Patrick
Jay @ The Middle, 20:04pm: We're at Jamie’s now.
And that’s my cue to leave.
I drive over to Jamie’s since Joel doesn’t have his car, so I can take him home when we leave. If he'll even want a ride home with me after I've done what I'm about to do. I’m nervous, but I know what I need to do. I planned it all out with Amanda this afternoon. She thinks it’s a good plan, and so do I. I’m not shying away from it now. I need time away from the guys. I need time away from Jamie. So I’m determined to go through with this. Jay is probably gonna hit me, but that’s fine. If it’ll help me get over Jamie, I’ll take it.
I pull into her driveway and block Jays car in. Good, that way he can’t storm out and leave before me. He’ll probably storm out for a smoke, but he won’t be going anywhere without his car.
The garage door is shut, so I go in the front door to the house. It’s open, as expected.
I hear the TV playing in the living room, and I hear Joel laughing about something. I take a deep breath, and walk in. The conversation stops.
“Hey, so, did you go out with Amanda last night?” Jay asks as soon as he sees me.
Jamie isn’t looking at me, she’s sitting on the sofa staring ahead at the TV. Okay, that's fine. This will be easier if she doesn’t look at me.
“Yeah, but listen. We need to talk.”
Jamie's head snaps around to look at me. She looks worried. She probably thinks I’m about to tell Jay everything, but I’m not. She’s sitting next to Joel on the sofa, and Jay is sitting on the sofa opposite them. I’d rather not sit down next to Jay, so I sit on the single seater between the two sofas.
“Okay, are you breaking up with us?” Jay says, the amusement evident in his voice.
No, but you’re gonna think I am.
“No. I got a job.”
“You got a job?” Joel asks, clearly surprised. I nod at him.
“Doing what?” Jay asks, “We can’t work at the Grill until we’re 21. What else would you do?”
“I'm gonna teach drum at the youth centre.” I tell him, “A few nights a week.”
“Why?” Jay asks, completely confused. “If money's a problem all of a sudden, you know I can help you.”
I knew he wouldn’t be okay with this. And it's only gonna get worse.
“Its unpaid, actually. So technically it’s volunteer work. I think it’ll be good though, not enough kids are interested in drumming, it’s all about guitar, and it’ll look good –"
Jay cuts me off. “On what? Your résumé? We're in a band, and we're gonna get signed. You don’t need a résumé. Why would you suddenly wanna do volunteer work?”
“For the reasons I just said...” I say, not breaking eye contact with him. I wasn’t expecting him to react so negatively to this part. So, I’m afraid of what’s gonna come next. “But, it means I’m not gonna have so much free time. And Thursdays are one of the busiest nights at the youth centre.”
“Woah, woah, woah.” Jay holds his hands up, silencing me. “Are you telling us you’re gonna be teaching kids how to twirl drumsticks through their fingers instead of playing at the Grill Open Mic Nights?”
He doesn’t look happy. But, I knew this was gonna happen. I nod, and he explodes.
“What the fuck!? Are you fucking kidding me!? This is everything we’ve been working for since we were fucking 14 years old! Why the hell would you wanna stop playing at the Grill so that you can teach other kids how to do it!? How the hell are we supposed to get scouted if we stop playing!?”
“Dude, calm down, you’re jumping to conclusions.” Joel tries to reason with him.
“Am I?” Jay turns on Joel. “Last I checked, we need a fucking drummer. We can’t play Open Mic Nights without the fucking drummer, and he is the fucking drummer! I can put two and two together and come up with four, Joel, can’t you?!"
“Yes, Jay. But would you relax? Patrick hasn’t said he wants to give up on the Grill for good. It’s probably just a temporary thing, right, Patrick?” Joel looks at me, his eyes pleading with me. He knows exactly why I’m doing this.
“Yeah, it is. It’s just until the end of this semester.” I explain.
“The entire semester? So you’re gonna be out of fucking action until the end of April!?” Jay shouts at me, nodding his head repeatedly.
“Yes. It’s not the end of the world, Jay. We’ve always said we don’t wanna get signed for at least another couple of years anyway. This is only for a few months.” I’m trying not to lose my patience with him. I knew this is how he would react to this news. And I’m trying not to look at Jamie, who hasn’t said a word since I got here.
“Sure, it’s a few months now. But what happens after April when you decide you wanna become a fucking teacher like Shaun fucking Campbell, huh? We all promised we would never do this. You’re bailing on us!”
“Jay, he isn’t –“ Joel starts, but Jay shouts over the top of him.
“Did you know about this!?” He accuses Joel.
“No, I didn’t, but I think you’re overreacting.” Joel reasons.
“I’m fucking not! He’s been acting weird all week, and you fucking know it!” Jay shouts at Joel. Oh, so they've been talking about me. “You missed the little tantrum he had with his drum kit downstairs earlier this week. I’ve known something was up with you since then, I’m not a fucking idiot, Patrick!” He turns on me again.
“There's nothing up with me, I just wanna do something different for a bit.”
As soon as the words leave my mouth, I know I’ve said the wrong thing.
“I knew it!” He shouts, throwing his hands up in front of him. “You are bailing on us!”
“Jay, I’m not. That came out wrong. Listen to me, this isn’t a big deal. I won’t be around so much, and I won’t play at the Grill. But you guys can play acoustic sets without me. And you can write without me too if you want to. Nothings gonna change that much.”
“Yeah, nothings gonna change, except our songs won’t have any fucking percussion.” He rubs his face with both his hands.
I look over at Joel. He’s frowning and looking down. I don’t look directly at Jamie, but she hasn’t moved a muscle since I came in. I have no idea what she’s thinking, you know, for a change.
“Jay, come on. We spend almost every day together, and you know I love that. This is just a few months of me not being around so much. That’s all. Everything will go back to normal in the summer, I promise.”
“Whatever.” He growls, getting to his feet. “I'm going for a smoke.”
He pulls his cigarettes out of his pocket violently, shoves one behind his ear and tosses the pack down on to the coffee table. I sigh, this is going exactly how I thought it would. I just hope he’ll cool off after a day or two.
“And why the hell haven’t you said anything?” He’s scowling at Jamie now.
“What is there for me to say? If this is what he wants to do, fine.” She sounds so unphased. Maybe she’s glad I won’t be around.
“What the fuck, Jamie?” Jay throws his hands up again. “Why am I the only one who’s bothered by this? We're a fucking family. If one of us leaves, we're broken.”
“That's a bad analogy, Jay.” Joel says quietly, his gaze fixed firmly on the coffee table.
Jay is the only one of the four of us who hasn’t lost a parent. I lost my dad young, and Jamie has had time to get used to life without her mom. But for Joel, it’s only been a few years. And he didn’t just lose one parent like Jamie and me, he lost both. Jay's never been through anything like that. He needs to be more sensitive sometimes.
“You guys know what I meant!” He runs a hand through his hair, stressed. “We're not done talking about this.”
He stalks out of the living room, and as soon as we hear the patio doors slam closed, Joel turns on me.
“Look, I know this is awkward to say in front of you both, but are you just doing this to avoid spending time with Jamie?” The worry in his eyes is so obvious. He thinks this is the end of the band, just like Jay. He’s just a lot better at controlling his emotions than Jay is.
“That is part of it. But I do think it’ll be good. I love drumming, if I can get anyone else to fall in love with it too, then job done. It’s a good thing, Joel. I’m not ditching you guys, I just want some time on my own.” I say quietly, careful not to look at Jamie.
“Patrick, you don’t need to volunteer at the youth club on Thursday nights. Can’t you do it some other night and keep playing at the Grill?” Joel pleads with me.
“No, the guy I talked to today said Thursday's are the best night for it.” This isn’t a lie, but obviously I don’t need to work there on Thursdays. I just wanna avoid Open Mic Nights for a while.
“Well can’t you duck out for fifteen minutes to play our set?” Joel asks.
I shake my head. “We never know where we are on the Open Mic line up until we get there, I couldn’t commit to that.”
“Fuck sake, Patrick. You don’t need to do this. We can cool off with rehearsals or whatever. You saw how mad he was just now! This is exactly what we’ve been trying to avoid all these years!” Joel is desperate, but he’s also wrong, I do need to do this.
“I'm doing this, Joel. I’m sorry, but it’s only for a few months, it’ll be fine. I swear, he’ll be okay...” I’m looking at Joel as I talk, but the sound of Jamie’s voice cuts me off.
“Well, as long as Jay will be okay, I guess that’s all that matters.” She straightens up a little on the sofa, turning her body to look at me properly for the first time. “And if this is what you need to do, do it. Start now.” Her eyes are piercing daggers into mine.
“Get out.”
“What?” I wasn’t expecting this. Although, I did piss her off yesterday. I thought she’d be over that now, after her night with Noah.
“You heard me. Leave. Before Jay gets back in here. He’s mad at you, and if you’re so concerned with his feelings, do him a favour and save him the chore of having to look at you for a second longer.”
I frown, partly because I don’t like hearing her talk this way, and partly because I know she’s right. “Jamie, I’m sorry. Just try to see it from my perspective.”
“Oh, I have. Now get out of here. Go tell Amanda how much free time you’re gonna have now that you’re not gonna be coming around here.” She turns her attention back towards the TV.
Joel looks frantically between the two of us, at a loss for words. I’m not really sure what to say either.
“Bye now.” She says, not looking back at me.
So, I stand up and leave.
When I get out the front door, I notice it’s started raining. Perfect, that fits in well with the mood of this night. I walk over to my car, but I turn around when I hear the front door open. Jay's came out to shout at me some more, great.
But it’s not Jay, it’s Jamie. And she looks furious.
“How could you fucking do this to Jay, huh!?” She asks me. “As far as he knows, you’re just fed up of us or something and you want some time to yourself. This is bullshit, this could fucking break us for good!”
“So what do you want me to do? Walk back in there and tell him I’ve changed my mind?” I ask her evenly. “Because I’m not gonna do that. I need time away from all of this.” I gesture my hands at her house.
“But that doesn’t make any sense!” She shouts at me. “Not to Jay, at least! We never spend time away from each other, not since we started this fucking thing. Can you blame him for freaking out and thinking you’re planning on quitting the band?!”
Her hairs getting wet, but I guess she doesn’t care. Her eyes are wild, glaring up into mine. It’s mad to think that less than two days ago she was telling me she’d just had the best sex of her life with me. And now, here we are. It takes all my willpower to stop myself from picking her up and sheltering her from the rain in my arms. But I can’t do that. She loves Noah, not me. I need to let her go.
“Yeah, and maybe that’s part of the problem. How am I supposed to move on when I see you almost every day? We’ve barely gone a few days without talking or seeing each other since we met. Maybe we need this.” I explain.
“Maybe we need this?” She shouts at me. “Fuck you, Patrick! I don’t want this, I don’t need this, you do! This is on you, not me!”
And that right there, is the problem. She doesn’t feel the same way I do, so spending time with me now won’t bother her. This is exactly why I need to get away from her.
“Jamie, I need to get over you. And I don’t fucking think I can do that when I’m around you all the time. Try to understand this!” I’m shouting at her too now. I didn’t mean to, but this is fucking exasperating.
“Oh, it’s fine. I understand. How can you carry on dating Amanda if you still feel hung up on me, right?” She’s not shouting now. Her hair is soaked, so are her clothes. And she looks... sad?
“Jamie, this isn’t about Amanda.” I don’t know why she thinks it is. She knows how I feel about her. It has fucking nothing to do with Amanda.
“Fine!” She says, throwing her hands up dramatically. “Enjoy your time alone, or your time with Amanda. Whatever it is you think you need!”
And with that, she turns around and walks back into the house. She slams the door behind her, officially closing the door on me.