name: My Nandini
word count: 3200 words
published on: 8th September, 2019.
✿ ✿ ✿
[ unedited ]
M A N I K
"You're being a selfish asshole, Manik. Everything has to happen your way, right? What about all the dreams we have seen together as a band? What about all our careers that our dependent on yours? You can't just put it away because you want to; this affects us too, Manik. I'm begging you, don't do this, please." Aliya's voice still resonated in my ears.
"What about Fab5, man? I thought we were brothers." That's all Aryamman had said. Disappointment was clear in his voice but he overcoated it with four simple words, "Let's find Mukti first."
Five years has passed by. They left, but their words never did. They haunt me-- the disappointment in their voice, the betrayal in their mind and the anger in their words. They keep coming back, no matter how much I try to throw them away, no matter how much I want to forget and let go, they keep finding a way back to my mind, to haunt me in the right spaces.
"We've reached, Sir," My driver, Dhruv, reminded me, saving me from the thoughts that were filling my head.
"I might've told you a hundred million times, Dhruv. Call me Manik, not sir. You're working with me since four years, we're friends," I smiled at him.
He took in a deep breath, turning behind to face me. "Manik," he corrected, giving me a smile. I nodded, stepping out of the car as I took a deep breath, buttoned my overcoat and walked inside my company.
Ivory Stars
It was crazy how the life I once dreaded had become a routine to me. The everyday hustle and bustle of the reception and the same faces greeting me everytime I walked in, even the colour of the walls and the familiar scent that covered the entire building felt like home.
"Manik Sir...." I heard a familiar voice call behind me as I was about to enter my cabin.
"Jeff?" I smiled, teasing, "Why are you calling me sir?"
"Because we're in the office," she glared at me, "I am your employee and you, my employer. You are my boss."
"Okay," I held back my laughter, "How can I help you then... employee?"
"I want you to meet your new assistant," She ordered, "She's just come this morning, be kind."
"Yes madam," I chuckled as she pointed at a girl standing at a little distance, her back facing us, short brown straight hair a little below her shoulder line and a forest green dress hugging the curves of her body, ending a little above her knees. "What's her name?"
"Alyssa!" Jeff called at the girl and she turned, a smile on her face as she walked towards us. "Alyssa Collins," she whispered, "Daughter of Mr. Collins, the CEO of Ralph Lauren at the moment. Be kind," she asserted, again.
"Beautiful office, Manik," the girl said as she came to me, her blue eyes meeting mine. Did no one tell her I was going to be her boss? "I just arrived. I must say, it's quite a sight," she smiled, but something about the way she was eyeing me said she wasn't talking about the office anymore.
"Just arrived?" I squeezed my brows, "Doesn't work start at eight for you?"
"It does," Alyssa said, the smirk wiping off her face, "...First day." That lame old excuse every time.
The smile returned to her face as she battled her eyelashes. My eyes scanned her body, and she squirmed under my gaze, biting her lower lip. Her hand forwarded to reach mine but Jeff cleared her throat, making her stop.
I smiled at her, "It was nice meeting you, Alyssa. You're fired."
"What?" She almost shouted in response. I gave her a nod, before taking a turn and walking right into my cabin; Jeff following closely behind me.
"Manik...," she sounded angry, "This was exactly what you were not supposed to do."
"What happened the 'sir' and 'you're my employer' now?" I teased, laughing. She just glared at me in return.
"Calm down," I retorted, "Did you look at her? That Alisha?--"
"Alyssa," she corrected, cutting me off.
"Yeah, Alyssa," I rolled my eyes, "Firstly, she was late on her first day at work-- Says a lot about her. And secondly, did you see the look she was giving me? I'm here to work, not to fuck her."
"Language," she made a disgusted face in return, then smiling. "Here goes the thirty second assistant I appointed for you in the past six months. And I forgot to inform you, Zubin's here."
"It's not my fault that you appoint girls who are more interested in me than my work," I taunted back, "And did you just say Zubin?"
"Yes. Should I inform him that you're willing to see him?" She asked.
"You absolutely should."
She nodded, leaving me alone in my cabin as I walked towards my chair, putting my over coat over my blazer that I had forgotten here yesterday. I was about to pick up the file on the table when I noticed the frames on my table shifted, facing the opposite direction than they were. I took a deep breath, putting them where they belong.
Who did this?
I noticed a covered black coffee sitting on my desk as I retired in my chair, taking a sip of it. It was the regular one that Jeff makes for me every morning, it was different. Not different good or different bad, just different in a way that I couldn't point out.
"Bhai! Did you meet her?" I heard a voice from my door and looked up to see my step brother smiling at me.
"Look who decided to grace us with their presence today," I teased, walking towards him and enveloping him in a hug. "And who's her? Does my brother have a girlfriend?"
"Girlfriend?" He laughed, "Not really. Assistant actually, I sent her to your cabin, did you meet her?"
Who was he talking about?
Ah... Alyssa maybe.
"I met her," I nodded, "And fired her."
"Fired-- what?" He retaliated, surprised.
"Sorry brother, didn't know you knew her," I apologised, "She was giving me all those seductive looks and I'm committed--"
I was cut off by his laughter, "my Nandini was giving you seductive looks?"
"Nandini?"
"Yeah," he smiled, "my assistant, and my replacement for the next few months."
"I-- I did not meet her," I whispered in a low voice.
"Oh," he frowned, "I'll check on her. Wouldn't be shocked if she's reached a wrong cabin. Give me a moment, okay?"
He left, leaving no space for me to answer or ask further questions. I stared at the door closing as Zubin's voice resonated in my ears again.
"my Nandini was giving you seductive looks?"
I heard her name after years.
More months than I could count on my fingers had passed without anyone taking her name in front of me, and it was so sudden and unexpected at the moment, that I felt a little taken aback- overwhelmed, actually. My muscles flexed and I could feel my jaw clench as a hollow pit rose in my gut.
It had been five years since I heard her voice or saw her face and it was crazy how I felt this way by just listening to her name. Perhaps, this Nandini wasn't even the Nandini I once knew, but the mere name was enough to bring about a lot of memories that were safely caged in my heart, the ones that I promised to never reopen.
I could only wonder what I would do if it was actually her, or if she was actually in front of my eyes-- if once again, I saw the same face and heard the same voice. What would that be like?
Nothing, maybe. Maybe she would be just another face that I recognised from my past, another voice that I once melodised, another laughter than I once fell in love with. Maybe I would say hello and hug her, or maybe I wouldn't talk to her at all; I might feel everything, or nothing at all.
Maybe I would actually feel nothing at all. After all, she did leave, right? I can't, and will never blame her for things that went wrong in my life after she left, but I can still hold the blame for her leaving without any explanation, can't I?
I believe I deserved a better goodbye.
As I leaned on the table, I continued drinking the black coffee that someone had kindly left for me.
A little lost in my thoughts, my mind wandered to my old cabin on the lower floor. I had locked it the day I shifted into this cabin four years ago, and made a promise to never, ever open it. I promised to let it stay locked, like some things should always be.
I found myself walking to that room quicker than I thought. A lot of eyes turned towards me when I opened it, because for all they knew, it had been locked since four years and no one had permission to enter except me.
It was a mess. Uncleaned, dark, dirty, spider webs in some places. But this room was the only thing I had of my past, the only connection to the times we had left behind. Hastily searching for the key in one of the upper drawers, I opened the locked drawer which seemed closed a little more tightly than I remembered, my fingers brushing through all the content in it until they fell on one particular picture as I lifted it.
The picture was bright, clicked in the balcony of our room when we sat together one morning and were having coffee, she was still in her nightsuit, her hair in a messy knot behind her head, no make up, not even an ounce of anything artificial on her- just us, good talks, hot chocolate and lots of laughter.
I remembered clicking this picture when I thought she wasn't looking, but she caught me anyways, and teased for an entire week for it; not that I minded, I was happy I had her captured in the lens of my camera, her smile and the way her eyes shone. I always believed her eyes were the key to her soul.
I called her my sunshine.
And then, she left. Life without her was like a dark and starless night after the sun sets. I feared the darkness I had started drowning myself in when she left.
But it was only a matter of time until I learnt that darkness is... beautiful. It is still yet chaotic, silent yet screaming out loud, empty yet so full of emotions. It dims itself every night to let the stars shine. And yet so ironic, everyone wants to be as beautiful as the stars, yet no one wants to be the darkness in which stars shine.
It's crazy to think how crazy I was for her, one time. And now, five years later, when I looked at just her picture, something stirred in me. And not in the good way.
I didn't blame her for anything, but couldn't help from feeling a pit of anger inside me. All we went through, everything-- was it worth nothing to her?
I was wondering what I'd feel if I ever see her again. It would be nothing. That's what she made me feel when she left, and that's exactly what I will feel if she ever decides upon returning.
I kept the picture back to the drawer, shutting it tight and putting the key back to where it belonged. Some pages are better left unread.
Isn't it weird? I used to tell her all my secrets; she is one of them today.
It's rightly said, hurting someone is like throwing a stone in the ocean. But do you have any idea how deep that stone sunk?
I relocated the door, coming out. My head spinner whenever I thought about her. My eyes were closed and my fingers massaged my temple as I walked to the lift.
Covering my face and closed eyes with my palms, I took a deep breath, trying to erase her thoughts from my mind and remove her picture completely, pushing it to the back of my mind, where she belonged.
Perhaps, it's good that she isn't in my life and that she wouldn't come back.
I was hoping that Zubin's Nandini wasn't the Nandini I knew. Because if she is, no one can save her from my anger, the wrath, the hatred.
Take a deep breath and calming myself, I opened my eyes when I heard the lift bell ding, only to see someone already standing inside the lift.
My Nandini.
✿ ✿
N A N D I N I
"Where the hell are you?" Zubin shouted from the other end of the phone. I shouldn't have picked up. I should have left. I should have went home, thoughts this over with a calm mind.
But no, here I was, hiding in the washroom of the previous floor.
"Washroom," I replied in a low voice.
It was followed by a pause of a few long seconds. "Is everything okay?"
"Absolutely," I replied. Abso-fucking-lutely. Let's just pretend that I did not go to the cabin of my new (sort of) boss who also happened to be my ex, whom I left behind five years ago and have made no contact with since. He's probably reached inside his cabin, expecting his brother and his new assistant. Only if he knew.
"Nandini, come out," he ordered from the other end.
"I wouldn't," I whined in a whisper.
"What happened?" He asked.
"Can't say," I replied back. Because if I tell you the truth of what a betrayer I am, you'll hate me too.
"That is really unspecific--" he started but I cut him off.
"Let's just say... you have an ex; she really, really hates you and she has all the right to, but it's been years since y'all haven't spoken and all of a sudden, you see her. What would you do?" I asked.
"Definitely not hide in the bathroom," he laughed.
"Zubin, I swear to god, I will come out and slice that throat of yours. I'm freaking out and you're joking? I--" I began my rant but he cut me off this time.
"No, Listen," he said, "I'll help you, okay? But it really just depends onthe mistake you have made, which for a fact I know you've wouldn't tell me. So tell me this, have you moved on?" He asked.
Had I moved on?
"Maybe," I replied in a low voice, the correction myself immediately, "Yes. I have moved on. That's my past. I have moved on."
"Then what's the problem?" He explained slowly, "Right now, you have two choices. You either go home from here, don't do this job, and not face your ex. The easy way. Or, you come out, meet him like a normal person, show that you have moved on, that you know and regret your mistakes, and apologise to him when you get the chance to. The better way. You either walk out guilt free, or think about the consequences of saying one simple sorry for the next five years. Your choice."
"The better way," I said, in a low voice.
"That's like my girl," he grinned, "Come out now."
I disconnected the call, washed my face and got out to see him pacing outside the washroom.
"What are you doing on this floor?" He asked, squeezing his eyebrows. "The washroom was cleaning on the upper one," I simply replied. He nodded, staying silent for a while.
"Can I know the guy's name?" He asked. I knew this was coming. "No, please," I almost begged.
"Okay," he put his hands up, "I'm not pushing you, alright? Tell me whenever you're comfortable. But remember, don't jump in with apologies. Wait for the right moment."
I nodded, murmuring a thanks. "Have you really moved on though?" He asked, leading the way out. I nodded.
He gave me a smile. "Sweetheart, being miles away and thinking you've moved on is one thing. But being in front of him, looking at him in his eyes, listening to his laughter and still saying 'this is not what I want anymore'... that is what moving on is," he softly said, making my stomach drop a little.
Is Manik not what I want anymore?
"I'm sorry, don't mean to upset you..." he immediately rectified, "This just slipped out of my mind. Random thoughts. You go to my brother's cabin on the upper floor, I'll get you the file I left, okay?" He asked and I nodded.
He gave me a final smile before leaving as I pressed for the elevator. I was going to Manik's cabin.
All these years of running away and guilt, and now here we are... breathing the same air, separates by just one door in distance, but unattached by hearts; so close, yet so far.
Taking in a deep breath, I got inside the elevator when I caught the sight in front of me.
He was walking towards me, his hands in front of his eyes, lost in some thoughts and me, lost in him. He had changed quiet a lot. He had this stubble-beard that he never had back in college, a white and black suit that fitted his body so well, rolled until his sleeves showing the veins and nerves of his forearms. He was fitter than the last time I saw him, and definitely more muscular. But inside all the physical attributes, he was the Manik Malhotra I knew, the man I had been unknowingly running away from, the man with whom I once lived, the man whom I once fell in love with.
As if right on queue, he took his hand off his face and opened his eyes, and I was the first thing he looked at.
My eyes were wide and my lips were slightly parted, almost as if I had forgotten to breath. Something reflected in his eyes before it vanished, a hard, cold, tight lipped face greeting me unlike the happy, jovial and positive man I had left behind.
We were almost three feet apart. He stood ahead, and it was as if I had almost forgotten how tall he was to me. Even with the four inch heels I was wearing, my eyes moved slightly upwards to meet his.
No words were said. Perhaps, he didn't know what to say just as much as I didn't.
"Manik....," I barely breathed when the elevator doors started closing.
He gulped, his face not moving an expression. His eyes did not leave mine at all, even as the elevator doors were halfway through.
"Nandini..."
I was about to open my mouth again, but large metal bars blocked my vision, removing him off it.
The elevator had closed.
✿ ✿ ✿