After my last lesson, I wanted to meet up with Cody to drive home. Amelie and Luke had invited me to join them at dinner that night and I happily accepted. They were really nice. I actually couldn't believe my luck. As far as I could tell, they were genuine people and just tried to be themselves.
At my old school, I would have never hung out with guys like Amelie and Luke. I don't even know why. I mean I had my football boys and that was all I needed. And I thought I was happy with that. So I guess I just never really had a chance to get to know these people at my school. Ok that was a bullshit excuse.
It just wasn't an option for me. I was on top of the food chain and why ruin that? I didn't deserve people like Luke and Amelie to give me a second chance. I mean I did change, I know that much. But still, if I would tell them about everything, not even about "the incident" they would probably stop talking to me. I mean they barely even started talking to me so it wouldn't be too hard for them.
Just chill Blake. You promised yourself to not worry about bullshit like that. Not today at least.
I waited for Cody in front of our car and smoked a cigarette.
Yes, I finally found my lighter. It was in one of my pockets the whole fucking time. I hate myself sometimes. I misplaced shit all the time. One day I will literally lose my head, no doubt. Don't even ask how many times I've lost the keys to our car.
I am saying our car, because our parents got it for the both of us. Cody waited a little to get his license and so we nearly got them at the same time. And because we both really wanted a car, but our parents couldn't afford two, we made a deal to share one.
Right now its not that bad, but when Cody graduates and moves away, somebody has to take it. And that will most likely be Cody. Its his last year of High school so.. fuck.
And as a now single parent, my mom would definitely not be able to buy me my own car. But it was ok. She did the best she could and I didn't need a car that bad. Maybe I should look for a job and save some money. It was time to take some responsibility. Although my brother wouldn't let that happen. Not even with moms approval.
Some Parents and also Teenagers passing by gave me judging looks, for smoking I guess. Jesus can't a boy be depressed in peace? No, I mean I wasn't depressed, I was going to be fine. Everything is fine now.
I took a deep breath and felt the smoke burn in my lungs. Breath out and feel the nicotine hit. I am fine.
The front door of the school swung open. Cody appeared with two other guys by his side. One of them, with blond long hair, apparently just told a joke, because Codys laugh echoed through the parking lot. One other guy, with short strawberry curly hair, just rolled his eyes. He didn't like the joke, but the blond guy teasingly jumped on his back. They seemed like they knew each other forever.
Suddenly, another dark figure appeared beside them. It was the guy from before. Oh no. What was he doing here? With them? With my brother? He also looked annoyed by the joke. He rolled his green eyes to the back of his head with his hands in the pockets of his Jacket. At least he hadn't noticed me yet. But Cody spotted me and gave the three guys a pat on the back and said goodbye. First the blonde dude, his friend and finally the mysterious guy. Their exchange lasted longer then the others.
Was he friends with that guy? Really?
He walked down the street to our car. The guys didn't pay attention to him anymore. Just the mysterious guy glanced over to us. What the fuck was his problem? Just mind your own damn business.
"Hey. You wanna go home?" Cody asked cheerful and it annoyed me a little.
I nodded and got into the car. This time he would let me drive. That was only fair.
As we pulled out of the schools parking lot ,we passed Amelie and Luke, who were on their way home looked at us. They immediately recognized me and waved.
"You made some friends?" Cody asked sounding hopeful.
"I guess. They are actually really nice. I will go grab some dinner at the girls house this evening with both of them" I shrugged in response casually, but Cody, of course, had to frown at that. God why did he always have to worry? "Its going to be fine they are really nice" I tried to calm him a little.
"Blake are you sure-" my brother tried, but I just about had it with him right fucking now. I knew that he was just trying to look out for me, but it made me feel guilty...really fucking guilty. Its like my own decisions always reflected on him and now he had to protect me in order to kind of protect himself and his emotions. It was just exhausting at this point, you know?
"Yes for gods sake. You don't have to be this overprotective! I can make my own decisions." I really didn't want to snap at him like that, but I just had enough. And at some point he just had to start trusting me again. And that concerned look on his face won't help me feel normal again.
Cody nodded and looked out of the window. Fuck. I really didn't want to ruin his mood. I nervously bit my bottom lip. Why did I have to snap at him like that when he was just trying to look out for me? And especially when we were stuck in one car right now. Together. And alone. Well this was awkward.
"So I saw that you found some friends as well" I tried to change the subject.
"I guess, yeah. They also play football so thats going to be nice. I mean, to already know some people on the team. Nick and Jaxson are idiots tho. They are fun, but idiots, as far as I can tell" Cody chuckled.
Which one was Nick and which one was Jaxson? Was one of them the mysterious guy I kept bumping into? 'Which name would fit him better', I thought to myself. Maybe Jaxson? But then again Nick would suit him better. Actually, neither.
"Oh God! Right when we left, Nick told that really awful joke. I mean I kind of had to laugh but it was reeaallyy bad. Even his best friend, you know Jaxson, thought so"
So no mysterious guy then. Maybe Cody wasn't really friends with him he just.. happened to be there at that moment. Maybe he was just passing by and Cody decided to be nice and say bye to a stranger? Ok even I didn't believe that. "But Romeo is really nice" Cody said and I froze.
"Who?"
"Yeah his parents are apparently literature freaks. Poor guy has to take quiet some shit for his name. He acts all tough but he's actually really cool" Cody chuckled.
Romeo
He definitely didn't look like a Romeo.
I probably don't even look like myself. My own words. But Romeo is just so... cute. The name I mean! Woah hold up Blake! You take that back this instant! You don't say that a boys name is cute! But... it really is no homo. Who am I even defending myself from? Myself?
The rest of the drive was silent. I was deep in my thoughts even when I could feel Codys eyes on me, probably trying to figure out if I was actually ok. I avoided his gaze because if our eyes would meet he would just ask me if I was ok. And honestly I wouldn't know what to say to that.
Romeo
-
Mom was still at work, apparently. I ran up to my room and threw myself on my bed. I survived. And it wasn't too bad. Besides nearly getting run over by a car of course. It could have been worse. I didn't even have a panic attack. Still it was all pretty nerve wrecking.
I took out my phone and quickly texted my mom I wouldn't be home for dinner because I was invited to my new friends. She will probably react just like Cody. Suddenly I was the baby of the family again. They didn't have to protect me all the time. Its been 4 months since the Incident. At some point they had to start trusting me and letting me live my life for gods sake.
I appreciated everything she and my brother did for me, honestly. I mean, how could I not? They were great.
I scrolled through my chats. I saw some old friends, some relatives, some girls. Nearly none of the people here were still in contact with me. The only chats that were active were my mom, Cody and now Amelie and Luke that immediately had put me in the "Hello bitches" group chat. I had to smile. I was actually looking forward to the dinner.
I was never at a dinner with friends. Honestly. When the boys and I met up it was either to party or the secretly get drunk. No in-between.
My finger twitched when I reached my Dads contact while scrolling through my messages. His profile picture showed a smiling man with no problems whatsoever.
It just hurt. I could feel my heart beating faster and the anger rising. Why was he such a fuck up of a dad? No one deserves a father like him! Cody certainly doesn't. And mom is way better off without him. I could feel a tear running down my burning hot cheek.
I hated him so fucking much.
Something to throw, something to throw, something to fucking throw!
I tried to clean myself from the tears with the back of my hand but they just wouldn't stop coming. I wouldn't allow myself to cry. Not now. Not after today went so great. I hated crying. But I hated him more. I threw my phone across the room. Just out of my sight as fast as possible. It didn't matter if it would break. Nothing matters anymore.
I needed to just let it out. Once. In absolute silence. Not the crying but the anger. So I decided to punch one of my cushions. I frowned in anger, punching my pillow as fast and hard as I could. Him. In my mind I was punching him not the pillow. Just letting out all of my anger. It wouldn't go away but maybe I would feel better for just one moment. Just one fucking moment not feeling like an absolute piece of shit.
My biceps started to hurt as I punched harder and faster. But I couldn't stop. I had to finish him. I just imagined his face soaked in blood. Saying he's sorry. But I kept punching until even my knuckles started to burn. Finally I threw the cushion away.
I panted heavily. Starring at the pillow laying in the corner of my room. At least I didn't break anything.
I closed my eyes, laid back on the bed again and tried to breathe steadily. I had to pull it together. If I showed any kind of weakness, Cody would never let me go to my friends in the evening all by myself.
So I calmed down. It was easy at this point. I've been doing the exact same thing everyday for the past 3 months now. I dealt with it myself, since I thought after moving away and everything that had happened, my family deserved a break. A break from me and my stress. So I taught myself how to do deal with the panic, the anxiety in peace and so far it worked pretty well.
I know bottling your feelings up and not talking to anybody about it wasn't a good coping mechanism and I wasn't going to get better from it, but right now, all I wanted was to keep my family happy. That was my duty.
I got up and looked into the mirror. My eyes were reddened from the crying. I took off my shirt and looked at my body. The body I hated so much. The body I want to break out of. I looked eye contact with myself.
"You are fucking stronger than this Blake. This was the last time. No more breakdowns, not even in private. Don't be weak. Make mom and Cody proud."
I nodded and did my breathing exercises. Seven seconds in, hold it for four, out for eight.
I am fine.
-
"And you will call me if anything happens, ok?"
"Jesus Cody its fine. Its just Amelie and Luke. Her parents are at home for Christs sake. But yes I will call if I don't feel well. Please don't ruin your evening by just thinking about if I'm ok"
"I'm just worried about you"
"You sound like mom right now" I grinned. A small smile appeared on Codys lips. He pulled me into a hug and patted my back. I heard him exhale deeply. He really did love me. When I released myself from his grip I gave him a small nod. I would never tell him but he is the best big brother anybody could wish for.
I got into the car and drove there by myself.
Although it was just a 10 minute car ride I still needed music, so I blasted my favorite Spotify playlist. Indie was my guilty pleasure. All my boys at home used to make fun of me for liking such "boring and girly music" but fuck them, most of the girls were still chasing me.
I never had a serious relationship. I fooled around with some girls at parties but I wanted to wait for a special girl to go any further. So I was kind of a player you could say but I mean not as bad as most popular guys.
"Love it if we made it" by the 1975 started playing and I turned up the volume. That song was so dope. When I approach a red light I just started to sing along. I went off like crazy. But it made me happy so fuck everyone who thinks thats stupid!
I reeeaallyy felt that song. My hair fell into my face and I whipped it away to the beat of the song. After my little "exercise" I somehow still found the energy to go all out for that song.
"And poison me daddy-"
When my head snapped to the left (as a dance move) my eyes opened and I looked into the grinning face of Romeo. Fuck.
His car stood next to mine at the red light. I just stared at him and blushed like a fucking idiot, not even turning the music down. His hair was as perfect as always. A black curl fell into his face, but it didn't seem to bother him. He wore a black leather jacked and a white t-shirt. Even though he was sitting in his car and the shirt was pretty loose, I just now realized that he was probably ripped. I could see the trace of his muscular chest through the V-neck and I had to gulp.
A beautiful smile appeared on his face. He must have seen me checking him out, still shocked by the whole situation. I mean I wasn't checking him out, was I? I just appreciated another males looks. Yeah that was it.
He chuckled as he faced the street again and drove off. My eyes followed his black car as he drove away into the distance, way over the speed limit. What the fuck did just happen?? I made it one school day without embarrassing myself and now this?? Oh my god
HONK
I snapped out of my trance, started my car again and drove away. Did that really just happen? And why should I even care? I wasn't desiring to be on top of the food chain at the new school right now anyway or did I ?
So if Romeo would tell everyone why should I care? I was used to being "the popular guy" but I didn't know if I wanted to be that guy anymore. Maybe, after everything that had happened, it would just be the best to keep a low profile and not get into any trouble. So no harm done, relax Blake, for Gods sake. Don't think about it too much.
But damn.
That smile though.