Jamie
I wake up to the When Harry Met Sally DVD menu illuminating my dark room from the TV screen. I'm groggy, but I feel a hell of a lot better than I did earlier. I pick up my phone and see that it's only 11.12pm. Well, it is pretty late. I've slept for hours though, and I don't feel that tired now. I have a tone of messages, but I don't read any of them. My dad, Aubrey, John, Erin, Jay and Joel. No Patrick or Noah.
Benji is lying on his back at the foot of my bed, his paws twitching in his sleep. Poor boy, I didn't walk him earlier. Or give him his dinner. Speaking of dinner, I haven't eaten anything all day (besides two spoonfuls of cookie dough ice-cream). So I decide to go downstairs to put out some dog food for Benji and get something to eat myself.
11.15pm and I'm sitting on my kitchen counter eating cereal, watching Benji devour his late dinner. I'm still wearing sweats, Patrick's hoodie, Patrick's headband. I'm ignoring everything else and focusing on practical things. I'm gonna take Benji out for a midnight stroll once I've eaten my cereal. I can practically hear Patrick now 'do you ever walk the poor dog?'. But I'm not thinking about Patrick. He hasn't sent me any messages. Either has Noah.
I shrug on a jacket and my thick scarf (to hide the hickeys - I doubt I'll run into anyone at this time of night, but you never know.) and I shove a woolly beanie on (on top of the headband, I don't wanna take it off - I don't know why). Before heading out with Benji. I don't even bother putting his leish on, he's a good boy and it should be quiet out at this time.
As I walk down my street I plug my headphones into my phone and shove them over my ears. I hit shuffle on one of my many playlists, and the first fucking song that comes on is Fleetwood Mac - Tusk.
I'm 13 again. And I'm in the Music room in Middle School with Jay, Joel and Patrick. We're listening to songs from my iPod plugged into the speakers, and trying to copy them. We've already mastered The Chain, Rihannon and Go Your Own Way easily. Joel keeps teasing Patrick about a Fleetwood Mac song called Tusk. I don't know the song, but apparently there's an impressive drum solo by Mick Fleetwood in that one. I have it on my iPod though, I have most Fleetwood Mac songs. So I put the song on and we listen. It sounds so tribal and weird, but I like it. Patrick follows the beat easily. He listens to the solo a couple of times then copies it with total ease, but he carries on and keeps drumming out his own beat over the music. It's fast, his eyes are closed, his hair has totally fallen over his eyes and he looks completely lost in the music. It's the first time I've really seen him drumming like this. A small crowd of kids has even formed by the door to the Music room, and the Music teacher has come in and is watching Patrick in awe. We all are. By the time he stops, his knuckles are cracked and bleeding a little. He looks up, startled by the audience that have formed. He pushes his hair back, takes a deep breath and says "Man, I need to get a headband or something." Everyone laughs. From that moment on, Patrick was very popular with the girls.
Present day, and I'm skipping Tusk. I don't wanna listen to that right now. It's an awesome memory, a memory I love. But I don't wanna let it in, not fully anyway. The next song that comes on is Lego House - Ed Sheeran.
I'm 16 again. My eye makeup is dark, my hair is blue, and I'm sitting in my garage on a Saturday morning, desperately refreshing the webpage I have open on my laptop, trying to buy tickets to see Ed Sheeran. The general sale opened 10 minutes ago, and I haven't managed to get tickets so far. Im trying for five, for me, Erin and the guys. Jay and Joel are messing around with their guitars, and Patrick is sitting beside me on the couch browsing through his phone. I finally give up, I'm not gonna get tickets, and I'm bummed. It's the first time Ed Sheeran has had a tour date in South bridge, I knew it would sell out quickly.
"Fuck sake" I say, admitting defeat and slamming my laptop closed.
"No luck?" Joel asks.
"No big deal, Ed Sheeran isn't all that anyway" Jay says
"I know you guys don't like him, but I fucking love him!" I cry, "What are the chances he's ever gonna come back to South bridge, he's gonna be huge soon, I just know it." I fold my arms and sit back in a sulk.
"Aww, poor Jame isn't gonna get to see the awkward English dude" Jay mocks me.
Jay and Joel laugh, Patrick doesn't say anything. Clearly, he couldn't care less that I was unable to get us tickets.
"Erin's gonna be bummed too." I say, pretty much to myself. I'm totally lying, she doesn't like Ed Sheeran much, same as the guys.
"Smoke?" Jay asks Joel. Of course he wants to leave at the mention of Erin's name. Typical. They both put their guitars down and head outside.
I lay my head back and stare up at the roof, still in my sulk. Patrick's just sitting beside me tapping away at his phone screen. Probably lining up his next "date" for the weekend.
After a few minutes, Patrick doesnt even look up from his phone when he says "I got two tickets, you want them?" So casually, like it's nothing.
I sit bolt upright and turn to face him, "Are you fucking kidding me!?"
He looks up from his phone, amused at my excited reaction. "No, Steph asked me to try and get tickets for her and a friend, I got two but she just text me and said her friend managed to get. So there's two spare. You can take Erin?"
I throw myself at him and scream in delight. He laughs as I shake his shoulders and repeatedly ask if he's being serious. I stand up and start jumping up and down, I'm so excited and happy. He tells me it's no big deal and resumes scrolling through his phone. I calm down and sit down next to him again. I can't thank him enough for this. I have an idea.
"Patrick, you should come to the show with me!" I smile at him, eagerly awaiting his response.
But he just laughs and tells me to take Erin. I know he doesn't really like Ed Sheeran, but still.
"Aww come on, they're your tickets, Erin won't mind, she doesn't like him that much either! Come on, it'll be fun!" I try to convince him.
He looks like he's considering it, then just as Jay and Joel walk back into the garage he nudges me with his elbow and says "Nah, take Erin. I'll be getting laid that night."
I roll my eyes and laugh at him before thanking him again. What an awesome friend.
Present day, and I skip Lego House after listening to about half of the song. It was an awesome show, Erin and I had a great time, and I got Patrick that headband from the merch stand to say thanks. When I got home I wrote "I <3 TS" on the headband as a private joke between Patrick and me: he doesn't like Ed Sheeran but he loves Taylor Swift. I don't like Taylor Swift but I love Ed Sheeran. So we only agree on the few songs they have together. I thought he'd appreciate it, and he did.
A few weeks after the Ed Sheeran show, I ran into Steph at Symposium and asked her how she liked the show. She told me she didn't manage to get tickets. Naturally, I was confused. The first of my boys I saw after that was Joel, so I mentioned it to him. He told me not to say anything to Patrick about it, Joel said he was just trying to be nice and wouldn't want me to make a big deal out of it. He tried for two tickets because he thought there would be more chance of getting two than getting five. He never got the tickets for Steph in the first place, he got them for me. I didn't really understand, but I didn't dwell on it at the time. Thinking of it now... I don't know. Did he want to go with me to the show? Just the two of us? I did ask him at the time obviously, and he said no. And didn't Joel find the whole thing weird? Jay never said anything about it, I don't even know if Jay knows that Patrick really got the tickets for me and not his little sister.
It's a totally innocent memory, and I'm completely overthinking it tonight. So I skip the damn song, and what comes on next? My Heart by Paramore.
I'm 13 again, sitting in the Music room in Middle School on my own, fiddling around with an acoustic guitar. I've only been jamming with Joel and Patrick for around a month, so I'm still getting to know them, but they're cool. The four of us gel so well as a band together, and I'm totally optimistic about our future together. We even signed up to play at an upcoming school talent show soon. My only issue? I am not at all confident when it comes to singing in front of other people. Guitar? No problem. But, my confidence with my vocals could use some work.
I'm playing the chords to My Heart by Paramore, a song I am totally fucking loving at the moment. I'm so obsessed with Hayley Williams - I even considered dying my hair orange, but my dad would kill me, and I don't think it would suit me anyway. Maybe blue when I'm a little older.
"What are you playing?"
I turn to see Patrick joining me in the Music room. He gives me a small smile before heading over to the drum kit. I stop playing and smile back at him. He's been a little awkward around me so far when it's just the two of us. I figure he doesn't talk to girls much, so he's unsure of exactly how he should act around me. It's totally fine though, we had a good talk about my mom and his dad the other day. We bonded without Joel and Jay for the first time. He's gonna be my best friend in no time, I can tell.
"It's a Paramore song." I inform him. "You like them?"
"I don't mind them." He says, while throwing on a black headband. He's taken to wearing headbands or beanies when he drums now. They really suit him. He looks totally cute, actually. But I won't tell him that, I don't know how he'd take the compliment. Maybe in a few months after we get to know each other better, but not right now.
I continue plucking away at my guitar strings slowly as settles himself in behind the drum kit. We're waiting for Jay and Joel to get here, so I'll just continue messing around with my guitar on my own. He'll probably start tapping the symbols or whatever soon. But after a few minutes, I realise there is no drumming going on whatsoever. I look up at him as I play and frown at him. He's just watching me curiously, motionless behind the drum set.
"What?" I ask.
"Why aren't you singing the song?" I feel myself blush.
"Um, I don't really like singing without Jay." I admit. "Singing isn't my strong point. Jay's much better than me."
"That's a matter of opinion." Patrick states matter-of-factly. "I've heard you sing with Jay plenty times now, you're just as good as him. You guys have different voices, that's all. Go on, sing the song."
I smile at his encouragement before clearing my throat. He's right, I have sang in front of him and Joel a bunch of times now. Just not on my own. Never without Jay. I'm a backing singer, he's the frontman.
"I am finding out, that maybe I was wrong." I sing the opening line of the song and play along on my guitar, but... No. I'm too self conscious. Especially with Patrick just sitting at the drum kit doing nothing, watching me. Listening to me. I look up at him and stop playing before laughing and shrugging my shoulders.
"I could play too if you want?" He asks uncertainly, like he thinks I might say no. Quite the opposite, actually.
"You know the song?" I ask him, happily surprised.
"Sure, you listen to it a lot." He replies casually, shifting his weight on the stool and raising his drum sticks. He starts drumming out a beat, and I would know that beat anywhere. He actually knows how to play My Heart! I am super impressed and encouraged by this, so I join in with my guitar, smiling at him all the while.
"I am finding out, that maybe I was wrong. That I've fallen down, and I can't do this alone. Stay with me, this is what I need, please?"
I beam at him as he nails the drums leading into the chorus. I love the drums on this song. In fact, this is one of the only songs that I probably enjoy the drums more than the guitar. They're beautiful, and while I already knew Patrick was an awesome drummer, I appreciate just how good he really is in this moment. I am seriously impressed with him.
"This heart, it beats, beats for only you..."
The drum beat is light and gentle at this point, but I know it's about to get a hell of a lot heavier. And my voice is gonna need to get a hell of a lot higher. I know I can do it, I do it on my own all the time, but what if someone walks in here right now? I don't think I can do this. I hesitate, before waving a hand at Patrick.
"I can't do this part." I say to him, before sighing in defeat. This is my favourite part of the song (the build is so amazing) but I just can't do it. "I'm not Hayley Williams, I cannot sing this part."
I try to laugh it off by pretending that I don't have the vocal range for it (even though I know I do), it's really just a self-confidence issue.
"Yes you can." Patrick states, raising an eyebrow at me. Wow, I had no idea he could see through me like that already. We really are gonna be best friends, huh?
"I'll drum super hard to drown your voice out if you want?" He offers, grinning at me. I smile at him and nod my head. He's being so sweet, I can't refuse this.
"This heart, it beats, beats for only you..." I'm still smiling at him as he drums along softly.
"This heart, it beats, beats for only you..." The drums pick up a little, and suddenly I wish I was playing an electric guitar instead of an acoustic. No matter, this is still really fun.
"This heart, it beats, beats for only you, ooooh!"
Patrick starts hammering at the drums, and I'm smiling from ear to ear as I play and continue singing. I really do fucking love this song.
"This heart, it beats, beats for only you! My heart, is yours."
The song ends, and Patrick and I beam at each other. I just sang on my own in front of him, and it was the most natural thing ever. I look over at the door and see that it's still firmly closed, but anyone could have walked in right now, and anyone walking by the Music room probably heard me singing just now.
"Told you you could do it." Patrick says brightly. "And for the record, you're a much better singer than Jay."
I laugh at this. "I don't know about that, but thanks, dude. And you're such an awesome drummer! How do you even know how to play that song? Is it really that easy to just pick up any old beat after hearing a song a few times?"
He shrugs his shoulders. "A few times? You listen to that song all the time, Jame. I've heard it a lot."
"Right." My smile widens. That's the first time he's ever called me 'Jame'. And I know it will be the first of many.
Present day, and there is no chance in hell I can listen to this. Not tonight. That is by far one of my favourite memories. It was such a poignant moment for me, sitting there in the Music room alone with Patrick. It was the first time we ever jammed together without Jay and Joel, just the two of us. And it was also the first time I ever sang (I mean really sang) on my own in front of anyone other than my mom, my dad and Jay. My Heart will always by mine and Patrick's song, and it'll always have a special place in, well, my heart. But right now, I don't know how I feel about that. I tap my phone screen quickly, skipping the song before it even starts.
The next song to come on? You and Me by Lifehouse.
I violently rip my headphones out of my ears and my phone then shove them into my coat pocket. I guess I'll just walk in silence.
Why am I thinking of Patrick like this now anyway? Well, I know exactly why. Something has changed. Well, like Ed Sheeran and Taylor Swift would say, Everything Has Changed. And I don't know what to do. I don't want the band to break up, but I don't think I can go back to normal with Patrick now. Not now that I know what it feels like...
God, I understand why he's such a heart breaker now. I mean, he's gorgeous, he's always been gorgeous. And if his looks alone aren't enough to make you weak, seeing him play will push you over the edge for sure. But kissing him, and holding him, and running your hands through his hair, and feeling his lips on your neck...
Ugh, why did we go there? Why? I can't see a way past this. Not right now anyway.
And what about Noah? My thoughts are consumed by Patrick. Surely it should be the other way around? I'm worrying about what I did with Patrick effecting my friendship with him, and the future of the band. But I should be worrying about how it'll effect my relationship with Noah. Even though Noah said we aren't officially together, I know I need to tell him about this. And I will.
Oh god. I'm overthinking, and the panic I felt earlier is setting in again. So I turn and start heading back home, shaking off my thoughts. I need to go back to sleep to try and stop my racing mind.
I shove my headphones back in and look for a generic pop playlist on Spotify. I won't find anything that reminds me of Patrick or Noah in here. Some shitty dance song I don't even know comes on when I hit shuffle, perfect. And before long, I'm back on my street and Benji is trotting just ahead of me, sniffing at the trees lining the sidewalk.
I'm a couple of houses away from my house now, and I'm glad. I cannot wait to get back. I wanna crawl into bed and forget about everything and everyone. I wanna switch my phone off and ignore the world. I could do that right now actually, what am I waiting for? I pull my phone out of my pocket, see that I have no new messages from Patrick or Noah (which is really all that I'm checking for every time I look at my damn phone) and just switch it off.
Peace, and silence. I have Benji, and he's the only boy I want right now. He's a little ahead of me, approaching the house already. He's running towards the front door and wagging his tail. Kinda like what he does when he's excited to see somebody...
Then I see him.
Someone's sitting on the steps of my front porch. He's dressed all in black, and he's wearing a black beanie. And although I can't quite make him out properly yet, I know exactly who it is.