“Oh come on Shawn. I finally get a Friday off, please let me go to a party tonight! I won’t drink and I’ll be home by one, pleassseeee.”
Shawn just studied me, not really wanting to have to tell me no, and I knew I was slowly breaking him. He was giving in, and he threw up his hands, “Fine, but you better be home by one or this isn’t happening again till you move out.”
I hugged him tight as I smiled, “Oh thank you! I promise, I’ll be home by one, and if not it’s probably because I’m super wasted.”
“Sam!”
I held up my hands, “I’m just kidding Shawn, I won’t drink tonight.”
“And no drugs.”
I sighed, “Does that include weed?”
He glared at me, “I’m serious.”
I smiled, “Shawn I’m not stupid okay? Trust me, I’ll be a good girl tonight.”
He rolled his eyes, “That’s what scares me Sam, I know you’re anything but a good girl.”
I laughed, “But I’ll try my hardest.”
I grabbed my keys and my jacket, heading for the door and realizing if I left now I would make it to the party by at least 11:00. I was showing up kind of late but that’s okay, that ensures me that everyone was already there and I would make a surprise entrance.
Blair wouldn’t be joining me considering she was with her boyfriend tonight, which felt like every night because she was literally always with him. Even though I was happy for her I still felt like she was spending excessive amounts of time with him over me, but I wouldn’t hold it against her.
I knew she liked him a lot.
And of course the thought of Megan entered my mind, which should be something I was used to by now. She hadn’t spoken to me today in class and practice had been canceled, so an entire day without interaction with her had really put a damper on my mood.
But I could only hope that hanging out with Becca tonight would somewhat fill that void, even though I knew no one but Megan could do that.
I didn’t know what was going on with me and Megan. We had shared a nice moment for New Years and then the nice talks and little kisses, and no we were back to where we started. Did she want me? Is that why she was acting so weird around me? I knew there was something there for me inside her heart, but I didn’t know exactly what it was so it just pissed me off.
There was no denying the attraction, Megan and I had had the tension before we even liked each other, but now it had escalated to a whole new level.
Now there were feelings, and that was always scary.
I hadn’t had feelings for anyone, at least not that I could remember. Then comes Megan, and I hated her, then I tolerated her, then I started to actually like her, and now here I was, confused as fuck because now I couldn’t stop thinking about her.
It wasn’t fair.
I eventually pulled up to the house and saw quite a bit of people there, surrounding the outside of the house and walking in and out. It actually looked like a pretty decent party, but I knew I needed to keep my promise to Shawn and behave.
At least this time, and maybe next time I’ll have a little more fun.
I exited my car, walking inside and casually saying hey to a few people I knew form school, and then I saw Emma and Becca. I made my way over to them and Emma’s eyes caught me first, and then Becca’s, who seemed to be more excited to see me.
Emma smiled, “Look who decided to finally show up to a party and stop being a hermit.”
I rolled my eyes, shoving her, “Actually whore, I’ve been on lock-down. I got in some trouble over Thanksgiving break.”
She wiggled her eyes, “Sure, we’ll go with that.”
I smiled sarcastically, “Go get me a water and be useful.”
She laughed, “A water?”
I nodded, “Did I stutter?”
She held up her hand, “I don’t like you when you’re sober.”
Then she walked away, leaving Becca and I alone to talk. She smiled, “I’m glad you decided to show up.”
I shrugged, “I had nothing better to do.”
She laughed, “Stop trying to act all badass, I know you’re not.”
I looked at her, crossing my arms and smirking, “Then you obviously know nothing about me. I’m one-hundred percent badass, Becca.”
Emma joined us again, interrupting our conversation, “Here’s your water, lame-ass.”
And then she walked away, allowing me to focus back to Becca who responded, “Can I ask you something?”
I shrugged, “Do I have to answer?”
She smiled, blushing, “Only if you feel comfortable.”
I nodded, “Go ahead.”
She pulled me onto the couch and spoke, “Why’d you date Emma?”
I had kind of expected this question, simply because Becca was Emma’s friend and Emma was obviously straight considering she was practically molesting her boyfriend in the corner now. I was nothing but a distant memory to her.
I sighed, “Well, I think at that point in time I had officially lost my mind, so I asked her out because I had gone pretty crazy. Don’t worry though, I’m stable now.”
She laughed again, actually looking quite cute as she leaned back on the couch with her drink in hand. She shook her head, “I mean, I know you don’t date often, so I was curious as to why you decided to date someone who claimed to be straight.”
I groaned, “You can’t hold it against me because I plead insanity, and I can’t even give you a legit reason as to why. But I don’t regret it, I guess.”
She nodded, “That’s interesting.”
I smiled, “You think I’m interesting?”
“Yes, I mean… no, not like that,” she stuttered on, continuing to look quite adorable. She sighed, gathering herself, “You’re just different.”
I nodded, sipping my water, “You have no idea.”
She leaned forward, “So why’d you get put on lock-down over Thanksgiving break?”
I smiled, realizing she was actually pretty into me and curious about my life, and I honestly felt pretty comfortable with her. Sure, I was kind of ashamed of what I had done but it was something I had done, it was a mistake, and I needed to stop hiding it.
I began, “I got into a wreck, but that’s not why I got punished. No, I got punished for something that happened months prior to my accident, something that was blown way out of proportion.”
She shook her head, “Is there a reason you’re being so vague? Because if so I would understand if you didn’t want to tell me the reason.”
I continued, “I was into the drug thing, and I almost got caught by the police at a house party. My brother found out and he flipped shit and punished me indefinitely.”
“Until he decides if you deserve freedom?”
I nodded, “Which didn’t take too long considering I’m sitting here with you.”
She responded sarcastically, “Only like a month and a half.”
I laughed, “Yea, felt like eight years though.”
She looked down at her drink and then back up at me, “So, are you still into all that stuff? Like the drugs…?”
I shook my head, “No, I stopped completely. I realized it just wasn’t worth it.”
I realized it wasn’t worth losing Megan…
Oh fuck.
Maybe one drink wouldn’t hurt…
I stood, “Come with me fix a drink?”
She tilted her head, “You sure? You’re driving tonight, huh?”
I nodded, “Yea but one drink is good, I’ll be fine.”
She sighed, “Fine, I guess I approve.”
She followed me to the kitchen and allowed me to find a beer and begin sipping. I knew it would possibly help me forget Megan or it would only make it worse with time.
I really didn’t want to be thinking about her while I was here with Becca.
I could tell Becca was eyeing me, and I knew she had to be feeling a little tipsy because she was no longer trying to hide it. I had to give it to her, she was attractive, and knowing she was interested in me only made me want her more.
But for some reason I was holding back.
Usually I wouldn’t have wasted anytime knowing that she wanted to hook up, which I was sure that’s what she wanted. I figured she was like me, a no strings attached kind of girl, but I wasn’t on my usual game.
I leaned on the counter, realizing I just needed to forget about everything and try to have fun. I spoke, “So, how many girls would you say you’ve slept with?”
She smirked back, “Finally, some fun questions….” She sipped her drink and leaned forward towards me, bringing her face a little closer than normal. She sighed, “Well, I probably won’t measure up to you but, I’d say around the twenty-something range.”
I raised my brow in shock, not expecting Becca’s number to be as high as that. I smiled, laughing, “Well, it’s more than I had expected you to say.”
She blushed, “How much did you expect?”
I shrugged, “Maybe ten to fifteen, but you’re hot so I can’t put it past you.”
She flicked her reddish-brown hair behind her shoulder and smirked, “Yea, I am pretty hot.”
I laughed, feeling myself get more and more comfortable with her as the night passed on. I shook my head as I sipped my beer, watching her watch me the entire time. We were playing the mind games now, the staring contests that usually ended with me in bed with whoever I was challenging.
Then she questioned, “Okay, so how many girls have you slept with?”
I looked down at my hands and thought for a second, realizing I was slightly embarrassed to reveal that I honestly couldn’t give her a close answer. Usually I had no shame in admitting how many women I believed I had slept with, but like I said earlier, tonight was just a weird night for me and I wasn’t on my game.
I shrugged, “Well, I can’t really give you a close number, but I’ll say around fifty to sixty different girls.”
She raised her brow, seeming to actually be shocked but not as shocked as I would have expected, “Damn, you get around.”
I felt myself blush this time, but not in a good way, because when I said it out loud I realized I hadn’t cared about any of those girls. They were all just temporary releases for me, and I had used them.
I sighed, “Good news is, I haven’t slept with anyone in months. It just doesn’t feel right anymore.”
She smiled, “Well, maybe you’re changing for the better, Sam.”
I shrugged, “I feel like I’m growing into an old hag.”
She laughed, shoving me slightly as she moved closer to me, “Is it because you’ve started liking someone in particular?”
Immediately I thought about Megan again, which only confused and angered me slightly. I didn’t want it to be Megan, she was just too hard to be with. There were so many obstacles and things in our way, she was twenty-four and I was nineteen… and she was my goddamn teacher!
It wasn’t fair for us to start liking each other more than friends.
I shook my head, “She’ll never like me, I wouldn’t want her too.”
The response was unexpected, mostly because I hadn’t meant to say it out-loud, it had just kind of been an inner thought. But as I looked up at Becca I realized she was looking at me with slight pity in her eyes, which was something I had always hated.
She sighed, “Sam, everyone deserves happiness, no matter what mistakes they have made in their past. Sure, you used to be in some fucked up shit, but if you’re no longer doing it that means you’re changing, you’re growing up. People change, whether it’s into a better person or vice versa.”
This conversation had gone from playful to serious within seconds and it had managed to really screw up my brain. I shook my head, “She’s perfect, Becca. I mean fucking flawless, and not just her looks, her personality too. She’s a genuine person who cares about everyone but herself, and I’ll never equal up to that.”
Becca placed her hand on mine, “Sam, does she care about you?”
I shrugged, “I think so.”
“Then if you think she cares about you, why don’t you just try?”
I shook my head, “Because I’m not perfect like her, and I’ll never be able to give her everything she deserves.”
Becca smiled at me, “Sam, you may think she’s perfect, but you know in reality she’s not. She’s a human, just like you, and if she cares about you that means something.”
I groaned, “I can’t believe I’m telling you all of this.”
She smiled devilishly, “I know, I’m going to black mail you now.”
I smiled, leaning on her shoulder, “Becca, I hate you for making me admit all of that out loud.”
“I think you needed it.”
I shrugged, “But I’m still stuck.”
“You don’t have to be.”
I looked at her, “What do you mean?”
“Go see her. Go tell her everything you’ve told me.”
I shook my head, “No way.”
She shoved me, “Do it Sam, stop being a pussy.”
I looked at her, feeling terrified just at the thought of telling Megan how I felt about her. It was scary thinking about admitting all of that to her and knowing she could reject me right on the spot.
“Becca, what if she rejects me?”
Becca smiled, “I have a feeling she won’t.”
I don’t know if it was the talk with Becca that had got my heart pumping or if it was the beer I had been sipping for the past thirty minutes. I looked at the clock, realizing it was already twelve and that if I wanted to go through with this I would need to leave right now.
But did I really want to do this?
I groaned, “God, should I really do this?”
She nodded, “Yes, and if she does so happen to reject you… I’ll be here to help you get over her.”
I smirked at Becca realizing I had everything to lose right now if I went to Megan’s. It was late but that didn’t matter, I wanted to see Megan. I wanted to tell her everything I had told Becca in hopes that she just felt the same.
I wanted to know.
I put my beer down and smiled, “I’m gonna do it.”
She smiled, “Let me know how it goes?”
I nodded, smiling as I retrieved my keys, “Thanks Becca, for everything. I’m sure this isn’t how you wanted tonight to turn out, though.”
She shrugged, “It wasn’t, but I can tell you care about this girl, whoever she is.”
I smiled, “Bye Becca.”
“Good luck.”
Then I was running out the door and to my car, feeling the excitement and adrenaline course through my veins. I was really doing this, I was really going to show up at Megan’s house and tell her the way I felt.
I was so scared and so anxious at the same time I thought I was going to have a heart-attack.
I sped out of the drive way and down the street towards Megan’s, knowing that this could either go really good or really bad. I didn’t know what to expect, which was always scary, but I had a good feeling in my stomach.
Megan knew me better than most people, she knew my flaws and my past, my good side and my bad side. Even though we hadn’t been on the best of terms lately I knew that she would always listen to me, and maybe just maybe she would listen to me and understand why I had to do this.
And hopefully she would admit the same thing to me.
I didn’t know what I wanted to say to her, I didn’t know if I should just tell her everything right then and there or if I should kiss her… no, I didn’t want to come on to strong. I didn’t want to scare her before I even said anything.
How was I going to do this? Would I just let myself in casually at twelve in the morning on a Friday night unexpectedly, would she even be home? Oh of course she would be home, she didn’t do anything.
I was starting to psych myself out the longer I thought about actually doing this but I couldn’t stop thinking about her. Megan had managed to consume my entire mind over the last few months and had managed to drive me crazy in the process. There was something there between us, something that I had never felt before and wanted to understand, even if it would scare the living shit out of me.
I wanted to know the truth.
I wanted to know if she thought about me at night when she was lying awake in her bed. I wanted to know if her heart pounded just a little harder when she saw me. I wanted to know if she wanted to kiss me as bad as I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to know exactly how she felt about me, and if being with other people was just as impossible for her as it was for me.
I needed to know these things.
I drove up into her parking lot, looking up at her apartment and seeing her light on. So she was up this late on a Friday.
She was probably dong grades or something so she could enjoy the rest of her weekend.
Oh God this was it, I was really going to do this.
I literally had everything to lose if I did this, I could lose Megan’s respect, I could lose our relationship, the trust, the everything.
Everything I didn’t want to lose.
I was terrified, I was absolutely petrified to go up to her apartment and knock on her door, but I knew the more I say here and thought on it the more I would convince myself not to.
So I got out my car and started walking towards her door.
I mumbled to myself, “Don’t look scared Sam, look confident…”
I walked slowly up to her floor, standing right in front of her door and looking at it, scare out of my wits. If I did this there were only two outcomes, and one was great, and the other was the shittiest thing that could possibly happen to me.
My heart was pounding so loud in my chest I could hear it in my head, and my body was hot even though it was below fifty degrees outside. I clenched my jaw, feeling the nerves pile up in my stomach as I realized I had never ever felt this nervous over a girl before.
But this was Megan, and she was no ordinary girl.
I brought my fist to her door, ready to knock but also ready to run the opposite direction. Last time I had shown up at Megan’s house it had gone quite well, so what was I so hesitant for? Megan would listen to me, and she would somehow find a way to let me off easy without too much heart ache.
She wasn’t the cold bitch I was.
She was sweet and selfless, she was perfect, and everything about her personality made me jealous because I wanted to be that. I wanted to be selfless, but I couldn’t, not after everything I had been through. It was one of the biggest reasons I was afraid to do this, because Megan knew exactly how I was, and knowing we had opposite personalities only made me even more terrified to knock on her door.
But if I didn’t do this now I knew I would never do it.
I knocked precisely three times as I felt my heart pound even louder than I thought was possible. I heard footsteps on the other side and I could swear I was close to throwing up because I was so nervous, but I stood my ground.
This was it.
The chain-lock fell as I heard it swing against the other side of the door and I watched the nob turn slowly, making the anticipation almost cause me to pass out.
Then the door opened slowly, but to my dreaded surprise it wasn’t the familiar dark haired Megan I was expecting to see. It was the blond devil that I had thought to have disappeared out of me and Megan’s life for good.
It was Nikki.
She leaned on the doorframe, glass of wine in hand as she smirked, “Well, look who came crawling back to Megan’s door.” She looked back at Megan who was sitting at her counter, “Megan you’re ex-girlfriends here.”
I felt everything in my heart deflate, everything I had been wanting to say was now replaced with hateful words and untrue statements. As I watched Megan’s eyes switch to me from her counter I saw something in her change, something I could only hope was embarrassment.
I couldn’t stay here.
I turned, feeling as if everything within me was broken and shattered, but I should’ve figured something like this would’ve happened. Megan and I were never going to be together, that was a fact, and this was the final sign I needed to tell me that.
I ran down the stairs, hearing a distant voice calling my name but realizing I couldn’t turn around to look at her. I couldn’t face her anymore, because I knew if I spoke to her nothing good would come out of it.
But I felt I delicate grip on my arm, spinning me around to look into those blue eyes that looked so confused and hopeless. I could only pray to God that I wasn’t crying right now because if Megan really saw how I was feeling right now I would never forgive myself.
She spoke, “Sam… what are you doing here?”
I shrugged, not even knowing what to say, “I uh, I don’t know… I just… I have to go.”
I tried to pull away from her but her grip tightened on my arm as she pulled me closer, “Sam, please talk to me. Are you okay?”
The question stabbed me like a nine inch knife, pain flooding through every vein in my body as I felt the tears threaten to burst. I blinked, closing my eyes longer than usual as I tried my best to refuse the tears, but there was no stopping them now.
I opened my eyes, feeling the burning of tears run down my face as I responded, “Are you fucking kidding me, Megan?”
I could see something in her eyes I wasn’t used to seeing, something along the lines of fear and guilt. Out of everyone she could’ve picked to bring home, out of everyone in this goddamn town that would’ve died to be with her, she picked Nikki.
She shook her head, “Sam, I’m sorry-”
I yanked away from her, “Fuck you, Megan.”
And with that I got into my car and sped off into the night, tears burning little trails of fire down my face.