Pep sat at the side of the hospital bed holding onto her mother's lifeless hand, she has been on life support for over three months now. She was afraid to let go, her abandonment issues manifested itself in multiple ways and the person she was most attached to was fading away right before her eyes. Tash walked into the hospital room with her coffee in hand and a Red Hot under her arms, she stood silently at the door watching Pep's back.
"The doctor said I should think about euthanasia, maybe I should think about killing him." Pep sniffled.
Tash rested the cup of coffee and chips on the bedside table so she could rub soft circles on Pep's back, "I'm sure he meant it in the best way possible." Tash whispered.
"There is no best way to kill my mom." Pep raised her voice.
"I know, I kn-" Tash was cut off by a frantic Pep.
"No! You don't know! You don't know my mom, you don't know her. I can't kill my mom, I'll kill everyone else before I kill her. I'll kill myself." Pep shouted.
Tash took a few step backs and said, "Taidan, she's in pain. Look at her."
Pep turned to face her dying mom once more, she couldn't find it in her to pull the plug. She could afford to keep her on life support and there was no logical reason in her mind not to. Tash knew Pep was stubborn, she knew she'd have to allow her to come around on her own.
"I just love her, I love her so much." Pep sighed.
She didn't like to cry, she hated the desperate feeling; she hated to fall apart, she hated feeling low. The weight on her shoulder was immense and her heart was at war with her head, her mother saved and protected her, loved her when she was nothing but a scrawny little girl. Her mother loved her before the riches and would've continued loving her even if she didn't leave to better herself.
"She stopped talking to me for two whole days when I left home. She cried and begged me to stay but I promised her I would only leave for six months and then I'd be back richer and better and I'd be able to take care of her." Pep's eyes never left her mother, she continued holding onto her feeble, wrinkled mhand hoping for a change; for a miracle.
"She said, 'no, ma fille please stay with mama.' I should've stayed, I should've been there for her but instead I left her with that man. He never cared about her, I don't even know why she stayed with him. I bought her the house so she could get away from him and when I went there again, there he was living there. I hated him so much but she loved him so I had to tolerate him living in her house. My mother used to beat me a lot," Pep chuckled. "She used to hit me out of a wooden spoon because I was too skinny for a belt. She used to force me to eat, thinking that maybe it was the lack of food why I was thin and lanky. I can't tell you the amount of mornings and nights I've eaten cornmeal porridge and Semolina while everyone else ate their dinner."
Tash stood closer to the door listening to Pep, all she could do was listen. She was afraid to speak, afraid that she would say something that would trigger her. Slowly, Tash made her way over to Pep and wrapped her arms around her from the side. Pep rested her mother's hand down gently before she turned around to hug onto Tash accepting the physical comfort. Pep rested her chin atop of Tash's head allowing her tears to free fall down her face.
"You have to make a choice, babe. She's suffering and you can stop that. You can make it peaceful." Tash said lightly.
"I know." Pep didn't say anything else, she felt as if she had said enough for the day.
Letting go of Tash, Pep kissed her mother's forehead and then pressed the button on the bed to alert the nurse. Once the nurse came rushing in, Pep turned to face her and said, "I'd like to pull the plug." Her face was stern and cold.
Tash knew the old Pep was back, she knew that the upcoming days and weeks- or maybe even months- would be tough because Pep was back to being her cold and distant self. Pep stepped from in front of the nurse and left the room without another word, Tash looked towards the nurse and awkwardly smiled.
"Give her some time, it's really hard losing a parent." The nurse rested her hand on Tash's shoulder.
"I'll be there for her whether she wants me there or not." Tash forced her lips up into a smile trying her best to keep her tears back.
Tash took up Pep's blazer off the chair and looked back at her mother one last time, this wasn't how she wanted to remember her mother. She wanted to spend time with her, she wanted to get to know her so she could fully know and understand Pep and how she was. Tash met Pep out at the reception desk signing the consent forms, putting the final decision on pulling the plug. It took her three months to come to a conclusion and Tash was glad that she finally decided to let her go. The doctor had explained that life support was the only thing keeping her alive, keeping her heart beating and air in her lungs. Tash couldn't bear the sight of her mother looking like that, in the last three months Tash had gotten closer with her mother. They now talked every other day and kept each other updated on their lives.
They silently walked to the parking lot, both of them in their own minds. Tash didn't want to push it and Pep was feeling numb. The car ride was silent, saved by the sad playlist from Pep's phone. Her music playlist consisted mainly of unpopular bands, soca music and a lot of slow and deep music.
Pep didn't turn onto the driveway when they finally got home, she stopped the car by the curb and unlocked the doors.
"I'll be back soon." Pep said.
"Let me come with you." Tash offered.
With a loud irritated sigh Pep said, "no, I need to be by myself right now."
"I don't think you should be." Tash turned to face her and reached out to touch her hand on the steering wheel.
Pulling her hand away Pep looked over at Tash. "Don't make me repeat myself."
Tash squeezed her eyes shut trying to hold back the tears, she looked over at Pep once more before she pulled the door and put one foot out. "Please don't do anything stupid and don't get yourself killed." Pep didn't answer, she just stared through the windshield with her knuckles white against the steering wheel.
Stepping out of the car and closing the door behind her, Tash watched as Pep spun the car around and sped off down the dirt road leaving her in dust and stones splattering everywhere.
"Please, come back home." Tash rested her palm on her forehead. She felt as if she was ready to burst.
She needed to get her mind off Pep and her unknown plans and delirious mind. Tash knew there was one thing she could do that Pep would appreciate, so she decided to do what Pep does and bury herself in bookkeeping; managing their finances.
**
Let's talk mental health 🖤
Abandonment issues- the fear of abandonment (loss)
It is not classified as a mental illness but as a form of anxiety. Many of us knowingly and unknowingly show signs of abandonment issues- many of which stem from childhood.
Abandonment issues can cause you to react before the action because you want to have the final say, because you are afraid that the person might do the same thing.
A.I can cause you to form and maintain unhealthy relationships because it's easier than being alone.
A.I can cause you to push people away before they come too close, to keep relationships and feelings at bay because you don't want to feel too much. You want to lessen the impact of the loss.
A.I can cause internal conflict, stress, unrealistic expectations and the "everyone leaves in the end" mentality.
A.I can cause dismissive behaviors, the "nothing is there so there's nothing to let go" mentality when in actuality it's eating you alive and it plagues your mind everyday. (I would definitely suggest letting go of pride but don't take my word for it because whew chile I can talk pride for hours 🥺)
A.I can cause exuberant actions (both negative and positive) to get attention, the need for constant reassurance, the imagination of scenarios and ruining something before it even begins.
These and many more are signs of abandonment issues which shows that it's a common and relatively frequently occurring mental issue.
Taking life day by day, giving the benefit of the doubt, allowing someone to prove themself, not being distant, not being hasty are just some ways of overcoming abandonment issues.
While I, might find it best to stay by myself and be salty not everyone shares the same sentiment. If you feel the need to build a relationship please ensure that you and the person are exuding similar vibes. I feel the need to talk about mental health especially on this book because it touches a lot of mental issues and abuse.
Remember, it's okay to move on. It's okay to love yourself, it's okay to not love yourself, it's okay to give and receive love, it's okay to be reclusive, it's okay to be single, it's okay to fall apart once in awhile or twice per day, it's okay to be afraid, it's okay to wait, it's okay to have hope, it's okay to wish, it's okay if you push people away because you're scared, it's okay to pull people in because you're also scared (the good ones) it's okay to be HUMAN.
PS: FUCK COLUMBUS DAY, TF!!!! FUCK EVERYONE WHO CELEBRATES THAT SHIT AND FUCK COLUMBUS OL BIG I FOUND NEW LAND HEADASS, OL THIEVING ASS TRIFLING ASS RAPIST AND MURDERER!