Chapter 14
That night I had a dream that they were my family.
I woke up crying, and my eyes were burning like my tears were hot sauce. I wiped them away.
The days where I didn't have work passed pretty slowly. I wasn't sure what to do with myself, so I spent a lot of time baking. I also started saying grace at my meals, even if I was all alone for all of them. I didn't remember exactly how to do it, so I would just say "thank you for this food, amen" before eating.
I was coming back from picking up a shoe rack, so that I could start the habit of taking of my shoes when I enter my apartment, when I decided to treat myself to a chai latte from the corner coffee shop by work. When I was going into the shop, I overheard a heated argument going on around the corner between two men.
I couldn't hear what they were shouting about, but I did peek down the alley to see three men arguing intensely. Luckily, they were much further away from me and practically on the other side of the block. I quickly ducked into the coffee shop and waited patiently on line until my order was ready. When I left the coffee shop, the argument had exploded into a full-on shouting fest with more guys from before.
I rushed by the alley quickly to stay out of it, but I overheard something that made me pause.
"Alright, alright Scott, we get it!" Some man shouted. I stood at the other end of the alley and turned to look down to see if I had heard the name right.
"You obviously don't!" A familiar voice snarled, "Because you're selling on my beat- do you have any idea how that implicates me?!" I could make out his figure, mostly because of his crazy hair.
"We make sure you're not tied at all-"
"Shut up! You know how bad this looks for us- all this shit being sold under my watch." Caleb paced in front of the small group around him.
"Fuck me, look." All of a sudden, one guy turned and looked right at me. I dropped my tea and then the rest of them looked up.
I backed up and quickly turned on my heel to run out of there. But he called out to me.
"Stop." He said from down the alley in a commanding voice. I obeyed his command and froze. "Come here." He said. I turned back towards the group of men to find Caleb about halfway down the alley, much closer to me than he had been before.
Then recognition crossed over his face. He muttered a curse under his breath.
"Hey I'll take care of this, go home." He said, turning to the group behind him who all quickly dispersed at his command. He turned back to me.
"Jesus Christ, Red." He shook his head and came towards me.
"I-I didn't see anything or hear anything." I told him quickly, lying to get out of whatever I had just seen. He narrowed his eyes at me.
"Why don't I buy you another of whatever that was," he nodded towards my spilled tea, "and we sit and chat for a moment." He suggested.
"Umm, actually I'm really busy right now, so I have to go. But it was nice seeing you." I tried to offer him a smile, but of course it didn't feel natural or even believable.
"Red, c'mon." He reached me as I tried to leave and grabbed my arm. I flinched and waited for the blow that usually followed being grabbed like that. I squeezed my eyes shut and turned away from him so at least I wouldn't break my nose.
It never came.
I peeked my eyes open to see Caleb staring at me with a confused and concerned expression.
"Do you want me to take you home?" He asked me softly. I shook my head.
"M-my car..." I pointed over to the lot where I was parked.
"I'll have Marcus pick it up." He responded. I blinked at him for a second. My options weren't too great, but at least if I let him buy me another tea then we could sit and talk in public instead of him taking me home where we'd be alone.
"Coffee sounds nice." I said quietly. He looked at me skeptically, but nodded. He never let go of me as he led me back to the corner coffee shop and pointed to a little table in the back.
"What's your order?" He asked me.
"Chai latte," I told him.
"Ok go sit down." He said to me as he got on line.
"Umm, with coconut milk instead of regular milk." I added in.
"You got it." He nodded to me. I stumbled over to the table he had pointed out and sat down. My hands were shaking so I pressed them together and intertwined my fingers tightly. That didn't help, so I just sat on my hands until he came back.
"Here you are, sweetheart." He placed my drink in front of me. I stuck out a shaky hand and took the drink in my hand. I hoped he didn't notice how my hand was trembling so much that the drink was trembling. But when I looked up, his green eyes were focusing on my hands.
"Thanks." I said to him. His eyes flickered back up to me but he just nodded. I took a sip and hummed in appreciation. I loved chai lattes.
"What were you doing around here? I thought you had off from work." He leaned forward on his forearms to be closer to me.
"I uh, I was doing some shopping." I told him. "And I wanted to get a warm drink before going home for the night." I fiddled with the cardboard sleeve on my drink.
"Hmm," Was all he said.
"I... I really like how the chai lattes are here." I added in.
"I just wanted to say- uh..." He knit his eyebrows together, "whatever you think you heard, I can explain."
"I didn't hear anything, really." I said quickly, jumbling my words together.
"Red," he sighed in disappointment, knowing I was lying.
"And the little part that I did hear- I didn't understand." I assured him. He looked at me pointedly for a second, those green eyes boring into me.
"Red, look, I'm mixed in with some rough stuff at the moment but I'm getting out. I just wanted you to know that." He told me seriously.
"It's really none of my business." I said.
There was a lull in our conversation, but I was grateful that he didn't make me speak any more. I really didn't know what else he wanted me to say. I mean, it was very clear that he was mixed in with some rough stuff, but at the same time he was a cop. Shouldn't he be the one busting up rough stuff?
"Why are you so afraid of me?" He asked me, out of the blue, before sipping on his coffee.
I shrugged my shoulders. We both knew why.
"Look, I'm not going to hurt you. I will never hurt you. I know that my track record with you is... not good. And you have no reason to trust me, but I swear to you, Red, I will not hurt you." He grabbed my hand tightly in his. And I knew that what he was saying was true, but I couldn't help it.
"It's just, you don't need to... every time I touch you it's like you think I'm going to hit your or something. You don't need to worry about that." He whispered to me. He squeezed my hand tightly.
"I don't..." I gave him a half-assed defense because we both knew that he was right. I did react like that. But I couldn't tell him why I needed to overreact to every time he became aggressive with me. I couldn't tell him that it actually was about something completely different.
"You do." He told me.
"I... I'm sorry about that. I don't mean to make you feel uncomfortable." I apologized to him.
"You don't need to apologize, I just wish you weren't so afraid of me." He sighed, and let my hand go. I curled it into my body. I felt bad for him, it wasn't entirely his fault that I was so afraid. "It's my fault, I know." He said, as if he read my thoughts.
"I'm not always afraid of you." I said without looking at him. "It's just sometimes, like when you shout or get angry." I bit my lip and shifted the cup around in my hands a bit. It had his name written on it in sharpie, I guess the barista wrote that.
"Well I've been trying to do less of that." He said to me.
"Yeah..."
"And what you saw today had nothing to do with you. I was shouting at an... associate of mine." He smiled at me gently when I glanced up at him, but I quickly looked away. I saw his smile falter in the corner of my eye.
"Thanks for the tea." I said.
"Anytime, gorgeous."
"Can I go? I really just want to lie down." I asked timidly. I didn't want him to freak out or anything but I really didn't want to be there anymore.
"Yeah, sure." He sighed, leaning back into his chair. I nodded quickly. I thanked him again for the tea and then stood up to leave. "Wait a sec," he said politely, but the command was there. I paused.
"Yeah?"
"Are you going to Marcus and Sophia's party on New Year's Eve?"
"Uh, yeah I think so." I shrugged, although I knew fully what his next question would be.
"Would you want to go with me? I mean like, can I pick you up and take you there?"
"Like a date?" I asked to clarify.
"Not necessarily," He responded, although I could tell he was disappointed that I had asked that. "I just think that things got out of hand at the last party and I'd feel better if you went with me."
"Can I think about it?" I asked nervously.
"Of course, give me a call when you decide." He told me. I scampered out of there and into my car as quickly as possible.
That night, I stayed up all night trying to figure out what had been going on in the alley. It was clear that Caleb was involved in something he didn't want me knowing about. Was it something illegal? I remembered the first time I ran into Caleb out of his uniform, when some lowlife creep was threatening me and Caleb stepped in. They had known each other. I never asked myself how they knew each other.
I wanted to know more about everything, but I didn't dare ask Caleb.
I decided to call Caleb the next day and tell him that it'd be nice of him to pick me up for the party. He was right; things wouldn't have gotten out of hand at Sophia's birthday party if he had been with me. I was still afraid of him a little, but I figured things would be better if I just did what Caleb wanted.
I did make sure to verify again that we were both on the same page about it not being a date.
Sophia lent me another dress for this party. Like the last dress she lent me, it had long sleeves and was really short. I liked it because it had a high neckline. It was gold and sparkly, which was festive for the new year's celebration. I paired it with black tights, to hide my legs.
Caleb picked me up on time.
"Wow, you look beautiful." He greeted me when I opened the door. I blushed a deep red and opened the door so he could come in while I grabbed my bag and put on my shoes.
"You don't just have to say these things. I don't expect it." I waved him off and turned away from him so he couldn't see how flattered I was.
"I'm not just saying it to make you feel better. I do think you look beautiful." He said as he followed me around my small apartment. I tried to pretend like he wasn't there, but his presence was hard to ignore. Not only is he a physically large person, tall and broad and muscular, but he's a magnetic person. He draws you into him.
"Ok, I'm ready." I said as I slipped into my ankle boots. I liked them because they were high enough to look good, but still really comfortable. He led me down to where his familiar car was parked and held the door for me so I could climb in.
He sped off towards Marcus and Sophia's apartment, trying to make small talk with me but I couldn't help but be a little awkward. I mean, I didn't actually know who he was and what illicit activities he took part in.
But then I would argue with myself because he was a cop, his father the Commissioner or something. He couldn't be doing anything like I was dreaming up. I was just being dramatic, as usual.
"Hey, want to tell me what's going on in that head of yours?" He nudged me after a bit of silence between us.
"I- uh." I didn't know what to say.
"You're thinking about how you're still afraid of me, right?" He asked. I didn't respond because he already seemed to know the answer. "I'm going to do what I can to make you not afraid of me." He insisted. I just nodded.
We arrived at the party and it was already really packed. I barely recognized anyone there, except some people that I had met before at Sophia's birthday party.
"Hey, Red, you remember my buds here. Nil, Ed and Stan." Caleb introduced me to three guys that had been sitting at the booth with us at Sophia's party. He didn't specify who was who, however.
"Hi, nice to see you again." I smiled politely. They chuckled about something amongst themselves.
"What?" Caleb demanded.
"Nothing," the one with the blue eyes and brown hair shrugged, "we're just surprised that even when she's sober she's with you. Love, he ain't making you be here, is he?" He teased Caleb. I giggled a little, but didn't answer.
"Ay, leave her alone." Caleb snapped back, obviously annoyed at the teasing. That only made his friends laugh more. I watched on carefully, waiting to see if Caleb exploded in a fit of rage or something, but he remained calm. "Fuck all of you." He said.
"So are you two together now?" The one with dark hair and dark eyes asked me. I widened my eyes and looked up at Caleb, so he could answer how he wanted. I didn't want to embarrass him in front of his friends. I knew that my father always got the angriest when I embarrassed him in public.
"No we're not. She's still way out of my league." Caleb responded, much to my surprise. He didn't seem to mind admitting that.
"Yeah we figured," the blond one added.
"We're here on a friend date. Completely platonic, right Red?" He turned his eyes down to me, thus turning all the attention of the conversation back onto me. I didn't love being the center of attention like that but I worked to hide it.
"Yeah, platonic." I agreed quickly.
"Oh good, Red's here!" Sophia called from behind Caleb's friends. She pushed passed them boldly and grabbed my arm, pulling me away from the guys. She chatted to me happily and I decided to stay by her side for the rest of the night. I helped her serve appetizers and champagne and stayed away from Caleb and his friends for a while.
She appreciated the help and I appreciated the opportunity to spend time with her. While we mingled with her guests, she introduced me to everyone and promised that the next time her secondary school friends got together for lunch, she'd bring me along since I hit it off with them so well.
It wasn't until quarter to midnight that I saw Caleb again. He didn't have a drink in his hand, but it was clear that his friends had all had a few already.
"Hey," he smiled when he saw me. I smiled back. "Where've you been all night?"
"With Sophia." I shrugged. He accepted that answer and pulled me into his side. I let him pull me in.
"Do you have a drink?" One of Caleb's friends asked me.
"No, I was going to wait until the countdown and have it at the New Year." I explained. I felt Caleb's eyes glance down at me.
"Me too, actually." He said. I looked up at him in surprise.
"Great minds," I responded. His smile broadened. We chatted as a group for a few minutes, when Marcus announced that it was a minute until the countdown would begin. So I quickly scampered off to get me and Caleb a glass of champagne. I found him again easily and stood close by so we could leave whenever he wanted. I was happy that he hadn't had any other drinks at the party.
My father was always at his worse when he was a few drinks in.
The countdown began at thirty. Twenty-nine, twenty-eight.
Marcus and Sophia led the countdown, standing on their couch so all of their guests could see them. I watched Marcus pull Sophia close.
Twenty-two, twenty-one, twenty, nineteen.
I looked at the guys and saw a small blonde girl appear next to the dark haired and dark eyed friend of Caleb's. The two counted together but didn't look apart.
Fifteen, fourteen.
The blond guy also had a girl next to him. They didn't seem to be dating, but they knew each other and were smiling as they counted together.
Ten, nine, eight.
The blue-eyed boy that had teased Caleb also had a girl who was wrapping her long arms around him. She was almost as tall as he was and her face was hidden from me with long, wavy brown hair.
Five, four.
I glanced up at Caleb, who was looking down at me. I quickly looked away because I felt awkward.
Three, two, one.
"Happy New Year!" The entire room chanted. I saw Marcus grab Sophia and give her a big kiss, and then watched as Ed, Stan, and Nil all did the same with the women that were attached to them.
I felt jealous.
I wish I had someone to kiss me like that.
I felt his presence next to me again, but was surprised that he hadn't tried to kiss me. I looked up at him and smiled, and he smiled back.
"Happy new year Red!" He raised his champagne glass and clinked it against mine. We each took a long sip and then clinked the glasses again after we were done.
"You can kiss me." I said to him, after another moment of watching the couples around us jealously.
"What, seriously?" He looked shocked when I said that, but I just shrugged and took another sip of my champagne. The glass was quickly replaced by his soft lips. The kiss lasted only a second, and was very soft, and it left me craving more.
I just smiled though, when he pulled away. I didn't want to push my luck with him or anything so I didn't ask him to kiss me harder, even though I wanted to.
I was too scared he'd get carried away and be aggressive.
We stayed at the party as it died down for another hour or so, neither of us having any more to drink.
"Can I stay and help you clean up?" I offered Sophia as Caleb tried to usher me out of the apartment. I heard Caleb groan. I really didn't like leaving messes. It had gotten me in a lot of trouble in the past.
"No that's ok. I think Caleb wants to get home." Sophia waved me off, "besides I'm probably just going to leave all this and have Marcus help me deal with it tomorrow." She gestured to her boyfriend who was passed out on the couch, cradling an empty champagne bottle. Caleb let out a sigh of relief at her response.
"You heard the woman, let's go Red." He wrapped an arm around me and all but dragged me out of there.
"Marcus and Sophia seem really happy together." I noted as he drove me back to my apartment.
"Yeah, they've been together for a while." He responded, not glancing away from the road. "So you know Sophia through her cousin, right?"
"Yeah, I actually know her cousin's husband, Gary." I told him truthfully. It was a new year. I felt as if I had shed the baggage in my past.
"How'd you know him?"
"He's a police officer." Was all I responded. He didn't press me for details or anything but I could tell he wanted to. My answer obviously didn't satisfy his question.
He walked me up to my apartment.
"I had a nice time, thanks for taking me." I said as I pulled out my keys.
"Anytime." He responded. "Can I- can I kiss you again?" He asked me as I stuck my key in the lock. He leaned down towards me, but not in a threatening way. It was more of an intimate gesture.
"Ummm," I thought for a moment, "yes," I answered. I had thought about it and all of the ways it could go wrong and how I shouldn't let him do that. But then I did something that I had never done before. I let my body decide. I felt a yearning in my heart for him to kiss me again, so I decided to humor myself and think with my heart instead of my head for once. New year new me, right?
He leaned down further and kissed me. It was gentle like it had been earlier, but different. It was open mouthed and lasted for a solid minute or two before pulling away.
He smiled at me.
"Goodnight, Red." He said as I opened my door.
"Goodnight, Officer Scott." I responded quietly.