A/N: This story contains strong language and sensitive topics. Its a bxb story, so if you have a problem with that, first of fuck you and second, you may leave this story now. Everything here is pure fiction. Hate comments will be deleted. Enjoy❤️🌈
I took a deep breath. The person starring back at me in the mirror seemed so unfamiliar. The stress was clearly showing in my blue eyes and I inched closer to get a better look at myself. My hands traced over my face, trying to feel that that was actually me. That boy in the mirror was me, Blake Jenkins and not some weak pussy I didn't know and would most probably despite for being this insecure and anxious. Why was I so freaking nervous? Its going to be fine. No one knows me here, no one knows about the "Incident". I can start fresh. Finally.
I exhaled sharply and threw myself on my bed, face first. I hated this feeling. All I ever wanted was to be great. I didn't want to cause my family any troubles, I didn't want to have panic attacks and I really just wanted to live a normal life. Maybe I shouldn't go. I should just drop out of school and work at Starbucks. Fuck me, I am really not ready to go to school today. Or ever. All those eyes on me, the questions. Trying to make new friends or maybe real friends this time, was just stressing me out. I screamed into the pillow and turned around to face the ceiling. This was hell.
"You ready to go?"
I was suddenly ripped out of my fearful thoughts, when I heard that very question. The question I had no answer to, because truthfully, the answer was no. But I didn't allow myself to have that answer. My eyes darted away from the ceiling, as I met my brothers gaze. Cody stood in my room, leaning against the doorframe with a little worry filling his eyes. I didn't even hear him enter. Deep breaths Blake, you can do this. I nodded and slowly got up to take my backpack. As I tried to leave the room, Codys arm hits my chest to stop me from rushing past him.
"Are you ok?" he asked, frowning a little, as if he was trying to read me. I didn't like it.
"Sure," I snapped. I didn't want to act like a little bitch, but I mean, really? Are you ok? Of course I am not ok, of all the people in this world, he should know that! How could I possibly be even close to ok?
Cody sighed and let me rush out of the room. I ran down the stairs feeling sick. Maybe I should just stay at home. Maybe I really wasn't ready. But I had to be stronger than that. I couldn't worry mom. It wouldn't be fair. After all we've been through, I can't worry her. Not today anyway. She would immediately call in sick for work and stay home with me, no matter how hard I would try to convince her to just leave me here alone. And she was still new at her job, she couldn't do that. So no, I can't stay home. Fuck.
"Good Morning sunshine! I made you your favorite breakfast - Pancakes" she chirped. Why was she such a morning person? The delicious smell coming from the pan hit my nostrils, making my stomach grumble in delight. My hand clutched over it, feeling my defined abs, that I have been building up again over those past few weeks. I hated my body so much, I know it sounds dumb. Not because I wanted to be thinner or shit, no. It had just caused me too much trouble in the past. As much as I wanted to stuff my face, I tasted sick in my mouth from being way too anxious.
"Uhm no thanks mom, I think I will just grab a coffee"
"But its your first day at your new school! You have to eat something honey. Or are you not feeling well? Blake, if you are not ready for this thats fine, I can stay home and-"
"I am fine", I lied, "You are right mom, I will just take my pancakes to go, ok? I just don't want to be late, thats all"
She still looked concerned. And who could blame her? This summer was just as hard on her, as it was on Cody and, of course, me. She deserved to be happy.
"Don't worry. I am fine" I lied again. I hated being dishonest with her, but it was for her own good.
"I will look after him" Cody yelled from the stairs and I rolled my eyes in response. I know, that after everything that went down, Cody really meant what he said and was just as worried as mom, but still. I can look after myself! I am only one year younger and I am fucking strong! Really, I don't need a Bodyguard. But of course, I couldn't possible say that to him. That would be mean. He was just very protective, it was his nature. So, I just pressed out a smile, took my coffee and my breakfast and went to the door.
"Do you have your pills with you?" Mom yelled and I froze. Those fucking pills. I clutched my jaw, before I turned around. She waved a pack of pills at me. Of course she had noticed. "You thought I wouldn't check? I know you hate them Blake, but they are for your own good. Cody, honey, you take them. I worry, if I give them to Blake, he is just gonna flush them down the drain again."
I rolled my eyes and muttered a quick "Bye" before leaving the house. The new house. It was cute and all, honestly, it just didn't feel like a home yet. Mom insisted, that if the three of us would work on decorating it all summer, we could make it a home. But Cody and I just weren't up for that. We all missed our old home and mom was really the only one trying to have a fresh start. Cody on the other hand, focused rather on rebuilding my mental health than on couch cushions and rug samples. He normally was the picture perfect son and would have probably, in any other situation, totally helped our mom, but he just only had so much energy to give and he used it all on me. The whole thing was hard on him as well and I couldn't help but feel guilty. It was my fault, after all.
Of course, my Mom and brother would keep telling me, that it wasn't actually my fault and how dare I would ever feel guilty for what had happened. But after all, I was the only reason we had to move. Without dad.
Cody left the house and got into the car. "Move."
"Why can't I drive? Its our car!" I exclaimed gripping the steering wheel a little tighter in protest.
"I said move"
I sighed and shuffled one seat over. Cody started the car and pulled out of the driveway. Slowly, I settled into my seat and began to gaze out of the window. The small houses, the people, the new city, it was all passing by. This whole situation just felt weird. "How are you feeling?" he asked. I shrugged my shoulders. "I just never thought I would have to go to another school again, you know? Starting fresh again and shit. Its just...I had friends at home."
"They weren't your friends Blake. Not really. I mean, after how they treated you? How could you even say that?" Cody asked, his eyes never leaving the road ahead of us.
"I know.. But somehow, they were still part of my life, you know? But, yeah, I don't want to go back. I mean after .. the incident. You know that"
Codys grip around the steering wheel tightened, as I mentioned the incident. "I will look after you, ok?"
"Yeah, I know. Its just...I was popular at our old school. And now I have to do it all again.."
A weak smile appeared on Codys face. "Blake, don't worry about that. The girls will chase after you just as much as they did back home. Just try to stay out of trouble and if you ever feel anxious, just come to me, ok? If you have a panic attack, tell someone to get me, I will text you my schedule, so you know where to find me. Its going to be fine."
I know he tried to be positive and all, but really, this just made me even more nervous. I didn't look like a guy who would have panic attacks and get socially awkward, like, at all. I mean, I used to be the typical popular quarterback guy. Pretty ok tall, muscles, but not too many, always smiling and drinking too much at parties. Then everything changed.
I closed my eyes and tried to calm down, when I felt my anxiety rise again.
Cody looked kind of nervous as well. I couldn't tell, if it was because it was also his first day at the new school or if he was worried about me. Probably a mixture of both. I didn't want him to worry, today he had his own shit to deal with. I always admired Codys strength, especially after everything went down. Of course, he didn't exactly experience what I had to live through, but I can only imagine how hard it must have been on his side. Yet, I was the one with the panic attacks and the constant anxiety. Cody found his way back into normal life pretty fast and still managed to be there for me, whenever I needed him. Even after I tried to... never mind. Well lets just say, he stayed by my side through good and bad times.
After about 15 minutes, we pulled up to the school. Our new school, ugh. It was a regular brick wall building, nothing special really. Although we were pretty early, a lot of other kids rushed into the school as well. So this was it. This was my new life. I would meet, hopefully, some new friends here, maybe some enemies. I would graduate here and I would heal here. Maybe I would even meet a nice girl, maybe even the girl. That would be fucking amazing, if you think about it. But maybe, I wouldn't find any of that. My anxiety told me that I wouldn't make friends, because the past had just proven how unreliable people really were and how fucked up they could get. No girl in their right mind would want me and I would just become a nobody here, something that I was not used to.
I sighed and looked at Cody. I met his gaze and could see that he tried to hold up a happy barrier for me. He gave me a reassuring smile, before he opened the door and made his way to the new school.
I wanted to follow him quickly, but just as I opened the door, a black old car pulled up next to Codys and mine and nearly ran me over. I jumped a little, my back hitting my car. The wheels squeaked as the black old-timer came to a stop. It was so close to mine, that it nearly got a scratch from my slightly open door. Who would be this reckless with their own car?? Did they not see me getting out? Or did they just not care? But who wouldn't care about running someone over? My hands formed into fists, since I was pretty fucking angry at that douche, that obviously had too much fucking money to care about anything. I didn't plan on having a fight on my first day but this asshole just had to make me angry.
A boy, around 19 or 18, with dark curls and a rather handsome face looked at me as he got out of the car. I mean handsome in like a... a cool way, ok? I wasn't gay or anything, I can assure you that much. But he really looked quiet handsome. His green eyes pierced into me as he slowly chewed on a piece of gum and just stood right in front of me, obviously waiting for me to do something. He looked very intimidating, but there was also something else about him, that I couldn't quiet put my finger on.
Finally, I understood what he was waiting for me to do. I moved aside, so he could walk past me, as I was still blocking the way. I tried my best to look very much not bothered at all, but my insides were screaming for some unknown reason. As he walked past me, a small smirk appeared on his plump lips.
"Thanks" he muttered, before turning around and making his way into the building.
I wanted to reply, but I didn't know how to do that anymore. My body physically didn't know how to speak in that moment. Before I could collect myself, I already saw him disappearing behind the large front doors of the school. Wow, that was so fucking weird. I took a deep breath to calm down, as I felt my knees slightly shaking. Did I already have a panic attack? That boy didn't even do anything, he just drove a little too reckless, thats all.
But this wasn't a panic attack. Those feel different. It was more like I wanted to melt at the pure sight of that stranger, but also push that feeling away and got so scared of it, that a new kind of panic floated my body. It was weird and nothing like I have every experienced before. Suddenly, I heard, what I presumed to be the school bell, ring. Great. It was my first day and I was already late and panicking.
This was going to be harder than I thought.