Jamie
This party fucking sucks. Well, it doesn't really suck. I just don't wanna be here. And the more I drink the more I think I should really leave. I don't wanna risk saying something that I'll probably regret later. But instead of leaving, I decide to stop drinking. I have had enough alcohol. So I switch to water.
"You're drinking water now?" Madison asks me in disgust when she notices. "That is, like, so lame."
"Yeah, well, so are you." I wink at her, so that she thinks I'm joking, then I move along.
"Jamie, we're thinking of heading over to the Grill - you in?" Zach asks me as I approach him and Kim.
"Um, I don't know." I answer. I wasn't expecting an actual night out tonight. But this may work to my advantage - if they all go out, I'll just go home.
"Come on, it'll be fun." Kim smiles at me encouragingly.
"We don't need to go, we can stay here if you want?" Noah is beside me now. And I know what he's getting at. If everyone else leaves, we can stay behind and talk. And I guess we should.
So I agree. "Sure."
Kim narrows her eyes at me, and Zach raises his eyebrows at Noah. Clearly, they're unsure about this. But Noah and I need to talk. So this is a good thing. Maybe the knot in my stomach will loosen off a little after I finally say what I need to say to him.
"Everyone ready?" Will calls out to the group while carelessly tossing his empty cup into the sink. Nice.
"Jamie and I are gonna stay here and clean up your mess." Noah tells him, pulling the discarded cup out of the sink and tossing it into the trash. Will just laughs at this and shrugs his shoulders like my bad.
"Are you sure, Jamie?" Aubrey looks a little concerned, so I smile and nod at her.
"Yeah, you guys go out, have fun, okay?" I continue smiling. I need to keep up this happy façade or Aubrey might try to stay behind with me.
She looks dubious, but she agrees to go out with the others. So her, John, Kim, Zach, Madison and Will head out to the Grill, leaving Noah and I behind to clean up.
As soon as they're out the front door, I begin picking up cups and empty beer bottles, but Noah stops me almost instantly.
"That can wait, it's hardly a huge mess." I look around. He's right, there are only a few cups and bottles laying around, some half eaten bags of chips and a couple of opened dip jars. It'll only take minutes to clean this place up.
"So, can you tell me what's bugging you so much tonight?" He asks me, sitting down on the sofa. I sit down next to him and face him, we need to do this properly.
"Yes, but I think you already know." I take a deep breath as he reaches out and takes both of my hands into his. He's trying to comfort me, but I can't let him do this. "Noah, don't."
"You're breaking up with me, right?" His eyes aren't meeting mine, and he's let go of my hands. He looks so bummed, and I feel awful.
"Well, not exactly, we aren't a couple..." I remind him. "And we're not gonna be a couple, because... I've realised I don't feel how I need to feel. So, I don't wanna keep putting you through this -"
He cuts me off, grabbing my hands again. I look down at our hands resting in my lap, then back up at his eyes. He's looking at me now, and his eyes look desperate.
"I know I've made a lot of mistakes. I've fucked up big time, more than once, but we can get past it. I know we can. We just need to try. Why don't you wanna try anymore?"
I can't break eye contact with him, I owe him this at least, but I really wanna look away. I can feel the tears coming, but I can't let myself cry. I don't get to cry right now. Noah doesn't deserve that. He shouldn't have to feel pity towards me. This is my issue, not his. Okay, he hasn't exactly been an angel. But this 'break-up' is on me.
"I can't try and work things out with you now because I don't feel the right way about you, and I know that now because... because..." I take a deep breath, and he's frowning slightly, waiting for me to finish.
"I have feelings for someone else."
His frown deepens and he lets go of my hands again. He sits back on the sofa and runs both of his hands through his hair quickly while ducking his head forward. When he looks up at me, I have no idea how he's feeling. His eyes look completely devoid of emotion right now.
So, I go on.
"I didn't expect this to happen, and I wasn't sure about it until, like, last night. But I had to be honest with you about this. It wouldn't be fair on you to use any other kind of excuse. This is the reason. Because, you know I'm crazy about you. If I didn't have feelings for someone else, then I probably would -"
"Don't finish that sentence." He says quickly, glaring down at his feet.
I give him a minute to think about what he wants to say, or what he wants to do. If he wants me to leave, I'm gone. If he wants me to explain this more, I will.
"Have you been... seeing this other guy?" He manages to say, his voice dangerously low.
Yeah, only almost every day for almost six years. But that's not what he means, of course.
"No, I haven't. But..."
"It's the guy you hooked up with?" He's still looking at his feet, not at me.
"Yes, it is." I have to be honest with him.
"So, when did you sleep with him? New Year's Eve?" He turns his head to look at me. I still can't quite make out how he's feeling, I just know he's not happy.
"The day after." I reply. Well, technically, it was the Second. But he doesn't need to know that.
"That was Monday. This is Saturday." He shakes his head. Yeah, I think he's angry now. "How the hell could you practically fall in love with some guy you slept with in just a few days?!"
His eyes are wide, and he's waiting for an answer. I can't answer this properly without admitting that it's Patrick. I haven't fallen in love with him in the space of a few days, this has been happening in my subconscious for years. It's only just hit me (like a bulldozer) this week, and it's still confusing the shit out of me. How can I satisfy Noah's curiousity about this when I barely even know how to explain it to myself!?
I try to answer him as honestly as I can, without revealing too much. He doesn't need to know that I've practically screwed up my chances with this guy anyway, because he's out with Amanda tonight and he wants to get over me. But whatever. Noah deserves honesty about why I don't wanna be with him anymore, so that's what he'll get.
"It doesn't matter how it happened, Noah, just that it has happened. I can't keep seeing you knowing that I can feel this way about someone else." I look up at the ceiling, composing myself. He doesn't speak, he waits for me to go on. "There was a time when I thought I could have loved you. But I didn't. Because now I know what love actually feels like. And it sucks. Trust me, it fucking sucks. I wish I didn't feel this way, but it's beyond my control. I wish I could go back to this time last week, and just..."
My words catch in my throat as the tears I've been supressing finally emerge. I try to fight it, but I can't, and within seconds I'm sobbing. It's really just hit me, you know? I've loved Patrick for years, I just didn't realise how much. I don't just love him, I'm in love with him. And it's terrifying. It's the most consuming, life changing feeling I have ever felt. And now that I'm saying the words out loud, I'm realising just how much this is consuming me. And on top of that, I feel awful for what I'm doing to Noah. He's so mad, and I'm such a mess, and...
"Hey, come on, don't cry." His voice is much softer now, and I feel him wrap an arm around my shoulders, pulling me over to him on the sofa. I would resist this contact if I could, but I don't have the energy.
He's holding me and ssh-ing me as I lean into his chest and sob into the sleeves of my hoodie. I wanna tell him to stop being so kind to me, I don't deserve it, but I just can't. All I can seem to do is cry. Seems like I've been doing a lot of that lately. Why the fuck am I such an emotional wreck?
After what feels like an hour, but is probably only minutes, I manage to get my sobbing under control a little. And I've caught the hiccups now too, great.
"Are you okay?" He asks.
I nod. Then I hiccup.
"Let me get you some more water." He lets go of me and stands up to cross the room over to the kitchen area. He pours me a glass of water as I sit here hiccupping like a loser. When he returns, I take the glass and begin trying to drink the water at an upside down angle.
"What the hell are you doing?" He asks me, smiling. Well, at least my stupidity made him smile.
"You're supposed to try to drink upsides down when you have the hiccups." I explain, my voice still croaky.
"That's stupid. Just drink it." He sits down next to me and rubs his forehead. I sip the water, trying really hard to supress my hiccups now. He seems mad again.
"I'm surprised by this, I gotta say." He sits back on the sofa and looks up at the ceiling. "But I guess I can't exactly blame you for opening yourself up to someone else. I've hardly given you a fairy-tale romance, have I?" I don't respond, and he takes a deep breath. "But I really do like you, Jamie. So much more than any other girl I've ever known. I don't wanna lose you."
He exhales slowly, and I feel like I'm gonna cry again. I sip my water, hoping that that won't happen.
"But I can see that this is a lost cause for me. I've never even heard you mention 'love' before, besides when you talk about your mom. But here you are, crying your heart out over some other guy."
"I'm so sorry, Noah." I put the glass of water down on to the coffee table. "I didn't expect this to happen, believe me."
"I don't know what to do now." He says, looking up at me again. "I can't be your friend. No way. Not after everything."
I blink back fresh tears and look out the window. This is what I was most afraid of. Our friends are all dating each other, it's gonna be impossible for us to avoid one another going forward. So he has a very good point, I don't know what to do about it either. There was only one thing I already thought of in that respect.
"You're friends with Sarah. And you slept with her before." I say, wondering if he'll be startled to learn that I know about him and Sarah. He isn't. At all. Clearly he thinks I already knew. Well, whatever. That's not important anymore, anyway.
"That's different. Sarah and I were already friends, and we just wanted to lose our virginities. We didn't have this, chemistry, or whatever." He gestures a hand between the two of us, and I feel a small jolt of guilt run up my spine. I do have chemistry with Noah, I can't deny that. But it is absolutely nothing compared to the chemistry I have with Patrick.
And this gives me an idea.
I touch his hand, threading my fingers in between his. I look up, and he's looking down at our hands. It's a simple action and I can safely say it doesn't stir up many feelings in the pit of my stomach. I'm just hoping that the same applies to Noah.
"Do you feel anything when I do this?" I ask him.
He shakes his head slightly. "It's hand-holding, Jamie. It's not a big deal."
"Okay," I touch his cheek gently with my other hand, maintaining eye contact with him all the while. "What about when I do this?"
He considers it. "Not really, but, those aren't exactly the most exciting ways you could be touching me, you know."
I realise this is having the desired effect. I'm right about this. I know I am. So I continue.
I lean forward slowly, close my eyes and kiss him lightly on the lips. When I pull back, his eyes are still open and he looks surprised.
"How was that?" I ask him.
"I don't... I don't understand? What are you doing?" His confusion outshines any other emotion he may be feeling right now. And I know why. Because all he feels is confused.
This isn't like when Patrick and I touch this way. When Patricks hand comes to rest on my cheek, I can almost feel my skin ignite from his touch. When he threads his fingers through mine and holds my hand, I can almost feel my heart melting in my chest. And when he kisses me, slowly, lightly, with absolutely no promise of anything other than an innocent, quick, kiss - I can feel the butterflies speeding up in my stomach to triple speed, and I feel myself instantly wanting more.
But with Noah, it takes more. Much more. We need to kiss properly, with tongues, before things start to heat up. We need to touch each other in ways that aren't fit for public viewing. And the reason? It's simple. It's lust. Just like with Shaun Campbell, and every other guy I've ever been with. I haven't loved any of them before, until now. Until Patrick.
The difference between Noah and the other guys? Noah gets me. We have things in common and our personalities match. So because of this, and our undeniable sexual compatibility, Noah and I convinced ourselves that we were meant to be together. Well, no actually, that's not entirely correct. I was convinced that Noah and I were meant to be together. He's taken his time arriving at that conclusion. Which gives me hope that he won't find it too difficult to get over me.
"I'm trying to show you that we aren't each other's bulldozers." I tell him.
"What are you talking about?" He looks bemused.
"Kim's bulldozer theory? Zach must have told you about that?" I go on.
"Oh yeah, how she thinks Zach knocked her over with love or some shit." He rolls his eyes.
"Exactly. We don't have that." I gesture my hand between us, and he raises an eyebrow at me. "But it is real. I know, because I've felt it now."
He raises his other eyebrow in interest. I know he doesn't believe in Kim's bulldozer theory, but I also know that he believes me when I say that it's happened to me now too.
"I didn't blow you away like that when we first met, did I?" I ask him.
"Well, not exactly. But I thought you were hot, and I was totally attracted to you. You know that." He says dismissively.
"Exactly. Have I ever made your heart pound when my name has flashed up on your phone after you haven't heard from me in a while?" I ask him. "Have I ever made you wanna lock yourself away in your bathroom and avoid all of your friends so that you can try to process the absolute head fuck that I'm putting you through?"
He's looking at me like I'm crazy, and I realise I'm getting a little carried away, but I don't care. This is like some kinda therapy. And if it helps Noah understand why I need to let him down, then good. I sit up a little and continue.
"Have you ever wished that you and I were in a little world of our own? Like a bubble? Where no one else could come in and ruin it. And we could just hang out together all the time, and fall asleep together every night, and not have to worry about what anyone else thinks about it." I'm not looking at Noah anymore, I'm pulling out my phone and seeing that I have no new messages. I feel disappointed. But why would he message me? He's with Amanda.
"Have you ever wished that you could just go back to the first moment you met me and change everything? So that all of those memories weren't clouded over by friendship... And things might be different now." I sigh while obsessively checking my phone again, but what's the point? He's not gonna text me.
"Have you ever wished you could have just remained ignorant to all of this, and things might still be the way they've always been?" My voice is small now, much smaller than it was. And I wanna cry again. Jesus Christ, surely I have no tears left to cry by this point.
"Jamie..." I barely register Noah speaking my name. I'm in a daze. But I look up at him. He's frowning.
"Do you, I mean - Are you... in love... with Jay?" He almost sounds afraid to ask me the question.
I guess I haven't really been talking in the vaguest of terms. But Jay? That's ridiculous. I can't help laughing. Me and Jay? In love? Get a fucking grip. Noah actually thinks there's a possibility that I slept with Jay this week!? I can't believe that, it's hilarious, it's ludicrous, and it's just beyond comprehension! It's as ridiculous as if I were in love with Joel. Or Patrick.
So yeah, I can see why Noah would think this. God.
"No, Noah. I am not in love with Jay." I shake my head and stop laughing.
"You just said something about friendship though? I don't understand. You and Jay are so close, I just assumed..." He doesn't look entirely convinced.
"Trust me, I am not in love with Jay. And even if I were, he's with Erin now. He's head over heels for her." I tell him.
"Okay." He still sounds dubious. "So are you gonna tell me who it is?"
I don't want to. I really don't want to. But I owe it to him, so I guess I should.
"I'd rather not, things aren't exactly good with him. I'm pretty sure we're never gonna be together, actually. But if you really wanna know, I will tell you."
His eyes light up a little, and I know what he's thinking, so I add: "That doesn't mean that you and me can continue things, though. It wouldn't be right."
He gives me a small smile and nods a couple of times. "I get it."
He gets it? Really?
"I never wanted to feel this way about you, or any other girl. You know that. But I met you, and stuff happened. And now, here we are." He runs a hand through his hair. "I asked you to be my girlfriend because I felt like I was backed into a corner; it was either 'commit to you properly' or 'lose you', and I didn't wanna lose you. I don't wanna lose you."
"You don't have to lose me, we can be friends." I'm encouraged by his words.
"Yeah, I just don't know about that." He looks away from me again. "Not right now, at least."
I nod. "That's fair. But, I hope we can be friends in time."
He doesn't respond, he just ruffles up his hair again, this time with both hands.
"You mean a lot to me, Noah. You know that." I whisper, before gently taking one of his hands into both of mine. He looks down at our hands, and he doesn't pull away.
"You are gonna meet someone. Later, just like you wanted." I assure him.
He smiles and nods his head, then his eyes meet mine.
"I'm never gonna meet anyone like you, though." His voice is so small, and I feel my throat tightening. But I need to be strong.
"No, you're gonna meet someone better." I kiss him on the cheek before letting go of his hand and getting to my feet.
He doesn't look over at me when I reach the front door and open it. I say 'bye' and he just nods his head at the floor slowly a couple times. Then I leave his dorm, feeling like absolute fucking shit.