"Try Living A Lie And Kicking Out The Same Old Guise"
April 6, 1992
Belle View, VA
My stomach churns in a way that makes me feel sick as I stand in front of my childhood home. Memories of my final nights here replay in my head, the final one being the morning my father hit Dave in the very place I'm currently standing.
The paint on the white colonial style home has faded over the years due to lack of care, making the navy-blue shutters less vibrant than I remember them being. Everything else is the same as when I left four years ago though, other than the small swing set taking up space in the backyard.
As I take my next steps toward the front door, I can't help but glance at the first-floor bedroom that I used to call my own. The window is cracked, making me wonder if someone else now inhabits my personal space, specifically a younger Pierce.
For all I know, my belongings could still be in that room; posters of Led Zeppelin, Motley Crue and countless other bands covering the walls like the day I left, but something in my gut told me that isn't the case.
My father would've never allowed that.
I hadn't even reached the first step on the front porch when the door flew open, revealing my mother for the first time in years. Her usual chestnut brown hair has grayed with age and stress, but the bright smile I remember from my childhood still covers her face. "Rose..."
"Hi mom..." My response was fast, almost not understandable, but the tears welling up in her eyes told me that she heard me perfectly. "I'm sorry for barely giving you a heads up before dropping by."
Her hand, which was now ringless, grasped my shoulder. "Sweetheart I don't care how, when or why you show up. You're always welcome."
I had to bite my tongue to keep from crying along with her. My mother and I have always had a rough relationship; never really being able to find that middle ground of understanding one another. However, I think she's starting to get it, even if just a little.
"Mama..?"
The small unfamiliar voice makes my stomach flip; not needing much more information to know who now stood behind my mother in the doorway. My spine immediately straightened, hands clenching at my sides at the thought of accepting this child into my life with open arms, but I know deep down there's no real reason for me to resent him.
Fate is weird and sometimes, shit just happens.
Maybe it was the universes way of telling me that I'd be a terrible parent, or maybe I was never supposed to carry Dave's child in the first place. Either way, I can't take it out on my baby brother. It just wouldn't be fair.
"Hey sweetheart," My mother's soft voice brought a smile to my face as I watch her bend down to greet my brother, "What are you doing up from your nap?"
His cheeks were chubby, reminding me of old baby photos of myself that litter the living room. I was expecting him to be a replica of our father, but instead he has the same soft features as our mother. Only difference being his emerald green eyes that I don't recognize from anyone in our family.
The toddler shrugs, locking his big eyes on me as our mother scoops him into her arms. "Reese, this is Rose." My mother turns so he'd be facing me once again, and I can't help but chuckle when he shyly shoves his face into her chest. "Why are you being shy all of a sudden? You weren't like this at the store yesterday."
"Stwanger," The use of w in the word rather than r warms my heart.
"If you say 'hi' she won't be a stranger anymore, now will she?" With these words, I can finally see how tired my mother actually is. The bags under her eyes are prominent, making me curious about the last time she had a good night's sleep. Her smile isn't as real as it was when she first greeted me, doing everything in her power to seem ecstatic about the situation.
She isn't though.
She never wanted another kid; especially not one alone.
"Hey Rhys," I smile at the small boy, sticking my hand out to mimic a shake. "Why don't you show me your cars so mom can have a break for the afternoon. She told me all about your giant collection."
My collection.
The shit eating grin that appears on the child's face worries me, obviously excited to share his passion with someone else. My mother places him on the floor, allowing the one year old to scurry into the living room. "Thank you."
"You need the rest," I lightly pat her shoulder before heading after the small child.
---
"Look like mommy." The small child, born only a month after Eva, has such a wide vocabulary that I have been left speechless multiple times in the last hour. He's definitely charismatic, reminding me of Dave in a lot of ways, and it's pretty obvious he will grow up to be the brains of the family.
The small blond boy smiles up at me as I continue to roll my Hot Wheels car around the floor. "Really? That's flattering Rhys." He makes car noises with his mouth, pushing the red one in his hand towards my green one before letting go as the two collide. "Awe man, we've crashed."
He seems confused at first, green eyes darting between me and the two cars before he rolled his away from mine. "All good."
"Yeah," I can't help but reach out and ruffle his hair a bit, "I guess you're right little man."
"Hey Rose," My mother's soft voice travels in through the kitchen, "Can you come here for a minute?"
The heavy topics have yet to be touched, which is probably why I am being whisked away. I let out a sigh, hoping to calm my nerves a bit as I push myself off the carpeted floor. "I'll be right back."
My eyes immediately lock with my mother's stormy blue ones, making me wonder if I had done something wrong while interacting with the one year old, but I know it's something else. She is standing behind the open bar, silently chopping vegetables for dinner, while unconsciously keeping an eye on the young child in the room.
As soon as I take my first step onto the tiled kitchen floor, she speaks up. "You look different, older."
"A lot has happened since I left mom," I sigh, "I'm almost twenty-one..."
An awkward mood fills the air around us, realization of how long it's actually been since we last saw each other making it hard to pick a specific topic to start with. Of all things, I did not expect her next question though. "Did you have a baby?"
"What?"
The older woman cringes at my response, obviously trying to find a way to ease us into the discussion. "You just... You have baby hips and you've been in a relationship for a while so..."
"Miscarriage," My voice is low, not wanting to relive the pain that the topic always brings me. "A little over a year and a half ago..."
"I'm sorry I wasn't there Rose."
"It's fine," I plaster on my all too famous fake smile, brushing a hand through my dark brown hair. "I had a support system through it all, so I wasn't alone if that's what you're worried about."
My mother shakes her head though, "No I mean I'm sorry I didn't have the chance to warn you of the risk of miscarriages our family has. It's not uncommon; I even had one before you came along."
"W-what?" Everything about my confident shell shattered in that moment.
She drops her knife on the cutting board, wiping her hands off on a nearby dishtowel before crossing the room to stand in front of me. "My family has a long history of miscarriages. That's why most of us are only children. I'm sorry I didn't have the chance to tell you before this happened... it had to of been devastating for you and Dave."
"It almost ripped us apart..." I bite my bottom lip, debating on whether or not I should go into any more detail on the topic. "Mom when the miscarriage happened, something went wrong, and I can't have kids anymore. I just... I haven't had the heart to tell Dave and everyone else knows now but him."
My body began shaking from my silent sobs as the woman who raised me wraps me into a tight hug. "What was their name?"
"Eva Marie Grohl."
"It's beautiful," She lightly presses a kiss to my temple, "Listen Rose... The way you spoke of Dave on the phone, he seems like he's a great guy. I truly don't think he'd look at you any differently if you told him you can't have children. If anything, I think he'd want to adopt."
I use the sleeve of the oversized sweater I'm wearing to wipe my tears away, "Mom there's just other things going on in my head and I don't know what to do. I have this bad feeling that something bad is going to happen soon; I can't sleep and when I do, I have nightmares. And whenever this bad thing does happen... I know I'm going to be alone."
"You won't be alone Rosemary," Her grip around me tightened, "You see that ring on your finger? That's your fiancés way of telling you he's going to stay with you through thick and thin, and even if he doesn't, you still have Rhys and I."
As her words sink in, I take a few deep breaths, hoping to calm myself back down. With everything going on, I'm surprised I haven't had more mental breakdowns like this, but at the same time I'm glad I've been able to avoid them.
The last thing we need is for me to completely fall off the rails...
"You'll know when the time is right Rose." She lightly brushes some hair away from my face, smiling at me as I turn to face her. "While you may think otherwise, you are incredibly smart. I'm glad you stopped by to see us."
I sniffle, returning the smile before responding. "I am too."
There was no time to react as the small human I'd grown closer to in the last hour barges into the kitchen, wrapping his arms tightly around my left leg. "Dinner?"
---
"Rose?" Dave's questioning voice brought a warmth to my heart that can only ever be caused by him.
"Hi babe," I lean forward against the bar as my mother continues to clean dishes, "How's the studio been so far?"
He groans, telling me all that I need to know. "Krist and Kurt didn't walk for the first hour we were here. It was like the two were having some sort of pissing match, and now this is all I hear." The phone shifts around a bit before settling, allowing two familiar voices come through.
They were yelling rather loud, going from topic to topic, but staying mostly centered around Kurt and Courtney's marriage. Krist sounds rather pissed, making me frown at the idea of Nirvana really being over when Dave returns to the east coast. "They won't shut up long enough to have a decent conversation with one another."
"Do you think they're going to end it?" I love the three knuckleheads, and while there have been some days where I couldn't stand to be around them, the thought of not seeing them every day makes me sad. "Because I really don't want to have to pick sides."
My boyfriend sighs through the line, "We'll just have to wait and see. The two have been best friends for years, I don't see why they wouldn't be able to sort this out eventually. Speaking of friendships, have you talked to Shelli? She seemed pissed when I mentioned you earlier."
"I may or may not have said something rather offensive to her the other day..." I mentally jot down a reminder to call the dark-haired woman tomorrow, "She had hung up on me before I had the chance to backtrack."
Dave is silent for a second, obviously listening to his two bandmates banter. "Would you two stop threatening to hit one another with your instruments? I really don't want to make a hospital visit tonight."
"Jeez..."
"You have no idea," my fingers lightly drum against the countertop as I wait for him to continue, "So how have things been back in Alexandria?"
My eyes glance towards my mother, "Honestly? Great. I'm excited to introduce you to my mom at some point." My words catch her attention, a large smile taking over her features as she tosses the dishtowel down before exiting the kitchen. "I miss you a lot."
"You have no idea how much I miss you right now..." A loud clatter could be heard in the background making my eyes widen, "Fuck I have to go Rose. I love you."
There was no time to respond as the line goes dead, leaving me sitting at the bar with a mouthful of words and no one to say them to.
Hey guys!
Just wanted to give a quick shout out Sofia, Shelby and Ashley because they're what keep me motivated to write False Starts
If you don't already read their stories, I HIGHLY recommend you do.
In The Sun and Out Of The Red have beyond amazing plots and Shelby does an amazing job of creating characters. I literally read In The Sun in like two days when I first started reading Nirvana fanfics again and have recommended it to a few of my friends (who ALSO have plowed through the story because it was so good) so go check those out! (ugh-nirvana)
Euphoria is written by my Krist Novoselic loving girl, Ashley. If you want to dive into a good plot about a school teacher and a rocker with some twists and turns along the way, I highly recommend! (-INBLOOMS)
And last, but CERTAINLY not least is my UK girl Sofia. If you want to read one of THE most well written books I've ever had the pleasure of reading, check out Cherry Flavored Antacids. It's a Kurt book and I adore Polly and Kurt's relationship. (kurtsroyalty-)
Thank you for coming to my TED Talk. I just love these three and I've been MIA for a week and was in need of showing them some love!
Talk to all of you soon!