Jamie
"OHMYGOD! JAAAAAMIE!"
My cousin Lori pretty much floors me as I walk into the arrivals lounge. She's tall, so fucking tall, almost 6 foot I'd say. Her hair is blonde, shoulder length and tousled. She has a hoop through her right nostril and about 20 piercings on each ear. She's cool as fuck, and we get on really well. My aunt Helen is standing smiling at me too. She's an older version of Lori, minus all the piercings. Helen and my dad grew up with my grandparents in Scotland, so she is Scottish through and through. I love their accents so much, and as shitty as I have felt lately, I can't help but smile back at her. This was a good decision. And oh my god, I'm in Scotland! This is amazing!
"Hey you guys, it's so good to see you!" I say with genuine enthusiasm.
"Hey you guys!" Lori mimicks my accent, grinning from ear to ear. "You are so American! I've missed you!"
"Come on, let's go out to the car." My aunt Helen says as she grabs my suitcase for me. "We can catch up on the drive to the house."
And we do. It's been years since I've seen them, so we have plenty to talk about on the car ride over to Helen's house. Between my interest in the stories they're telling me and my mild concern over Helen driving on the left hand side of the road, I don't even have time to think about any of the shit I don't wanna think about. Before I know it, I'm laying my head down to sleep in Steve and Helen's spare room.
***
"Rise and shine sleepy head!"
Lori pulls the drapes back in the spare room and I rub my eyes while sitting up in bed. Christ, this is jet lag? I'm not a fan.
"What do you want to do today? Go see the Castle? Wonder up and down Prince's Street like absolute tourists? Go to the zoo?!" She's extremely excited, standing in front of me in her fleecy pyjamas. Scotland is very fucking cold this time of year.
"I don't know, whatever you guys wanna do?" I reply groggily. "I mean, I totally wanna do all of those things, just whatever."
"We should go to the zoo." Lori informs me, sitting down on the edge of my bed. "It's mobbed at weekends, so we should totally go today."
"Sounds good." I smile at her before reaching onto the bedside table for my phone. It's still on flight mode from last night.
"Oh, I'll get you our WiFi code so you can get online! You must have heaps of messages from your dad and that." Lori exclaims before hopping off of the bed and rushing out of the room. I love the way she talks.
I get up and make my way downstairs. Helen is already in the kitchen making breakfast, and Steve's there too.
"Hello there, USA." Steve smiles up at me from his newspaper. "Long time, no see. How was the flight?"
"Fine, I slept most of the way." I lie. It was not fine. My first long haul flight was terrible, I hated every moment of it. But I'm happy to be here, so they don't need to know that.
"Robert still asleep?" I ask as I sit down at the kitchen table next to Lori.
"Oh gosh, I completely forgot to tell you last night!" Helen exclaims, turning to face me with her frying pan in hand. "Robert's at Uni in Glasgow, he left a few days ago. You won't get to see him!"
"We can FaceTime him or Skype him or something if you really want to see him?" Lori suggests, rolling her eyes.
"Yeah, maybe later." I say with a smile as Lori slides something resembling a credit card over to me.
"WiFi name and pass code." She informs. I programme the details into my phone.
"So, we can drive into town straight after breakfast and head for the zoo if you want, Jamie?" Helen says, sitting down at the table with a coffee cup in hand.
"Sounds great." I say quietly, because all of my messages are flashing up on my phone now that I'm online, and one in particular has caught my eye.
Patrick @ The Middle, 14:35pm: Hope Scotland’s awesome, maybe you’ll get to see that Penguin Parade at the zoo. Have fun. P x
I lock my phone immediately. I will be seeing the Penguin Parade, very soon. But I'm not replying to him.
***
And oh my god the Penguin Parade is awesome. It started out years ago because one of the zoo keepers forgot to close the gates on the penguin enclosure, so a bunch of the penguins came out and followed him around the zoo a little. When the guy noticed they were following him he just carried on walking the pathways to see if they would continue following him, and they did. And so the Edinburgh Zoo Penguin Parade was born. We're all standing around a small pathway beside the penguin enclosure (Penguin Rock) watching as the penguins waddle past us, following the zoo keepers. It's the cutest thing I have ever seen in my life and I am totally happy right now. I feel like I could cry, actually.
But obviously, I'm not gonna cry. I'm gonna keep my shit together and continue walking around this awesome zoo with my aunt Helen and my cousin Lori, because the parade is almost over.
"We'd be as well heading into Penguin Rock now." Helen comments, so I follow her and Lori through to the enclosure.
It's so cool. A few pools for the penguins to swim in, an indoor space for them to hide out in, and a cafe serving Penguin themed lattes. I feel like I'm in Philly. And as such, I can't stop the unwelcome thoughts creeping into my mind.
Patrick loves penguins, just as much as I do. They were always our favourite animal to go see at the zoo. We would watch them together for ages. Penguins will forever remind me of Patrick.
"You okay!?" Lori exclaims, tossing her blonde hair back and reaching out for my hand as I almost slip and fall over the barrier, headfirst into one of the pools.
"Shit, sorry, yeah I'm good. Thanks." I say, reclaiming my composure.
Helen shakes her head and laughs at my clumsiness before walking off in the direction of the cafe. Lori moves to follow her, but notices I'm probably as white as a ghost right now.
"You sure you're all right?" She asks, eyeing me with concern.
I nod my head frantically.
"Totally. Um, one of my best friends really likes penguins. I'm gonna snap some photos to send him real quick, I'll catch up to you guys."
"Him?" Lori grins at me. "Anyone special?"
"No." I lie. "One of the guys."
That's a half truth right there. He is one of the guys. But he most certainly isn't no one special. And I can't seem to say his name.
"Oh, okay. Jay, Joel or Patrick?" Lori asks me casually. Such a normal question. I should answer her truthfully.
"Joel."
Why am I lying? I guess I really can't say his name.
"Cool. Come find us in the cafe when you're done." Lori instructs before walking off after her mom.
I turn and rest my forearms against the barrier separating me from a group of grasshopper penguins, playfully jumping around over some rocks and pebbles next to their pool. I take a deep breath because I need to, before fully letting the following memory in.
***
Im sixteen, my hair is blue, and I'm wondering around the Philadelphia Zoo with my best friends in the world; Jay, Joel, Patrick and Erin. Melody is here too, she's running around someplace with Joel. Erin and Jay have wondered off on their own too, those two are having one of their good days today so they wanna be alone. So Patrick and I are stuck together. Well, not stuck together. We love hanging out together, just the two of us. And we both love penguins, so naturally, we're happily watching the penguins in their enclosure and we're showing no signs of moving elsewhere any time soon.
"Look, the mating season must have just passed." Patrick points out as we stop next to a group of penguin chicks and their moms.
"So fucking cute." I comment, grinning from ear to ear. "They're so little and fluffy."
Patrick doesn't say anything but he smiles as he watches the chicks hopping around next to their watchful mother's. One of the babies has waddled off from its mom, so she's rushing after him and squawking out to him, but he ignores her as he continues towards another bigger penguin. The baby collides headfirst into the big penguins butt, and Patrick and I laugh as the mother penguin reaches the baby, it sounds like she's scolding him for running into someone else. But then, the big penguin turns to face the mom and the chick, and I swear he looks happy. The chick starts nuzzling into the big penguin, and the three of them stand together resembling nothing short of a happy family.
"That must be dad." I say with a smile, and Patrick nods his agreement. "You know, I never knew penguins mated for life until you told us about that."
"Yeah?" His voice is low, like he's not overly interested in what I'm saying. But I go on, because it's Patrick I'm talking to and he'll listen to me ramble on about fucking anything.
"Yeah. I thought they were like most other animals, you know? Hump then dump. Reproduce. No feelings, no attachments. It's cute that they fall in love, just like us."
He turns his head slightly to face me and raises an eyebrow at me. But again, he doesn't say anything. He returns his attention to the penguin enclosure, his tongue lightly spinning his lip ring around. Weird, he only really toys with his lip ring when he's nervous. Whatever, I don't read into it.
"And that thing you told us about the pebbles is the cutest thing I've ever heard in my life." I say, pressing the conversation on. He rolls his eyes playfully before turning to face me again.
"It's true, look it up." He says simply.
"I already did! There's loads of stuff about it online." I beam at him.
A little background on this: Not so long ago, the guys, Erin and me were all hanging out in my garage. We were sitting around talking and laughing, and Friends was on the TV. It was that episode were Ross tells Rachel that she's his 'lobster'. I love that episode, because it's funny and totally sweet. The part were Ross tells Rachel that lobsters grow old together and walk around in their tanks holding claws is so fucking cute. And hey, I'm a romantic deep down. I love that shit. We stopped talking for a while because I wanted to pay attention to Friends, and Erin ended up commenting that she wants to find her 'lobster'. Jay bristled slightly at this, because they weren't on great terms on that particular day, and she definitely only said it to try and get a rise out of him. It worked, because he shot right back that he hopes to find his lobster soon too. In the interests of damage control, Joel agreed with them both, and I did too. I pointed out that everyone wants to find their lobster. Who wouldn't, right?
And that's when Patrick chimed in. Patrick, the player who never gives girls the time of day. He sat there and casually told us that he has absolutely no interest in ever finding his lobster, which none of us were surprised about. But we were surprised when he went on to tell us that he wants to find his 'penguin'. The guys laughed, thinking he was just making some stupid joke, but there was something about the way he said it. I knew he was being serious, so I pressed him for further details.
He went on to tell us that penguins mate for life and they fall in love, just like people. He told us that male penguins even fight over pebbles, because they sort of propose to the female penguins by presenting them with the prettiest, most perfect pebble they can find. And then that's it, they're together for the rest of their lives. It was so cute. I remember Erin, Jay and Joel calling bullshit and Patrick shrugging his shoulders. He didn't care what they thought about his story, but I knew he was being serious. I could tell. I didn't say anything, but I remember smiling to myself as I watched Ross tell Rachel that she's his lobster. I remember thinking to myself in that moment you know what? Fuck lobsters, I want to find my penguin.
"So, you see." Patrick says as we continue watching the penguin families in the zoo. "The dad gave the mom a pebble. Then that little terror came along. I don't know about the kid, I guess he'll fuck off on his own when he's older. But the mom and dad will be together for life."
I grin at him as I watch him watching the penguins. I love seeing this side of him. It doesn't happen often, but sometimes, usually when it's just the two of us, I do get a rare glimpse into Patrick's soft side.
"You're a secret romantic, aren't you, P?" I tease him, earning another eye roll.
"Maybe. Maybe not. You'll never know." He replies casually.
I sigh. "I just wish I could find someone who wants to give me their pebble, you know?"
He watches me with interest and he doesn't reply to what I just said. Instead, he rolls up the sleeves of his black hoodie (revealing a scattering of ink on his biceps, he's gonna get full tattoo sleeves in time) puts his right foot up onto the barrier separating us from the penguins, and hops into the enclosure.
"Dude, what the fuck are you doing!?" I whisper-shout at him while frantically looking around to make sure no one is watching.
He doesn't answer me, and I watch (a little panicked in case he gets caught) as he bends over and rifles through a pile of pebbles. The family of penguins we were watching are looking on at him curiously, but they don't make a move to approach him. They're super friendly, they're probably just wondering what the hell he's doing, much like myself. After about a minute, he walks over to the railing again and jumps it effortlessly so that he's standing next to me again.
"What the hell was that? You could have gotten into serious trouble!" I scold him, glancing around nervously again. It's fine though, no one saw.
"Here." He grins at me while extending his right hand to me. And sitting in the palm of his hand is a small, smooth pebble. A perfect pebble. I blink up at him, confused.
"Take it." He encourages me, so I pick up the pebble from his hand, baffled.
"No matter what bullshit is going on between you and the assholes you always seem to date, just remember that you'll always have me." He says, smiling down at me. I feel my throat tighten a little, because I recently went on a date with this guy from school, Darren. I was so excited about it because he is totally hot and I found out he was into Dashboard Confessional and Mayday Parade. He turned out to be a jerk. That's why Patrick is doing this, and I appreciate it.
"Thanks dude." I smile back up at him, clutching on to the pebble. "But you know, you're gonna find someone you wanna give your pebble to for real some day. The perfect girl."
"You hang on to that one." He says to me. "You're my perfect girl."
"Awww, what's gotten into you!?" I say, nudging him playfully with a laugh. His smile abruptly turns into a frown, and his eyes move from mine to something over my shoulder.
"Put it in your pocket." He says quickly. "Joel will give me shit about it. I have a reputation to uphold."
I laugh and turn to see Joel and Melody approaching us. I do as I'm told and slip the pebble into my pocket before Joel sees. I know exactly what Patrick means. He's never sweet like this, and the guys would absolutely roast him if they knew about this. So, I'll keep it to myself.
***
My breathing is rapid and my knuckles are white from how hard I'm gripping the railing in front of me. Patrick gave me his pebble, years ago. He as good as told me I'm the girl for him. But I was too fucking blind to see it. I thought it was just a sweet, friendly gesture. I thought he was just trying to make me feel better after my shitty date with that guy Darren. But it wasn't an innocent gesture. It was more. I know that now, and I feel... God, I don't even know what I feel.
How could I have been so stupid? He's been right in front of my fucking face all along. Patrick. My Patrick. My penguin. And I never even realised.
Once I've regained my composure I snap a few pictures of the penguins to post on my Instagram, because as mad as I was at him after what happened in the boat house, I want Patrick to know that I'm here. Penguins are our thing, so fuck Amanda. I'm watching the penguins and I'm realising things I should have realised ages ago. I can't put it into words, and I can't text him. I just can't. So, I'll do the passive aggressive thing and post on my Instagram, which I barely ever do. He'll get it, I know he will. I'm sure to get some pebbles into the shots I take. They're so significant. They always have been.
I take a deep breath before walking off towards the cafe to join Helen and Lori. I'll do my Instagram post later, when I'm back on the WiFi at Helen's place.
"Latte?" Helen asks, holding a cup out to me as I join them inside the cafe.
"Thanks, Helen." I take a generous mouthful. Coffee might help me regain a feeling of normality.
"My friend Stephanie just texted me about Lewis Capaldi tomorrow." Lori informs me, grinning up at me from her phone. "We're going to go to Spoons for a few first, then head over to the concert hall for the gig."
Lori's friend just had to be named Stephanie, didn't she? My thoughts immediately snap to Patrick's younger sister, Steph. Why the fuck does everything I do make me think of him!?
"What's Spoons?" I ask, keeping the conversation on track.
"Wetherspoons." Helen says with a laugh. "It's a pub. These young ones always call it 'Spoons.'"
"Spoons is magic, and the drink is dirt cheap." Lori says emphatically. "It's like £3 for a pink gin and lemonade. You have to try the Edinburgh Gin - Raspberry liqueur! It's amazing. You like gin?"
"Yeah, I do." I inform her, glancing at Helen nervously. I don't know how she feels about underage drinking, but she's being so nonchalant about the prospect of Lori and I meeting her friend at a bar. She must be cool with it. But I don't have a fake ID, shit. "Do they card there?"
"Aye, usually. But it's fine, you're 18. And you've got your American driving licence, that's acceptable proof of age." Lori replies, waving her hand dismissively. Right! The drinking age is 18 over here. And I will most definitely need a drink tomorrow night, before standing listening to all of those sad Lewis Capaldi songs...
"So, how about we head into the town centre and we can show you some of the sights?" Helen suggests happily. "We can go to the chocolate bar at Harvey Nichols and have a late supper at the house tonight."
"Oh my god, aye! I haven't been to the chocolate bar in ages! We can have a couple of glasses of champers too. Good shout, mum!" Lori is ecstatic.
So after the zoo, we head into Edinburgh City Centre. And it's fucking breathtaking. The Castle is up on a hill, and you get a decent view of it from pretty much everywhere. The best view is on Princes Street (the main shopping area in town) so I snap some pictures. I might post them on Instagram along with my penguin pictures. I'll see how I feel later on.
We get up to the top floor in Harvey Nichols and order strawberries, melted chocolate and champagne. It's so cool, sitting around drinking with no one batting an eye (as if I dont get away with this all the time in the Grill) and I really do enjoy myself. But as soon as we get back to the house and my phone reconnects to the WiFi, I feel that familiar feeling creeping back in. I don't know what it is exactly. It could be heartbreak, to be honest. Because I am heartbroken about everything that's happened with Patrick. About what could have been.
I select my favourite penguin photo and post it on my Instagram, after thinking long and hard about the caption. Eventually, I settled for the following:
Couple goals <3 #edinburghzoo #penguinsrock #youremypenguin
I wasn't entirely sure about that last tag, but fuck it. If he sees my post, which I'm sure he will (he still follows me, I've been checking) he can think of it what he will. I turn my phone off and focus my attention on having a nice dinner with my Scottish family.