Jamie
The next morning, and I’m adding the finishing touches to my make-up. I’ve already taken Benji for a walk, showered and had my breakfast. The only reason I’m even putting on make-up is because I look like hell. I have bags under my eyes and I look like I’ve been crying for days. A little foundation and mascara fixes my face, and I even apply some lipstick since I look like all the colour has been drained from my features. I don’t feel great, considering everything that’s gone on over the past week, but I can pretend I’m okay in front of my classmates. And with that, it’s time to head to college.
I am nervous. I can’t pretend I’m not. I’m worried that I’ll bump into Noah today, although I know we don’t have any classes together this semester. I still have Guitar with John, but that’s fine. I like John, and something tells me Noah won’t have told him about anything. I’m worried about seeing Patrick too. And Joel. After I left their apartment last night I came straight home and went to bed. I haven’t heard from either of them since, but it’s only been like 8 hours. I can do this.
I pet Benji goodbye and open the front door, and I instantly relax when I see my best friend leaning against his car smoking a cigarette. Jay. The most impartial person in all of my drama right now. Mainly because he doesn’t know about any of it... Well, besides the limited things I’ve told him about my Noah situation. If he knew about my Patrick situation, Jesus. I’m just gonna ignore that for now.
“What are you doing here?” I ask him with a genuine smile. I am really glad to see my best friend right now.
“Figured I’d come by and make sure Benji was fed and watered.” He exhales some smoke as he pushes off of his car and walks over to me. “I thought you might have spent the night at Noah’s last night. Clearly, you didn’t. How’d it go?”
Shit. This is fine. Just be honest. But vague. “He asked me to be his girlfriend, I told him I needed space, and I left.” Nailed it.
“Really?” He raises his eyebrows in disbelief and I sigh. His reaction alone tells me that no one ever expected Noah to take me seriously.
“Yes, Jay. Is it so hard to believe that he actually wants us to be a proper couple?”
“No, I knew he was gonna ask you out, Kim and Zach told us after you left the Grill. I’m surprised that you didn’t say yes. What gives?” He flicks his cigarette butt away and looks at me meaningfully, waiting for my answer.
“Oh.” Noah was telling the truth, Zach and Kim really did know he was gonna ask me out. Well, that’s something. “I don’t know what I want and it took me by surprise. That’s all.”
“Okay.” He looks around a little awkwardly. “You wanna talk about it?”
“No thanks, Jay.” I smile at him, he’s too cute. “I had a pretty good talk with Joel about it already. And I’m gonna FaceTime Erin later.”
His face lights up when I mention Erin. Obviously, he was waiting for me to mention her. I know he‘s gonna be careful about how much he talks about her now that they’re a couple. He doesn’t wanna go on and on about her all the time. But she’s always been a central topic of our conversations, I really don’t mind.
“I told her you were with Noah when I called her last night. She wanted me to let her know how it went, but I said she should wait until you talk to her yourself, you know? She’s your best girlfriend after all.” He rambles.
“She’s also your actual girlfriend.” I smile at him again and he laughs. “You guys can talk about me all you like. I give you consent to share information about me with Erin. That’s how couples are, I get it, it’s cool. So are you gonna give me a ride to school now or what?”
“Sure.” He unlocks his car and we both get in. “I only have two classes, so I’m gonna be done well before lunch time. Same with Patrick, so we’ll probably be here when you get home.”
This is an extremely normal comment for Jay to make. I cannot get weird. I need to react normally to this information.
“All righty, then!”
What the fuck?!
He laughs at my ridiculous word choice, and we decide to park near Symposium so we can grab a coffee before school. Jay’s idea. I’d prefer to keep a low profile today and not visit too many places where I might run into anyone I know, but I have no good excuse for refusing to go to Symposium. So, I go. And who do we see the second we walk in the door? Shaun Campbell, of course.
“Morning fellow North Bridgers.” Shaun beams at us as soon as he sees us. I wonder how Jay will interact with him now, after finding out about Shaun kissing me the other night.
“Hey, man.” Jay says flatly, before promptly walking past him and approaching the counter. I tilt my head at Shaun, like what’s up? and walk past him. I notice him rolling his eyes before he leaves the coffee shop. Awkward.
“You don’t need to be cold to him on my account, you guys are friends.” I say to Jay, feeling bad that I’ve soured his opinion on Shaun.
“He’s not my friend. Anyone that tries to fuck with you is not my friend.” Jay says, before the barista acknowledges him and he orders our coffees. I wonder how he’d feel about Patrick if he knew how much Patrick has fucked with me... But I shake off the thought. I cannot even compare Patrick’s behaviour to Shaun’s. Patrick has been nothing but nice to me over the years, and it’s not as though he was the one putting the moves on me... It was quite the other way around.
I manage to get through my first orientation class (First Year Algebra, ugh) without bumping into anyone else that I know, and when I get to my second class of the day (First Year Gym, double ugh, Friday’s are not gonna be my favourite day this semester) I’m pleasantly surprised to find that Kim is in this class too. We chat a bit as we get changed into our gym clothes, and I wonder why she hasn’t asked about Noah. I decide I need to be the one to address the elephant in the room. I mean, she knew he was planning on asking me out last night, so why hasn’t she asked me about it yet? I could be his girlfriend right now for all she knows.
“So, I heard you knew Noah was gonna ask me out last night?” I ask her as we walk out to the Track Field behind the rest of the class. I fucking hate running, and this field just reminds me of Noah now.
She smiles at me sheepishly. “Yeah, I didn’t wanna jump down your throat about it straight away. How did it go?” She doesn’t exactly sound excited about it. She knows he made out with some girl in the City though, so this is a little awkward. I’m not gonna mention the fact that he told me he hooked up though. How could I tell her about that without telling her I did the same thing?
“It wasn’t the best conversation I’ve ever had in my life. I told him I needed space.” I admit.
“Sure, you need some time to think.” She nods her head in agreement, looking down at the grass in front of us as we walk.
I don’t say anything, I wanna see what else Kim has to say on the subject.
“So... Where’s your head at right now?”
“I honestly don’t know, that’s why I said I needed space. I – um, I have some stuff I need to figure out.” That stuff being, my potential romantic feelings for Patrick.
It’s an issue I really need to address. I had my talk with Noah, told him what I did, and he asked me out. But I know I need to have a real talk with Patrick too now. When we’re gonna get the time alone to do that now that Jay and Joel are back and girlfriendless, I have no idea. But I know it needs to be done.
“That’s fair enough.” Kim says. “Just remember what I always say, though. If it’s meant to be, it’ll be. And it should be a bulldozer.” She gives me a small smile.
I recall Kim telling us about her bulldozer theory. She thinks that when you love someone it should knock you over and flatten you like a bulldozer. It doesn’t sound great, but I know what she means. If you don’t feel that way about someone right off, then what’s the point? It’s a theory against developmental love, I guess. Kim believes in soulmates and love at first sight, and that’s how she feels about Zach. She obviously doesn’t think that Noah and I had the bulldozer effect, but we did. Noah knocked me over from the moment I laid eyes on him. She knows this. But I wouldn’t call it love at first sight, more lust at first sight with feelings developing later.
How do I apply Kim’s theory to Patrick? I mean, Patrick most certainly did not come into my life and plough me over like a bulldozer. He’s my friend, he’s always been my friend. Up until a few days ago, I never thought of him as anything other than a friend. Sure, I’ve always thought he’s attractive. He’s beyond hot, but I never for a second thought about him like that. Until now. Is this the bulldozer effect? My sudden epiphany that Patrick isn’t just a friendly, pretty face to me. He could be something more? I mean sleeping with him alone has completely changed the way I view him. For the better. Just, I can’t think of him as a friend now. Not anymore. Not ever again. Not when I know what he’s capable of between the sheets...
I slave away through Gym class then go to lunch with Kim and Aubrey. Aubrey is much more eager to hear about my night with Noah, but she soon catches on that it’s not exactly at the top of my list of conversation points, so she doesn’t stay on the topic long. My final class of the day is Music Production, fairly uneventful, and afterwards I plug in my earphones and begin the short walk home.
It’s only just after 3pm, but it’s January and the sun is getting pretty low in the sky already. It’s been a beautiful day. If I was in a better mood, I would totally be appreciating how gorgeous the dying rays of the sun look right now. But that’s just it. I’m not in a good mood. Because I’m about to go home to find Jay and Patrick in my kitchen eating my food, or in my back yard playing with Benji, or in my garage jamming. It’s such a normal occurrence, my stomach should not be in knots right now. But I can’t help it.
When I open my front door I can hear muffled male voices coming from the direction of the kitchen. I take a deep breath. Here goes.
I enter the kitchen and see that the patio doors are open. Benji is wagging his tail happily, chasing a ball being thrown by Jay. Weird, Patrick’s usually the one to play with Benji. I wonder what he’s doing. As I approach the open patio doors, I see that he’s sitting on the garden bench. And he’s dressed different. What the hell? He looks so preppy.
That’s because it’s Joel, not Patrick.
“Hey, Jame. Good first day?” Joel beams at me. He’s letting me know that he’s acting normal in front of Jay, just like me and Patrick. But I wonder what went down in his apartment this morning. I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall for his conversation with Patrick about me. But I wasn’t. And it’s their business. But where the hell is Patrick?
“Yeah, it was okay...” I say slowly, looking around my back yard like an idiot. As if he might be hiding in one of the bushes.
“Patrick’s giving Pete a drum less tonight. He’s going to his moms for dinner.” Joel says, looking at me knowingly. Jay’s too busy playing with Benji, he won’t notice if I’m acting weird. Good.
“We should go to Lola’s for dinner too.” Jay calls over. “I haven’t seen those guys in a while, and my parents are off to Dubai now.”
“There’s a shock.” Joel says, rolling his eyes, and I laugh. “I’ll pass on dinner tonight, though. I don’t wanna listen to Pete attempt to play the drums. And I’m FaceTiming with Sarah later.”
Joel gives me a small smile and a nod, like you’re welcome. He thinks I wanna get out of potentially going over to Patrick’s mom’s place, and he’s right. Thanks, dude.
“Yeah, I thought I’d try to actually cook something over here for a change.” I call over to Jay.
“Cool, I’ll help.” Jay says, shrugging his shoulders. I love how down to earth he is. He doesn’t push anything, ever.
We hang around in my back yard playing with Benji for a while, before Joel announces he’s going home. I try to get him to stay for dinner, but he’s eager to get home to talk to Sarah. He is so in love with her, and I love seeing him this way.
Same goes for Jay and Erin. He talks about her quite a lot as we make pasta for dinner, and I honestly don’t mind. I just love seeing him so happy. It’s the first time he’s ever been like this, totally and openly in love, and I honestly couldn’t be happier for him.
But as we sit down in the kitchen to eat our pasta, I can’t ignore the weird feeling in the pit of my stomach that I’ve been trying to ignore all day. I know it’s gonna hit me as soon as Jay leaves. Maybe I should try to convince him to stay a little longer, he can FaceTime Erin here, I won’t get in the way. But I know he’ll end up on the phone with her for hours. I need to let him leave, and he does after we’ve done the dishes together and said our goodbyes. I close the front door behind Jay, turn around with my back against the door, and slump down to the ground. The weird feeling in my stomach? I miss Patrick.
I don’t like not having him around here. And I haven’t talked to him properly in a couple of days. I miss him. A lot.
I lay my head back against the door and close my eyes. My phone is in my pocket, and it’s been totally quiet today. My dad text me to ask how my first day back was, but other than that, Ive had no messages from anyone. Nothing from Noah since he's giving me space. Nothing in The Middle group chat since Patrick’s being quiet and Jay and Joel were just here.
I have to fight off the urge to take my phone out and call Patrick.
I just wanna talk to him. I wanna hear his voice. I wanna tell him that he doesn’t need to keep his distance from me. I want him to tell me that he wasn’t actually with his family tonight, he was sitting around the apartment missing me too. I imagine him sitting up against a door thinking about me, just like I'm thinking about him. And I realise this is the calmest I’ve felt in days.
Because I know what’s going on here. It’s slowly been creeping up on me, not like a bulldozer, more like a slow acting poison. But it’s there, and it’s gonna knock me flat and consume me no matter how long it takes to fully materialise.
I have feelings for Patrick.
Non-friendship feelings. Strong feelings. And I can’t ignore that. And it’s not because he told me he likes me, and it’s not because of what happened on New Year’s. It’s because, well, he’s Patrick.
He’s gorgeous, he’s funny, he’s sweet, he’s smart, he’s an incredibly talented drummer. There are little to no negatives. Sure he’s a slut, but he said that was only to try and get over his feelings about me. It’s kinda sweet in a way. And I can’t even let myself think about how he made me feel when he was kissing my neck, and taking my clothes off, and touching me...
Or can I? I’m alone. It happened. It’s my right to relive it over and over in my mind if I want to. I’ve been too scared to face the reality up until now, but I miss him. I miss his touch. I wanna remember how it felt. When he held me, when he slid his fingers underneath the waist band of my shorts, and my underwear...
Even a simple touch like when he pulled up my vest top and traced the outline of my tattoo. His touch was so gentle, yet it made my skin feel like it was on fire. I can’t ignore that. Has Noah ever made me feel like I’m on fire that way? With anger and rage, and through sex, yeah. But not with one simple, innocent touch.
I’m getting lost in my thoughts about Patrick. From the very recent, more intimate memories, to the old, seemingly innocent ones. He really has been right in front of my face all along, hasn’t he? And I’ve always been completely myself around him. No need for make up or pretty clothes. No pretending to laugh at his shit jokes or pretending to be anyone other than me. He knows the realest version of myself. And I love that. Am I having a bulldozer moment right now? And I’m not freaking out. I’m smiling. Jesus.
I jump up to my feet, filled with adrenaline. I don’t wanna lose this feeling, I need to roll with it. And while I am very aware that Noah is waiting for me to tell him whether or not I wanna be his girlfriend, I need to see Patrick. I owe him a talk too. I don’t know exactly what I'm gonna say to him, just like I didn’t really know how I was gonna be with Noah last night. That’s why I need to just roll with this. What will be will be. And I need to see him, like now.