I'm hollow. I am hollow. There is no longer anything inside of me, just oxygen going in and carbon dioxide coming out. There's nothing left inside of me. Black, dark and ugly, my body feels like a case for the depressing and somber thoughts that go through my mind twenty times a day. I can't get her out of my head. I cannot get her out of my head.
Everywhere I turn, she's there. In every single piece of furniture. In every piece of clothing. Cafe's, restaurants, set, it's all her and it screams at me every time I go anywhere near. Yelling at me to come closer, but my heart bellows to get further away and that blocks out the noise of temptation. But every so often, I'll crack. I'll allow myself to sit on the sofa and look through her social media. Maybe sleep on her side of the bed. Sometimes, my soul needs a rest.
Right now, it's in a desperate need of one. Sighing as I scroll through her Instagram, I could probably recite the captions of each post by now. A photo of her and some of the cast makes my chest hurt. Noah and I smiling in the back of it. I remember that day, specifically feeling so incredibly lucky to call her my own. We both had a sense of self-assurance that we could have our relationship in private and everything would work out.
I want to laugh at those feelings now with my pessimistic attitude. But the sadness that crushes onto my chest stops me. Restricts me. Right now, there's lingering anger from her words that were spoken but at the same time, I miss her. I crave for the feelings again. I yearn for her presence.
However, one week since our world collapsed and instead of airing out our feelings, Alex and I have been radio silent to each other. There's been no communication from either side and to be honest, I'm kind of relieved. With my feelings conflicted, I know it would be wrong to get back with Alex right now so I'm left here - hollow with a bundle of strings of emotions curling tighter and more intricately by the hour, squeezing my heart tighter and tighter.
My laptop buzzes in front of me with an incoming face time from one of the producer's of this film I'm helping direct. Set in New York itself, the plot was so well written I would've been an idiot to pass up the opportunity, so I didn't. Fully immersed in the project now, I put away my phone and answer the call. It connects instantaneously and soon, I'm face to face with Kirk, the main producer.
"Hey, how are you?" I ask.
He nods, a smile stretching across his face. "Great, actually. The design people just got back to me, they're ahead of schedule with the graphics so we should be able to shoot that scene sooner than expected." Kirk pauses, tilting his head with a frown on his face. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, just loads of filming. Queries is kicking my ass." I sigh, lying yet again. "But anyway, that's great about the filming. I'll e-mail the cast who are in that scene and we can go from there. Are you still sure you want to shoot it all in New York?"
That's another plus of the project, it's all being filmed in New York. So I can continue to do Queries and direct this film with no extra travelling, which saves a lot of time. So, giving Kirk the choice to back out may of been stupid but when I see him smile in return, I breathe a sigh of relief.
"Ah, see, I'm only a producer - the only thing kicking my butt is not having the right sandwich for lunch." Kirk grins, obviously enjoying his teasing.
"Whatever, Kirk. Whatever." I roll my eyes, forcing a smile despite my exhaustion from sleepless nights restricting it.
"Okay, well I think that's everything sorted until the next meeting. See you next week at usual spot?" Kirk asks, raising his eyebrows in question.
"Yeah, sounds good. See you then." I agree and we sign off.
I sigh to myself and then become suddenly aware of how much silence really consumes this apartment. I work and I attempt to sleep, that's all I do these days. There's nothing else to do and there's nothing I want to do. James stayed for the weekend, but he's long gone now, away doing something complicated in university.
Usually I have people. I have Alex here or I'm with her. Usually if I'm filming I'll have people suffocating me. Noah was here last night as I ranted yet again about our fight but I know that he's doing some sort of interview today. Realizing I'm out of options, I change into a white t-shit and grey sweatpants before sitting down with cereal and some crappy TV show. Having an afternoon to myself actually seems okay when I relax into it, my home comforts lulling me into a feeling of security.
I'm about to watch another episode of TV when a buzzer sound from my door, going over I see it's reception trying to contact me.
"Hello?" I ask, speaking into the mic.
"Hi, Mr Williams. There's a Doug McKing wanting to see you."
Pure, hot, racing adrenaline shoots through me. My palms gather sweat and the hair on the back of my neck stands up, like my body is waiting for its final blow. Maybe this is it. Shutting my eyes in annoyance and frustration, my mind has a tsunami wave of thoughts crashing down onto it.
He'll know about the article, that's a given. But should I tell him the truth? Do I explain or deny? Do I even let him in? It's not as if I can refuse him, he's a main leader on Queries. A show that I love filming so much that I don't know if I'll ever find something so fulfilling ever again.
Unable to make confident decisions, I go with my gut as I force the next few words out.
"Yeah, let him up."
"Will do, Mr Williams."
Just like that, my death warrant has been signed by myself. Betrayal of Alex and I's relationship in every drop of the ink.
I have about one minute to gather myself and change into jeans. That's sixty seconds of trying to be sure that I can form full sentences before there's a knock on my door. A knock that echoes. A knock that I don't want to answer to. Wiping my hands down my jeans, I blow out a breath before answering the door, coming face to face with the man who can rip down my most precious dream with no second thoughts.
"Hi, Doug." I greet, meeting his eyes as I fake confidence.
The confidence is stripped down by his next sentence in one swipe and I regret opening the door in the first place.
"I want answers, Theodore. I want them now." Doug demands, his face twisted with fury as he clutches a piece of paper.
"Whats that?" I ask, indicating to the sheet as I attempt to distract him.
"Something that you may or might not get. It's your new contract that's available for changes, but whether I give it to you or not depends on your next couple of words."
I nod in understanding but my heart is thundering at a horse's race pace as I open the door wider to Doug and motion him in, knowing that this is going to take a while. What I'm going to explain, I don't know, but I do know that whatever I tell him is going to have to be well backed up.
.
It doesn't help that he's holding what Alex and I dreamed about for eight months in his hand, either. The nights we've spent talking about this moment are endless, the scenarios we imagined were limitless. But now, I'm doing it all alone. Funnily enough, that was never a scenario we talked about.
Going and sitting down at the kitchen island, Doug sits down as he continues glaring at me. Panic rushes through me as I stand and wait, before breaking the silence.
"Do you want anything to drink?" I ask, the question installed in me, even if it is bad timing.
"No. Sit down."
Following his orders, I sit down with my hands folded in front of me as Doug remains as silent and as still as a stone. I look down for as long as I can but when I finally break and make eye contact, Doug takes this as the time to start talking.
"You and Alexandria Woods are in a relationship." He states.
Each word is a shot and I feel like my terror is bleeding out. Breathing heavily, I shake my head and open my mouth to speak, but I'm cut off by Doug.
"Don't you dare deny it! I've seen the evidence. I know what you two have been doing behind my back. Would you like to explain it? God knows I'm doing you a favor by letting you explain instead of firing you both on the spot."
There's no way out of this. No matter how much I want to keep this secret from a man like Doug, I know I don't have any options left. We exhausted every single one of them and I need to tell him the hard truth - even if it means putting both Alex and I's careers in danger. Plus, they would be in danger if I lie again because there would be no coming back from that. This is my only option.
"Alex and I were dating." I sigh, the towards rolling out of my mouth in relief from the eight month wait.
"I knew it!!" Doug screeches, jumping to his feet.
I put my hands in the air and motion for his to sit down, he looks at me with a thunderous glare. "Were dating. We broke up."
Doug's expression muddles with confusion for a moment. His anger being tainted by his curiosity of my words. "What do you mean? So, you were just like a random hookup?"
"N, not at all!" I exclaim. "I loved her. I do love her. It's all very complicated and messy."
"Well since your careers depend on it, I would get explaining." Doug says, his voice calmed than before.
I see my opportunity and take it. I begin at the beginning of our relationship and go through every moment that brought us closer together. Every doubt we had, every guilty moments that we experienced. I say them all in the the hopes of showing him that we didn't do it in spite of management, we did it because there was chemistry there that as so undeniable, it was impossible to ignore.
Doug blows out a breath at my long confession, dragging a hand down his face. "So why did you break up then? What are you now"
"Honestly? I don't know what we are right now. We had this huge fight when the article came out about the future of our relationship and we're both pretty angry at each other now."
Angry. Desperate. Sad. The emotions I feel for Alex right now are endless.
Doug shakes his head and stands back up, shaking his head whilst clicking his tongue. Pacing back and forth in front of me, he keeps his eyes on the floor as he visibly mulls over things in his head. I stay tense on my seat, anticipating his next move.
"I don't know what the fuck you were thinking Theodore." He finally settles on and looks me in the eyes - dread filling my stomach when I still see the burning rage still ignited in them.
"There was something about her Doug, there was something about us. It wasn't fake or forced. I swear to you, if we thought it would pass, we wouldn't of risked it at all. But there was a pull between us and we both knew that it wasn't going to pass."
Has it passed now? I think, my emotions on a rampage as I think over everything. I'm brought out of my dark thoughts by Doug asking me another question.
"So, you feel for each other. You dated and now you're broken up?" He asks.
"Yes." I answer simply, not wanting to break his thoughts.
"Then what happened to the pull? Why on earth did you break up? Do you know how difficult this is going to be to explain to the media?" He asks, folding his arms across his chest as he looks at me with raised eyebrows.
I look down, feeling my face beginning to burn. "The pull was always here, I'm pretty sure it still is. We, ironically, fought about coming out to the public and what our relationship would become. Long story short, we didn't really see through the same perspective."
"Well you didn't really see through the perspective of management either, did you?" Doug rolls his eyes.
"No, we didn't. I'm not going to pretend like we did because we did not. But, that doesn't mean we deserve to have our careers stolen away from us. We shouldn't be punished. It was a relationship, it was love. You can't blame us for being in a relationship, any person would've done the same thing. I would do it all over again."
"You loved her?" Doug asks.
"With my whole heart." I nod, even though admitting it out loud without her sitting beside me in this situation drives a knife through my stomach.
Her lack of presence seems cold. There's ice by my side where she would usually sit, but she would usually melt away any bad feelings with the heat of her love. Without her here, this situation seems like a crumbling pit and I'm not sure if I can make it out. We always imagined this situation happening whilst we're together and now that it's not, the conversation right now feels surreal - how can this be happening without Alex by my side?
Doug sighs and runs his hands down his face, shutting his eyes as he mulls over everything I've told him. I stay silent and let him think, not wanting this crucial decision to be rushed. He eventually looks up at me and I almost fall off of my chair in relief when I see the faintest trace of forgiveness on his face.
"To give you credit, Theodore, I suspected that you slept together but I didn't even think of the possibility that you might be in love with each other." He sighs again and I sit silently, waiting. "You acted professional and I have to acknowledge that. Even though it broke your contract, I understand why you did it. If you can get the media under control, I might be able to convince the rest of management that this is a good situation. It will create a lot of publicity."
"But Alex and I aren't together." I frown, refusing to be used like show dogs now that we're finally public.
"By the way you were speaking, I don't think that's going to last very long." Doug smirks, looking at me with an expression of knowing.
The conflicting emotions come back like a lighting bolt to a metal pole, shocking me with how intense they are. I frown at my conflicting thoughts, looking down at the counter.
"Now, there's a lot of paperwork and agreements to sort out if we're going to make this happen, but I'll come over some time next week with it." Doug stands up, taking my future contract which is available for changes and sliding it in front of me. "When I come back, if you want any changes - they need to be added on here."
With that, he leaves silently as I sit staring at the paper which defines the next two years of my life. Changes to the contract are only available at this stage.
Regardless, the needles of ice pressing into my body make me wonder if I should even make them at all.
~~~~~
Author's Note:
How I would act if I was Theo's conscience right now:
But is he going to make the changes? Is Doug going to succeed in getting management on board with everything?
This was a dramatic chapter, so make sure to let me know what you thought as well as leaving your predictions here :)
As always, the next chapter is up on Inkitt right NOW! I really hope you enjoy it, all you have to do is click the link on my bio and you'll get to read it for free!!
I hope you all have a relaxing weekend, I know I'm in the need for one!
Much love,
Jade x