Chapter Twenty-Three.
"You don't mourn those that pass, you envy them." —Citrus M. Hayes
Louisana State University
Whenever death hit the campus; there was this longing stir that lingered within the air. While dark clouds of gray hung over the students, and the staff willowed in their own grief. The soul of the one lost made it's way around each and everyone within that area. Everyone felt it.
Death was straightforward.
It was not a gate to immortality but simply, a departure from life. Inevitable. It laid on your mind in a simple manner when you came to the understanding that when you were put on this Earth, there would be a day where you would be taken from the very place you took your first breath. Whether, from natural causes or in this case; gone too soon— no one lived forever. It was bound to happen, you lived to die.
Or at least that's what Citrus had to tell herself in order to cope.
He had it coming. It just came faster than it should've.
A strong assortment of flowers, photographs, and candles aligned the edge of the football field. All as a way to grieve and pay respects to the fallen student. Behind the memorial, sat a blown up photo of Louisiana State's very own number five; star varsity quarterback, just a freshman. Academically, he might of not been the best person. Though, when it came to sports and his personality? He dominated in all aspects. He was an amazing person, who ultimately deserved better than what had been handed to him. Everyone recognized it, they couldn't argue against it. His body might've been gone but his spirit still remained.
Reese Wilson; always and forever.
"Hey," Miranda took a seat next to Citrus.
The football field was empty. The memorial for the Campus's beloved number five, had ended an hour or so ago, yet Citrus still remained on the bleachers. Lost in her very own thoughts.
"His funeral is this weekend, are you going?"
"I don't think so," Citrus exhaled. "I can't see him in a casket. How about you? How are you taking this?"
"Maintaining," Miranda took a seat beside her. "I don't think I'll be going either, I have no way to get to Virginia anyways. It's weird, I have yet to cry but I can feel it," She pointed to her heart. "I feel it all right here."
"You're probably still in shock," Citrus revealed. "They call that the-
"First stage," Miranda nodded. "I lost my father at sixteen, I'm familiar with it. But this one hit's a little different. My dad died of old age, natural causes. It was his time, you know?" She sniffed. "I can't say the same for Reese though, and that hurts."
"Death is inevitable," Citrus shrugged. "We'll all be gone sooner or later."
"Yeah but it should come after you live," Miranda preached. "You're born, you live, you die. Reese was just a baby, barely touched the surface of living. It was not his time. Plus they did him so dirty. I mean dumping his mutilated body in front of the coach's house? I heard it's going to be a closed casket because that's how bad it was. Whoever it was tortured him Citrus. Like what could he have done that bad? What sane human does that to a person?"
"I'm so sorry you're going through this," Citrus looked to the ground.
"What for?" Miranda scoffed. "Not like you killed him."
"I know I just can't help but to feel your pain. You loved him, didn't you?"
"We were working towards something," She formed a smile. "Something strong, and durable. Our bond was out of this world, I felt connected to him in more ways than one. I knew it was coming, I tried to get him to stay in with me that night because I felt off. I should have tried harder."
"It's not your fault," Citrus shook her head. "The worst you can do is blame yourself."
"I know but I could've stopped him from leaving, I should have."
"Miranda," Citrus deadpanned. "Stop that."
"When I lost my father, I can honestly say it took so long for the first stage to pass. I think I was in denial for some months. At times the emotion would attempt to come but I couldn't sustain it, it wasn't completely in me," She vented. "I know that Reese is gone, I know he's not coming back. I'm not in denial, can't even say I'm in shock. It pains me, the emotions and everything are there. I feel em', but I think it's the fact that I know he's supposed to be right here with us that's holding me back. You ever lost somebody?" Miranda looked at her with concern, "Earlier you said you felt my pain. So who did you loose?"
Citrus looked towards the sky and let out a breath. Little did Miranda know, Citrus had lost many. It was as if grief had surrounded her very existence. From the very moment she was born, she was doomed to a long life of loss.
"At this point, death is the norm," She admitted. "I've lost countless of people, majority being super close to me. I loved Reese too, you know," She looked towards Miranda."He was a great person, an even better friend."
"Can you let me know when it gets better?" Miranda exhaled. "I still don't understand it."
"Everyone is different." Citrus admitted."When I experienced losing someone for the first time, just as you I spent so long in that first stage of grief, in denial that the Devil could be so cruel. I had this childish spirit that loved everyone and everything, back then. I thought there was no evil in this world...I never thought that I'd feel pain. So I think I was in denial not for days or weeks, but a couple of years or more."
"Years?"
"The losses kept coming back to back," Citrus informed. "I had no room to really sit and grieve because there were so many, so I just buried it deep in my soul. Until one day I realized that not expressing my pain or even willowing in it; was not good for me. I told myself that I deserved a good life, and for it I needed to move on and just forget. I had to learn to stop thinking about it or burying it, and instead make plans for my future. I wasn't able to go through the five stages as others do, but I made it anyway, through the grief of loosing so many, and in that process I found better."
"Citrus that doesn't sound like a good way to cope," Miranda frowned. "I don't want to forget Reese."
"Do you want to live this life simply existing?"
"Excuse me?"
"Like I said before death is inevitable. You can't live life dwelling on what or who used to be here on this Earth with you. It's unhealthy to bask in what could have been or what you could have prevented way after they're gone. It does nothing but keep you down."
"So you're telling me to turn off my emotions?"
"I'm not telling you anything, I'm telling you what worked and works for me."
"So you don't care about Reese being gone?"
"I was once told that you don't mourn those that pass, you envy them," Citrus placed her sunglasses upon her face. "Why be sad when they don't have ta' live on this cruel place we call Earth any longer? He's in a much better place Miranda, trust me."
"Who the hell would tell you that insensitive ass shit?!"
Miranda's brows reached the tips of her forehead. She couldn't believe the words coming from Citrus's mouth. She had been seeing a change in this girl the last few weeks, but not enough to make her actually believe she'd say something so careless. How could she openly brush off the death of someone who once called her a friend? This was the most immoral thing Miranda had ever come across.
Citrus smirked. "It's the truth and once you see it, you'll be much more content."
"I'll see you around Citrus," Miranda scrambled to grab her belongings and quickly stood to her feet.
"Actually you won't," Citrus followed suit. "It was nice getting to know you these past few months but I'm afraid I'm leaving LSU."
"What?" Miranda's mouth dropped in shock. "But you're so close to the finish line! May is right around the corner. It'll be pointless to switch schools."
"I'm dropping out Miranda," Citrus exhaled. "Not switching."
"For what?"
"It's not for me, I've had a change of heart."
"Right before obtaining your degree that you've worked so hard towards?" Miranda scoffed. "Yeah, that makes a ton of sense."
"My decision is final," Citrus's voice raised a few octaves, "Okay? I'm leaving."
"I guess," Miranda looked out to the empty field. "I've lost two people then huh? Within a weeks span?"
Citrus simply shrugged, ignoring the solemn look upon Miranda's face. In order to move on, she could not allow someone else's hurt to hinder her. Nor could she succumb to her own pain or guilt for that matter. In order to grieve the way that she always had, she needed to get away. She could not properly forget about Reese, if she was forced to attend the very place she met him every single day.
College was now the past. As was Reese Wilson.
"It was nice meeting you Citrus," Miranda wiped the tears seeping from her eyes.
"You too," Citrus turned on her heels. "Good luck Miranda."
"Wait," Miranda reached for her shoulder. "Who did you learn that from? You never answered me."
"His name was Deeds," Citrus informed, "Simon Deeds Hayes."