to watch us perform and rehearse. But I've made my bed, I guess. I need to sleep in it.
The plane lands, and the aisle is suddenly illuminated with light. It's dark outside so all of the lights have come on now so that we can see where we're going. I'm not in a great rush to get off of this plane and get home, but I don't wanna keep Jay waiting. He's skipped so many classes already lately, I doubt he wants to miss any tomorrow, so I don't wanna keep him up any later than required.
Once off the plane we're shuttled from the runway to the Arrivals gate, then I make my way through the lobbies of the airport behind the rest of the people from my flight. I am trying so hard to focus on looking out for my suitcase on the conveyor belt and to not focus on the impending shitty feelings I'm gonna experience when I see Patrick again. I'm still wearing his hoodie too, which is totally weird and gross. I slept in it last night then I wore it the entire fucking day. It's strange. As apprehensive as I feel about seeing him again, wearing his hoodie is giving me comfort. Go figure. I wonder how he'd react if he knew I wore his hoodie all day. Doesn't matter, it's not like I'm gonna see him tonight. It's fine. And I can spend the majority of the day in bed tomorrow, my jet lag will be a good excuse for my being anti-social for one day at least. I could probably pretend to be sick too. Oh, there's my case.
I grab my case, hitch my carry-on bag back up onto my shoulder again, and start making my way out of the Arrivals lounge and into the main foyer of the airport. I kind of expected to see Jay in the Arrivals lounge, but there's no sign of him so far. He's probably in Starbucks, drinking coffee and trying to keep himself awake. I think the Starbucks is open all night. I could use a coffee right now. Bad idea though, or I really will be wide awake by the time I get home.
I head off in the direction of Starbucks anyway, fully expecting to see Jay casually sitting there waiting for me. I must thank him for being such a gent and coming to help me with my bags. Not.
Then suddenly, I drop my shoulder bag by mistake and almost trip over my suitcase, because Patrick is walking towards me right now.
What the hell is he doing here?!
I stop walking and stare at him as he approaches me. It looks like he's alone. I'm confused. I don't understand. Why would Jay send Patrick to pick me up? Why would Patrick want to come and pick me up after the way we left things last week!? Right, that could explain this actually. He feels badly about how he left things with me, after our boat house incident in the park... Okay, that's a good thing. That could explain why he's felt the need to drive out to the airport at this time of night (on his own, by the looks of things) to pick me up. That makes sense, right? I don't know! I have no fucking clue, and I feel a little panicked. I look around quickly, hoping that Jay is gonna come casually walking over to me, but something tells me Jay isn't here. I wish I wasn't wearing this fucking hoodie!
I'm freaking the fuck out now, and it is not helping that this is the first time I've laid eyes on him since that night. He looks amazing, as always. He's wearing what he usually wears, ripped jeans, a black shirt covered with a black jacket, and he has a black beanie on. He's overdue for a haircut, the hair poking out from beneath his beanie looks a little longer than usual but it looks so cute. He looks better than that guy Scott that I met in the pub in Edinburgh. Much, much better. He looks better than Noah. He looks better than any boy I've ever seen before, and I know I'm thinking this right now because I'm hopelessly in love with him. I'm not over him at all, as much as I've been trying to convince myself that I'm gonna get there, it hasn't happened yet. It hasn't even started. The butterflies I'm feeling right now are absolute confirmation of that. What the fuck is he doing here? I can't do this right now, I just can't. I was anxious enough about seeing him as it is, I didn't need to be ambushed like this. I feel like I'm gonna pass out, but I can't show any signs of weakness. I need to try and act like his presence isn't effecting me the way it is. I need to take control of this situation, so I'll talk first, before he gets the chance to say anything to me.
"What are you doing here? Where's Jay?" I ask as he approaches me where I'm standing. I'm trying to come across as bold and confident, but I think I failed miserably. My voice comes out all quiet and a little shaky.
"I told him I'd pick you up, he has class early in the morning, I don't." He replies casually, picking up my bag that I dropped and slinging it over his shoulder. I'm thrown even more by the sound of his voice. I haven't heard it in days. I've missed it. God!
"Okay..." I say. His explanation makes sense. If things between us were how they were this time last month, I would totally accept this. But I feel like there's more. I think he's maybe trying to make amends with me right now, and I do appreciate the gesture. I just wasn't prepared to see him so soon! I thought I'd have more time! I'm trying to think of something normal and friendly to say but I'm coming up short. It doesn't matter though, because he speaks first.
"And I wanted to see you as soon as possible, because I'm done tiptoeing around this and trying to act cool about it. I'm done wasting time." He's speaking so confidently, I guess this is a good thing. He's confident that we can build bridges and get back to being friends? I don't wanna rain on his nice gesture, so I'll try to roll with it. Although, I don't know if I'll ever be able to get back to a place where I can just be his friend. He goes on.
"I've been thinking about what I should say to you right now. You know, should I mention the fact that I know there's absolutely nothing going on between you and Noah now, for sure? Should I mention the fact that there is absolutely nothing going on between me and Amanda, because I know you think there is? Should I mention Joel and Jay and the band, and any other fucking factor getting in the way of this? I don't know." Okay. What? Wait, there's nothing going on between him and Amanda? What the fuck is he getting at? I blink up at him, totally frozen to the spot. He keeps talking.
"I don't think any of that shit matters, not right now. Because I came here to tell you that I love you." He pauses for a beat. I'm still frozen.
"It's something I've never said to you before, because I knew you'd assume I meant I love you like a best friend. But I don't. I never have. I'm in love with you, Jamie. I have been for a very long time. I don't know if anything I've done about this in the past has been right or wrong, but we're here now... and I love you. I don't want you to doubt that for another second. So there it is."
He's reaching into his jacket pocket for something, and I'm trying to keep my heart from beating right out of my chest. I cannot believe he just said all those things to me. I wasn't expecting that. Not tonight, not ever. I'm in a complete and utter state of shock. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. I wanna hug him and I wanna kiss him and I wanna tell him I fucking love him too. But this feels like a dream. I'm not entirely convinced that this is actually happening. I was fast asleep on the plane, maybe I still am?
He pulls his hand out of his pocket and stretches it out to me. But I'm still looking at his eyes. I don't even seem to have the functional capacity to move my line of vision right now. He's looking down at his hand though. He blinks a couple of times. God, his eyelashes are so fucking pretty. His gaze shifts and his eyes meet mine again. God, his eyes are so fucking beautiful. I finally manage to look down at his outstretched hand, and sitting in his palm I see a round, smooth, pebble.